Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU. for being worried about yelling my grown up dc Im pregnant!

249 replies

Shellywelly1973 · 07/08/2013 23:40

Im 15 weeks pregnant with 6th dc.

Oldest two are 24 ds & 21 dd. Ds doesn't live at home but dd does.

I think ds will probably be ok but dd wont be. She doesn't like her younger sister & brothers. She makes it very clear!!

I really can't hide the pregnancy much longer. Im a very small person & Im down to a couple of outfits i keep rotating to hide my bump.

I feel silly being worried about the dcs reaction. Honestly its nearly as bad as telling my mum i was expecting my now grown up dc!

Any suggestions as to how to tell them in the nicest possible way would be appreciated! !

OP posts:
Eyesunderarock · 08/08/2013 13:28

Soooo.
Is she on the spectrum Shelly? Smile
Because it all seems a bit familiar....

LackingEnergy · 08/08/2013 13:35

I'd be a bit Confused if my parents announced that they were expecting another baby but then I think I'd have every right to be since my dad had the snip years ago.

Now if they announced that they were becoming foster parents then I wouldn't be surprised as it's something they've been thinking of doing for years

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 08/08/2013 13:38

Good point Beastofburden. You have a point about career choices. I have a legal back ground but due to ds 8 SN i had to change how i worked. Dd really doesn't understand why i didn't just carry & put ds in childcar

OP posts:
Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 08/08/2013 13:40

No Eyes she not on the spectrum.

She's very like my sister& mother... Both got lots of narc traits!!

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 08/08/2013 13:41

Shelley, on feeling a guilty for making it clear you are having sex... Think of all the parents who split because one of them is having an affair. They are obviously having sex too. Don't think the kids don't dissect that just as much as you being pregnant.

Yr DD may be more introverted than you, and prefer a very quiet house to the happy family chaos which I expect is more how daily life goes with a biggish family. Maybe it's time for her to get her own place. The problem is, I can see how you wouldn't want that linked in any way to the new baby.

I think all you can do is talk with her and acknowledge her feelings and her preference for a quieter life, but agree to differ on that. Everyone is saying she is an adult and ought to behave as one. Perhaps it would be easier for you too if you could think of her as an adult who is entitled to go "eek, rather you than me, love" and continue with her focus on her 20 something life, rather than as a child who has to be a hands-on sister?

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 08/08/2013 13:49

I don't consider dd to be a child and as I've posted a number of times it dd21 choice as to what relationship she has with her siblings.

I feel possibly I've over thought this. Dd won't be affected on a day to day basis. She doesn't babysit or help with the dc. What i didn't want to do was make a difficult situation any worse.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 08/08/2013 13:54

Many congrats op

My oh has 3 older dc 20 22 and 24 - hopefully one day my oh and I will have a baby - I can guarantee the 20g will flip apart from the fact she doesn't like me though I make her dad so happy but she won't be the baby of the family anymore and if I had a girl then be even worse as then she won't be the only daughter

Oh 22&24 are boys well men lol and I think they would be happy as know how happy i make their dad (and he makes me happy after what ive been through) and what it would mean to oh and I to have a baby

Basically you can never please everyone - but it is your life and body and I hope your dd is happy for you :)

rosieposey · 08/08/2013 13:54

OP my DD is 21 (followed by another two dd 18 and 16) I met DH 6 years ago and we had DS 4 and now have another DS who is 8 months.

When i told the eldest two they were a bit surprised as we had only intended to have ds so ds 2 was a lovely surprise. Give her a chance to get used to the idea, she might not like her younger siblings much (as the ages they are seem a bit of a pita to a young woman intent on her own stuff) but she may actually really like the baby, whats not to like - they smell, look and are ... gorgeous :) Congratulations.

Get it over with and tell her asap - it'll give her plenty of time to get used to the idea, she will come around i'm sure.

frogspoon · 08/08/2013 13:56

shelly, I know you consider her to be an adult, but there are some aspects where she will still be an adolescent.

Neurologists have found that the human brain continues maturing and developing right through early adulthood until about age 25.

Changes that occur in early adulthood include behaviour and emotional regulation, and risk taking. Your son at 24 is much closer to this age, and this partially explains why his behaviour is more like an adult's than your daughters.

This website, published by one of the world's leading universities MIT explains in more detail

hrweb.mit.edu/worklife/youngadult/brain.html

rosieposey · 08/08/2013 13:57

Oh forgot to say i'm a similar age to you (going by your username) i'm 41.

FloweryOwl · 08/08/2013 14:18

Congratulations! I think even if she doesn't like the idea at first she will come round eventually. I'm 23 with a 3.6 year old and a 6 month old. My mum and dad together have me and four boys. Their oldest is 25, then me, 18, 14, 13. They are divorced now and my father has a 3yo son with his new wife, my half brother is younger than my daughter and I absolutely love him. My mother is now 43 and has been in a happy relationship for the past 6 years and if she told me she was expecting I'd be over the moon for her. (She probably wouldn't be though!) Our family isn't the 'norm' but I wouldn't change it.

Andro · 08/08/2013 14:49

"doesn't like her younger sister and brothers"??? is she very immature??

Not necessarily! I'm a fair bit older than OP's DD and I detest my brothers - hated them from birth and it hasn't altered in the 20 years since. You can't be forced to like someone just because they're related.

5madthings · 08/08/2013 15:06

You hated your brothers from birth? Seriously how can you hate a baby?

OneStepCloser · 08/08/2013 15:20

Um Andro, that is immature. You can grow to dislike someone but to purely detest someone because they have been born is...........

livinginwonderland · 08/08/2013 15:23

You can resent a baby and if you think said baby has a negative impact on you/your life, I'm sure it can grow to hate. You're under no obligation to like or love your siblings (or other family members) - you can't help who you're related to!

Andro · 08/08/2013 15:25

5madthings

I'd just found out that I'd never be able to have biological children of my own and it had been made clear to me that that made me 'defective' and 'not a real woman'. My mother had found out she was having the boys she always wanted and didn't hesitate to tell me that...and that she wished she'd aborted me. I was dumped in boarding school because of their arrival. I hated them for wrecking my life and resented their presence, in my mind at the time they stole my mother and my home! As an adult I can see that it wasn't their fault (then), but the way they've been brought up (and I use 'brought up loosely, they are the definition of spoilt) has made them thoroughly horrible (they find it amusing to torment my adopted dc about the death of their parents among other 'lovely' character traits and my mother allows it!).

OneStepCloser · 08/08/2013 15:34

That is utterly horrific Andro Sad words fail me on that womans (she doesnt appear to deserve the title of DM) nastiness, it would affect anyones life, I`m sorry.

but to be fair to OP that is clearly not her situation.

5madthings · 08/08/2013 15:36

I can see that is all difficult, awful in fact but none of it is their fault, including the way they have been brought up. You may hate their behavior, do you not feel sad for them though that they are essentially not likeable because of their upbringing?

I dotn know how old they are but perhaps as adults they will mature and still be nice people?

Andro · 08/08/2013 15:43

OneStepCloser - I know it's not the OP's situation, I was responding to someone who commented that disliking your siblings is immature. Some people just don't like their siblings - that's really the thing I was getting at (I know my situation is extreme though).

5madthings - I've gone beyond feeling sad for them, I'm saving my empathy who whoever they end up married to. The poor women will be dealing with 'men' who have never so much as made a cup of coffee or prepared toast, in addition to that they'll have the MIL from hell. They're 20 now, I'm losing hope for redemption.

Andro · 08/08/2013 15:46

OP: I'm sorry for the mini hijack for your thread, I hope telling your DD goes better than you seem to be anticipating and congratulations Flowers

Original poster
Shellywelly1973 · 08/08/2013 16:22

No Worries Andro. Its peoples different experiences & views that make a thread interesting. Your situation sounds really awful. Each person copes in their own way... Take care of yourself.

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 08/08/2013 16:36

Shelley I am sure you won't make it worse! Sorry if my thing about considering DD as a child/ adult came across as a criticism. It's hard to get the tone right in a brief post, I wasn't being snarky.

I have a similar situation in that ds1 is 21 but DC 2 and 3 aged 19 and 17 have SN and so are more like 12 and 2. DS1 thefore has to live with a lot more family mayhem than his mates who are part of nondisabled families with maybe one other nearly adult child. If I were to have another DC now I would guess ds1 would be pleasant about it and maybe pleased for me but not pleased for him, so really only pleased on condition he had Uni to go to and escape!

MissStrawberry · 08/08/2013 16:47

Andro - if your brothers are so vile to your children why on Earth do you let them see them?

Andro · 08/08/2013 17:13

MissStrawberry - I don't when I can avoid it, but the only way to completely prevent it would be to go NC with my entire family...the rest of whom are fantastic people.

ethelb · 08/08/2013 17:41

I think some of the views expressed about the OPs dd on this thread are very unfair. Of course it is not up to her what her mother does, but to suggest that it wont affect her is ridiculous. If my mother had done that I would have been v sad that my children would not have a doting grandma. Because how could she be if she had young children herself? Op have you thought of this?