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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He hasn't text :'(

364 replies

OctopusPete8 · 01/08/2013 22:01

So...the OH is away on his Stag do, over the weekend. Just to give some quick background, I planned my Hen do first, I deiced due to cost, having children ..etc a weekend is an awfully long time so I'll just have a night ..alrighty then, all planned.
Few weeks ago, Oh I'm off to *** for a weekend, I was a bit miffed and I admitted I was jealous that he got to go away and I felt like I had to decline a weekend, its being paid for in his defence.

And then.....'Oh were going ***' Thats MY HEN DO! wasn't deliberate, but its for the convenience of a friend/personal circumstances.
He's gone today etc, etc on good terms was not deliberate if a bit thoughtless, till monday.
So yes, I am having 2 kids all weekend by myself and have to get to my childcare myself, with no car going down 3 flights of stairs.

And......its nearly 10pm no text, no "how are the kids" "how are you?"

Has updated fb twice though....Sad
I felt quite hurt and humilated ,
AIBU.

OP posts:
Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 07:18

everyone's diff, fair enough.

This level if out of sight out of mind, makes me uneasy now, he does usually txt me on a night out at least once.

He often comes home as he misses me, off his own volition not encouraged by me.

And no txt whatsoever Confused aswell as hurt.

OP posts:
PoppadomPreach · 02/08/2013 07:23

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect a text, especially if he is posting FB updates. I don't think that makes you high manintenance or a bunny boiler in the slightest. To me it's about respecting each other, not using to control someone.

I do think may raise questions about your relationship however which should probably be addressed before you marry him.

Sorry you're having a tough time, OP.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 07:23

I do bear a grudge If I am annoyed, yes

They are my children, that's kinda the point I am ALWAYS in mummy mode, I have a baby & toddler such a thing as a shower will be a military op, and its my hen do FFS, I am currently up have been before 7am after nm sleep.
He's probably sleeping off a hangover.
that's kinda the point, mum should not = live in nanny.

kinda' its hard cuz I will aniciate the convo and he's just like 'I'm not arguing' which gets nowhere, but I did several times this time point out exactly why I was annoyed.

OP posts:
margarethamilton · 02/08/2013 07:24

You sound very unhappy about more than this weekend.

This. There's more to sort out here than texting. He usually texts you on a night out. You've seen he's ok on FB. BUT you come across as unfulfilled, angry and resentful. Again, why marry into a life that makes you feel this way?

TobyLerone · 02/08/2013 07:28

The way that you talk about the children also made me wonder if you were their bio mother, or if you'd been dumped with his children that were not yours. You sound very unhappy about more than this weekend.

Yes, this. You may not realise you're doing it, but you really sound like you dislike having children at all.

Eyesunderarock · 02/08/2013 07:28

A 4 year old is not a toddler. Confused
On a normal week, after 4 years of being together, how do you usually divide up the childcare and the housework, and do you both work full-time?
If you're getting married and still haven't sorted these basics out yest, I'd think again. Why do you feel like a live-in nanny to your own children?

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 07:28

Maybe, I don't want to be that OH who ruins his time and makes a huge drama, plus it will paint me in a bad light to his mates, which I don't want.
I'm not sure what to say if he does finally get in touch.
This is never happening again fo'sho!! I feel like a mug.
maybe a conversation is due when we get back.

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 02/08/2013 07:29

What does 'mum' equal if not 'live-in nanny'?

Confused
ChasedByBees · 02/08/2013 07:30

I think you should plan a seperate weekend away since this one was hijacked. Do something that's effectively free or v low cost - go and stay round a friends house, have a sleepover with wine and pizza. Just have some time to yourself and let your OH spend a weekend at home with the kids.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 07:32

wut?

seriously? It should equal respect not I come and go as I please on your hen weekend, and leave you to struggle sleep deprived etc etc, this was my one fucking weekend.

I'm up well before 7am everday with youngest, as I will be tommorrow I'm gonna be fuckin' knackered on my hen do. Sad Angry

OP posts:
Eyesunderarock · 02/08/2013 07:32

I dunno Toby, I've always liked my children and enjoyed spending time with them, so I haven't really thought about it.

Cabrinha · 02/08/2013 07:33

I don't see the issue - why can't you still enjoy your hen do? You have a babysitter. Don't a lot of people do their hen/ stag the same weekend? Certainly where there are no kids.

Texting... I don't think it's a bit deal to have your kids alone. Tbh on another weekend I'd probably think he should text (though hardly a deal breaker!) but I think it's OK on a stag do. It's a celebration that's specifically without you, without women. Now I personally think all that is bollocks, but then I didn't bother with a hen. But - if you're buying into that hen / stag thing...

I'm more concerned that you just don't sound like you like him.

Worse... You said that you didn't speak to him for fear of vitriol. You are hiding your feelings, not talking to him effectively, and so angry that you're vitriolic. Your marriage will not succeed if you can't talk to him. You keep mentioning your urge to make passive aggressive digs. DON'T. It helps no-one, least of all you.

I'm also concerned about your family attitude to money. If his weekend was paid for (all of it?) that means that as a family you saved money - so more can go towards your hen do. If he doesn't agree as a family to spending more on yours - even if you have to delay it to save - then don't marry him. That kind of attitude will kill the love in any marriage.

Right now, the best reason I can see for you to get married is that it may give you more protection as a SAHM because if you don't sort out your festering resentment, what he does that triggers it, your ability to communicate your feelings and your family attitude to money, frankly - you'll be divorcing one day.

Seriously - not getting a text is not the issue here.
Good luck sorting it out: start by being open and honest about your feelings.

patienceisvirtuous · 02/08/2013 07:34

I think yabu.

Does he have to check in each day? Maybe he will text today, afterall he usually does. It was the first day of his stag yesterday, they probably got v drunk

Updating Facebook is different to texting because you're not under obligation to reply again and again if the person you send a text to asks questions etc

You sound hard work to me, unless he has form for being an inconsiderate twat.

Eyesunderarock · 02/08/2013 07:34

You may find that words are a better way of communicating than sulking silently or relying on telepathy though, OP. If something is annoying you, then you might need to explain what and why and how it should be fixed.
Really? This is a short time before the fuss and expense of a wedding?
Why are you getting married?

TobyLerone · 02/08/2013 07:35

Because obviously a hen night is much more important than anything else...

Good grief.

I'm sorry you're so angry and resentful all the time. It must be miserable. But it's not going to get any better all the time your (and your partner's) priorities are so skewed.

Lazyjaney · 02/08/2013 07:35

Awaiting the inevitable "he went to a strip club" bit now.....

Sounds to me like there are a lot ofvpentbup issues, this stag do is the tip of an iceberg.

kungfupannda · 02/08/2013 07:36

I think you are focusing on the text thing, when you're actually fuming because he limited you to a single night when he got a whole weekend. Although it sounds like that was his friends' doing and it's not costing anything. If you'd been paid for, presumably it wouldn't have been an issue.

Having said that, he could certainly have been a bit more sensitive about the fact that you were almost certainly going to be feeling a bit put out about the disparity between your two events.

All the stuff about "being a mummy" all the time is another issue. He hasn't left you at a particularly difficult time - he knows you have childcare sorted and that you can usually manage the two children - it's just that he's gone away when you can't.

If you don't feel that you get enough support/time to yourself, you need to address it with him, calmly and properly. This particular weekend might be the last straw, but it's not a regular occurrence, so I think you need to stop focusing on the not texting/I'm stuck at home with his kids/life as a mum of two is hard concerns while dealing with this weekend. Once he's back, have a proper chat about getting equal "time off" so that you don't finish up resenting him.

I think if you make it all about this weekend, you're not going to come across well and he's going to finish up dismissing your concerns on the basis that you're just annoyed about your own hen night. Strip out all the stuff you're winding yourself up about and stick to the point when you talk to him.

margarethamilton · 02/08/2013 07:43

You are getting a lot of very good advice here OP. I hope you are reading it and thinking about what people are saying.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 07:45

well my ds2 doesn't sleep well, screams all day due to reflux and I have a nearly 4 year old who had other issuse atm which leads to me cleaning up a lot of mess all day aswell and lots of sick etc, etc for 3 days all alone. I mentioned earlier getting in and out of where I live in v, hard . So it depends what difficult means to people.

because its so near the day, all weekends will have to be used for planning so I've well and truly fucked over on that one unintentionally,

Trust mumsnet to turn I feel like I have been treat inconsiderately to I don't like my kids,

OP posts:
dirtyface · 02/08/2013 07:46

OP yanbu

he is inconsiderate for not texting you, if he can update fb he can send a quick text to you

i think you have been given an unfairly hard time on here.

Betternc4this · 02/08/2013 07:47

I used to work in the catering industry around many stag and hen do s.

Amazing how many of the stags seemed to have conveniently had a bust up with DW to be just before leaving home Hmm.

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/08/2013 07:48

Reading this thread, I agree with others that the main thing is that you feel 'its not fair'. And I know it must feel that its not but he's just lucky that his friends are paying to take him away for a weekend.

I wouldn't personally have expected to hear from him much if at all on his stag but you could just text him - have you or were you waiting for him?

Just have a quiet day tomorrow and enjoy your hen night.

Cabrinha · 02/08/2013 07:50

So have a weekend with your friends after the wedding. Hen and stag dos are all a bit meaningless aren't they? It's hardly a send off into a new life when you already live together with 2 kids!

Have a relaxing night with friends tomorrow, but a proper weekend away later on.

And sort out the other issues that you have.

ExcuseTypos · 02/08/2013 07:53

OP YANBU.

You haven't heard form him since 8 am yesterday. He's an inconsiderate twit. He's also hijacked your weekend. You should have been having a night out then a lazy day with him seeing to the dc. But as others have said, it's a bit late now to moan about his weekend I afraid.

I would speak to him when he's back about the fact he doesn't do. much with the dc and you get lumbered with everything. Sort it out before you get married.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 08:00

What other Issues? Cabrinha thats quite rude and assumptive, I;m not allowed to be annoyed about this am I?

I think a talk is neccescary
, I think if I text him I would become more upset there will be some feeble excuse as to why bla, bla etc or just no reply.

Better , thanks I feel even worse now.

OP posts: