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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

He hasn't text :'(

364 replies

OctopusPete8 · 01/08/2013 22:01

So...the OH is away on his Stag do, over the weekend. Just to give some quick background, I planned my Hen do first, I deiced due to cost, having children ..etc a weekend is an awfully long time so I'll just have a night ..alrighty then, all planned.
Few weeks ago, Oh I'm off to *** for a weekend, I was a bit miffed and I admitted I was jealous that he got to go away and I felt like I had to decline a weekend, its being paid for in his defence.

And then.....'Oh were going ***' Thats MY HEN DO! wasn't deliberate, but its for the convenience of a friend/personal circumstances.
He's gone today etc, etc on good terms was not deliberate if a bit thoughtless, till monday.
So yes, I am having 2 kids all weekend by myself and have to get to my childcare myself, with no car going down 3 flights of stairs.

And......its nearly 10pm no text, no "how are the kids" "how are you?"

Has updated fb twice though....Sad
I felt quite hurt and humilated ,
AIBU.

OP posts:
Fallout1977 · 02/08/2013 16:02

They obviously have issues but fuck it! He's away and she has a fab hen night planned so I just don't get why she doesn't just draw a line underneath and get all dolled up and have a blast! If you can't beat them join them ;) whaa heyyy!!!

LouiseAderyn · 02/08/2013 16:05

I think being a sahm means you do the childcare while your dh works, not that you get to do it 24/7 while he goes awol for an extended piss up. I got the impression she had childcare for her actual evening out, but nothing for the following morning so will have to get up early and maybe have a quieter night than she wanted because next day she will be responsible for the dc.

I agree this is the least of their problems- I think it's disrespectful for him to have gone, given her event was planned first and not getting in touch at all and booking further piss ups without consultation is treating her like a nanny.

Secretswitch · 02/08/2013 16:07

Ahhhh, LouiseAderyn, you have said everything I wanted to in a much more eloquent way..

larrygrylls · 02/08/2013 16:13

I think that any parent who has that little interest in their own children cannot be a very good parent. At least a call or text once a day, no? Even if you are really enjoying pretending to be single you have to think that your children might be missing you and would enjoy a catch up (or, if they are tiny, merely the sound of your voice).

And, it is definitely wrong to arrange it the same weekend as the OP's hen. She clearly cannot really let herself go when she will primary childcare responsibility as soon as her babysitter leaves. If she arranged first, her arrangement takes priority.

I think maybe a rain check on the wedding would be a good idea.

Wuxiapian · 02/08/2013 16:27

FGS, the guy's gone on a stag weekend - not deserted her. Can he not enjoy himself without having to report to OP?!

What are you so insecure about, OP?!

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 16:36

I got a phone call,

he was saying how is everything etc, etc I didn't erupt like a volcano of emotion, I would have felt daft doing so
although 'just got off the boat' means he got here at 9am Hmm
I think he was just enjoying himself, however I did say when he messaged that I was pissed and thought he was blanking me. And also that his eldest was asking for him etc, and that's fine but if you don't contact AT ALL, that's not on.
Also the serious point of what happens when I take DC's to my mums tommorrow night, overnight, if one, either have a huge seperation anxiety meltdown, my mum will have hell to put up with and it's my hen do that will be ruined.
The status wasn't that bad, I was venting. people put worse things on there.

OP posts:
fabergeegg · 02/08/2013 16:37

I don't think I would want to marry this person. Is he always going to be like this? Assuming you will do all the childcare at his whim? Making arrangements without troubling to consider the implications for the family? Letting his hair down without care for the family when really, you're doing him a good turn by shouldering shared responsibilities?

I wouldn't want to marry someone as selfish as this unless it was very out of character or there was a big misunderstanding somehow.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 16:43

some of the people here are either incapable or are being deliberately obtuse, about the point I'm making.
between being called a bunny boiler, that I obvs dislike my children, that I'm a control freak,That being a SAHM should mean I never qun my partner as it is my job to be treat inconsiderately and never put first, That I don't want to work? etc amongst other things, I have been fairly restrained.
It is clear some people here enjoy goading people who are clearly distressed, I am calmer now but I wasn't last night, but that says more about you than it does me.

I will leave the thread there, thankyou for all the helpful posts.

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 02/08/2013 17:25

I think maybe you are being deliberately obtuse about some of the feedback you are getting.

I can see why you are fed up but whats the point of saying ok to his weekend away and then resenting it so much ?

I am also seeing anger coming through your posts about your children , it is tough having young children but why is it going to ruin your hen do ?

Overall you seem determined to make the worst of it

fabergeegg · 02/08/2013 17:42

Maybe you're right, comingintomytown, but from your argumentative manner and determination to have the last word despite the OP's attempt to wind things down, I'd say you're the one determined to make the worst of things.

AnyFucker · 02/08/2013 17:53

OP, have a good time this evening.

When this weekend is over, I would read your thread again and have a think about some of the points raised about your relationship that, at the moment, you seem intent on ignoring.

TobyLerone · 02/08/2013 18:04
GoshAnneGorilla · 02/08/2013 18:07

I've come away from this thread thinking that henzilla now appears to be a thing.

Original poster
OctopusPete8 · 02/08/2013 18:08

I'm not trying to ignore the posts about rethinking the relationship, or rethinking the dynamics at least, I agree a word is needed, about how I am treat with due to consideration, but also how assertive I need to be and not expect my DP to be a mind reader, lots of things ..if thats what you are referring to, there was a lot of shit to sift through and wasn't in a good place.

OP posts:
GoshAnneGorilla · 02/08/2013 18:10

AF - OP has been asked if there is anything else going on, any other occasions when her DP has been unreasonable and the only response we've had is "MY HEN DO!" We can only go on what the OP tells us.

AnyFucker · 02/08/2013 18:15

OP, let the dust settle for a couple of days and then start a thread in Relationships

this one was always going to go to shit, I am afraid

phantomnamechanger · 02/08/2013 18:42

This is about OP being taken for granted and STBDH thinking what he wants automatically trumps her needs and wants as she is the main care giver.
This does not feel like OP is an equal partner and his No.1 priority. She has to do all the compromising so he gets his own way. He has sneakily not even told her yet about the "extra" stag night for those who could not make the W/end away - so he does know HIBU, but will leave it to spring on her too late for her to object, so she will have to put up with it again to keep the peace. He will duck out of his responsibilities to co-parent, so OP will be left picking up the pieces and getting on with it - feeling, justifiably, resentful. It will then be her fault in his eyes when there are any rows/upset about this - he does not sound the type for a proper grown up chat about responsibilities and respecting your partner.
He sounds like a spoilt selfish toddler TBH, and I really think you ought to consider whether you have a future with this man.

TarkaTheOtter · 02/08/2013 19:03

The fact it is a hen do is not the point. She planned a big night out. She wanted dp around the next day so she wouldn't have to look after the children with a hangover. Knowing this dp arranges a weekend away. It doesn't matter if you don't think hen dos are important, swap it in your head for another sort of celebration. It's about having an equal right to some weekend time off.

SingingSilver · 02/08/2013 19:11

This is primarily a forum of Mums, I'm surprised so few of you are empathising with the fact that she seems overwhelmed at the moment and in need of kind words. Most kids go through a clingy phase, and when you have others to look after it can be very suffocating.

Plus her OH doesn't sound like a great partner either.

This one is definitely a Nest Of Vipers thread. here have been loads lately. Roll on soggy Autumn, because British women do not cope with the heat well Brew

scottishmummy · 02/08/2013 22:20

Let me spell it out forum of mums Doesn't=aww Hun all the muthas we concur
You see the thing is us women,we have opinions don't need to agree with women just because
Mn is discussion Forum.expect discussion,that's the point

Nanny0gg · 02/08/2013 22:29

scottishmummy

There's discussion, there's disagreement, and there's outright aggression and spitefulness.

And the OP's certainly had the latter two in spades on this thread.

Not necessary.

Viviennemary · 02/08/2013 22:31

I agree we all have different opinions. Especially as to what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. I posted at the beginning that I didn't think it was a big deal that he didn't get in touch during his stag weekend. But if the bigger picture shows that he is generally selfish and doesn't care enough about his DC's then that's different and a huge cause for concern.

PoppadomPreach · 02/08/2013 22:42

completely concur SingingSilver. MN at its hypocritical worst!

difficultpickle · 02/08/2013 22:52

If I had a partner who went away on his stag weekend and we had children together I would expect him to call daily. Going on a stag weekend when you are a father is different to going on a stag weekend as a single man and childless man about to get married. In the latter case I wouldn't expect to her from him for the entire weekend.

Having children is a permanent change, not something you can pick up and drop when it suits you. Unless you are pretty self centred and immature (which unfortunately sums up ds's absent father).

difficultpickle · 02/08/2013 22:52

hear not her.