To spend a bit less than half our annual salary on our wedding? Any regrets if you have done the same?

[Buttonholes]

We have this money in savings but are we spending too much? I keep thinking about the other things this money coud go towards. We are paying for our own wedding by the way, no help from parents.

OH is fine with it. I can't sleep from worry though :(

It's not only about the money but also managing expectations. If we spend all this money and it's not absolutely bloody wonderful I will feel gutted.

Well, as someone also in the 'wedding stress' club..!

Hmm. Personally I wouldn't.

I keep reminding myself..it's one day.

We're not spending very much at all, but still. I'm worrying about managing people's expectations. My lovely friend said last night actually - they know it's low key so they're not expecting everything perfect. He said he went to a £40k one and it was perfect. But for £40k he expected it to be.

Therein lies your problem!

Why do you want such a flash do anyway? Surely a registry office, a simple meal and a lovely honeymoon would suffice?

Maybe pay out for a decent photographer and have a lovely photoshoot with your 4 kids? You could dress them up etc and make a special day out of that.

So you have huge families?? So what! Doesn't mean they have to come to your wedding!

Sneak off to Vegas

What about a cheese 'cake' this can then double as a late night snack for the guests?

Definitely cava/prosecco not champagne.

Pimms for arrival drinks, with some sort of nibbles.

Congratulations, and enjoy your day

Sorry - missed the update!

In that case, definitely ok to scrap the free bar!

Have some drinks on arrival, then some wine (get people serving it though, don't just leave on the tables)

No one expects a free bar imo.

Totally acceptable for people to have to buy their own after you've given them the first 3 or 4 free.

That sounds a huge amount of money, especially if you have 4 kids already and are really just rubber stamping the committment you made to each other years ago.
I'd save most of the money for child related costs in the future. I did my make up and hair and didn't organise expensive cars or hire expensive venues.
It is just 1 day and it won't be the most important day of your lives as you have already committed to each other.
Hiring a village hall can be great as you can then sort out your own alcohol, buying lots of nice wine, getting a couple of barrels of beer etc.
We organised our wedding so it was in the afternoon with food at 5. Then no need to provide 2 meals.

I wouldn't have a tab at the bar for older relatives. imo the people ordering for the older relatives will probably take advantage of it. let the others buy the older relatives drinks.

Glad to hear you're getting the expense down to something manageable. If you're not sleeping with worry, even though you 'have' the money and won't go into debt, then that's telling you something important. Much better to keep as much of the money you've saved for a 'rainy day' for your family.

I'm sure there's time to fine-tune some of the expense before the day. Then you'll feel you 'catered' for everyone, which includes you! Don't bother with food at 10pm if you've finished eating by 8pm - nibbles if you must but not full-on food. Get hard-nosed and don't let the wedding sharks bleed you dry. There's still time.

congratulations btw! I do respect you wanting to invite the whole clan. That's what weddings are about imo... but I'm pretty much on my own with that one these days . I hope you have a lovely time - I'm sure you will. All the stress vanishes on the day, somehow (ime). btw I didn't taste the (delicious, apparently) food - too excited. I ate it - from what I remember - but didn't taste a thing. Ditto the very expensive (classical) music - didn't hear a note! But the guests did, and enjoyed both.

btw you must have a cake! You may not like it but everyone else will, and will expect it. You don't have to spend a lot on it, or cut it either; just as long as there is one that is displayed on a table somewhere. Perhaps you can serve the cake late in the evening instead of food?

Weddings can be v stressful, even without the expense! You may or may not have a great time (depending on how much you enjoy hosting large events and various factors, largely outside your control), and could use that money for lots of other things, so sensible to cut back.

Our (large) wedding cost around £14k (ten years ago), in hindsight I would have done something much smaller, and not just for financial reasons ( found it weird and inhibiting having lots of friends' partners / family there I hardly knew). We didn't have DC and were lucky in having sizeable contributions from both sets of parents, and could afford it, but the cash could've been put to much better use!

We had several big, "ordinary" cakes made by friends and family, bargain and tasty!

The wedding industry is a rip-off.

Don't let these mn'ers bully you into having a cake. I never had one and I went to a wedding at the weekend where they didn't either. And you know what, the lack of a slice of slightly stale sponge cake wasn't noticed by anyone.
The cheese cake idea is a good one though. 3 rounds of cheese as a "cake" then use that with some cheese biscuits and chutney as late night snacks.

OP, regardless of your family situation, spending half of your combined yearly salary on one day is utterly, utterly ridiculous. Given you have 4 children and a mortgage, it becomes reckless and very unwise.

I loathe big weddings which invariably have mediocre wine, lukewarm bad food and ghastly relatives of the couple.

Of course the way to really save money is to have a smaller wedding.

Fine to invite whole big family and lots of other guests if YOU want to and would enjoy having a big group and seeing everyone. But if for other reasons, e.g. to please others, think twice. I did it to please my mother (who would've had family stress had we not invited everyone) and DH (lots of mates), and regretted it. I found it stressful being "on show", worrying about what they thought, and feeling pressure to mingle and speak to everyone (including people who seemed like strangers), not to mention some bad behaviour from random cousins!

Keep the photographer - ten years on that is the thing that we are still looking at and showing our dc. Well done for dropping cash bar, we did calais trip and got cheap but nice bubbly ?3:50 (sparkling samur), plus some nice bottles of wine then paid £5 corkage - much nicer than the house stuff.

I would say drop evening buffet and rather have choice of cake or cheese. You can get cheap ones from M&S, save more by not decorating or cutting cake ceremony if it's not your thing,(means you can buy two big ones rather than tiered which would cost proportionally more), will make relatives feel more pissed if they can't remember the cake being cut but it just appearing. Look at the venue decorations askTidyDancer to do them for free do you need all the stuff they try to sell you. Dump or do your own favours.

Most importantly enjoy the day without worrying about the cost.

We are getting married next week. We've got everything in one place (booked for two nights) - wedding ceremony, party and accommodation for all of the guests. Our families live in different countries, and even the ones living in the country we are getting married in live too far to drive home. It's not some posh country house, though, which lowers the price. Lovely place, but not high-end by any means.

We are starting with a "Polterhochzeit" the night before, when we are having a BBQ. The next day, the ceremony will take place. We are having a free bar (drinks selection is limited, though,..and we generally have sparkling wine instead of champagne) buffet dinner, three wedding cakes (two of which are home made - my family like cake,...and they will still eat it late a night), then some more food for anyone, who wants it later at night. Parties in my family tend to go on until about 6-8 am the next morning, though, and you need food with all the booze.
My cousin is a photographer, so he is taking the photos. Music is coming from my dad's laptop. My future SIL is a hairdresser. All sorted. My dress was £300 in the sale and possibly the most expensive item. DP's suit is second-hand.
It's not anywhere close to half of our annual income. However, we've only got 25 people attending, which includes DP and me.
Funnily enough, both our families are really excited about it. It's DP and me, who more or less just go with the flow. It's just a big family party, at which we happen to get married.

Last wedding I went to was really expensive...and slightly boring, as there was nothing to do but wait for food and hope that the speeches stop soon. Good luck. Hope you can manage to get the costs down a little. Enjoy your wedding!

We had the same big family issue, we did a do it yourself wedding and it was amazing. A beautiful marquee in someone's garden filled with flowers from the market did my own flowers had a huge hog roast ordered the rest if the food and cake from m&s lots of fairy lights. All family and all their children came, we carried on until 3.30 in the morning as there were no closing times. We got all the wine etc from France everyone had loads to eat and drink without spending anything. Honestly it was easy and fun! I'm shocked at the amount some people spend, it's only a day after all even if it's amazing! We still had a great band and a good photographer can make any venue look nice.

The only thing to bear in mind that the week of the wedding you will probably be nervous and stressed.

If you do any of the big things yourself, ie, cake, flowers, venue decoration, catering, most of this needs to be done in this week or in the last few days. Yes you save money but it is potentially opening up yourself to logistical headaches and stress right up to the last minute.

I was so stressed on my wedding morning I couldn't even get my contacts in. I was so glad I opted for a make up and hair artist as no way I could have done my own well with the nerves. Even though it was a lit of money. I am normally cool as a cucumber btw. Never get stressed or nervous about anything!

We also did the cake ourselves. We didn't factor in the heat and a lot of our essentials melted 2 day before. We had to buy double of lots of elements. Would have been cheaper just to buy a professional one.

You forget that professionals know the right ways of doing things and have things like refrigerated vans!

Elements of the wedding are super expensive I know but what I realised post event is that you are buying a 'service' as opposed to just a load of flowers or just a cake.

Balloons are also one to watch- they wilt in the heat and need to be done the day of really.

You will need a team of people to help do things yourself if you plan this at all. What we found was that people were super keen until they realised they were needed on the morning of the wedding and at that point they said 'but when am I going to get ready!'.

Thanks everyone. There are some very good suggestions here.

We're not paying for the venue itself, but using their in-house caterers which is expensive. I chose a nice venue so that we don't have to spend money on decorations. I know we are still 'paying' because the catering is over priced, but at least I don't have to spend time and money on decorations.

We will put flowers on the tables but that's it, no other 'frills'.

I think we have ended up being pressured into inviting about 20-30 more people than we really needed to and that has brought the cost up. Another thing is we are spending a lot of money on music but I see that as entertainment for the guests so I do think it's important.

This is the wedding we want, with the whole family there and our children with us, but I am mindful that it will take another 2 years to replace those savings.

After reading about everyone's experience I think I will definitely pay for a make up artist and hairdresser!

I'd be slipping off to a registry office at lunch time! Seriously it's such a waste of money for one day that few will remember in the way you hope.

I have been to heaps of weddings in the last few years. Guests don't give a monkeys about the decorations, flowers, table settings, favours, colour scheme etc. Seriously, I could not tell you who had what now; not because I don't care about the couples, I do, but because that sort of stuff is of no interest to those outside the immediate wedding party. And, sorry to say it, most of it is very generic. If you've been to one country house hotel you've been to them all, by and large.
What matters is that people are fed and watered as well as possible. especially if they have spent hundreds being there, which I generally have to attend friends weddings. Focus your budget on hospitality, not on appearances.

Well I wouldn't do it, but it's not my wedding. As for the large family, you can still have lots of guests and do it on a budget.

Alconleigh. I've just read your post and totally agree. The only thing that guests care about is having a decent amount of food and something to drink. Anything else is just window dressing.

My daughter got married recently and the vast majority of the budget was spent on food and a free bar. I know not everyone agrees about the free bar, but I think the money was better spent on that than on a balloon arch or violin player. No one got drunk by the way.

Agree, the most important aspect for guests is the quality - and quantity - of food and drink. That's what will be remembered and talked about.
Everything else is same-old-same old - country houses, flowers, etc.

Balloon arch?! How ghastly can you get????

Come off it Three ! May be ghastly to you, but not to everybody.

disclaimer: no I didn't but that's not the point

Where we lived Germany, the guests paid for themselves - money put in the card handed to the groom as we entered the reception room. The amount of food and wine was limitless, then the most luxurious midnight buffet at 1am. Usually lasted from 7am - 4am with a live band. All drinks were free. The last wedding I attended was in 1995 and cost around £80 for a couple. Not tradition to give presents.