To want our baby to have my surname?

[ellie19812]

Our baby is due in January, we are living together however the idea of marriage does not appeal to me (maybe this will change in the future, I don't know yet).

Anyway, I really want our baby to have my surname, however he and his family have assumed the baby will take on his surname.

AIBU?

Does one of your surnames suit as a middle name? Alan, Vincent, Ross etc?

Don't get me started on jar lids! Fed up of having to open them for DH!

WorraLiberty -- probably, if they are functional adults capable of holding down jobs and relationships, they manage to come up with a solution for themselves (most obvious, off the top of my head, would be to pick one barrel from each name and put them together according to what sounds best). That's broadly how the Spanish system works (although in that case it's generally the patrilineal part of each parent's name that gets handed on to form the child's compound surname).

sonly, there is a vast, gaping chasm between "smash the patriarchy" and "do away with men altogether".

My son has my name as his middle name. Not double barrelled. He uses it whenever he writes his name

I don't see it. Everyone seems to think men are surpluse to requirements

Where? Give examples of "everyone" thinking that.

I double barrelled as I didn't want to drop my name, dp still doesn't agree but it was either double barrel or I would just use my name

Girl takes your surname, a boy takes his. I think all families should do this.

I live in Spain and here the child is called "Baby Fathersname Mothersname". So everyone only has 2 names and there's no quadruple barrelling.

Good for you.

It's not true that giving both surnames is a one generation solution. They have done this in spain for many generations: kids are Joe Bloggs Smith (Bloggs traditionally being the father's surname and Smith the mother's - although changes in the law now permit either the mother or father's name to come first). The child of Joe Bloggs Smith and Jane Brown Jones would be Arthur Bloggs Brown (or Brown Bloggs depending on what the parents choose).

Ah cross post with Foxy.

We double barrel led much to the horror of mil.

When my children are old enough to have their own kids they can decide with their partners what to do re surnames.

YANBU.

I hate when people moan that double barrelling means headaches for future generations. The only people I'll be naming will be my own children, their children's names will be their decision. I'm not concerned about naming the next 7 generations.

I'm a fan of the Spanish and Icelandic naming models.

My kids have my name, not DP's. When his parents send cards to kids, they put his/their name on instead of mine. I couldn't care less, cos my kids know their names

They are nbu to assume this as its pretty standard

Yanbu to want your name in there

Dp wnbu to want his name in there

Raise it, discuss it calmly and rationally. Hyphpnate, use on as a mn, or toss a coin. Tbh I'm not s fan of made up combined names but if it works for you then horses for courses

The baby will be known to medical staff as Baby mother's surname until signed off. So the default will be you name if nothing is decided!

"Smash the patriarchy"

I don't see the big fuss about keeping ones "own name" out of feminist principle - surnames are patronymic and passed from either your father/grandfather etc anyway.

Why is a man's name his name but a woman's name is seen as being her father's name? As far as I'm concerned I've owned my name since the day I was born.

I cannot help the fact I've got my father's surname. I can, however, change that pattern by refusing to take my DP's father's surname, and/or to pass that on to my daughters.

DS has my surname because it was important to me but not to DH, but it is important to a lot of men, and sounds like it will be to your DP.

It's a difficult situation. I'd suggest double-barrelling it if it works, or using one surname as a middle name instead. Or you could try suggesting the child takes his name if a boy, yours if a girl.

Unfortunately, this is one of those things that people do feel strongly about (on both sides) and you're both going to have to come to a compromise together.

FWIW - I kept my surname because it's the one I grew up with, the one my family has (closer to my Dad's side). Whether it had come from my mother or my father, it was my name and it seemed a bit pointless to lose it just because I got married.

We tossed a coin. It seemed like the only fair way to choose and our surnames sound daft double barrelled. I won

When I married DH I took his name so our family would all have the same identy. I see surnames in a different way. Every company has a name, just as every family has a name. That name defines the culture within that group. Decide on how you want to 'brand' your family. You and your OH set the tone of your 'unit'. I see it that you have three options, his, yours or double up. You need to figure it out between yourselves and neither families should get involved.

I have a double last name which I took from DH. My maiden name was incredibly hard to pair with first names so I was ok with losing it. I don't use both parts of my name though which causes much confusion when travelling as most of the time I am not booking my own flights. Government documents are a nightmare too. Here your DL can't be two separate names but has to be all together or hyphened. It doesn't match my passport. Then there is the issue of medical records being found under my full name while my credit card only has the last part of my full name so payments are not linked to my records. Be careful what you wish for with a double last name.

StormyBrid You can name the next one, if you give birth to it that doesn't sound very fair to me. It's hardly an option a man can accept.

So would there be an argument for men who work, to their stay at home wives, "you can have money, but only if you earn it" in your view. Equally unfair, I'd suggest.

Bowlersarm, both sexes can choose to work but only one can choose to give birth.

I think giving the child one parent's surname as a middle name and the other parent's surname as their surname is a good idea, unless you have names which sound good double-barrelled. I was married but kept my own surname. Our ds has his dad's surname as his surname and a surname from my family as a middle name. I don't like my own surname and wouldn't burden a child with it.

Exactly Tolliver. It's a silly argument that has blindingly obvious solutions anyway, so a bit of a non-argument really.

You need to discuss with your partner OP, and look into how, without marriage, you can protect yourself and your future child.

Something else to consider. My daughter and I both have my husband's surname, solely for administrative reasons. We all do a lot of international travel and need to apply for family visas periodically, and it's much, much easier with a shared surname.