To want our baby to have my surname?

[ellie19812]

Our baby is due in January, we are living together however the idea of marriage does not appeal to me (maybe this will change in the future, I don't know yet).

Anyway, I really want our baby to have my surname, however he and his family have assumed the baby will take on his surname.

AIBU?

No, YANBU. Neither surname is better or more important than the other though so you need to discuss this with your DP and come to an agreement. Unless you double barrel the surname, someone misses out.

NO. You are not. You are not a vessel, nor an incubator. Yes the baby is also your partners. Perhaps a double barrel?

Of course YANBU, but then your partner isn't either in wanting the baby to have his surname. I can see some tricky conversations ahead!

It's the sort of thing you should have sorted out before getting pregnant...though of course that's not always possible if for example it wasn't planned.

Double barrel or toss a coin?

YANBU. But you would be unreasonable to give the baby your surname without any discussion. And be prepared: "But I want baby to have my name," is easily countered with "But I want baby to have my name." I found "You can name the next one, if you give birth to it," worked. Good luck!

We double barrelled. Has the added advantage that when dtds got old enough to want email addresses etc they had no trouble at all. No [email protected] for them!

"You can name the next one, if you give birth to it,"

Everyone will know its your baby you are not just a vessel but if he has no share in the babys name is he just the sperm donor

Neither you nor your DP would be U to want the baby to have their surname

As Soup says, one of you misses out unless you

a) hyphenate

or

b) Choose a new "family" name and both change your name to that by deep poll (I have known a couple who did this but option a seems easier to me)

Deed poll even

What happens when someone with a double barrel surname has a baby with someone else who has a double barrel surname?

I can see headaches ahead for the next generation

Good woman. Smash the patriarchy! Why the hell should he and his family assume that? It's 2013.

Please do make sure if you are certain about not being married that your position is as secure as you can make it. You don't want a situation where he can turf you out of the home with a small child, for example.

William Bailey-Smith-Pilkington-Cooper

YANBU. Friends of ours tossed a coin to decide which second name they would use - fairer than going with the default of dad's name. Whichever you use you could also give the other one as a middle name if not fancying double barrel - eg Rupert Oliver Jones Smith.

Yanbu,

They have probably assumed because its previously been the norm for ages.

You need to inform dp of your intentions ASAP.

Worra you are right - this double barreled business is only a solution for one generation. DP is already double-barreled so we were stuck. Went with his because we live in a gentrifying bit of London and I thought DD'd fit in better with the Tarquins with a posh sounding name.

Smash the patriarchy yes lets do without men altogether FFS

YANBU but that's a decision yourself and your DP need to make without any outside influence. I have a friend who declared that if her DP didn't marry her, then he didn't have a right to demand his surname for the children. They got married soon after... However I also have friends who given the maiden name as the last middle name.

I asked DH if we could double barrel our name just as a general idea question as DF's name will die out with my generation as DB hasn't got children nor is going to have any. Dear of him - within 24 hours he had deedpolled the names for himself so that it would easier once we were married. He didn't have to and I wouldn't have insisted but it meant a lot. His family didn't mind as his father declared that as the surname is the latter half which most people presume is the surname. So's alls okay then

It's what works for you. But you do need to discuss it.

sonly oh no, no, that's going a bit far. We'll still need to mug them for their sperm and enslave them to move our furniture, right?

What about jar lids!

I rather think my kids can decide for themselves which of their various surnames their own children have. For the time being, they've got both. Non hyphenated.

Also I have a much nicer surname than DP's, with five consecutive consonants and an umlaut. Why waste such a glorious opportunity for tooth-gnashing as some twerp gets it wrong ?

And those bins won't take themselves out :)

My lesbian sister and her partner have hyphenated their kids' names too.

Went with his because we live in a gentrifying bit of London and I thought DD'd fit in better with the Tarquins with a posh sounding name.

But as you say, it's not going to be posh in the future.

And I imagine forms are going to have to get a lot bigger to cope with the long surnames