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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to feel like telling my best friend to get a bloody job

348 replies

sunshine75 · 08/08/2013 07:20

I don't want to ignite the SAHM debate as this is different and I'll admit that I'm sometimes a little bit jealous of my friend's lifestyle.

However, she's really annoying me. She gave up work 8 years ago and both of her children are now at school (private). She lives in a massive house in a lovely area, has a cleaner, drives an amazing car etc etc - all funded by her husband's fabulous job. All well and good and she says herself that she married well.

But......she has a good degree, used to have a great job and now just floats about having lunch and moaning about how stressful her life is. Yesterday, it was really stressful because she had been allocated sandwiches to make for the community picnic - ffs!! She even considered paying her cleaner extra to make them for her.

I'm very irritated and think that it's fine to give up work for a few years when your children are small but once they get to like 6 and 8 then you should do something other than lunch. Voluntary work even....just as a role model to young girls (she has 2) that there is a reason to get a good education, be independent, have a work ethic.

Mmmmmm - am I just being a jealous cow?

OP posts:
HoleyGhost · 09/08/2013 17:00

And our sons as well

but people try to make the best of the choices open to them

TheWickedBitchOfTheBest · 09/08/2013 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wordfactory · 09/08/2013 17:07

Holey yes indeed our sons too.

But, currently, not many men I know give up their financial independence. At least not whole sale. The SAHDs I know tend to keep their hand in IYSWIM.

NotQuitePerfect · 09/08/2013 17:11

I agree entirely with timidviper & OverTheFields Smile

Sadly in my experience it is mainly other women (who) feel the need to belittle the SAHM.

My own sil is a case in point, she never misses an opportunity to hilight her huge importance in the world compared to my irrelevance. The fact is she's married to a berk with a gambling habit who can never hang on to a job (or even his underpants) so they are dependent on her regular income. Horses for courses I reckon.

wordfactory · 09/08/2013 17:12

But wicked how much crap should have woman take? I'm not sure I could do it. And I have been very poor and would have no desire to return there.

I often wonder what advice I'll give my daughter if she asks me for it. Giving up her financial independence would be a very risky strategy. Yet what is life without risk?

Perhaps a middle ground? Reduce working hours for DC (if that's what you want) but always ensure you're in a position to get back to earning should you want/need to.

I know too many women who couldn't do that if they needed/wanted to.

wordfactory · 09/08/2013 17:15

notquiet and similarly it always seems to be other women who need to belittle working mothers!!!!!

I bet you wouldn't get a group of fathers telling one another that they were doing a bad job because they had the timerity to work.

It's a sad state of affairs.

HoleyGhost · 09/08/2013 17:24

Yes, even working one day a week or occasional freelancing puts you in a better position, should you want or need to return to work. Not just because of the cv advantage and maintaining contacts but mainly by keeping confidence up.

EstelleGetty · 09/08/2013 17:31

I'm ashamed to say I've felt a bit like this about my SIL (who is a SAHM with DCs in primary school), when she's complained about how busy she is and I've just finished working another seven day week, only to start again on Monday. But then I feel guilty because she is an incredibly lovely woman and has shown me so much kindness. It just boils down to jealousy.

One of her DC did ask me once why I worked when their mum didn't and I told them their mum had worked very, very hard in her job (which she certainly did before they arrived) and now she works very hard looking after them.

Everyone's choices are different, and their own.

NotQuitePerfect · 09/08/2013 17:31

word I have never ever heard anyone (male, female, working or SAHM) criticise or even slightly question the decision of a mother to work outside the home. Never.

It just doesn't happen - it would be akin to a hate crime.

FrancesDeLaTourCoughngIntoABin · 09/08/2013 17:41

TBH I'd be stressing about making a load of sandwiches for other adults, trying to take into account their likes and dislikes etc!

teatimesthree · 09/08/2013 17:41

On the basis of one friend of mine, having a high-earning, high-powered husband is actually quite stressful and creates a lot of work. Personally, I wouldn't want to swap with your friend. She sounds stressed and demoralised. Or maybe she is just somebody who likes to moan? Either way, in your shoes I would probably spend a bit less time with her.

I would never want to be a SAHM - nor would I encourage my DD to give up her financial independence. But I don't understand the judgement. If we should be be judging anybody, it's the husbands of SAHMs who are often getting a free ride in terms of housework and childcare, while lapping up the recognition and success of the workplace.

(Yes and of course being the breadwinner brings its own pressures. But lots of people - including me - managed to be one without a full-time back-up and cheerleader.)

HoleyGhost · 09/08/2013 17:44

Notquite - on MN you get a self selecting group on SAHM/WOHM threads who are often feeling defensive about their choices.

OverTheFieldsAndFarAway · 09/08/2013 17:49

Notquite, I agree wholeheartedly with your last post. I had never heard anything of the sort until Msnet. So much for the sisterhood!!
It's more like a bitchfest than anything else. Would posters say such things in RL. I doubt it.Hmm

TheWickedBitchOfTheBest · 09/08/2013 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wordfactory · 09/08/2013 19:36

Never heard any women criticising working mothers?

Wow. I've heard a lot. And I think the media is very negative too. As for MN...working mothers really get it in the neck here. Some posters are convinced it damages children and have no qualms in setting this out. Ad infinitum Grin

AnxiousAugusta · 09/08/2013 20:11

After reading the SAHM/WOHM threads on MN, I sometimes think my dad was right when he said "women hate other women".

MissStrawberry · 09/08/2013 20:19

I don't think you are being a jealous cow. Your OP reads like she has forgotten she has a brain at best, or thinks now she has money is above making sandwiches at best.

ShockHmm just because some stranger on the internet says you sound jealous doesn't mean you are!!!

BsshBossh · 09/08/2013 20:31

OP don't you like to whinge and whine about your job? I like to have a little moan now and then about mine, but it doesn't mean I want to give it up. SAHM is no different, whether rich or not.

Wuxiapian · 09/08/2013 20:43

YABU.

She's a big girl and can make her own decisions in life. If she wants a job, she'll get one!

davidjrmum · 09/08/2013 20:56

I don't think it's anything to do with women's lib/women being able to make their own choices etc. I think it's more to do with whether it is reasonable for one grown up to basically live the life of riley while the other one is working. The OP doesn't seem to be talking about someone who is a SAHM with pre-school children or someone with older children who is doing voluntary work or similar. What would the response be on here I wonder to a man who was quite happy to do nothing, pop to the pub with his mates etc, play golf etc., let a cleaner do the housework while his wife worked full time to support him! I don't think he'd get a lot of sympathy along the lines of "well, it's his personal choice".

morethanpotatoprints · 09/08/2013 21:12

I think both wohm and sahm defend their position when they believe the other has it completely wrong or generalise too much.
I object to the assumption quite often made that sahms are boring, lacking imagination, tied to kitchen sink, brainless, lazy, scroungers, down trodden, and so many more. Of course some of these may apply to some sahms but equally some could apply to wohms especially the downtrodden bit. I am not a wohm so don't know the many assumptions that are made for them but imagine there are as many as for sahm.
Everybody moans about their lot occasionally whatever their employment status.

NorfolkIngWay · 09/08/2013 21:18

I agree that its often defensive morethan
On one thread SAHM stated how happy they were ,life was great etc and then on a SAHM support thread stated they were unfulfilled, depressed and fed up.
The same posters ! it is the same for WOHM.
Whether you are SAHM or WOHM it has good and bad sides.- because that's life!

morethanpotatoprints · 09/08/2013 21:25

NorfolkIng

That could so easily have been me, I know it wasn't but I agree we all feel like this from time to time. It doesn't mean we made the wrong choice, nor that tomorrow will be the same, its just life and shit happens.
I will admit to being one of the worst here though. Its not like I feel I have to defend my own position as I am a strong person and most criticism is like water off a ducks back to me, which isn't always a good thing. Its for the good of others who may not be as strong or may see it in the same way as I do. So quite often its support for others as well.

BoffinMum · 09/08/2013 21:29

OP said the person was 'moaning about how stressful her life was'.

MacaYoniandCheese · 09/08/2013 21:32

Davidjrsmum having some liberty to pursue hobbies/further education/ developing your social life/ is one of the perks of being a SAHP; it's not all 'Living the life of Riley'. As long as all the necessary household tasks are being fulfilled and the children are happy what on earth is wrong with a SAHP meeting friends for lunch or going to the gym or what have you while kids are in school? Sacrificing a professional life and a paycheque to be available for your family is surely worth some downtime. My husband's job has perks-a-plenty...long, boozy lunches in fancy restaurants, free tickets to events, travel to interesting places, solitary bathroom breaks, bonuses, status, self-actualization etc. There has to be some incentive for SAHPs, if it was 24/7 martyrdom, it wouldn't be an attractive proposition at all, would it?

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