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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have bad vibes and avoid unsupervised, 5 year old neighbour

443 replies

jessieagain · 03/08/2013 08:56

I am wondering if I'm being unreasonable about this and what you would do. We have recently moved into a new flat. Next to our flat is a playground.

I take my 2 year old there a couple of times a week.

I doesnt get used much as there is a big and much better playground in a park close by. Occasionally there are 1-2 children there with their parents, sometimes a couple of 4-10 years olds together or an older child 9+ by themself. My son is quite interested in playing with other people and usually runs up to them so we end up having a chat.

Twice however there has been a young girl about 5 who has been by herself, she has a bike with her that makes my son pretty excited about so he runs over to her.

The first time she was quite bossy to him about not touching her bike and was shouting no at him, so I distracted him and got him away to play on the swings. She followed us over and kept trying to talk to him and me, I tried to discourage her hanging around us by not really answering her questions andby talking to ds but she kept in trying to talk to us. I decided to leave the playground and take ds to the park so we could get away from her and she suddenly started whining and begging to come too. I said she couldn't as she needed her own parent to take her and she started shouting an crying saying that she wanted to come and it wasn't fair etc. I said goodbye, picked up ds and walked away quickly.

Yesterday we met her again at the playground and it started similarly with her saying ds couldn't touch her bike so I told ds we needed to go back to our flat (fortunately he had had enough of a play so didnt mind). I picked him up and started walking away. She started running towards us with her bike, shouting for us to not go and then she fell over on top of her bike and started crying as well. I was about 6 metres away from her by then, so called out that she was ok and should go home to her parents and kept walking away.

I was very uncomfortable about this whole situation, I think she is far too young to be by herself and her behaviour is too erratic and hysterical so I don't want her near me or ds. I get a really bad vibe around her and don't want to be around her again, but I feel bad about this as she is only a little girl. Aibu about this?

OP posts:
candycoatedwaterdrops · 03/08/2013 10:12

Only on MN....a huge thread discussing how the majority would be very concerned about a child's welfare when a parent was screaming profanities but a child potentially being neglected and apparently doing nothing is acceptable?

thornrose · 03/08/2013 10:12

I do think parks on estates are often treated more as a shared garden, certainly when I lived on an estate there were many unsupervised young children. When I stayed with my dd I was seen as a bit odd I think.

However, this child is not safe to be left unsupervised. I would have to try to find her parent and tell them how willing she is to go off with strangers. When she fell over that would've been the perfect opportunity. To walk away leaving her to cry is odd/unusual to me.

Pannacotta · 03/08/2013 10:12

OP sorry but you do sound cold and detached.
I don't understand as a mother how you could walk away from a small child alone and in tears who had just fallen off her bike and needed help.

How are our responses odd?

McBalls · 03/08/2013 10:12

Spero - I didn't say anyone had suggested child going to op's home. Talking about the child's home.

ENormaSnob · 03/08/2013 10:13

To ignore a child at risk is to be complicit in any potential abuse.

Your attitude is disgusting.

BehindLockNumberNine · 03/08/2013 10:13

You don' t have to hold an in-depth conversation with her!! Just check she is ok, and perhaps follow her home to talk to the parents...

OR, if you feel you cannot do that, then ask around your neighbours - do they know the little girl, do they know her family set-up, do they think she needs help....

OR, you can turn a blind eye. And when she goes missing, gets hurt or worse then you can continue to turn a blind eye and tell yourself that it is ok you did not help, she was a bit odd after all.... Confused

HaroldLloyd · 03/08/2013 10:16

If she's there on a regular basis and you really don't want to talk or engage with her, which is your choice at the end of the day, could you call say NSPCC for advice?

She's clearly rung alarm bells with you.

Spero · 03/08/2013 10:16

Mcballs - why so inappropriate to take her home? You can gauge the adults reaction - if they are angry, pissed, not there you know to take it further. If they seem worried then hopefully it won't happen again. But if it does you now have all the info you need to tell either ss or police that something really serious is going on here.

And it is really serious. It's a potential criminal offence, it's a potential for harm to come to this child who has already shown she will be very inappropriately familiar with adults she doesn't know. Massive warning bells going off.

Eyesunderarock · 03/08/2013 10:17

Home to the child's house I think, but what if she yells and wails that she doesn't want to go?
I can understand the OP's reluctance to get involved, I see it over and over again, this child's issues are a problem and it can get very tricky once you get involved at a deeper level than checking if a child is hurt or having a conversation with them in a neutral public area. Easier to ignore and go to a different park. Perhaps not the best, kindest or most effective way of dealing with the problem that the child's need for company is placing on you, but very human.
Whilst there are so very many crap, incompetent and selfish parents out there abandoning their children to whoever will look out for them, until there is a more efficient method of raising issues of neglect and having them dealt with, the altruism of strangers is all the children have.
Which can make them as difficult to disengage from as limpets and rocks.

Vivacia · 03/08/2013 10:19

Jessie it's ok to not feel comfortable talking to a child, but you need to handle it differently to blanking her and denying her her feelings. That's cruel. Somebody up thread talked about getting some sentences prepared, they seemed like good responses for being caring but not too involved.

Also, I think there's a difference between being responsible for her entertainment and being responsible for her safety.

Pannacotta · 03/08/2013 10:20

Spero I agree the whole scenario set off alarm bells for me. I hardly ever post on AIBU but this OP touched a nerve, esp after the awful death of the little boy which was such big news this week.

I do think as parents it is important not to forget our common humanity and look out for others, esp small children who are unable to fend for themselves....

McBalls · 03/08/2013 10:22

Inappropriate because children are taught not to go off with random adults, no matter how nice or friendly or safe they may seem.
To encourage the child to leave the playground you'd be completely undermining that and potentially -if the home situation is abusive- setting the child up for an awful reaction from the parent for not doing as told.

If you are that concerned call ss, or even the police, or hang around til child leaves of own accord and keep an eye to make sure gets home.

Eyesunderarock · 03/08/2013 10:24

Our CPOs were great, and they knew the area and the people very well.
OP you can look out for the girl's welfare without having to get into a personal relationship with her.

Spottypurse · 03/08/2013 10:24

I just couldn't imagine walking off if a child was crying after falling over their bike.

Op, when your son is 5 and falls off his bike would you hope that an adult, if they saw it, would walk away and leave him crying (and tell him he's fine from a distance) or would you,hope that they would stop, make sure he was ok and bring him home?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/08/2013 10:27

Jessie

What strikes me is how nervous you sound. Maybe you don't feel very confident with children apart rom your own and he is only 2 and you haven't yet learned what older children are like or interacted much. Are you not very comfortable where you live?

But you are an adult and try to remember that this is a little girl.

Fallout1977 · 03/08/2013 10:28

So what! She shouldn't be out on her own at 5yrs old for sure then if she's going to walk off with any Tom, dick or Harry who says he has some puppies at home! I was just trying to say that ss should be made aware that this child is obviously neglected!
God knows what could happen to her! My DM was abused in a park when she was little because her waste of space so called mother let her and her bothers roam free with no supervision.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/08/2013 10:29

I hope you take the advice of others here. There are a number of things you can do to help her without pushing yourself too far out of your comfort zone.

At the very very least, show some kindness and warmth.

sashh · 03/08/2013 10:29

So a little girl is terrified someone will take her bike of her. Where I live it is routine in certain families to give the children hugely expensive presents at Xmas, which are then sold to cash converters later.

She fell over and hurt herself, probably only a graze but you walked away.

If your ds became separated from you what would you want an adult to do?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/08/2013 10:30

Behinds post above gives a number of options, OP

thornrose · 03/08/2013 10:31

I was just thinking, if it's a big housing estate there will probably be a specific named police officer. It could be worth having a chat and seeing if they will hang around in the park for a bit and see what they think.

I rang them a few times to say that young children were in the park unsupervised at night (it was right opposite my flat) and they made a point of making their presence felt for a while.

Spottypurse · 03/08/2013 10:31

Fallout or others who might know. Please can you tell me if SS would really say neglect if a child was playing in sight of their home? Because I have left DD in the car to get stuff from the shop or pay for petrol, I've let her walk to her friends and I'm worried that someone will see her and report me to SS for neglect

KirjavaTheCat · 03/08/2013 10:32

The park isn't in sight of the child's home, Spotty. OP said it was a fair way off and behind trees and bushes.
That's not 'looking out of the window' supervision.

cjel · 03/08/2013 10:32

Ring SS, police. Its not up to you what they may or may not do, but they may well know the family and it could be last piece of jigsaw they need. How can you turn your back on a crying whiny in need child?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 03/08/2013 10:32

Ornrose

Yes, the community police might be the best people to contact.

Eyesunderarock · 03/08/2013 10:32

OP doesn't know, her child is only 2.
When he's 5, he won't be out and about unsupervised on his bike either.
OP is in a new situation that she's very uncomfortable with. That doesn't make her evil, just inexperienced and uncertain.

In the same way that I get impatient and annoyed when posters here see teenagers as scary and threatening and not what you want to engage with because...
Or when all the nonsense starts in term time with young children being slagged off, virtually wished harm and generally demonised because they have upset the poster's poppet. The posters put their child first, however small their needs are by comparison.
OP doesn't know what to do for the best