Am I being an unreasonable bridezilla or is DM just up to her old tricks?

[Famzilla]

Am a regular but have NC incase IABU, don't wanna ruin my street cred and all that

DP are getting married next year. We're doing it on the cheap as we don't have much money and don't wanna get into debt. When discussing venues my parents suggested the country pub they play darts in, as it has a nice garden, restaurant and has had weddings there before. It is close to where I was raised so I already know the majority of people who work there. Perfect, I thought.

Told DM I would give the landlady a call. Don't worry she said, I'll talk to her. DM told me that the landlady was very excited at the prospect and to pop in today and see her. DP and I arrange to go in and DM informs me that her and DF will come too. I told them not to worry but they insisted, saying I'd get a better deal if they were there. I said fine, providing they didn't start saying "no, you don't wanna do that, what you wanna do is...".

The reason I said that is DM has form for being VERY controlling, and aggressive when I don't do as I'm told. A few examples are kicking me out of the house when I was 16. Disowning me when I refused to drop out of university after losing my job (DP was supporting me, but supposedly it was 'shameful' and 'dirty' to rely on a man...She hasn't had a job in 10 years). Saying that I was nasty and thought I was better than her because I refused to wean DD onto purees at 3mo. Telling me "you think you're really pretty, but you're not" when I booked holiday off my minimum wage job at 18 to do some modelling.

Anyways, I digress. When we get there it seems like noone is expecting us. The chef comes out utterly oblivious to what we want or what we're doing so I ask to speak to the landlady. As expected, DM and DF start going "what we want is...". I sit there silently until they have finished before saying "No, what we want is...And it's our wedding so". The landlady is very enthusiastic and happy with our plans. We don't want anything special, just a band and a big piss up really.

After the meeting, landlady and chef go away (appearing) happy. DM then starts with "you don't want your wedding at that time, you want it at this time because...", "you don't want your band inside, you'll disturb people trying to have a relaxing drink (in a different room!) it's give and take you know, you're being very selfish and they'r doing you a favour". Tried to explain to DM that they are a business, we are paying them a fair chunk of money for food and drinks and they'll be making a fortune on the bar. The landlady was practically rubbing her hands with glee when I told her how many guests we were having and accepting all their prices. I apologized for getting frustrated at the beginning and the landlady apologized to me for not knowing that this meeting was taking place.

But nope, I am "selfish and an embarrassment. Think you're better than everyone else and everyone should just bow down to you." She stormed off shouting that she couldn't stand me for another second. I went home and cried. I'm supposed to be excited about my wedding and she has shit all over that.

She has just text me saying I'm bloody horrible and that I never used to be like that, what has changed me?

I dunno. Am I being a bridezilla? Should I be a bit more laid back and let others have their way on bits of my wedding?

Sorry for the essay?

[DontmindifIdo]

oh as well, when you do find an alternative venue, also warn them that you have 'inferring family' (you do'nt need to specify your mother) and so you need them to agree that only deal directly with you or DP.

You will also find if you quietly stand up to her every time the drama will stop. She will learn she can't treat you that way and will stop trying, or will rant at your Dad, but then not at you.

[xylem8]

famzilla are your parents contributing financially?

[Groovee]

Don't engage with her and have it your way!

[DontmindifIdo]

oh good point, Xylem8 - if they are paying, someone like your DM will feel she has 'bought control' - don't accept help towards the costs, or let her pay for one thing and have control over it, like the cake or the flowers, only something you genuinely don't care about. If you do care, don't accept the funds.

[Famzilla]

DM offered a lot of financial help but I declined it for exactly that reason. She has always been incredibly generous, and then used her generosity as a stick to beat me with.

She's still carrying on with this campaign of hatred. Have been ignoring her, aside from saying that I have never stopped her from seeing DD but I will not be engaging in this arguement anymore. So she said that she will be round at 12 to visit her (she rarely visits!).

When I said this would not be suitable (as I was out!) she got totally hysterical and really, really nasty. The stuff she was saying didn't even make sense. I feel like I'm beating her down and she's just going further and further into irrationality

[Famzilla]

Oh and DP and I were gettin married in a registry office with just 2 witnesses anyways. This was like a mock wedding/party. I can do without it if needs be and jus have something another time. As long as we're married I don't really give a shit about a fancy dress and some bloody flowers.

[RenterNomad]

The pub management is only blameless so far. Do you really trust them to be slick enough to handle an operation like this? Won't bar staff answer the phone
sometimes and be bamboozled? Won't staff have to ne hired locally, probably meaning teen and twentysomething staff our mother can bully?

All for an ordinary pub? If you want an ordinary, pretty pub, just find one, perhaps near DP's family instead.

[oscarwilde]

You poor cow. She sounds a horror. Whether you roll over on this one is up to you, but at some point in your life if you want things to change you are going to have to wait her out. It might as well be your wedding day - digging your heels in over something more minor is going to be more difficult !

Message 1. It's my wedding, you've had your wedding(s).
Message 2. Bog off, are you sniffing glue?
Message 3. Cease and desist or I will cancel the wedding at pub venue explaining to your local landlady that you have made it impossible for me to continue with the booking.

Actions:
Accept no financial assistance or practical "help"
Book the service, the venue and any other big items you feel are non-negotiable. Then, email your family and all friends and relatives with a save the date [invited guests only, not those required to decorate] with times and locations. Make yourself uncontactable for 3 weeks overseas with no phone signal while friends and family get on with booking transport and hotels.
It works a treat :)

[Squitten]

Why are you continuing to engage with her OP? As soon as you hear your mother's voice on the phone, just hang up. You are not obliged to listen to her vitriol or her hysteria. If she comes to your door, close it in her face. Just leave her to shout at everyone else who is apparently so obliging to her.

You are an adult and you are not required to put up with this rubbish from ANYONE - relatives or otherwise

[RenterNomad]

The pub management is only blameless so far. Do you really trust them to be slick enough to handle an operation like this? Won't bar staff answer the phone
sometimes and be bamboozled? Won't staff have to ne hired locally, probably meaning teen and twentysomething staff our mother can bully?

All for an ordinary pub? If you want an ordinary, pretty pub, just find one, perhaps near DP's family instead.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

OP

How old is she?

[RenterNomad]

Apologies for my repeat posts, and also fir missing your last.

If she is acting like this, there's no way she should come anywhere near you, and even less way an ordinary country pub could handle her (staff would quit, customers would leave to avoid your mother's regular screaming binges anout being excluded, etc.).

This isn't the pub's fault, and it woulf be a shame for them to lose business, but imagine the analogy with teaching. Would you allow an NQT with no SENCO backup to teach a child with severe behavioural problems? The chaos that would result wouldn't be that teacher's fault, but it would still happen, and would be unfair on everyone.

[Famzilla]

48, so old enough to know better yet not old enough to blame her age.

I don't mean to engage with her and I really am ignoring the majority of her abuse, but it is literally constant. Have blocked her on Facebook. The stuff she is just coming out with that I've supposedly done is just insane. Honestly, it's like she's taken a trip to crazytown.

[YouTheCat]

She sounds like a narc personality type.

Totally disengage. Tbh I wouldn't let her near your dd as she is being so vile.

[HoleyGhost]

Are you concerned that she is having a breakdown?


Whatever is behind this, engaging with her won't help. I would cancel the wedding plans for now and I would also refuse her access to your dd.

[HoleyGhost]

If harassment continues, get advice from the police

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Famzilla

It does sound like she is cracking up , on top of longstanding bad behaviour. Menopause? This doesn't help really because she's always been difficult and I don't want to excuse that

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

... when I asked her age I was thinking dementia - irrationality and aggression can be early signs

[BoulevardOfBrokenSleep]

It sounds like she's not used to people standing up to her.
(understatement of the year)

[Famzilla]

I don't think she has dementia, I'm a mental health nurse and have worked in dementia for years.

This is just her desperately trying to regain control of me by making me out to be this horrible person. It's not the first time.

[YouTheCat]

I don't think she's cracking up. I think she's having a full on stampy foot tantrum.

Best thing to do with toddlers who tantrum is ignore them.

[oscarwilde]

You work in MH. Perfect. You could be totally passive aggressive and suggest that she needs to see a doctor ?

[2rebecca]

I think you made a mistake in taking her to the venue and involving her at all given her personality.
If you and your husband are happy with the original time, venue and other stuff then ignore your disfunctional extended family, if they don't like it they don't have to come. I would send a letter to the landlady stating clearly that only you and your partner are to discuss the party with her as you don't trust your mum not to meddle.
If you wouldn't be happy with that venue as it's too near your mum's then you could cancel it and either have the party somewhere more convenient for you or just go out for a meal with a few people you actually like.
Sorry your mum and stepfather are so horrible. I'd be avoiding her until she decides to be nice. It's more important for your daughter to have a happy mum than to see her grandmother and have a nasty atmosphere.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Aha Famzilla.

I've also worked in dementia so I'm always alert to it.