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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He hasn't text :'(

364 replies

OctopusPete8 · 01/08/2013 22:01

So...the OH is away on his Stag do, over the weekend. Just to give some quick background, I planned my Hen do first, I deiced due to cost, having children ..etc a weekend is an awfully long time so I'll just have a night ..alrighty then, all planned.
Few weeks ago, Oh I'm off to *** for a weekend, I was a bit miffed and I admitted I was jealous that he got to go away and I felt like I had to decline a weekend, its being paid for in his defence.

And then.....'Oh were going ***' Thats MY HEN DO! wasn't deliberate, but its for the convenience of a friend/personal circumstances.
He's gone today etc, etc on good terms was not deliberate if a bit thoughtless, till monday.
So yes, I am having 2 kids all weekend by myself and have to get to my childcare myself, with no car going down 3 flights of stairs.

And......its nearly 10pm no text, no "how are the kids" "how are you?"

Has updated fb twice though....Sad
I felt quite hurt and humilated ,
AIBU.

OP posts:
diddl · 02/08/2013 08:02

It's not the texting, is it?

It's the fact that OP can't organise one night out & he stays with the kids.

He organises a weekend for the same time, & OP has to organise childcare-that he should be doing.

So his weekend is being paid for-everything, drinks, meals, all of it?

TBH, my husband still wouldn't have gone as he wouldn't have wanted a stag weekend away from us.

He sounds selfish & thoughtless.

Does he think that what he wants is always the most important thing & everyone else has to organise themselves around him?

RhondaJean · 02/08/2013 08:02

Am I the only person reading potential control issues here?

He said she couldn't afford a weekend away but miraculously his is paid for and on look it just has to be the same weekend you get your wee night out.

Op do you have equal access to money? Your posts sound as though you thought you could have a weekend away and he was the one who said you can't afford it. Don't you know how much money there is?

And yes he's a dick. He was at work all day before leaving straight for the big weekend away and he didn't even text from work to say he was off and hopes you are all okay?

Sorry but he is a parent, stag do or not you don't get to turn that off for four days, I'd expect a check on the kids too.

Justforlaughs · 02/08/2013 08:03

I'm with the OP on this one, except that there is no way in hell his stag would have got to trump my hen night if I had organised it first! If my DP had gone away for the weekend, then I would expect him to at least say goodnight to the kids, and it wouldn't occur to him not to, tbh. If you were quite open about your feelings on this one, and he knew when your hen night was, then I would be seriously rethinking this relationship. Always being the one who is left at home with the children, assuming that they are YOUR priority but NOT his, is a big nono for me. Sad I really hope that you have a a good time on your night out - and I would, at teh very least be arranging a spa weekend with a few friends either before the wedding (preferably) or afterwards, if you don't have time before. In fact, text him with the details now and see whether that is important enough for him to get in touch Wink (If not, make it a trip to Vegas or something ! Grin

Have a Wine and some Thanks from me!

pumpkinsweetie · 02/08/2013 08:04

I feel as though op is getting too much stick when quite simply when is it acceptable for a partner to not be in contact for this long when he has time to update his facebook account??

So it's ok for ops dp to update his facebook twice in a day but not have the decency to find out how his gf is at home aswell as find out how his children are?

Just because someone is struggling at home with no contact doesn't mean they don't like their children.

MrsCampbellBlack · 02/08/2013 08:05

Yes, don't text him then. He's there now so just let him enjoy it and concentrate on having fun yourself.

And if there's a next time, make sure you both agree with him going away beforehand.

I also wondered did he choose the date or was it his friends - perhaps more difficult for him to be forceful about dates if he's being treated to the weekend as well.

pumpkinsweetie · 02/08/2013 08:07

And why on earth couldn't he have had the children on your hen night and yet you have them when he goes? So he gets out of looking after his own children?

He sounds selfish and self indulgent tbh and i wonder if there is more to this than meets the eye?
Does he allow you any money and who really stopped you going on your hen night, you or him?

margarethamilton · 02/08/2013 08:08

OP, Cabrinha isn't being rude. Please read her earlier post where she offered very good advice and real perspective.

Do you not think there are other issues here apart from a text? You seem very wound up. I don't think you're seeing the useful advice being offered here. Posters aren't here to have a go.

Dillydollydaydream · 02/08/2013 08:08

I wouldn't be impressed if I was told I couldn't have a weekend hen do when dp has weekend stag do himself- paid for him or not.
I don't think yabu op.

fluffyraggies · 02/08/2013 08:08

I think you had a rough time on here last night OP, but really i think you would have been better posting this in 'Relationships'. The responses there are generally less goading and more constructive. I seem to be thinking that allot lately! Hate seeing folk already upset being wound up even more on here.

Anyway - i really think there is a deeper issue going on here. I don't feel any warmth coming from you about your DP or your life with him. On the eve of your marriage to a bloke really you should be feeling such love and commitment towards him.

To all the posters saying it's a stag do you're the last thing on his mind - how sad. My DH is never the last thing on my mind. In fact when i'm out without him after a few drinks he's very much on my mind and i'll text him some daft text and look forward to coming home. He's the same. I got 2 calls and a text from him on his stag do, all while I was trying to be fast asleep in bed. And that was only one night out!

I'm not trying to make you feel worse telling you this. I just really think YANBU OP.
When is the wedding?

Sallystyle · 02/08/2013 08:10

OP I am with you. I would be really hurt if my dh didn't text me if he was away for a few days.

Updating fb but not bothering to send you a little text? to me that is hurtful. I am not a control freak or a bunny boiler but imo that is just basic manners and kindness. If I was ever lucky enough to go away for a few days I would check in with him.

You are getting a really hard time here and I don't understand why. There is nothing wrong with expecting a text from your partner while they are updating FB. It takes seconds to send a text.

He's being a dick.

Wuxiapian · 02/08/2013 08:11

I think YABU.

He's on a stag do with his friends - let him enjoy himself! Why do you need constant updates?

You're a mum - plan yourself a weekend away sometime in the near future and leave him to babysit - you deserve it!

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 02/08/2013 08:13

I get it OP. Some people find looking after a baby and a toddler, others (like me) find it really hard and look forward to the weekend when you get a bit of a break and someone around to share the responsibility.

You liked the idea of a weekend away to have a break but family finances were such that you couldn't . That was ok though as he would be around so you could still go out and have a good time without having I be up early in the morning.

But then someone offered to pay for a weekend for him and it was the same time as your Hen night. So now you're more tired before your Hen night before you've even started and it's taken the edge off it. You feel resentful that he has got to go off and do exactly what he wants with no child care commitments whereas you are tired and left holding the fort on what was to be the one weekend you got a bit of a break for the weekend.

To compound it he hasn't text to say how are the children when his normal behaviour is to text you in a night out. Whether or not he should text you this is a departure from his usual behaviour and feels all the more hurtful because you're tired and feel his lack of consideration going away when your Hen night was first, does feel hurtful.

I don't think you are being unreasonable and understand where you are coming from. I think the suggestion of going out another weekend and staying at a friends if possible is a good one because yes, you do need a break too. Hang in there , these years can be tough for some of us but things get so much easier - DD's teenage years have been lovely in comparison to her early years (touches wood, crosses fingers that it doesn't all go horribly wrong!)

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 08:15

I feel very tearful, I can't shake this mood.

I can't believe he hasn't fuckin txt once.

I am angry I have been made to feel like this,
I am upset I am so forgettable in the prescence of weed and god knows what else,
I am angry that this weekend is going to be one long PITA that should have been MY weekend!
I am angry that I have been reduced to a fuckin' silly teen constantly glancing at my phone hoping he's remembered his family,
And I am angry that me mentioning this would make me look bad.

I would never go that long without checking in on my kids,never. If that makes me a bunny boiler so be it,

my dad worked away in the days before mobs, for weeks at a time, always rang us.

So I do love my children, which is why this annoys me so much.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 02/08/2013 08:16

((hugs)) OP. I don't care if it's unmumsnetty!

When is your night out? Tonight?

formicadinosaur · 02/08/2013 08:16

I think you need to organise a little additional small thing in a few weeks time. Spa day or something a bride needs to relax!

Sallystyle · 02/08/2013 08:17

I am with you Fluffy. When I go out dh is still on my mind. After 7 years I still miss him if I am out, not awfully so but enough that I will think of him. Being away for the weekend? I would want to call him because I would miss him and I would want to check on the children too.

Some people might be happy to have partners who go away for the weekend and have no contact with them, to me that seems cold and not something I want in my relationship.

If mine was to go away for the weekend and didn't even bother to send me a text it would speak volumes to me about my lack of importance.

formicadinosaur · 02/08/2013 08:17

Don't send sulky face. Text how is it?

Sallystyle · 02/08/2013 08:18

Wux, did she ask for constant updates? he hasn't even texted her once!

Dillydollydaydream · 02/08/2013 08:19

I think if there were no dc then I wouldn't expect dp to text.

However, if I went away for a weekend -hen do or not I'd text whoever was looking after my dc to see how they were.
Men obviously don't think like that though.

ChasedByBees · 02/08/2013 08:20

Lovely post Wynken.

I think if OP had posted about having to sort the childcare and not being able to have a weekend away she would have got lots of sympathy but people are getting hung up on the texting (which is thoughtless - he should text you). Often these things are the last straw though.

livinginwonderland · 02/08/2013 08:20

The issue here isn't the texting, it's the fact that his stag was arranged for the same weekend as your Hen do, and that he got a free weekend away whereas you were limited to one night.

The texting thing is just a cover, in my opinion. Lots of stag weekends have "rules" about contacting the wife-to-be. The point of a stag weekend is a lads night, alcohol and no partners. I would see him updating Facebook as a way to say "I'm okay, I'm safe" without him breaking any "rules" that might exist about him contacting you.

I'd be pissed off about the weekend too, but it's happened now, make the best of it. You have a babysitter organised, and to be honest, you should be able to cope with your children alone for a weekend. Go out and enjoy yourself and don't get too upset about your DP not getting in touch. He is abroad, after all. Texting from Europe isn't cheap.

ChasedByBees · 02/08/2013 08:22

Sorry OP I didn't mean to post like you're not there but I know how you feel and it is unfair.

whoneedssleepanyway · 02/08/2013 08:25

Christ, give the OP a break.

Her DH organised his stag do to clash with her hen do, has gone away for 3 days knowing she decided no to do a weekend to save the cash/ be there for the kids, and left her to sort out the babysitter so she could still go on her hen do.

I think she is entitled to have a little whinge that her DH has the time to update FB but not send her a quick text asking after the kids...

I personally wouldn't expect contact during a stag but I can see why the OP is feeling a little unappreciated.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 08:26

Wynken, thankyou you have just completely hit the nail on the head,
You articulated it better than I could have done.

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 02/08/2013 08:31

Honestly I think you've worked yourself up to a total pitch fit now.

God help him if he does text as I can only imagine the torrent it'll unleash.

What network are you on so we'll know later if ours goes into melt down.

But most of all for Gods sake, calm down. Unless you want your party I'm sorry I just can't say "hen do" to be a pity party, pull yourself together and get on with it.