Am I being an unreasonable bridezilla or is DM just up to her old tricks?

[Famzilla]

Am a regular but have NC incase IABU, don't wanna ruin my street cred and all that

DP are getting married next year. We're doing it on the cheap as we don't have much money and don't wanna get into debt. When discussing venues my parents suggested the country pub they play darts in, as it has a nice garden, restaurant and has had weddings there before. It is close to where I was raised so I already know the majority of people who work there. Perfect, I thought.

Told DM I would give the landlady a call. Don't worry she said, I'll talk to her. DM told me that the landlady was very excited at the prospect and to pop in today and see her. DP and I arrange to go in and DM informs me that her and DF will come too. I told them not to worry but they insisted, saying I'd get a better deal if they were there. I said fine, providing they didn't start saying "no, you don't wanna do that, what you wanna do is...".

The reason I said that is DM has form for being VERY controlling, and aggressive when I don't do as I'm told. A few examples are kicking me out of the house when I was 16. Disowning me when I refused to drop out of university after losing my job (DP was supporting me, but supposedly it was 'shameful' and 'dirty' to rely on a man...She hasn't had a job in 10 years). Saying that I was nasty and thought I was better than her because I refused to wean DD onto purees at 3mo. Telling me "you think you're really pretty, but you're not" when I booked holiday off my minimum wage job at 18 to do some modelling.

Anyways, I digress. When we get there it seems like noone is expecting us. The chef comes out utterly oblivious to what we want or what we're doing so I ask to speak to the landlady. As expected, DM and DF start going "what we want is...". I sit there silently until they have finished before saying "No, what we want is...And it's our wedding so". The landlady is very enthusiastic and happy with our plans. We don't want anything special, just a band and a big piss up really.

After the meeting, landlady and chef go away (appearing) happy. DM then starts with "you don't want your wedding at that time, you want it at this time because...", "you don't want your band inside, you'll disturb people trying to have a relaxing drink (in a different room!) it's give and take you know, you're being very selfish and they'r doing you a favour". Tried to explain to DM that they are a business, we are paying them a fair chunk of money for food and drinks and they'll be making a fortune on the bar. The landlady was practically rubbing her hands with glee when I told her how many guests we were having and accepting all their prices. I apologized for getting frustrated at the beginning and the landlady apologized to me for not knowing that this meeting was taking place.

But nope, I am "selfish and an embarrassment. Think you're better than everyone else and everyone should just bow down to you." She stormed off shouting that she couldn't stand me for another second. I went home and cried. I'm supposed to be excited about my wedding and she has shit all over that.

She has just text me saying I'm bloody horrible and that I never used to be like that, what has changed me?

I dunno. Am I being a bridezilla? Should I be a bit more laid back and let others have their way on bits of my wedding?

Sorry for the essay?

[Charlesroi]

facedontfit

I was thinking that. Do you think we could blag an invite?

Famzilla I'm sure the landlady will know the way the land lies and will be more than up to the task of dealing with DM. Maybe you can get DM to choose something you don't give a toss about? Cake?

[Famzilla]

Urghhh. DF has just called me saying that she hasn't done anything wrong and I need to 'listen to yourself'. I can't even believe I gave him the benefit of the doubt when answering, thinking that he would see what she's doing. She does it to him too.

[Famzilla]

Haha yeah the more the merrier! Maybe if I had a nest of vipers at my wedding it would keep the evil spirits away

[JustCallMeMaam]

YADNBU!! Your mother sounds like a nightmare!

My mother had a major strop when I chose my wedding dress. I invited her along to when I went to actually order it (I had already decided on it and even had quite a patronising chat with her beforehand to say this is definitely the one, not asking for your opinion, but please come too for this 'special' moment.) uksting in a full on row in debenhams on Oxford street!

She then didn't speak to me for 6 months in the run up to the wedding because I hadn't chosen the meringue she wanted

I went ahead and with (as he was then) DP we decided all the details of what we wanted for our wedding. She was invited and turned up, but was more of a spectator than 'mother of the bride'

I am sad she couldn't have just been supportive but she chose not to.

Long story but my point is don't allow her to pout and strop her way into having undue influence over what you and dp want for your day!

Good luck!

[pictish]

Say "Yes dad...for once I am listening to myself. It makes a change from being drowned out by mum. I suggest you try it."

[Bogeyface]

You do know that you dont have to allow her any input at all dont you? Do you realise that you can tell her to get stuffed and there is not a single thing she can do about it?

Sounds like you have been condition all your life to bow down to her, but please do listen to your DP. He and his family are giving you the confidence to tell that she is abusive, toxic and WRONG. Thats whats changed and it will continue to change. I suggest you tell her exactly that.

Put your foot down now otherwise when your first child comes along it will be hell on toast.

BTW I say this the mother of a young man who will shortly be moving in with his GF who has a mother just like yours. Biting my tongue is the least of it!

[pigletmania]

Why the hell are you still in contact with her, she sounds toxic. Why not arrange another meeting with the landlady and don't tell your mum.

[ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor]

She sounds ghastly.

You do not sound like a bridezilla AT ALL.

Elope.

[pigletmania]

Bloody hell they are awful op, I would cut off from tem

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"On the drive home DP said I should call the landlady and just say that unless she hears it from me, it's not true. I have no idea how to get this across without making me seem like a stroppy kid though"
I think your bitch of a mother has gaslighted you into believing you are a stroppy kid . You are most certainly not a stroppy kid, and you are most definitely not an unreasonable bridezilla!

Your DP is right, if you do decide to go ahead and use this venue, you need to give the landlady and chef a heads-up on your mother, because it sounds as if she would feel entitled to change it to suit herself.

TBH, I just wouldn't invite her. And I really do mean that .

[TheYoniWayIsUp]

Ooh, I have one like that. And you know, she is actually more bearable since I started standing up to her. Truly never thought it could happen, but I am somewhat happier.

[BrianTheMole]

Hmm, I'd consider changing the venue so she can't interfere.

[RenterNomad]

Sorry, this venue is no good, as it is too much your mother's territiry. Even if the landlady thinks she is able to treat you and DP as the client, your mother will make her professional life not worth living.

Even if you and the pub try to keep her at arms' length, she will be constantly close by, and will just feel over-involved!

[Angelico]

She sounds like a controlling nightmare and your father is a pitiful enabler. Check out the 'Stately homes' threads in Relationships.

Disengage. She sounds bitter and spiteful and hates the fact she doesn't control your life. Let things cool down and if she starts being a brat tell her she will not be attending your wedding. Also YY to telling landlady decisions are made by you and you alone. Point out that you are paying the bill and will not pay for anything you have not authorised. Don't be afraid to get it things confirmed in writing and don't feel the need to 'protect' your mother from shame. Tell the LL what she is like if necessary.

Good luck and enjoy your wedding :) x

[OwlinaTree]

I agree with contacting the venue and telling them that unless she hears it directly from you, it's not to happen. Or consider another venue.

Don't think the advice to not invite the mother is very useful tho. It's not really going to solve the problem is it?

[ENormaSnob]

Your mother is a horrible horrible person.

Im surprised you speak to her at all.

[Bogeyface]

Not inviting her isnt helpful, but theatening to not invite her and that you will tell everyone why, could be very useful indeed.
She behaves like this because she has, as has been mentioned, gaslighted the OP and her husband is an enabler. The second someone stands up to her she will fold. Oh she will scream and shout and cry and attempt emotional blackmail etc, but if the OP stands her ground then eventually the "D"M will fold.

[Bogeyface]

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

[OwlinaTree]

I would advise the 'yes mother I'll think about that' response to her suggestions... and then do what you and your dp want to do.

Not worth the conflict unless you really really want to make a stand and have her put of your life for ever.

[Alohomora]

Stick to your guns - it is YOUR AND YOUR DP's wedding, don't let anyone spoil that!

We got married last month and since the wedding was taking place in my home village and we live abroad I had to rely on my DM to a large degree, and even though we're close there were some nasty moments in the beginning (eg when we were having it - the time of day caused arguments for half a year!).

DM seems to feel like she's doing you a favour but you and your DP are perfectly capable of organising a fab do without her and her interference, and as you are the bride you get to pick how the show is run. It sounds like all your requests were really reasonably and she is just sulking because you are capable of organising your life without her input.

[OwlinaTree]

out not put

[Famzilla]

Thanks so much for all of your replies. Seriously it's so reassuring to hear that I'm not the one in the wrong here. MN is amazing sometimes.

I unfortunately engaged in texting her. Basically just reiterating that her behaviour was toxic, and if it wasn't the wedding it would be something else. That I am not afraid of her temper anymore and as such would not be controlled. stole a bit of bogeys line about my growing confidence.

She then started with the 'all I've ever done is love you with all my heart, I've given you everything etc'. reiterating that she's done nothing wrong, that I was rude.

She's giving me a massive guilt trip, basically. Making me feel like an utter cunt for standing my ground. My dad won't have anything to do with me unless things are good between her and I. Neither will my brother (he has ADHD & ASD which seems to manifest in mirroring my mum, kind of hard to explain)

[Famzilla]

Just read that bit about gaslighting. Funnily enough, when I was a student MH nurse, one of my mentors said something about my mother doing that (I had gone to placement a day after one of her episodes and just exploded on this lovely woman, luckily she was a trained therapist!) I just smiled and nodded, not knowing what the hell she was on about

[Alohomora]

Famzilla, she sounds a bit like my father - thankfully my mom and I are a team, but a few days before the wedding my mom just looked at me, rolled her eyes and said "I wish we could slip something in his food so he sleeps through the day and doesn't ruin it!".

I think once children reach a certain age and the relationship with the parents has never been the best, they realize that guilt is the only thing they have left to control us. It's a shame that your dad doesn't stand up to her - is he being manipulated by her in the same way?