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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to feel like telling my best friend to get a bloody job

348 replies

sunshine75 · 08/08/2013 07:20

I don't want to ignite the SAHM debate as this is different and I'll admit that I'm sometimes a little bit jealous of my friend's lifestyle.

However, she's really annoying me. She gave up work 8 years ago and both of her children are now at school (private). She lives in a massive house in a lovely area, has a cleaner, drives an amazing car etc etc - all funded by her husband's fabulous job. All well and good and she says herself that she married well.

But......she has a good degree, used to have a great job and now just floats about having lunch and moaning about how stressful her life is. Yesterday, it was really stressful because she had been allocated sandwiches to make for the community picnic - ffs!! She even considered paying her cleaner extra to make them for her.

I'm very irritated and think that it's fine to give up work for a few years when your children are small but once they get to like 6 and 8 then you should do something other than lunch. Voluntary work even....just as a role model to young girls (she has 2) that there is a reason to get a good education, be independent, have a work ethic.

Mmmmmm - am I just being a jealous cow?

OP posts:
wordfactory · 09/08/2013 11:21

schmee I think some people find it very easy to live as you say, taking eah day as it comes.

Some people really relish it, and don't thrive on deadlines and projects and goals. In fact those things bring them out in hives Grin.

But it is hard to understand if you're not like that. I remember when I first got to know a lot of SAHMs I used to encourage them to do all sorts because I (wrongly) thought they must be bored...especially as they were always kind enough to show genuine pleasure in all my achievments (when my first book was published a group of them threw me a fantatstic themed launch party)...

In time I got it, though. They didn't want to be goal orientated. They weren't that person Grin...

That said, I do know a bunch of women though who don't make the best of it 9being a SAHM with no money pressures), who turn everyhting into an over analyzed three act drama. But I bet they were like that at work...

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/08/2013 11:32

Boffin - who says she is miserable? Just because you don't want to make a massive pile of sandwiches doesn't mean that you are unhappy Confused

LentilofDoom · 09/08/2013 11:46

Word those SAHMs do indeed sound kind. And forbearing.

equinox · 09/08/2013 11:58

I have found that people who do not need to earn a living have a huge proneness to getting stressed over absolutely nothing - they seem to lose the ability to withstand everyday stresses and strains and get a little deskilled slowly!!

differentnameforthis · 09/08/2013 12:02

I haven't worked for several years, and now both girls are at school I am looking to go to work again.

But nowhere has the hours that fit my girls school life, so times, holidays etc. And childcare (I don't have anyone local who can commit to regular child care duties) is very expensive here.

At the moment, it is impossible. I do voluntary work, and have found something that fits ok, but even the process of doing that is like applying for a paid job! You can't just walk in & start working!

Oh & for several years I managed to be a positive role model to my daughters without working. It shits me that people seem to think a positive role model means working your arse off & missing your children's lives. It can be done other ways!

HoleyGhost · 09/08/2013 12:16

" I do know a bunch of women though who don't make the best of it 9being a SAHM with no money pressures), who turn everyhting into an over analyzed three act drama. But I bet they were like that at work..."

I suspect I was a bit like that as a SAHM. However I have always had outstanding feedback in the work place. Some people are just not cut out to SAH, need structure, constant challenges and external validation.

NotQuitePerfect · 09/08/2013 12:19

I am a SAHM even tho my dc are teenagers/20s now.

I get fed up of the assumptions people make about our choices, & have recently even been brave enough to tell a few people to MYOB!

I have used my time to develop myself as a person, gaining a degree in the process, & I carry out an increasing amount of voluntary work. I do not consider myself a poor role model for my children - I worked for a long time before having them, had my own home, car etc.

We are not mega-rich, we are comfortable, and it is the lifestyle choice my workaholic husband & I have made. Since the children were born he has been our sole source of income - we don't rely on tax credits, housing benefit etc. Everything in our house is paid for by one income (- 40% tax of course). I am not taking a job that somebody else needs. I know I am lucky in many ways - but so are the women who can hand over their dc to their husband when he comes thru the door at 5.30! We rarely see my DH before 9pm (by which time he's been out of the house 14hrs), and when the dc were tiny he was often away overnight & working weekends building up his business. For over 2 decades I have cooked 2 evening meals - one for dc & one for me and DH. We rarely eat before 9.30/10. I have never had a scrap of help from disinterested/geographically distant family.

I'm not expecting pity - I have a very nice life! - but I don't have to justify not working to somebody who combines motherhood/work.

But I wouldn't complain about making the sandwiches either Wink

williaminajetfighter · 09/08/2013 12:56

OverTheFieldsAndFarAway Thu 08-Aug-13 19:53:30
Williaminajetfighter, you were correct in stating 50% of marriages end in divorce. You did not mention however, that mothers who work full time are 3 times more likely to end up divorced.

WOW Overthefields - well I better quit my job to look after my DH now! Did you ever think that maybe SAHM have more to lose with divorce as they don't have gainful employment and that maybe DH's benefit from SAHMs and therefore have more to lose.

Irrespective that was not my point. My point is that relying on a MAN exclusively for your income is a pretty dangerous activity and, for me, a leap of faith too far merely because I've seen the car crash divorces where women's sole income becomes alimony and child support which of course doesn't continue forever. I will always encourage my DD to stay in some form of employment and never to rely 100% on a man. Sounds harsh but I just don't envy the women that the OP is describing. I always look at their lifestyles and just think: 'ticking time bomb!'

HoleyGhost · 09/08/2013 13:47

I would prefer to be divorced than trapped in a failed marriage.

And marital breakdown is not the only risk.

CatsAndTheirPizza · 09/08/2013 14:05

A lot of judgement going on here. Interestingly, in this thread, barely any attention has been paid to the children. Part time jobs to fit around children are very hard to find. To pay for childcare for two or more children, you often have to work pretty much a full working week. I know that giving up my job that had a salary equal to my husband's has benefited my children rather than what would have been the alternative for us. I'm not very inclined to justify that in real life to anyone.

NorfolkIngWay · 09/08/2013 14:10

She sounds like her life is closing in on her, maybe she feels trapped..

I remember going to the supermarket with about a fiver in change when I was really broke. An acquaintance( very well off) was sobbing in the aisle so I went to see if she was ok.
She had a trolley full of gorgeous food, wine, champagne etc.
I asked her what was wrong - "there is no brioche left"
It was sad actually even if it was like Catherine Tates posh mum " run children the eggs are not organic!!"
Your friend might be struggling with all sorts of issues- mental health, pregnancy loss, marital issues, money issues that you don't know about .
Sometimes the smallest things can seem huge/magnified.

Arisbottle · 09/08/2013 14:20

I am jealous, I would love to float about every day and would be severely pissed of if I could not do lunch a few times a week.

As a teacher I am playing out my SAHP dreams. I did my housework between 6am and about 9am. Have been out for a horse ride, pottered about and have MN for a bit and read a book. I am meeting friends for a late lunch/ early dinner.

What is not to like about that life?

Saffyz · 09/08/2013 15:19

The grass is always greener...

Arisbottle · 09/08/2013 15:43

I think if you are not stressed by money and have enough disposable income to do things life as a SAHM must be greener than most jobs. I love my job but would still be happier as a SAHM, especially now all the children are at school.

TheWickedBitchOfTheBest · 09/08/2013 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emuloc · 09/08/2013 15:55

I did not realise only those who work are able to be good role models to their children!

I would love to have this lifestyle

stillenacht · 09/08/2013 16:21

Arisbottle snap am teacher too. My SAHM friends lunch, play tennis, do courses for their own fulfilment. Lucky things!! I teach all day, have shitloads of marking to do and feeding, nappy changes and putting up with squealing of the autistic variety when I get home. I must have been a bastard in a previous life!Wink

OverTheFieldsAndFarAway · 09/08/2013 16:22

Williamina, yes of course both parties stand to lose more.If you stand to lose a great deal wouldn't you make the effort to keep what you have.For better or worse, til death us do part etc.

It's sad that money is valued above everything else.

wordfactory · 09/08/2013 16:25

over I was a family lawyer for amny years and I can assure you that many a SAHM stays in an unhappy marriage precisely for the money!

OverTheFieldsAndFarAway · 09/08/2013 16:29

Wordfactory, I'm sure that many do.

wordfactory · 09/08/2013 16:37

I think women have been trapped in unhappy marriages since time immerorial.

The only way to avoid it is financial independence. But that's not always easily achievable either.

Conundrum.

TheWickedBitchOfTheBest · 09/08/2013 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timidviper · 09/08/2013 16:43

Feminism should be about every woman having a right to choose what she does with her life. We are all entitled to have our own views but it is a shame that other women feel the need to belittle that.

OverTheFieldsAndFarAway · 09/08/2013 16:47

" A woman's best protection is a little money of her own"
Clare Booth Luce

BUT......

There are many happy SAHMs. We are not the down trodden, subservient, empty headed, bored, pathetic little women many would like to believe.

wordfactory · 09/08/2013 16:51

wicked you're right of course, but goodness, that's a dreadful message to send our DDs, isn't it?