Am I being an unreasonable bridezilla or is DM just up to her old tricks?

[Famzilla]

Am a regular but have NC incase IABU, don't wanna ruin my street cred and all that

DP are getting married next year. We're doing it on the cheap as we don't have much money and don't wanna get into debt. When discussing venues my parents suggested the country pub they play darts in, as it has a nice garden, restaurant and has had weddings there before. It is close to where I was raised so I already know the majority of people who work there. Perfect, I thought.

Told DM I would give the landlady a call. Don't worry she said, I'll talk to her. DM told me that the landlady was very excited at the prospect and to pop in today and see her. DP and I arrange to go in and DM informs me that her and DF will come too. I told them not to worry but they insisted, saying I'd get a better deal if they were there. I said fine, providing they didn't start saying "no, you don't wanna do that, what you wanna do is...".

The reason I said that is DM has form for being VERY controlling, and aggressive when I don't do as I'm told. A few examples are kicking me out of the house when I was 16. Disowning me when I refused to drop out of university after losing my job (DP was supporting me, but supposedly it was 'shameful' and 'dirty' to rely on a man...She hasn't had a job in 10 years). Saying that I was nasty and thought I was better than her because I refused to wean DD onto purees at 3mo. Telling me "you think you're really pretty, but you're not" when I booked holiday off my minimum wage job at 18 to do some modelling.

Anyways, I digress. When we get there it seems like noone is expecting us. The chef comes out utterly oblivious to what we want or what we're doing so I ask to speak to the landlady. As expected, DM and DF start going "what we want is...". I sit there silently until they have finished before saying "No, what we want is...And it's our wedding so". The landlady is very enthusiastic and happy with our plans. We don't want anything special, just a band and a big piss up really.

After the meeting, landlady and chef go away (appearing) happy. DM then starts with "you don't want your wedding at that time, you want it at this time because...", "you don't want your band inside, you'll disturb people trying to have a relaxing drink (in a different room!) it's give and take you know, you're being very selfish and they'r doing you a favour". Tried to explain to DM that they are a business, we are paying them a fair chunk of money for food and drinks and they'll be making a fortune on the bar. The landlady was practically rubbing her hands with glee when I told her how many guests we were having and accepting all their prices. I apologized for getting frustrated at the beginning and the landlady apologized to me for not knowing that this meeting was taking place.

But nope, I am "selfish and an embarrassment. Think you're better than everyone else and everyone should just bow down to you." She stormed off shouting that she couldn't stand me for another second. I went home and cried. I'm supposed to be excited about my wedding and she has shit all over that.

She has just text me saying I'm bloody horrible and that I never used to be like that, what has changed me?

I dunno. Am I being a bridezilla? Should I be a bit more laid back and let others have their way on bits of my wedding?

Sorry for the essay?

'all I've ever done is love you with all my heart, I've given you everything etc

Hah! Is there a toxic mothers script? If there is then this would be in it! When she knows she is losing control, knows she is losing the argument she falls back on Old Faithful.....tears and a guilt trip.

OP she will ramp it up when you dont fall for it. She will make bigger and bigger threats until you capitulate. But dont give in, the absolute second that you do she will know how far she has to go to get her own way. She is too scared to lose you to actually see any of her threats through. She will come to your wedding, she will back down, but only ONLY if you stand your ground.

Think of her as a tantruming toddler. Any parent will tell you that you dont give in because then they will tantrum every single time you say no. You stand your ground and eventually the toddler learns that when Mummy says No she means No. You need to treat your mum the same way. Take your confidence from your DP, he knows what is normal and you (I mean no offence) do not thanks to her abuse of you.

Oh and I should add that "loving you with all my heart etc" from a parent should mean unconditional love. But I would bet a weeks wages that her love has always come with strings hasnt it? She loves you as long as you toe the line, but the second you step out of line she on you like a pack of hounds.

Haha yes, she loves me all the time I do exactly as she wants. She once created a fake profile of me on a poker account and forced me to meet a 40 something year old bloke from it. I was 19 at the time and had just met DP. (many moons ago!)

When I refused to meet the horrible, obnoxious coke head again she screamed at me that DP was poison, would cheat on me and the usual "I've done everythi g for you and you just throw it back in my face". She flatly denies any of it now

Has anyone an idea as to how I can respond to this guilt trip? So far I haven't responded to "Dad thinks you were awful too. Not gonna justify myself because I've done nothing wrong, tried to do my best as a mum but obviously have failed miserably, hope you do a better job with DGC, you've made it clear I'm not welcome in your life, cheers Fam'

Maybe a neutral reply -

I'm sorry you feel that way. DP and I are going to organise our wedding the way we want it and you will be welcome to join us on the day.

That's a great line from Morgause, she sounds the kind of person that anything more would just fuel her. She sadly won't change, but hopefully this won't spoil your day, and it is your day, your choice on everything not hers, so setting the boundary now could help manage her expectations on how much meddling she thinks she's going to do

Oh yes, and nothing you've said on here is BU in the slightest, you must have the patience of a saint :)

I've got one just like yours, she's been utterly awful for years and I've always just tried to appease her - this after many times of standing up to her and reasoning with her...nothing works.

It all blew up over our wedding too. All I can advise is just try to be polite to her, you will never win an argument with her.

The easiest thing is to cut her out of your life, but that will just hang over you and I would find it difficult and wouldn't want to be someone who doesn't talk to their mother.

Whether you change venue or not, she will still be painful. Just don't get involved in any arguments with her, treat her in the polite manner you would treat a work colleague who you disagree with with but need to be polite to.

Best of luck with your wedding, don't let her ruin it...she will always be a blight, but you need to try and 'box' her up in your brain and move on.

HTH.

She sounds like she has mental health problems OP.

Weddings are great for bringing relationship issues to a head They carry with them the weight of parental expectations, and they draw adult children back into interactions with the family. Even in families where parents aren't especially toxic, they give parents the apparent right to lay massive guilt trips.

I would also move the venue away from her territory

Yes, you have failed miserably. I will do better cos I could hardly do worse. I think staying out of my life is a great idea and don't worry about the wedding, I intend to have it somewhere else.

That ought to shock the hell out of her!

You probably won't want to be so brutal, but it is a legitimate option.

She is attempting to manipulate you, getting more and more hysterical the harder you are to pull into line.

Await the chest pains...

Await the chest pains...
forgot about the chest pains, although my MIL was more creative and said she was having a stroke

I wouldn't respond to that text at all.

You're supposed to leap in with, oh of course you're always welcome in my life, you're not a failure... just sit on your hands and don't respond.

Unless you want to send her a link to the world's smallest violin of course

Perhaps send Morgause's reply in a couple of days. She needs to understand she's not running the show.

yanbu i think you should chooseanother venue too. Are your parents contributing financially?

I'd be tempted to use her text as a way to praise her but make it clear your capable, something like

"no you haven't failed as a mother, that's how you've raised a capable and confident young woman with a mind of her own. Thanks for realising I can organise my own wedding and I know you'll be glad that your duties are just to turn up and enjoy the day"

The only way she can reply to that is to actually state your not capable, confident and you cannot organise your wedding. To which you reply

"I won't bother sending you an invite then"

My mother was like this over my wedding. Took her to see the wedding dress I had chosen and she said "Well it doesn't matter what you wear really, you could wear any old thing, because people always say the bride looks lovely anyway." The woman in the shop was like this:

She pushed me out of the way in the florists, saying "You don't want that in your bouquet, you want this." The florist, bless her, said to her "It's not you getting married", whereupon she stormed off in a huff.

She was a pain in the arse throughout the wedding, told me I should have married my exDP (this was at the reception - he was a guest) "as everyone's saying how lovely he is, and, well, your new DH isn't." She phoned my in laws (who are lovely) after the wedding to tell them she had never met such rude people in her life, and had they never had any manners? Apparently they hadn't thanked her for the reception. But given that they had paid half of it, why should they? (They haven't spoken since, and that was 20 years ago.)

Stand your ground. She'll get over it.

The only advice I have about weddings is fight tooth and nail to get the day you want because you want to look back on it and remember you had the day you wanted. My pil fought me and dh on every aspect of our wedding to the point they even rebooked a new wedding car for us as they didn't like the one I had chosen (me and dh were paying ourselves so it'd not like they were even paying)
It was a huge battle where we had to keep everything a secret from pil from who was doing the flowers to what wine was on the table or they would have rebooked it. In the end we got the wedding we wanted and it was perfect, I can look back on it happily. (the next day pil invited us to a pub with them for a 'formal meal' with all their friends who I'd never met and dh had met once or twice who didn't get invited to our wedding... And Seriously not joking....they had rebooked an entire wedding for us including wedding cake photographer flowers.everything minus the actual wedding ceremony exactly how they wanted it. We'd had a really chilled wedding and found ourselves in the middle of pur wedding nightmare the next day) I Still 5 years on look back at that day angrily. I'm not trying tp steal your thread just explaining how if you don't get the wedding you want years later it will still be a sore spot so don't be bullied into anything you don't want .... Sorry for essay

Thanks for your advice everyone. Unfortunately she continued her vitriol this morning and it has no extended to my whole family. DB called me, trying to get me to back down as she was upset. He said I should do it for an easy life, when my life is easier without her dramas. He then said that I was only standing up for myself as I could use DD for leverage. He reminded me of the fact that DF was not my real dad and as such didn't have to have anything to do with me if DM didn't. The man has raised me and in my eyes is my dad.

But he is right, none of them will have anything to do with me unless I appease her. All over what time we wanted our wedding to be..

Sorry for the drama.

mrsSchadenfreude
Dearie me!

I agree with morguese - something neutral. Do not be drawn in!

"I am sorry that you feel that way, but dp and I are going to organise our wedding according to our preferences. I hope you will join us on the big day."

Give her nothing to twist or elaborate on.

I do like the link to the teeny violin!

Ah yes, I had that exact same phone call from my DF. With the threat that my mother was having a "nervous breakdown." This was because I didn't want an arch of fucking pink and white balloons behind the top table. She organised it anyway and looked horribly smug when I arrived and noticed.

Tell her you have rearranged it to the time she wanted it and have it two hours earlier so that she misses it.

Oh. X posted.

Well ffs. You see...I wouldn't back down. That would just aggravate me further, and I would be all the more politely determined that I was having it my own way.
I am like that.

I know most people will tell you to have it out with your mum but personally I'd just pretend you're going along with everyone 'for an.easy life' book exactly what you want but keep your cards close to your chest. Tell everyone you deal with only to deal with you and then on the day it's too late for your mum to do anything anyway. If you don't want huge family dramas before hand just passify her by pretending to take all on board.
Also just dont share too much info with her. Get car booked, flowers booked dress sorted etc but say dp has sorted that aspect of the wedding out as a surprise for you and you have no control over it. The less she knows the less she will interfere. Be as vague as.possible with details

Oh I don't even think its about the wedding anymore. It's because I basically wouldn't do as I'm told, and I embarrassed her infront of her friends by disagreeing with her.

After the guilt trip failed she has now gone back to "your dad is appalled by your behaviour and your brother has had a problem with you for years". Well yeah he has, like he has a problem with my 4mo DD and even DF because he doesn't like sharing his mother with anyone.

And yes, send Morgause's reply.

My mother screamed down the phone at me "Why are you being so difficult? You should just leave it to me and I will sort out the guest list, a couple of bridesmaids, food and flowers and the hymns. I will do everything, you don't need to get involved."

She didn't invite some friends who lived overseas as she "didn't think they would come." They had booked and paid for their flights as they wanted to be with us. She eventually sent them an invitation, but not after another row. She also didn't invite my great aunt, who I think would just have come to the church, but not the reception, on the grounds that she was "too old and wouldn't have anything nice to wear." And tried to fill the guest list with her friends, at the expense of ours.

I wouldn't have it out with her either. You would just be feeding her starring role if you did. Just quietly and very politely stick to your own plans, and refuse to be drawn in.