Aibu to have bad vibes and avoid unsupervised, 5 year old neighbour

[jessieagain]

I am wondering if I'm being unreasonable about this and what you would do. We have recently moved into a new flat. Next to our flat is a playground.

I take my 2 year old there a couple of times a week.

I doesnt get used much as there is a big and much better playground in a park close by. Occasionally there are 1-2 children there with their parents, sometimes a couple of 4-10 years olds together or an older child 9+ by themself. My son is quite interested in playing with other people and usually runs up to them so we end up having a chat.

Twice however there has been a young girl about 5 who has been by herself, she has a bike with her that makes my son pretty excited about so he runs over to her.

The first time she was quite bossy to him about not touching her bike and was shouting no at him, so I distracted him and got him away to play on the swings. She followed us over and kept trying to talk to him and me, I tried to discourage her hanging around us by not really answering her questions andby talking to ds but she kept in trying to talk to us. I decided to leave the playground and take ds to the park so we could get away from her and she suddenly started whining and begging to come too. I said she couldn't as she needed her own parent to take her and she started shouting an crying saying that she wanted to come and it wasn't fair etc. I said goodbye, picked up ds and walked away quickly.

Yesterday we met her again at the playground and it started similarly with her saying ds couldn't touch her bike so I told ds we needed to go back to our flat (fortunately he had had enough of a play so didnt mind). I picked him up and started walking away. She started running towards us with her bike, shouting for us to not go and then she fell over on top of her bike and started crying as well. I was about 6 metres away from her by then, so called out that she was ok and should go home to her parents and kept walking away.

I was very uncomfortable about this whole situation, I think she is far too young to be by herself and her behaviour is too erratic and hysterical so I don't want her near me or ds. I get a really bad vibe around her and don't want to be around her again, but I feel bad about this as she is only a little girl. Aibu about this?

Jessie I understand your feares but it would really help you I you talk to a counsellor, see your GP who would be abl to referr you o give you information on organisation in you area. You can sy as little. As much in the session, you can even say nothing at all (I've been myself). Te counsellor will let you talk and ask question I necessary to get a wider picture. I would definitely go fo it!

her behaviour is too erratic and hysterical so I don't want her near me or ds

You say she's 5 and by herself in a park, she will be a bit 'hysterical' as you so nicely put it!
Find out where her parents are if she's that upset, don't just walk away as she's 'erratic and hysterical.'

build this thread has so moved on. PLEASE read the lot!

Well done OP, I'm very glad you acted.

It's concerning that you feel very negative and unhappy about having done a good thing. It does make me worry for you and Im sure you can't be happy living like that? I really would advise you to go to the gp and ask for councelling, as your past seems to be really effecting your life now. I'm not saying this in a nasty way, loads of people get councelling for all sorts of reasons and it can really help you

Right, eventually got through the entire thread (was only on about page 9 before posting!) so glad a call has been made.
18 pages (front and back! does take some wading through!
for the OP

WOW for perserverance Buttercup!!!

You see, I don't find it concerning that Jessie feels negative about doing a good thing. Please feel free to let me know if any of this isn't applicable Jessie.

Firstly, it may take Jessie out of her comfort zone, particularly as the idea to phone didn't come from the OP themselves. I don't know about you Jessie, but I hate phoning, can force myself to do it, but it takes time and Jessie hasn't had that long since the first post. Secondly, there may still be some feeling that she is still not 100% sure this is the best thing to do, again, the other posters have said it is, but that's an external pressure not an internal decision. Thirdly, Jessie indicates that the person who took her call didn't necessarily feel that calling was the appropriate action "I'm sure the woman on the phone thought I was starting trouble" so that feeds into number 2; and finally, there is still the thought about repercussions - what happens if she sees the girl again unsupervised, the fact that Jessie has called doesn't mean that the issue has gone away. What if the girl or her parents see Jessie and specifically ask if she knows anything about SS or police involvement (if it comes to that). If Jessie is anything like me, then she'll be playing all these different interactions that she's had - the girl, MN forum posters, the person at Crimestoppers - through again and again rather than feeling a sense of relief and closure.

As for counselling, yep probably would work but waiting lists are long. The counsellor if using a CBT or integrative approach, is likely to try to get you to catch any negative thoughts and to turn them around and use some kind of exposure therapy of going into stressful situations . Personally, I've been doing that to myself - purposefully enagaging in situations I hate (and finding that the worse very rarely happens) and trying to catch negative thoughts but I'm a psychologist by background including training in coaching psychology so I may be more able to do this than someone without that background?

doozermum I thought that Jessie has explained about it all being related to unhappy experiences in childhood. People are advising her to seek help so that she can work through these, both for her and her child's sake.

she fell over her bike and you shouted she was ok and just kept walking?
the poor child.
i ended up in a tricky situation of having unsupervised children turning up in my garden, i felt uncomfortable but for them not about them. it was very stressful at the time but i'm glad i didn't walk away as it gradually became more and more apparent they were being neglected and i was able to ring ss and police with the information for the family to be helped.
i think you are being unreasonable and teaching your son a very bad lesson in life. it sounds like this might be a little girl who seriously needs some help, and you might be the adult who has just happened to come across and it and needs to act.
if you wish to walk away that is of course up to you, but at 5 yrs old, she's still a very young and vulnerable child.

sorry i hadn't read the whole thread!
well done op!!

Vivacia I get that, but not all counselling is about thinking about how your past has impacted on your present but more about how to take your present and turn that into a different future because you cannot change your past, only your future. So whilst the past might come up, it isn't the starting point for therapy. A fair bit of CBT works from that approach so you don't "work through" the unhappy childhood stuff but more on the feelings, thoughts and behaviours that you have now. Depends on your counselling philosophy of course, the counsellors I work with tend to be integrative so combine different counselling styles but most of them are forward facing rather than backwards facing, IYSWIM.

If you are faced with a long wait for access to a counsellor then I thought it might help to know ways that people can start to work through their anxiety whilst waiting.

Thank you for explaining counselling to me.

I think that if you are not aware of where the negative thinking comes from it is not possible in my experience to change thoughts completely. I don't think it is necessary to dwell on bad past situations but you need to be aware of the thought s that went with them at the time to understand why you think like you do and to permanently alter them so they won't jump up and hit you again in the future.

Wow! iamadoozer once again that is EXACTLY how I felt (and still feel) about phoning. Amazing, it is like you read my mind!

Interestingly I don't think there is ever a situation thy I would feel completely positive about something even if it would seem on paper that it was a good thing that happened. Especially if it was something '"good" that was unexpected or out of the ordinary.

That is very interesting about the cbt, it does sound like a practical and postive process which I would prefer rather than anything too intrusive and 'unknown' which would make me feel too overwhelmed. I think I will look up those podcasts that were mentioned earlier about it and go from there.

Thank you again for more supportive posts, I really appreciate then

Oddly, I think you've shown yourself as being very open to difficult conversations and hearing challenging advice just by your returning to this thread for days!

Just so long as returning to the thread doesn't start to feel like an adequate substitute for real action....be careful about that, OP.

Morning Jesse, So glad that this has ended up positive for you, I would just say that although what you are planning is great and well done you for even starting to consider you'd like to change, don't think that counselling is hard and too deep and scary, it won't be and you won't have to look at anything that you don't want to. I waited too many years before I plucked up courage to do it and I wish I'd done it sooner.

Hope you find something that helps you be who you want to be

You can also get great Apps for ipod/kindle etc on CBT. Once you understand the process, talking to a real counsellor may not seem so scary.