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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have bad vibes and avoid unsupervised, 5 year old neighbour

443 replies

jessieagain · 03/08/2013 08:56

I am wondering if I'm being unreasonable about this and what you would do. We have recently moved into a new flat. Next to our flat is a playground.

I take my 2 year old there a couple of times a week.

I doesnt get used much as there is a big and much better playground in a park close by. Occasionally there are 1-2 children there with their parents, sometimes a couple of 4-10 years olds together or an older child 9+ by themself. My son is quite interested in playing with other people and usually runs up to them so we end up having a chat.

Twice however there has been a young girl about 5 who has been by herself, she has a bike with her that makes my son pretty excited about so he runs over to her.

The first time she was quite bossy to him about not touching her bike and was shouting no at him, so I distracted him and got him away to play on the swings. She followed us over and kept trying to talk to him and me, I tried to discourage her hanging around us by not really answering her questions andby talking to ds but she kept in trying to talk to us. I decided to leave the playground and take ds to the park so we could get away from her and she suddenly started whining and begging to come too. I said she couldn't as she needed her own parent to take her and she started shouting an crying saying that she wanted to come and it wasn't fair etc. I said goodbye, picked up ds and walked away quickly.

Yesterday we met her again at the playground and it started similarly with her saying ds couldn't touch her bike so I told ds we needed to go back to our flat (fortunately he had had enough of a play so didnt mind). I picked him up and started walking away. She started running towards us with her bike, shouting for us to not go and then she fell over on top of her bike and started crying as well. I was about 6 metres away from her by then, so called out that she was ok and should go home to her parents and kept walking away.

I was very uncomfortable about this whole situation, I think she is far too young to be by herself and her behaviour is too erratic and hysterical so I don't want her near me or ds. I get a really bad vibe around her and don't want to be around her again, but I feel bad about this as she is only a little girl. Aibu about this?

OP posts:
pictish · 03/08/2013 09:58

I don't think you sound heartless or horrified.
I think you have rightly ascertained that this child has some social issues and it's more than you are prepared to take on.
I think that's what you mean by 'bad vibe'.

All the kids I describe in my earlier post gave me a bad vibe as well, as they were the product of neglect and poor socialisation. They lacked boundaries and social skills, and were desperately vulnerable.

One of the lads I kept half an eye on, and allowed into the flat (was the older brother of the first child I found) eventually physically assaulted my son while visiting, so I showed him the door.
His response was to stand in my garden and stare aggressively into my windows. I eventually went out and told him to get out of the garden, and he came at me with a baseball bat. He swing it at my head, but being bigger and stronger, I was able to fend him off and grab the bat. I took off to speak to his mother, while he pelted me with stones. Confused

Eventually she came to the door, but she was gouged out on smack, and totlly incapable of doing anything...although she apologised for him profusely.
Another day, another call to the local bobbies.

Some kids DO give off a bad vibe folks. It may not be very palatable, but it's true.
Don't be so quick to judge the OP. I know of what she speaks, as I have direct experience of it. Sinbu.

CreatureRetorts · 03/08/2013 09:58

Confused what exactly are you worried about? A kid hurts themselves, you try and find their parents.... What exactly would happen next?

Seems like you want to take an arms length approach. However you're dealing with another person so requires humanity.

pictish · 03/08/2013 09:58

horrible not horrified.

KirjavaTheCat · 03/08/2013 09:59

You worry how they might react? Well ok, sod the welfare of the child then eh. She may not be your DS but she's still a human being. ffs.

I hope your her sake, her parents' sake and your conscience's sake that she doesn't get bundled into a van.

MaryPoppinsBag · 03/08/2013 09:59

I was once on the park and had two five year old girls chatting to me. I found out their names, ages, schools they went to and worked out that they were unsupervised.
They were desperate for an adults company. And as a mother with two boys (4 &1) I must have looked like good company.

I must admit I was uncomfortable with the situation, but only because they were unsupervised. I like kids and will always chat with them.
I began to leave the park when we had done and they followed me.

I decided to take them home as I couldn't risk leaving them there as they'd have gone with anyone. I saw them into to the flat.

It was only when I expressed my absolute disgust on Facebook that my neighbour who is a social worker told me to call out of hours social services. I did this and they were fantastic. They went out to the family that evening and my neighbour came round and thanked me on behalf of the social workers as they'd managed to put a care plan in place. The social worker I spoke to told me that one of the little girls was known to them.

In future though I would just call the police as I took a massive risk leading two children out if a park. And who knows what I sent them home to - drugs/ mother having sex with partner/ being hit for leaving the park on their own.

fatfingers · 03/08/2013 09:59

I don't think there's anything wrong with finding the little girl annoying or attention seeking. I would also find it annoying if a very attention seeking child started imposing herself on me in the local park. I also understand that OP doesn't want to end up being responsible for someone else's child because their parents can't be bothered.

BUT none of that is really the little girl's fault and it was callous to leave her when she had fallen over. I think you should have really taken her home at that point OP.

PiddlingWeather · 03/08/2013 09:59

I find this all a bit sad.

She's a little girl. She's not out to get your two year old. It sounds as though she is feeling very lonely and probably scared. I think a 5 year old who is running after strangers, getting very upset and begging them not to leave is a 5 year old who should not be left by themselves in a park. Poor little thing. It made me feel a little sick when you said she fell over her bike running after you Sad I can't believe you left her because you thought she'd claim it was your son...what an utterly ridiculous thing to say.

EugenesAxe · 03/08/2013 09:59

Crap I cross posted with about 20 people then, it took me so long to write my post...

PurpleRayne · 03/08/2013 10:00

When you only have a 2 year old, a 5 year old can seem so much bigger and older, perhaps even threatening, compared to your own pfb. But they are still not much more than a baby themselves really. Yours was not a mature response.

Original poster
jessieagain · 03/08/2013 10:01

Also the reason I would think she might blame me or ds is from observing her previous behaviour. Crying, whining, begging, saying I'm(!) not being fair to her. She doesn't even know me and she seemed so much more familiar than most children of that age I have come across before.

OP posts:
Spottypurse · 03/08/2013 10:01

Phew. Thanks Isildur. Blush

Fallout1977 · 03/08/2013 10:04

I would be worried that she is quite happy to go off with anyone! You should take her back to her parents and explain what she has been doing because this is not on at all! I don't care how old she is she should know not to talk to strangers and certainly not be begging to go off with them! You can gauge from their reaction to her behaviour about whether or not they care and if she is there again in the next few days unsupervised then I suggest you ring ss or even the police to report what has been happening.

Vivacia · 03/08/2013 10:04

"Your responses don't seem right to me"

What strikes you as odd/unusual about people's responses Jessie?

TrinityRhino · 03/08/2013 10:06

I do think you are reacting strangely to a child who obviously needs an adult to help her

have you never come across children who aren't looked after the same as you would look after your own

do you live in a bubble?

galletti · 03/08/2013 10:07

Probably because she has had to be familiar with people, maybe because she is on her own for long periods of time jessie. Surely it's a risk to take when a five year old seems to be alone. It really worries me that you can't see that this child needed help. I would have asked more questions.

Vivacia · 03/08/2013 10:08

imnotmymum Jessie didn't ask "you ok" to the child who was hurt she said, "you are ok". I find this particularly cruel and confusing for the child who is hurt but has an adult telling her she isn't.

McBalls · 03/08/2013 10:09

Are people really suggesting op should have taken the child home?
That is hugely inappropriate. Like asking a child to keep a secret.

Spottypurse · 03/08/2013 10:09

Fallout - but five year olds don't have a filter in their brain. The child I was talking about wanted to come home with me to feed the dog. The OP has a 2 year old the girl wants to interact with. The wanting to go home with doesn't strike me as out of the ordinary.

Spero · 03/08/2013 10:09

Yes, seriously suggesting you call social services. Just report what you have seen if you don't want to get involved. At least you have done something. If she pointed out flat you know the address, this family may already be on system.

BehindLockNumberNine · 03/08/2013 10:10

The responses (you received on here) seem a bit odd to you??
What did you want, people agreeing with you and confirming that it is ok to ostracise a little girl, a needy, vulnerable little girl.
Why would she be so desperate to come home with you? Why is she out alone unsupervised?
She needs support, not someone turning their nose up and walking away.

FFS, what is wrong with some people!!

Vivacia · 03/08/2013 10:10

galletti , "It really worries me that you can't see that this child needed help."

I think Jessie knows the child is vulnerable and needs help but feels that this makes her (the child) all the more dangerous and strange and therefore needing to be avoided.

Spero · 03/08/2013 10:11

Who has suggested the op take the child to the op's home?

I suggested she escort the child to the child's home and tell the adults there you found her alone. No need to be aggressive, just politely concerned. Then if she is alone again after that, I would phone police.

youarewinning · 03/08/2013 10:11

You, by your own admittance, allowed your DS to approach this child because he likes to talk to children, and was attracted to this one as she had a bike. You started chatting to this girl with your DS.

Then you the adult run away because the child didn't react the way you expected them too. (btw a possessive stage is normal and they soon stop when they realise it wins them no popularity contest!)

I totally understand you not wanting to be responsible but you cannot expect a young child to know they are only allowed to talk to you if they follow a certain - and by that I mean your unspoken ones - rules.

Original poster
jessieagain · 03/08/2013 10:11

vivacia what I meant about your responses not being right to me is that although they all sound like good 'sensible' things to say, I personally would have trouble saying them to her I guess, as I am quite introverted and not very good at conversing, especially with 5 year olds.

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 03/08/2013 10:11

Vivacia thank you and Shock OP

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