Am I being an unreasonable bridezilla or is DM just up to her old tricks?

[Famzilla]

Am a regular but have NC incase IABU, don't wanna ruin my street cred and all that

DP are getting married next year. We're doing it on the cheap as we don't have much money and don't wanna get into debt. When discussing venues my parents suggested the country pub they play darts in, as it has a nice garden, restaurant and has had weddings there before. It is close to where I was raised so I already know the majority of people who work there. Perfect, I thought.

Told DM I would give the landlady a call. Don't worry she said, I'll talk to her. DM told me that the landlady was very excited at the prospect and to pop in today and see her. DP and I arrange to go in and DM informs me that her and DF will come too. I told them not to worry but they insisted, saying I'd get a better deal if they were there. I said fine, providing they didn't start saying "no, you don't wanna do that, what you wanna do is...".

The reason I said that is DM has form for being VERY controlling, and aggressive when I don't do as I'm told. A few examples are kicking me out of the house when I was 16. Disowning me when I refused to drop out of university after losing my job (DP was supporting me, but supposedly it was 'shameful' and 'dirty' to rely on a man...She hasn't had a job in 10 years). Saying that I was nasty and thought I was better than her because I refused to wean DD onto purees at 3mo. Telling me "you think you're really pretty, but you're not" when I booked holiday off my minimum wage job at 18 to do some modelling.

Anyways, I digress. When we get there it seems like noone is expecting us. The chef comes out utterly oblivious to what we want or what we're doing so I ask to speak to the landlady. As expected, DM and DF start going "what we want is...". I sit there silently until they have finished before saying "No, what we want is...And it's our wedding so". The landlady is very enthusiastic and happy with our plans. We don't want anything special, just a band and a big piss up really.

After the meeting, landlady and chef go away (appearing) happy. DM then starts with "you don't want your wedding at that time, you want it at this time because...", "you don't want your band inside, you'll disturb people trying to have a relaxing drink (in a different room!) it's give and take you know, you're being very selfish and they'r doing you a favour". Tried to explain to DM that they are a business, we are paying them a fair chunk of money for food and drinks and they'll be making a fortune on the bar. The landlady was practically rubbing her hands with glee when I told her how many guests we were having and accepting all their prices. I apologized for getting frustrated at the beginning and the landlady apologized to me for not knowing that this meeting was taking place.

But nope, I am "selfish and an embarrassment. Think you're better than everyone else and everyone should just bow down to you." She stormed off shouting that she couldn't stand me for another second. I went home and cried. I'm supposed to be excited about my wedding and she has shit all over that.

She has just text me saying I'm bloody horrible and that I never used to be like that, what has changed me?

I dunno. Am I being a bridezilla? Should I be a bit more laid back and let others have their way on bits of my wedding?

Sorry for the essay?

dementia care . That sounded odd.

I know what you mean Jamie, I tend to rationalise a lot of strange behaviour as 'they may be suffering from...' as opposed to thinking that some people are just mean.

She has stopped now. DP is going to call the landlady later and discuss with her. I know it's wrong but I just can't shake the feeling that she'll think I'm a stroppy brat.

DM just wants to know when she can see DD, as I can't take her away from them apparently DP doesn't want DD anywhere near them. It's a tricky position for me to be in now. She will never apologise.

Is 4.15 too early to start on the wine? I wish someone else in this bloody family lactated!

I think that in this instance you have to respect your DPs wishes regarding your DD. He has a far clearer idea of what is acceptable than you do, because of the brainwashing you had had over the years.

I don't know if its already been posted yet, but if not, I implore all the MNers who have posted here about their toxic mothers to google "daughters of narcissistic mothers". (Can't linky, sorry!)

It's a fantastic self-help website and its such relief to realise that how your mum behaves ha been studied and you are not alone.

What Bogeyface said about your DH's wishes having priority over your mother's demands.

She is being a bad grandmother, undermining you in this way. She won't stop unless you enforce boundaries.

I have had to do this with my own mother. She behaves well nowadays until she thinks I am vulnerable, then her mask slips.

She only treats me with respect because she knows I will cut contact if she doesn't

Bogey is right. DP seems like the rock to lean on in all this.

Stop replying/answering phone or door etc....

In a few days/weeks once it's all gone quiet or a reasonable time consider IF you want to make an approach. And if you do, go through DF and say you will only engage with polite, non-confrontational communication. If she can't do that you and especially DD are better off without her.

Cancel the wedding venue and find somewhere else- dont tell her where.

You are absolutely in the right. Seeing as your family are having a go anyway, I would be tempted to cancel the whole idea of the party and do the two witness/reg office as you've planned. But go to Gretna or something, make sure they won't find you. Unless you live there of course! Fuck em.

I would really like to keep DD away from her. I would just feel incredibly guilty about it. But I guess that's how she wants me to feel.

Just read the 'daughters of narcissistic mothers', very interesting!

I agree that you should really defer to your DP in this instance. However how old is your DD (sorry if I've missed that). If she's old enough to really have an opinion ask her, if she's still young enough to be vulnerable get her the fuck away. I'm sure your mum wont hesitate to use that behaviour on her and you need to break that cycle. If its gotten to the point your DP is worried enough to say that then you need to see this is far more than just you 'having a strop'.

Agree, your DM needs to learn that stamping her feet and demanding her own way doesn't work anymore, and in order for her to learn that, it has to stop working. You are giving in to her. You are the one in control here not her. you decide where and how you get married, and who gets invited. you decide who does and does not get to see your DD and if you think they aren't a positive influence, are perfectly entitled to cut them out, regardless of what they want.

Your mum has done a good job convincing you she has a right to demand things and you must give in. But you need to realise you arent a child anymore, it's not her decision anymore. You are now the mum. If your mum can't prove she's a positive influence on your DD (which means proving to you she can behave in a civilised manner to you and your DP as well as to your DD) then she doesn't get to see your DD, no matter how much she wants to.

You know what, you can just take DD away from them, it's a lie you can't. That's not to say you should, but you need to believe that you can. That will help.

(It also doesn't matter if the landlady does think you're a stroppy brat, you're the customer, she can think what she likes as long as she does what you are paying for)

Think on this.

She treats you like shit, emotionally blackmails you, screams and shouts, calls you down to her whole family. She has left you thinking that you are stroppy brat and guilty for protecting your own dd from the poison this woman injects into your lives.

And yet......if that were true, would your DP want to marry you? Would he be there for you? Would he be supporting you in every way? Would he be willing to have this woman potentially in his life forever just so he can be with you?

The reason he wants to marry you, loves and supports you is because you ARE NOT the person your mother has made you believe that you are. The guilt you are feeling isnt the feelings of someone truly guilty of hurting someone else, it is a false emotion created by a manipulator hell bent on getting their own way.

Everything you feel for your DP and you DD is true and good and precious. Hold on to that and you will see that the "love" your mother talks about is false and hurtful and doesnt exist.

Great post Bogeyface.

bogey yy bang on!

Thanks bogey, you speak a lot of sense!

I know what she's doing is wrong. I can see us going through the no contact route, I have tried it before but she always worms her way back in a few months later. However, now I have my own family I'm not so frightened of losing her and I think she knows this. Actually, I'm sure she does because DB said that I never stood up for myself until DD was born and therefore I must be using her as leverage.

She text me again, and I must have written out and deleted "bitch, are you on glue??" at least twice, whilst chuckling to myself. DP thinks I have finally lost the plot.

It's all about control with your mother, Famzilla. She hasn't ever properly detached from you and accepted that you are a grown adult with the right to live your own life as you wish. It's had an effect on you because you can't see yourself as a grown adult either hence your comment about the woman at the pub thinking you're a stroppy kid.

Controlling parents just can't accept that their child is an independent adult so big life events like weddings, births, etc underline that. They throw tantrums, use guilt and manipulation and screaming and threats to try and force you to do what they want but the key is that they have to accept your adulthood some time so engaging with their nonsense only makes it worse.

The best solution is just radio silence. Don't engage with your mother. Ignore the issue of contact with your DD - she's using that to manipulate you. Just tell her 'I can see you're very upset right now. I think it's best if I let you cool off for the next couple of weeks until you are thinking more clearly. We will speak to you another time.' She is not being rational (is she ever?) so just cut the ties for a while until she is willing to behave herself.

I had to do this with my parents after my son was born because they just lost their shit completely when they came to visit me afterwards. I have no idea what was going on but me becoming a mother seemed to trigger a short circuit in their brains. It was a combination of first grandchild, poor health and general toxic insanity on their behalf I think but it was not pretty and I had to cut contact for a while. We are back in touch now and I try to keep things light and superficial to avoid any more histrionics.

Would you treat your DD the same? Would you let her treat your DD the same as she treats you?

Guess the answer to both is No.

She can't play if you don't join in. Don't play her game.

Turn your phone off.

DB said that I never stood up for myself until DD was born and therefore I must be using her as leverage.

You DB is right in that you weren't like that before your DD was born, but he wrong in that you are using her a leverage.

When you had your DD you realised what true love for a child is. It is unconditional, it is wanting the best for them no matter what it costs you, it is hurting yourself willingly if it means not hurting them.

Your mother never learnt that, but you have. You are a lioness protecting your little girl and if only for her, you should stand your ground, keep the hyenas away.

Thanks for all your messages. You're very right about the overwhelming need to protect DD. And the realisation that I would never say or do such spiteful things to her, therefore it cannot be 'normal'.

She hasn't been in touch recently. DP bumped into her whilst shopping today, an apparently she was being quite condescending by say

Oops!

By saying "what is up with your fiancé? All I did was make one tiny suggestion and she flipped out". Totally forgetting the fact that she was the one spitting venom before flouncing out whilst I sat there bewildered. DP was there so it's not like it's her word against mine!

He apparently just looked at her dumbfounded, shook his head and walked away.

She's clearly on glue.

We also called the venue, the landlady was very reassuring and said she wouldn't be making plans with anyone but us, before I even had chance to bring it up! Perhaps she could see what was going on..

Well done for calling the venue! I'm sure that was the right thing to do!

I'd be tempted to go along with mums new track. Oh yes sorry wedding stress must have got to me..... And then do exactly what you want. Avoid showing her a reaction of any kind. Smile, nod, do as you want. It might be the easiest way to stop her ruining things.

She clearly isn't going to apologise/start acting normally so you need to find a way of either successfully managing her or excluding her from the day.

Great post Bogey

Your DP sounds wonderful - your marrying a goodun there

Your mum is now playing the part of a guilty woman scorned brilliantly - I'm afraid I think she'll get worse before she gets better but just keep ignoring. Talk to us and your DP - we've got your back.

Famzilla parents like this will often re-write history, even history that is only minutes old, to suit themselves.

I swear that if my MIL makes it to Jeremy Kyle she will pass his lie detector test without a problem because in her head she is telling the truth about everything.

She absolutely cannot accept that she's done and said any of the things she's actually said and done, so she reinvents it as it happens to blame anybody else that she can, anybody but herself.

I think your mother is doing the same. Don't fall for it or doubt yourself. You know what happened. She can lie and pretend as much as she likes but you know the truth.

I'm glad the landlady of the venue was supportive. I suspect this isn't the first time she's seen this sort of thing if she's been in the wedding business for more than five minutes.

Ah I'm sorry you have the same family situation Sarah, it really makes you think 'wtf' sometimes!

I sent DF a video of DD playing with some toys today, whilst I knew he would be at work. I always (used to) send DF photos and videos of her daily so it really wasn't to get at anyone or anything.

He just replied "you ought to call your mum!!!!".

This is how it'll be now, I won't be allowed to talk to him unless I'm on good terms with her. It makes me feel sick that she has this much power over everyone.

If my mum was even half as unsupportive, let alone rude, i'd disown her.

You are a more forgiving and patient person than me