Am I being an unreasonable bridezilla or is DM just up to her old tricks?

[Famzilla]

Am a regular but have NC incase IABU, don't wanna ruin my street cred and all that

DP are getting married next year. We're doing it on the cheap as we don't have much money and don't wanna get into debt. When discussing venues my parents suggested the country pub they play darts in, as it has a nice garden, restaurant and has had weddings there before. It is close to where I was raised so I already know the majority of people who work there. Perfect, I thought.

Told DM I would give the landlady a call. Don't worry she said, I'll talk to her. DM told me that the landlady was very excited at the prospect and to pop in today and see her. DP and I arrange to go in and DM informs me that her and DF will come too. I told them not to worry but they insisted, saying I'd get a better deal if they were there. I said fine, providing they didn't start saying "no, you don't wanna do that, what you wanna do is...".

The reason I said that is DM has form for being VERY controlling, and aggressive when I don't do as I'm told. A few examples are kicking me out of the house when I was 16. Disowning me when I refused to drop out of university after losing my job (DP was supporting me, but supposedly it was 'shameful' and 'dirty' to rely on a man...She hasn't had a job in 10 years). Saying that I was nasty and thought I was better than her because I refused to wean DD onto purees at 3mo. Telling me "you think you're really pretty, but you're not" when I booked holiday off my minimum wage job at 18 to do some modelling.

Anyways, I digress. When we get there it seems like noone is expecting us. The chef comes out utterly oblivious to what we want or what we're doing so I ask to speak to the landlady. As expected, DM and DF start going "what we want is...". I sit there silently until they have finished before saying "No, what we want is...And it's our wedding so". The landlady is very enthusiastic and happy with our plans. We don't want anything special, just a band and a big piss up really.

After the meeting, landlady and chef go away (appearing) happy. DM then starts with "you don't want your wedding at that time, you want it at this time because...", "you don't want your band inside, you'll disturb people trying to have a relaxing drink (in a different room!) it's give and take you know, you're being very selfish and they'r doing you a favour". Tried to explain to DM that they are a business, we are paying them a fair chunk of money for food and drinks and they'll be making a fortune on the bar. The landlady was practically rubbing her hands with glee when I told her how many guests we were having and accepting all their prices. I apologized for getting frustrated at the beginning and the landlady apologized to me for not knowing that this meeting was taking place.

But nope, I am "selfish and an embarrassment. Think you're better than everyone else and everyone should just bow down to you." She stormed off shouting that she couldn't stand me for another second. I went home and cried. I'm supposed to be excited about my wedding and she has shit all over that.

She has just text me saying I'm bloody horrible and that I never used to be like that, what has changed me?

I dunno. Am I being a bridezilla? Should I be a bit more laid back and let others have their way on bits of my wedding?

Sorry for the essay?

[Mia4]

Happy birthday Fam.

Just read the thread and I really don't think your mum even deserves seeing your DD, who knows how she could treat her given how she treats everyone else. She sounds toxic an your FIL and DB sound weak and mewling.

When you feel shitty and guilted just imagine that your DM is treating your DD in the same fashion and that everything she has done to you she's done to her. Then take that anger, sadness and need to protect and use it on yourself.

Would you let your DP be this way to your DD? Would you let anyone guilt, manipulate and emotionally assault her? Or would you protect her from it all?

That's what you need to do for yourself-protect you and in turn protect your DP and DD.

And if she gets lairy over texts again, give her your email and block her number from calling you.

[Revengeofkarma]

Your wedding on your ( meaning you and dp) terms?

That's just how it is supposed to be. Welcome to the rest of your life.

[Doha]

Much much better idea and it will be a day that you are your DP will actually enjoy without wondering what your DM will be up to next.

Just please don't tell her your plans until you are actually married

Good luck

[RenterNomad]

That sounds MUCH better! And I bet the pub's landlady will be secretly relieved!

[sweetestcup]

Good luck Fam in having the wedding you both want

[Strokethefurrywall]

Oh, I was lurking on this thread and feeling very shocked and sad for you but your latest post has cheered me up!

I'm so glad you're going to get to enjoy your day on your terms, with the man you love and some close friends.

Wishing you a beautiful future together and hope that nothing your family does can dampen your spirits - best of luck and let us know how you get on! a plenty for you! x

[NorthernChinchilla]

Brilliant idea, sounds like it will be the perfect wedding.
Congratulations

[Panzee]

Congratulations, I hope you have a lovely day. :)

[Famzilla]

Ah that's a lovely story guy!

Thanks for all the birthday wishes, I had a nice evening with friends and tried to forget about what was happening. They couldn't quite believe it themselves.

DP and I have decided to forget the whole wedding thing and just get married. So we're going to the town hall tomorrow to book a date! Will just be 2 of our friends as witnesses and we'll go and get merry afterwards. I'm very excited, and actually so relieved that we're not spending our savings on what is to us just a glorified party.

Thanks so much again for your support, without MN I think I would have buckled ages ago and be going through the same sorry script about a different situation already.

[GuyMartinsSideburns]

Happy Birthday Famzilla

Im sorry youre going through this. I moved miles away to be away from my family, and strictly limiting contact has been absolutely the right thing for me. I realise this may not be for everyone. I can feel the guilt youre carrying, I recognise it. It took me years to let go of the guilt I carried (none of the way she behaves is your fault, or because of you) and it was a long and difficult process. I grieved for the childhood and upbringing that I didn't have, and certain events in my life as an adult (especially once I started a family of my own) would bring things from my past rushing to the fore which meant I then had to deal with them. I wont lie, it was tough and sometimes Id go backwards a bit, give in, visit etc then feel so much worse for it afterwards. I had to accept that my mother would never change, in her eyes she'd done nothing wrong, and I had 'mental health problems' which were causing me to remember things incorrectly.... Obviously I now know making me feel this way was more of her doing in order to kid herself that she'd been a wonderful mother. In the end it came down to self preservation - Id finally dealt with things and couldn't keep making myself have to go though all her shit.

When I got married I didn't tell her until afterwards, and I didn't care what her reaction was going to be. Dh and I, our 2 children and 2 witnesses (a lovely photographer that's become a friend, and his partner) in the local reg office, we walked in together, ds (6) had the ring, dd (4) picked me some flowers and it was lovely. No fuss and just how we wanted it. I truly hope that you have the wedding day you want - you don't have to invite anyone that you don't want to, whether related to you or not. I want you to be able to look back on your wedding day in years to come and be glad and happy that you did it your way.

Sorry if Ive gone on a bit, Im usually more of a lurker. I just really wanted to reply. xx

[Arnie123]

I had a horrible controlling toxic mother like this. Interesting I also got the looks comment "well you might be more intelligent than your sister but she is far prettier". Disown them like they disowned you just tell them to piss off

[kali110]

Also you owe them nothing. They bought you up yes, but thats what a parent does. You owe them nothing.
Think of cutting them out of your life as their birthday present to you!

[kali110]

Happy birthday!!plz dont feel guilty you havent done anything wrong. I know you feel bad about df, as i would but if he can only do what dm wants then he's made his decision.
My mum hated me when i was young. Always said i was ugly wished shed had two dogs instead blah blah blah. It was my dad i was close to. Things only changed when i went away for few years and she changed. If she hadn't after i lost my dad i would have just left and not felt bad.
They don't deserve to have you in their lives. If they can manipulate the rest of the family then are you loosing much? Plan your day how you want. If they're not happy they don't need to go or have you in their lives.
Don't let them guilt trip you over dd. i would be scared of them having contact with her! They're horrible influence. Ignore them. I know it will be hard but i think you will be so much happier without them in your life.

[InLoveWithDavidTennant]

happy birthday fam

just read the whole thread. i have no advice but just wanted to say that i hope you enjoy your day.... seems like you're marrying a good one

[ClimbingPenguin]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FAMZILLA!!

Hope you are reading some of the threads in relationships about similar problems

[ChasedByBees]

Happy birthday Famzilla. Stay strong.

[Revengeofkarma]

For starters, if you need it, I will walk you down the aisle. I'm a strapping six foot plus, work out, will wear heels and am far too well versed in keeping toxic mothers in their place. She wouldn't know what hit her!

Secondly, you need to change the venue. No, the pub hasn't done anything wrong, but you're not punishing them either. They won't be out of pocket at this stage, just not quite as in profit as they were hoping. Few reasons:

1. your mum thinks she owns the place, even before you got there. This. Is. Bad. Even before you get there.
   
2. code words or what have you I will put cash money on the fact that even if the landlady says "we only take orders from the bride, she's paying for it" your mother (manipulative declarations of recent impossible skintness aside) already offered to pay for stuff. She will simply end run you, and possibly the landlady and order it and pay for it herself. Then, when you hate it (and you will) you not only have poor taste, but you're soooo ungrateful! It will also result in plenty of crying, wailing and gnashing of teeth on your wedding day, which is a day that frankly you have far better things to do.
   
   Ever notice how when people want you to do something for an easy life, it is never ever EVER your life that's going to be any easier, especially in the long run? You are a family now and that chosen family is the priority. The wedding is all about the joy of creating that family, and in your case the joy of what you're leaving behind.
   
   It will get worse before it gets better. Sadly, that's true. BUT when it gets better (and that may take a while, or not) it will get dramatically better quickly as your mother learns that this behaviour is simply not acceptable to you (which could, actually make things better/easier for your father and brother). She will still try every now and again to see if you really mean it and test those boundaries, so it is key to be consistent that yes, this is how adults act.
   
   Hold the line and you'll be fine. My mother tries to pull this crap all the time. Well tried. And did the whole "oh I guess I'm just a bad mother." Hey, you said it. I didn't. Well not to her anyway. I won't go into it just because I just told that story on another thread! The thing you'll discover? (And I think you are starting to already discover!) Everyone else, without exception, seriously EVERYONE, in real life not just on line, thinks your mother is a batshit crazy toxic manipulator. And you have their full sympathy because they know what she does.
   
   And they will love and respect you SO MUCH MORE for breaking the cycle and getting out.

[MammaTJ]

At least the land lady has the measure of her! Happy birthday op!

[StrangeGlue]

Happy birthday! You are fab and they suck sweaty cocknoddle balls!

[DorisShutt]

Well happy birthday to you!

[Crazy4U]

Happy birthday

[Famzilla]

Thanks for your kind words everyone. Have read over them a few times when I have felt a bit trembly!

It's my birthday today and not so much as a text from DF or DB. Just as they said I guess, they're not my family unless I'm on good terms with her. It hurts a lot, but DD has pen in her hair from where DP tried to get her to sign my card which is an instant mood lifter

[diddl]

Oh OP, I just want to cry for you.

She doesn't deserve you & I think that for your own & your daughter's sake you should stop bothering with her.

You are "selfish & an embarrassment"-so why is she so het up about organising your wedding?

She really is nasty to be able to say such things & not instantly apologise.

I say again-she doesn't deserve you.

Concentrate on your daughter, husband to be & his family.

[RenterNomad]

So sorry to hear this update. IIRC, your DP was against letting her see DD. so keep up the polite "maybe we'll bump into one another" to her, and to yourself, lean hard on everyone else's opinion that she is poison.

[NorthernChinchilla]

Have you spoken to your DP about how you feel, ref the childhood memories? I'm sure he is supporting you, but if you'll need to let him, iyswim. Tbh, it sounds like everything has come to a head- parenthood, upcoming wedding and then standing up to your parents, so it's not surprising that you're feeling overwhelmed. You're doing a fantastic job keeping it all togthter.

And also, what's your DP's view on letting your DD see your mother? I'd guess he's not in favour....

You will get through this 'guilt' feeling, which as others have said is not true guilt for doing something bad, just another form of emotional abuse. Keep asking yourself- would I do/say/act in this way to my DD? Would I want my DM doing this to her? If the answer's no, then I'd stay away from your mother, and your father and brother too.

Remember, you don't need them at all.