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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want our baby to have my surname?

237 replies

ellie19812 · 04/08/2013 13:50

Our baby is due in January, we are living together however the idea of marriage does not appeal to me (maybe this will change in the future, I don't know yet).

Anyway, I really want our baby to have my surname, however he and his family have assumed the baby will take on his surname.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 04/08/2013 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/08/2013 15:27

Ah, interesting about the Spanish system - if I understand correctly though a solution in the immediate generation of baby/child (with both surnames included) it still means that grandmother's surnames are dropped in next generation, and so is ultimately still patriarchal ?

Bowlersarm · 04/08/2013 15:27

Jan49 Exactly.

So a man is unable to have the burden? joy? experience? of giving birth. And then isn't allowed a say in the name either? Because he hasn't done something, that it isn't possible for him to to?Doesn't seem very fair to me.

Inertia · 04/08/2013 15:30

If it's unlikely that you'll marry and take DPs name, the most practical way forward is probably to double barrel and use both surnames. As maltesefalcon says above, it may prove to be easier if either of you travels alones with the baby.

themaltesefalcon · 04/08/2013 15:31

Women who are anti-feminist crack me up. Are you PRO-patriarchy, then? Do you WANT your life controlled by other people who are apparently better qualified to tell you what to do, just because of the shape of their genitalia?

I mean, you're sitting here pissing away time on the internet instead of starching your husband's shirts or redraping your floor-length petticoat or whatever.

Count your blessings.

TolliverGroat · 04/08/2013 15:34

Juggling, it used to be automatically patriarchal, but changes in the law now allow a choice of which names are passed on so that may change in future.

WorraLiberty · 04/08/2013 15:37

You sound a bit hysterical themaltesefalcon

That cracks me up Grin

LongTailedTit · 04/08/2013 15:41

I'd go with the father's name as last middle name rather than hyphenating, so James John Smith Brown for example. That way s/he'd be Brown for everyday purposes, but can choose to use Smith or both if they want in future, due to the way our 'known as' laws work.

We had three names in our household as a child, my mums, my stepdads, and mine & my sisters (our fathers). It was a Right Pain. So wish we'd been given our mums name at birth - she and my DF weren't married so IMO it should've been hers. Plus, she was the one doing 99% of the child care, picking us up from school, going to docs apts etc, where it often caused a Hmm that we had different surnames. I would hope no one gets that reaction anymore tho!

IMHO logic and convenience suggest that children take their mothers name, tho I would include the fathers name as a middle name.
When fathers insist their wife or DC take their name it smacks of 'ownership' and 'claim' to me.

All this is a moot point for me now, I happily took DHs name on marriage, was glad to get shot of my DFs name! Would've kept it if it'd been my mums tho.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 04/08/2013 15:42

Ah, that's interesting Tolliver.

As a bit of an aside I noticed on Prince George's birth certificate (and therefore presumably on all birth certs ?) that the Father's details were shown before the Mother's.

That seemed wrong and very old-fashioned to me, when the baby has just been given birth to by the mother a few short days before-hand (and already she's relegated to second in importance in her child's life ?!)

resipsa · 04/08/2013 15:44

YANBU but might realise once he/she arrives that there are many, many more important issues to get to grips with in early parenthood. It might just then seem less important so not worth too much anxiety now.

unlucky83 · 04/08/2013 15:57

I'm not married and my children have two surnames - but use mine mainly...
I was told that you had 21 days after birth to name a child...but then straight after DD1 was born they wanted her surname!!!
Rushed discussion and we decided both and mine second - to be used mainly in this UK - if we went to live in France they could use his surname.
DP has an unusual foreign name - hard to spell -part of the reasoning behind it - but then I always have to spell mine too - just easier for English speakers to understand..
For DD2 she has the same purely for consistency .
It does make things a bit more complicated - but so far nothing too bad -especially if you tell eg the GP surgery which surname they use and to file under that name...same for schools...also sometimes there isn't a big enough space on a form -both are longer names anyway!
DD1 first bankcard had to be changed cos they missed the last letter on her 2nd surname - had to omit her middle initial to fit it on...
The school eg call me MRS my surname - which is wrong but I find better than MRS DP surname - I wouldn't know who they were talking to...would feel really odd...
If you are going to be responsible for organising most of their childcare etc it is easier if they have the same name as you - especially if you pay for activities etc by cheque/internet banking from an account in your name..
Do think though - if you married your DP - would you take his name or keep your own ?...could end up with DCs with different surname from either of you...
(I know I would keep my surname - officially a Dr - so my surname is part of my professional name)

And to be honest - most children in a similar situation - unmarried parents /mother kept maiden name (lots of Drs around here - University town) -do use the father's surname...or hyphenate ...father's name second.

I sometimes think what will my DCs do if they have DCs and aren't married ... three surnames or maybe even 4 if their DP has two as well...

PGTip · 04/08/2013 16:01

I don't understand why taking your husbands name is a sign if ownership! To me it's a sign of unity, and any subsequent children are part of that unit. I always feel sorry for the children at school with double barrelled names takes them so much longer to learn! Especially if they have the misfortune of double barrelled first names as well.

I consider my self to be a semi-feminist in that I believe women should be equal to men in all areas, but we are not. In some we are better, in others they are. Why can't that be ok. Why does it have to be about the patriarchy, just live your life as you want to.Grin

SoupDragon · 04/08/2013 16:05

You need to inform dp of your intentions ASAP.

No, they need to discuss it.

When fathers insist their wife or DC take their name it smacks of 'ownership' and 'claim' to me.

And a mother insisting their DC take her name isn't those things?

I noticed on Prince George's birth certificate (and therefore presumably on all birth certs ?) that the Father's details were shown before the Mother's.

Someone has to be first and F is before M in the alphabet Wink

Dackyduddles · 04/08/2013 16:07

Actually I'd question a few things,

Doesn't baby automatically get the mums name if unmarried? I mean, there's no right for dad to even be on the birth certificate is there? Logically then if say baby takes mums name unless agreed otherwise.

If be careful of him doing the birth cert. he could name it anything! If you have a csec u mightn't feel like queuing up yourself.

Dackyduddles · 04/08/2013 16:08

If? Wtf? I'd I'd I'd !!!!

IAmTheTwelfthDoctor · 04/08/2013 16:19

Baby doesn't automatically get any particular surname on the birth certificate. They ask you for the surname and you can give mother's surname, father's surname (whether his details appear on the bc or not), Mountbatten-Windsor, Quetzalcoatl or Fartbottom (or other options, obviously. Those aren't the only five).

Hospital records will automatically be in the mother's surname, though.

CSIJanner · 04/08/2013 16:20

Usually on the ward, baby would get two bands (wrist & foot) saing "Baby [mothers surname]"

Baby Janner2 was very adept at removing foot bands Hmm

QueenofKelsingra · 04/08/2013 16:21

soupdragon is spot on imo.

I gladly took DH's name on marriage and therefore our DC too. To be it is not a sign of ownership but a sign of us being a family - we all share a 'family name'.

I also hate this obsession with 'safeguarding' against ending up alone, as if this a definite outcome. I wish people would have more faith and more commitment to their relationships.

IAmTheTwelfthDoctor · 04/08/2013 16:22

Dacky, if they aren't married then it will have to be the OP who registers the birth -- her partner can't do it without her. And here at least you have to book an appointment with the registrar, no queueing up involved.

paperclipsarebetterthanstaples · 04/08/2013 16:40

Until recently i was in the 'not arsed about marriage' category. I went with tradition and gave DS DP's surname and tbh i really regret it - i hate having a different name to DS :-(

sonlypuppyfat · 04/08/2013 16:51

I had my dads name he didn't own me, and now I have my DHs name he doesn't own me either they are just names ffs! Its a name for family unity. I love it when we're called the puppy family we are a team and are all related to each other

LongTailedTit · 04/08/2013 17:15

To clarify, what pisses me off is when a man INSISTS his wife takes his name, or makes his partner give their DC his name. The men I have know that have done this (stepdad etc) have very definitely done it out of some misplaced belief that it makes the woman/child 'theirs'. One stepdad bullied my mum into changing her name, even tho she'd kept her surname in her previous relationships/marriages (to less twattish blokes), as he didn't feel 'properly married' until she had his name. Hmm

Likewise, a woman who gives her partner no choice in their child's surname is being equally controlling, however, given that in general most child are still falls to women and in family breakups the children generally stay with the mother, it seems the rational choice for DC to have the mothers name.
It's not a one-size-fits-all solution, but it does seem impractical that our culture in the UK prefers children to have their father's name.

teacherandguideleader · 04/08/2013 17:26

I desperately want to get married but my DP doesn't. I have always been the outsider in my family and it makes me sad that I will always be the outsider.

I have decided that should DP and I have children, they will take my name (he doesn't know this yet as children haven't been discussed more than a 'hopefully we'll have some'). My parents separated when I was just a few weeks old - my mum still uses her married name as she wanted to have the same surname as me. I guess it has rubbed off on me and is incredibly important to me.

BerkshireMum · 04/08/2013 17:52

My cousin gave her son her surname rather than that of her long-term, co-habiting DP. He was fine with it, although it helped that our family name would've died out if she hadn't done that!

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 04/08/2013 17:55

YANBU there is no reason your baby shouldn't have your name, it just as important as his

I think if a man had a baby with a woman he is not married to or doesn't share a name with then he should never just expect that his will be the name used

Having said that my dc have my DH's surname, as do I now that we're married. It was important to me that we all had the same name and I was happy for that name to DH's. one of the reasons I was happy was because it was important to my DH too and he would have been willing to change his name to mine or a to new one