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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to have bad vibes and avoid unsupervised, 5 year old neighbour

443 replies

jessieagain · 03/08/2013 08:56

I am wondering if I'm being unreasonable about this and what you would do. We have recently moved into a new flat. Next to our flat is a playground.

I take my 2 year old there a couple of times a week.

I doesnt get used much as there is a big and much better playground in a park close by. Occasionally there are 1-2 children there with their parents, sometimes a couple of 4-10 years olds together or an older child 9+ by themself. My son is quite interested in playing with other people and usually runs up to them so we end up having a chat.

Twice however there has been a young girl about 5 who has been by herself, she has a bike with her that makes my son pretty excited about so he runs over to her.

The first time she was quite bossy to him about not touching her bike and was shouting no at him, so I distracted him and got him away to play on the swings. She followed us over and kept trying to talk to him and me, I tried to discourage her hanging around us by not really answering her questions andby talking to ds but she kept in trying to talk to us. I decided to leave the playground and take ds to the park so we could get away from her and she suddenly started whining and begging to come too. I said she couldn't as she needed her own parent to take her and she started shouting an crying saying that she wanted to come and it wasn't fair etc. I said goodbye, picked up ds and walked away quickly.

Yesterday we met her again at the playground and it started similarly with her saying ds couldn't touch her bike so I told ds we needed to go back to our flat (fortunately he had had enough of a play so didnt mind). I picked him up and started walking away. She started running towards us with her bike, shouting for us to not go and then she fell over on top of her bike and started crying as well. I was about 6 metres away from her by then, so called out that she was ok and should go home to her parents and kept walking away.

I was very uncomfortable about this whole situation, I think she is far too young to be by herself and her behaviour is too erratic and hysterical so I don't want her near me or ds. I get a really bad vibe around her and don't want to be around her again, but I feel bad about this as she is only a little girl. Aibu about this?

OP posts:
Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 03/08/2013 09:19

Next time you see her, ask her where she lives and who she lives with, get her talking. She is only five and is not behaving very oddly given that but she does need attention.

No five year old should be left alone in a playground in the way you describe. It's not helicopter parenting to go with them, it's parenting. Don't just shrug that off. This girl might need help.

Spero · 03/08/2013 09:20

I don't think anyone is suggesting the op adopt this child or even invite her to play. Just to show some basic humanity and check that this child does actually have a functioning adult carer who knows where she is.

And if she doesn't, other agencies must be informed urgently.

Eyesunderarock · 03/08/2013 09:21

I found the CPOs helpful, they used to wander around, observe advise and warn parents if there was a problem.

KirjavaTheCat · 03/08/2013 09:21

That would ring major alarm bells for me. If she tries to go with you after meeting you for the first time, she is too young to be alone. Next time it could be an adult who wishes to do her harm.

If you feel uncomfortable now, how uncomfortable will you feel if she ends up in the papers knowing you could have done something to prevent it? Sorry to be harsh, but it just seems very strange to me that your first instinct was to walk away as fast as you can lest you acquire 'responsibility' for a child who is clearly alone and vulnerable. Next time you see her, ask her where her parents are, if something seems up, contact authorities.

Pannacotta · 03/08/2013 09:21

I agree with all the others.
I think 5 is way too young to be out alone on a bike, if she really is 5.
Why not engage with her instead of running off? Surely you can handle a 5 year old.
I would want to know where her parents are and why she is out on her own at that age. Not good.

Twattybollocks · 03/08/2013 09:22

Yabu. Whether you want the responsibility or not, as the only adult around at the time, morally the responsibility falls on you to look out for a vulnerable child. There could be a whole rack of reasons why she is out alone unsupervised, the best case scenario is that her parents are a bit slack and don't realise their daughter is trying to go home with random strangers, worse case scenarios are that she is being abused and would rather go home with a stranger than to her own home, or that her mum/dad are drunk/high and have kicked her out to play for the day.
Put the boot on the other foot, if your child was in danger and you weren't around, how would you feel it the adults around all ignored his plight and got on with their own lives.
There was one girl who used to play on the playground near us, she was there a lot, and really was too young to be out on her own. She suddenly disappeared from the playground, I later found out that my mum had reported it to ss and she had been removed as the mother was a prostitute and was kicking the girl out when her clients were there, so the poor kid would be out in all weathers shut out of her own home and her mother busy working.

Montybojangles · 03/08/2013 09:23

I find your reaction a little saddening to be honest.

Why didn't you just have a chat with her to find out where she was from and why she was by herself? She's a little girl who sound like she may need some sort of help, and twice you have just walked away.

YoniBottsBumgina · 03/08/2013 09:26

Why do you keep taking him away? She isn't doing anything in the least alarming.

The right thing to do would be to tell DS to keep away from the bike since it doesn't belong to him. If he has a tricycle or something you could take it along so he doesn't feel left out. She won't be there every time, but it's nice for children to make friends. You don't have to talk to her if you really don't want to but it would be nice of you to explain to her that DS is 2 and doesn't really talk enough to have a conversation yet. (They don't with other children really until they're closer to 3ish). It's pretty rude to ignore her questions altogether.

It's a park Confused of course you'll come across other children.

Ogg · 03/08/2013 09:26

Problem being though, like the van driver feared you could could be getting into a very difficult situation, which I think the opportunity is trying to imply by the dramatic behaviour of the child. You could also be faced by very aggressive parents who think you are being interfering or critical by taking her home which would not phase me but might many people especially as the opportunity has her own small child with her and is new to the area.

Original poster
jessieagain · 03/08/2013 09:26

She was most definitely no more than 6. I know she lives there as she pointed out her flat.

Would you seriously suggest I call ss and say what? The playground is right next to the flats so sort of like a communal garden, but I still wouldn't let a 5 year old out alone.

OP posts:
KirjavaTheCat · 03/08/2013 09:27

her behaviour is too erratic and hysterical so I don't want her near me or ds

She's 5 Sad

Spottypurse · 03/08/2013 09:28

Spero - I don't disagree, however, the lady was very aggressive in her approach.

As for the OP, as I said I would have talked to her. The ideal opportunity was when the child fell over and was crying. Rather than go, find out how she was and walk her home, the OP called out to the child that she was fine (how would the Op Know?) and then walked away. I wouldn't have done that.

AnyFucker · 03/08/2013 09:29

Look, if you really don't want to get involved then let the authorities know and let them decide if there is a problem. Hand the responsibility over, but please, don't do nothing

Spottypurse · 03/08/2013 09:30

Is it really really close then? Can her home be seen from the park?

Whothefuckfarted · 03/08/2013 09:30

I would have talked to her and asked her where she lived and taken her home after she fell over her bike.

YABU

Original poster
jessieagain · 03/08/2013 09:30

I didn't ignore her questions, just didnt answer her with more than a few words and tried to distract and occupy ds who wanted her bike and I didn't want to get into a situation where she was shouting at him about not touching her bike again.

OP posts:
Twattybollocks · 03/08/2013 09:30

And yes I would take her home, even if her parents know where she is, you still need to make them aware that their daughter is asking to go home with strangers. You should be able to get a fairly good gauge on if there is anything more sinister going on by seeing their reaction to this and the girls reaction to them

KirjavaTheCat · 03/08/2013 09:30

Say that you have concerns for a little girl who's frequently playing out alone, gets upset and tries to go home with other parents. Sounds like a fair concern to me.

AgentProvocateur · 03/08/2013 09:31

Would it have hurt you to talk to her or let your wee one play with her? She talks to you and you don't answer, then you walk away from her. Your reaction sounds mean and unpleasant, TBH.

pictish · 03/08/2013 09:32

Hmmm...it's a tricky one.
OP - yanbu in a sense...I understand you.

I used to live in an urban area that had a lot of unsupervised kids around. The first time I noticed was about two weeks after we moved in, and I found a 2 yr old wandering around outside with bare feet, wearing only a dirty vest.
I asked him where his mummy was and he just looked at me. In the end I called the police as I didn't know what else to do. They knew where he came from and took him home.

That was just the first. There were a few kids like that. Wee, vulnerable, and left to roam. Busy main roads, broken glass, drunks and junkies everywhere.
If I spoke to any of thise children even once, they would glue themselves to me, and I would have to be very firm with them. They would sometimes sit outside my flat door, asking to come in all the time. It worried me terribly - I could be anyone, and there they were, willingly putting themselves in my care, and wanting to come into my home.
Sometimes I would give in and let them in for a little while, and it would always occur to me that their parents had no idea where they were, or who they were with. Scary stuff.
I also had problems sometimes, removing a child when it was time to leave. I can recall two occasions where I had to physically pick up a flailing, skrieking child and put them out of my house.

I did call the police a handful of other times, and always the same - they would be led home and I would be assured that SS were involved, and thanked for my concern.

Nothing ever changed though. I lived there for six years, and in that time they got older, and younger free range kids appeared.

I'm ashamed to say I stopped taking it on. Some of you may critisise me for that, but I never did feel compelled to become the neighbourhood saint.

What would you have done in my shoes?

Spottypurse · 03/08/2013 09:34

There are kids in my road I hardly know. One of them is five. She has a little bike with a doll in a basket thing on the front. She is very wobbly at pedalling. I was out walking the dog and she was in the road cycling. She rode along beside us talking to the dog and she went bananas when we stopped and he peed on her bike. She then asked if she could come in to my house to feed the dog his dinner. We rode/walked to her house and asked her mum if it was ok, she came with me, fed the dog, and I walked her home.

That's what five year olds do. I wouldn't say her behaviour was that abnormal? But I would have taken her home when she fell.

K8Middleton · 03/08/2013 09:35

I think you were unpleasant and a big cruel. Walking away from her when she fell over is just horrible.

You should think about why you are scared of a small child and sort yourself out.

SolomanDaisy · 03/08/2013 09:35

Horrible posts, I am really shocked at how you are talking about a young child. Let's hope strangers are kinder to your son as he gets older.

Eyesunderarock · 03/08/2013 09:35

pictish, I know exactly what you mean. Sad

pianodoodle · 03/08/2013 09:38

A five year old child of mine would not be at the park on their own. For that reason I'd want to find out why someone else's was and would be nosy, frankly.

I'd be asking where her parents were or if she was being looked after. I be wondering why she was so keen for me not to go home.

I know you had your reasons for walking away but a little girl fell over on her bike and was crying I'd have gone back to check on her :(