Aibu to have bad vibes and avoid unsupervised, 5 year old neighbour

[jessieagain]

I am wondering if I'm being unreasonable about this and what you would do. We have recently moved into a new flat. Next to our flat is a playground.

I take my 2 year old there a couple of times a week.

I doesnt get used much as there is a big and much better playground in a park close by. Occasionally there are 1-2 children there with their parents, sometimes a couple of 4-10 years olds together or an older child 9+ by themself. My son is quite interested in playing with other people and usually runs up to them so we end up having a chat.

Twice however there has been a young girl about 5 who has been by herself, she has a bike with her that makes my son pretty excited about so he runs over to her.

The first time she was quite bossy to him about not touching her bike and was shouting no at him, so I distracted him and got him away to play on the swings. She followed us over and kept trying to talk to him and me, I tried to discourage her hanging around us by not really answering her questions andby talking to ds but she kept in trying to talk to us. I decided to leave the playground and take ds to the park so we could get away from her and she suddenly started whining and begging to come too. I said she couldn't as she needed her own parent to take her and she started shouting an crying saying that she wanted to come and it wasn't fair etc. I said goodbye, picked up ds and walked away quickly.

Yesterday we met her again at the playground and it started similarly with her saying ds couldn't touch her bike so I told ds we needed to go back to our flat (fortunately he had had enough of a play so didnt mind). I picked him up and started walking away. She started running towards us with her bike, shouting for us to not go and then she fell over on top of her bike and started crying as well. I was about 6 metres away from her by then, so called out that she was ok and should go home to her parents and kept walking away.

I was very uncomfortable about this whole situation, I think she is far too young to be by herself and her behaviour is too erratic and hysterical so I don't want her near me or ds. I get a really bad vibe around her and don't want to be around her again, but I feel bad about this as she is only a little girl. Aibu about this?

Ant, you're right the problem does lie with the parents.

But, as a society, the very least we owe each other is kindness.

Also just because our own children are hopefully cared for in what we judge a better way than the child say, in the news story recently, doesn't mean to say I can't still feel awful that things like this happen and hope that it doesn't happen again. But the sad thing is it might.

OP, asking someone if they are ok, or going to help, doesn't mean you're responsible for them.

And FTR, I don't think "playing down" a child being hurt IS the correct thing to do, personally. No, you don't have to make them into a victim, and be a drama queen but you should validate the fact that they've hurt themselves and possibly had a fright or whatever as well. If you fell down and hurt yourself would you want someone to say "Oh you're fine," and dismiss your pain or say "That looked like it hurt, let me make you a cuppa" (or something else comforting). You'd feel silly and as though you didn't really matter if you were dismissed, wouldn't you? I would. I think a small child definitely would.

Yes I understand why people disagree. But I don't think I could have made the responses suggested here. I honestly don't think I could.

I don't think I could have had the small talk with her with some of the suggested sentences earlier, I would be worried that she would become too attached and too familiar with us in the future.

I would be too worried about being blamed by her and her parents for her fall if I had gone over to help and then taken her home.

Doing anything differently makes me very uneasy.

I can understand you thinking that if you got any closer to the situation it'd leave you unprotected against what you feel was a distressing time when you were a DC.

Me and DH took DD1 to a park when she was 5 YO and a mum dropped her about 4 YO DD off before going out of sight to walk her dog, and we felt exactly the same as you, that she'd left us to be responsible for her DD because if she fell off something there's no way we could leave her, or leave the park because there was no one else there.

Bit miffed, and deliberately decided we/I (as the gobby one) would/should say something to the mum when she came back.

I wished for ages after that I hadn't.

The woman followed us home (luckily we got in first) asking our neighbours where we lived, driving up and down the road a while later with a bloke looking for us, she fishwived me in the street the next day, and next time she saw me her mate pretended to be in the police and tried to push me into her car. Had to get onto 999 in the end (where she told them I was trying to buy some 'brown' from her!).

Thankfully the police knew her and just rolled their eyes at her latest antics, but it was a scary shit time looking over my shoulder.

I've still made the effort to go to a DC when I've seen them lost or in distress, but it put me off for a while.

You really can't predict how someone will react, and it may come back on the little girl if you take her home, but ultimately, I would say you have to make this about balancing protecting yourself/your DS and what you know of the girl.

isis if I had a accident I would much prefer someone ignores it or says I'm ok, than offering me a cuppa! If they offered me a cuppa I might then cry and be all embarrassed and overwhelmed. I guess we are all different in this way.

OP so what if she blamed you for falling over ? She is 5 !
You are hardly going to be banged up for 15 years without parole !

I had very little exposure to small children before I had my own. My friends had kids but I never really took and interest, however since having my DD I could not stand buy and watch a child that had fallen. A little girl tripped in the playground in front of me the other day my instinctive reaction was to pick her up and dust her off even though mum was 15 feet away sat on the bench.
I don't think any mother would confront another mother for comforting their child in this situation (unless they had issues, but I would take my chances)

How would you feel if this little girl was taken from the park after you left her and was now missing ?
How would you feel if your little one got lost one day and was crying out for help and strangers just walked on by ?

OP, all the time and energy you've spent thinkiing and talking about this girl on here (well done for coming back despite the (IMO justified) flak btw) compares oddly with your utter refusal to engage with her in RL.

You had an unsupervised childhood, and that leads you to avoid her, and continue to decide to avoid her on reflection of your actions?

You come across as someone aggressively protecting the safe world in which you and your ds move against a frightening interloper. It may be that you have had difficult experiences which this situation is bringing back, but is that not all the more reason to reach out to this little girl in some shape or form?

Poor little thing, hurt, crying, and abandoned by you. You could have stayed with her and called the police non-emergency number on your mobile for advice if you hadn't wanted to take her home or have any contact with her parents.

OP but you are an adult, she is 5 all five year olds want to be given a cuddle after a fall. Even if they don't hurt themselves they are usually shaken. I hope your "coldness" doesn't get passed onto your DS.

From what I've read you appear to have social issues which stop you from seeing a little child as someone it's in your power to help. You seem to think the child is a threat, to your child, to you (?) and potentially being beholden / scared of the child's parents.

That wall of fear is stopping you from helping a vulnerable and little child. So many reasons for you not to help :(

I hear all the 'i don't want to be beholden' excuses, and the 'I don't know how to talk to a five year old' excuses and I think it's a depressing viewpoint to have but I kind of get it. Then i hear you trying to blame the child for your feelings, and I am quite shocked.

And then, you say you wouldn't have it in you to call ss either. I'm sorry but I struggle with that particular excuse. It's a nice distant passive kind of action which has absolutely zero consequences for you, and yet you don't seem to think its odd that for some unspecified reason you are happy putting your feelings of being uncomfortable above and beyond a child's safety. I don't get why you think that's a valid reason? If I ever did put my own comfort above a vulnerable child's, I'd be bloody ashamed and would never tell a soul, and I don't get why you don't seem to feel its wrong at all.

I hope this thread makes you reassess a few things. I wouldn't like to live in that web of fear stopping you from being a responsible adult when you need to be. I hope you get help for yourself as well as mustering the courage to talk to ss about that poor child.

Agent. Wow, that sounds awful.

Did it stop after the police got involved? I hope so. It's a scary world eh?!?

jessie I would prefer that too, as an adult. I also don't like people making any kind of acknowledgment I am upset nor do I like being fussed over when ill.

But I am an adult and can perfectly well articulate my wants and likes.

I'm sure I couldn't as a small child. I don't think the above even applied when I was a small child.

If you don't think this little girl is old enough to play out alone then surely she is not old enough to look after herself when she's hurt? I remember falling and grazing knees and elbows as kid. I remember it really really hurting and feeling stupid I'd done it, so wanted a grown up to tell me it was fine, it must have hurt but everybody does it etc etc etc.

agent

That's awful! What a ridiculously unreasonable woman!

You're a nightmare. You're not listening and you do not care.

Just get the fuck over yourself.

The police gave me some old flannel about them not being able to hear the car reg plate on the tape of my 999 call, which was odd, as was the policeman who came out to where I was when the freaks were driving round looking for me to do whatever it was they had in mind.

I had to go to the station once more about her and they said they'd had a word, but she really was actively looking for me so I kept a more low than normal profile.

She's still around and about and I used to see her every day taking DD to school ( ), but she can't have recognised me (hair cut/had my sunglasses on whenever I've seen her).

I really should have kept my big gob shut, what was it to me? Her DD wasn't at risk of any harm from us, but it was the fact that the mum didn't fucking know that that made me pick her up on it.

The OPs situation is much more complicated because of the length of time she's seen the little lass, that points to more than a just snapshot of her life and maybe her behaviour being a reflection of the difficulties she's having at home (?).

I would still advise the OP to do something, it's good she's decided to see what the other neighbours know, maybe finding out there's more to this than meets the eye will make it a bit more black/white and she can't not take further action.

Hope so anyway don't like to think of the lass wandering aimlessly not wanting/allowed to go home (even though I don't know that's what's happening).

Please don't get angry at the OP Wilson.

I know it feels like such a ridiculously easy decision to make, but it can't be the same for everyone.

If the OP was starting to feel suicidal (not suggesting you are OP, just worst case scenario) at the pressure she felt to report, but didn't feel she could physically pick the phone up to do it, I would tell her not to.

Her DS is entitled to her consideration as well, if not more, than this lass, as worrying as her situation sounds.

"Yes I understand why people disagree. But I don't think I could have made the responses suggested here. I honestly don't think I could."

Why on earth not?

Assuming that everything occurred exactly as you have related, your lack of compassion for this child is astounding.

You think her parents might not be "particularly balanced people"? And yet you think that ignoring a crying, hurt child is the response of a "balanced person"?

I don't really know why I'm bothering. You have castigated this child's parents for laziness in not supervising their child properly. You may be right about that. But I would say that your responses to this little girl indicate a certain degree of moral laziness. It was easier to ignore her than to do the right thing. Very sad.

About my son being lost one day, I would have no expectations about what people would do (aside from them not causing him harm). I would only have expectations of police, hospital, those in official roles etc

I wouldn't expect anything as I would understand why people would be cautious/hesitant to help. I would be grateful/thankful to those who may help and show kindness but I wouldn't expect it.

Is this attitude really that unusual?

Eek, that is a bit unusual OP, I would expect everyone to do whatever they could to help/find my DDs if they got lost (and I have little regard for other people).

I'd feel betrayed if they ignored their distress/obvious 'not right' ness of the situation.

The people who saw James Bulger before he died were in agony knowing they could have done more (although they weren't to blame at all IMO).

The average person will help a child. There have been studies on this. It's human nature. The last thing I want to have to do with my day is have to semi parent someone leese child. But the situation I mentioned earlier is fairly demonstrative that regardless of what I want, a child in distress = I must help them.

In disaster situations, real and set up it goes: children of any and all races/gender, then it's race, age and gender affected. Children are the only ones who people don't see through any judgmental "lens" by and large. And no, I cannot right now provide stats and references for the above. I studied it at A Level when doing psychology.

I don't know why you are angry with me wilson I am listening and I do care, I just don't feel I can do all that has been suggested.

OP I am not being funny but I think you need to get some cbt to deal with your anxiety and irrational thoughts. Not helping a crying 5 yr old when you're the only adult around, because you might have to talk to their parents and they might blame your DS for her falling is not a normal reaction. It sounds like you have panicked and now you don't know what to do. She is 5 and you are an adult and there is nothing to be scared of.

I hope you can be brave and call 101 and discuss this anonymously with the police, if nothing else. It sounds like the little girl needs some help.

alisvolt yes I agree but I don't think the situation with the girl gallon off her bike was a disaster and I did check if she was ok I didn't ignore and leave. Also she wasn't lost, she could point out her flat to me.

Dear jessie, your fear and mistrust of a little girl is abnormal. You have hinted at distressing events in your own childhood, which you now use as 'reason' for your irrational thoughts & feelings.

Others have suggested you'd benefit from counselling; I agree. You're clearly carrying unresolved issues. Those issues are almost certain to adversely impact your parenting. Although it's likely that you'll be unable to see why so many of your respondents feel this to be the case, I'd urge you to seek counselling and gain more insight.

You're projecting your own fears onto a small child. This is deeply dysfunctional.

Also, I wouldn't be surprised if the child she reminded you of was not your tormentor, as you thought, but yourself as a little girl.

Yes I panicked as I was worried about it that is why I dont think I could have done differently. She made me very uneasy and I wanted to get away from her. That's how I felt. If the situation involved an actual disaster/danger type situation I would have called police/ambulance etc and waited with her but it didnt.

I have been in situations where I have called for police/ambulance. Once when there was a man lying on the road with blood on his head at night, I stayed with him then. Also I rang and reported a group of kids aggressiely chasing a kid which I saw from a bus once, I will probably get flamed for not getting off the bus and stopping this myself now. I have also phoned police in domestic violence situations.

'children of any and all races/gender, then it's race, age and gender affected.'

If the OP's not feeling the pull of that for whatever reason, that must go towards saying how deeply she's been affected by how she was treated as a child?

I know I don't feel things other people seem to value which might come out in some 'unusual' decision making, but I can't help it. Because a child's involved I want the OP to feel the child is more important than any fears she might have for herself, but you can't bully someone into feeling strong enough.