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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want our baby to have my surname?

237 replies

ellie19812 · 04/08/2013 13:50

Our baby is due in January, we are living together however the idea of marriage does not appeal to me (maybe this will change in the future, I don't know yet).

Anyway, I really want our baby to have my surname, however he and his family have assumed the baby will take on his surname.

AIBU?

OP posts:
sonlypuppyfat · 04/08/2013 20:17

Oh shrugged what a rotten attitude if we don't agree to keep our names we are letting down our sisters. I come from a family where all the women take their mens names theres no divorces, all honorable men who you would be proud to take there names. It doesn't make us old fashioned or out of touch.

eurochick · 04/08/2013 20:20

So if you don't want to take your husband's name there is some suggestion that he is not an "honourable man". What a load of tosh.

All the women in my family have taken their husband's names. However, I got married in the 21st century and didn't.

sonlypuppyfat · 04/08/2013 20:24

I wouldn't judge anyones man

FannyMcNally · 04/08/2013 20:24

lol at the problems of going abroad should have an impact on whose name you choose! And also that all having the same name makes you a 'unit'. Weird. I, and everyone who matters, know who my children and partner are, a common name is irrelevant. Certainly doctors, schools and everyone else you come across don't bat an eyelid. It seems the only people who 'care' are the out-of-date oldies.

IAmTheTwelfthDoctor · 04/08/2013 20:26

It isn't how it's always been, PurpleGirly. For centuries, since we started using surnames in this country, a child has always been given his or her mother's surname. In the past if the parents were married this would also be the father's name; if they were unmarried (as in the OP's situation) then it wouldn't. We are currently in a historically very unusual period in as much as giving the child of unmarried parents his or her father's name is even an option.

Bowlersarm · 04/08/2013 20:31

Shrugged I have no idea why you are so dismissive of women who have wanted to change their name when then got married.

And why is your way of doing it - giving your son your last name - any better than anyone else who wants to use their husbands name?

sonlypuppyfat · 04/08/2013 20:36

Well said bowler

Shrugged · 04/08/2013 20:36

Sonly, you are clearly a brilliant pisstaker with a subversive sense of humour. The family anecdote about all the women uncomplainingly taking their honourable husbands' names and never, ever getting divorced is hilarious. I like your style.

sonlypuppyfat · 04/08/2013 20:41

I'm sorry I only know what its like in my family sorry if that makes you uncomfortable

persimmon · 04/08/2013 20:43

Double-barrelling is only a short-term solution though, as what happens when the child gives birth/gets married?

LRDYaDumayuShtoTiKrasiviy · 04/08/2013 20:44

I'm bemused.

Why are we all assuming her DP will mind? Confused

Have I missed her updating and saying 'yeah, turns out he's a total sexist prick who wouldn't consider it'?

The OP hasn't even come back yet. It's perfectly possible her DP is a nice, normal bloke and they'll discuss it and work things out.

Personally I don't follow the 'tradition' argument as traditionally the children of unmarried couples take the mum's name. But it's up to them.

squoosh · 04/08/2013 20:44

Persimmon you only name your own children, you aren't responsible for naming future generations.

treacleturkey · 04/08/2013 20:45

It's beyond me why a woman would change her name to get married. Bloody prehistoric if you ask me...i can only suggest it's so husband can drag her back to his cave for a good beating with his club.

Selks · 04/08/2013 20:48

YANBU. My children have my last name. I decided that was my perk for carrying and giving birth to them. They have their fathers name as a middle name which they could have used hyphenated should they have wanted to (they never wanted to).

treacleturkey · 04/08/2013 20:48

Sonlypuppyfat....you say there are no divorces in your family and all the women have taken their man's name, but you probably live in a type of society where women are seen as second class, and divorce would bring shame on the family.

And what's with the "honourable" men????

Bowlersarm · 04/08/2013 20:49

That's the trouble treacleturkey. You're so concerned to get your oh-so-modern point of view across, that you feel the need to belittle women who don't agree with you and are quite keen to use their husbands name.

treacleturkey · 04/08/2013 20:49

Selks...i agree!

Shrugged · 04/08/2013 20:50

Have you never met anyone outside your family, sonly? Maybe including women who made different, but equally valid choices?

Bowler, I am dismissing no woman's choice, and my reference to the 50s was jn relation to the unthinking 'But everyone changes their name, it's what has always been done' comments. Changing my name never even occurred to me. Come to think of it, I don't think any of my close married female friends changed their names either; some of their children have their mother's name, some their father's, some both. Quite apart from ideology, changing your would strike me as career self-sabotage. I have a professional identity and publications under my name.

treacleturkey · 04/08/2013 20:51

Bowler....but why are women "quite keen" to use their husband's name? That's so sad. Sad

EachAndEveryHighway · 04/08/2013 20:52

You are not being unreasonable. As you will be the one to have carried baby for 9 months you get the casting vote. End of. If you do get married, and take on partners surname, baby's name can be easily be changed by deed poll.

sonlypuppyfat · 04/08/2013 20:54

But you are saying yours is the valid choice the rest of us are so old fashioned.

Bowlersarm · 04/08/2013 20:58

Shrugged, well you seem keen to dismiss other viewpoints. Commenting that eating your own liver is in the same category as changing your name on marriage......well, sort of suggests anyone who wants to change their name should start carving themselves open, really.

PurpleGirly · 04/08/2013 20:59

TwelthDoctor I always thought that names were patronymic prior to the move to surnames of the father being used - hence names like "Wilson" and the use of "Mac" before a name?. We have lived for centuries in a male dominated world - but to me equality means that a compromise is met between parents - whether married or not. Two of my friends have their birth names as their DCs first names (Robert (s), and Will(iams).

Capitola · 04/08/2013 21:00

I took my husband's name partly because it is a much nicer name than my maiden name (which I always hated) and his name makes a good surname.

If we weren't married and sharing a name, I think we would have given the children his name for the same reason.

I am not keen on double barrelling as it can sound quite daft sometimes.

Bowlersarm · 04/08/2013 21:00

Exactly treacleturkey you lack the understanding apart from your own viewpoint. I don't see why it is Sad