Am I being an unreasonable bridezilla or is DM just up to her old tricks?

[Famzilla]

Am a regular but have NC incase IABU, don't wanna ruin my street cred and all that

DP are getting married next year. We're doing it on the cheap as we don't have much money and don't wanna get into debt. When discussing venues my parents suggested the country pub they play darts in, as it has a nice garden, restaurant and has had weddings there before. It is close to where I was raised so I already know the majority of people who work there. Perfect, I thought.

Told DM I would give the landlady a call. Don't worry she said, I'll talk to her. DM told me that the landlady was very excited at the prospect and to pop in today and see her. DP and I arrange to go in and DM informs me that her and DF will come too. I told them not to worry but they insisted, saying I'd get a better deal if they were there. I said fine, providing they didn't start saying "no, you don't wanna do that, what you wanna do is...".

The reason I said that is DM has form for being VERY controlling, and aggressive when I don't do as I'm told. A few examples are kicking me out of the house when I was 16. Disowning me when I refused to drop out of university after losing my job (DP was supporting me, but supposedly it was 'shameful' and 'dirty' to rely on a man...She hasn't had a job in 10 years). Saying that I was nasty and thought I was better than her because I refused to wean DD onto purees at 3mo. Telling me "you think you're really pretty, but you're not" when I booked holiday off my minimum wage job at 18 to do some modelling.

Anyways, I digress. When we get there it seems like noone is expecting us. The chef comes out utterly oblivious to what we want or what we're doing so I ask to speak to the landlady. As expected, DM and DF start going "what we want is...". I sit there silently until they have finished before saying "No, what we want is...And it's our wedding so". The landlady is very enthusiastic and happy with our plans. We don't want anything special, just a band and a big piss up really.

After the meeting, landlady and chef go away (appearing) happy. DM then starts with "you don't want your wedding at that time, you want it at this time because...", "you don't want your band inside, you'll disturb people trying to have a relaxing drink (in a different room!) it's give and take you know, you're being very selfish and they'r doing you a favour". Tried to explain to DM that they are a business, we are paying them a fair chunk of money for food and drinks and they'll be making a fortune on the bar. The landlady was practically rubbing her hands with glee when I told her how many guests we were having and accepting all their prices. I apologized for getting frustrated at the beginning and the landlady apologized to me for not knowing that this meeting was taking place.

But nope, I am "selfish and an embarrassment. Think you're better than everyone else and everyone should just bow down to you." She stormed off shouting that she couldn't stand me for another second. I went home and cried. I'm supposed to be excited about my wedding and she has shit all over that.

She has just text me saying I'm bloody horrible and that I never used to be like that, what has changed me?

I dunno. Am I being a bridezilla? Should I be a bit more laid back and let others have their way on bits of my wedding?

Sorry for the essay?

[DontmindifIdo]

God I'd be tempted to reply to your dad "why? Is she ready to say sorry?" but you know that probably won't help...

[Audeca]

Hi all,

A guy here without kids.

OP: Found your thread when googling for some advice for a similar problem (me and my fiancée have a parent who is threatening not to come to our wedding because they don't like the reception venue - sadly appears we're about to give in). I'd be really interested to hear if you manage a successful resolution (so I can try & nab it ). Hope it all works out OK for you and your partner and you get to have a lovely stress free wedding.

SarahAndFuck: Some of what you say sounds very familiar atm, think I'll reading those books!

[Audeca]

Dammit:

...think I'll be reading those books!

[OrangeLily]

This rings lots of bells for me. I've found that you can go with contact but not too in-depth emotionally. Took me a while to work out that actually I'm an adult now with my own home and husband and that I make my own decisions. I don't have to apologise for those or put up with a temper tantrum over them.

If a toddler had a temper tantrum then you wouldn't engage with it so why should you engage with an adult? If a friend did this then you wouldn't engage either. Its quite strange how quite often a mother is able have a tantrum and the whole family pussyfoots around it really.

[belief]

Id organise a different pub venue. Write a note of apology to the original venue to cancel.
Organise everything then tell mother dear what is happening.

My mother is a bit like this with me - its easier to cut a few ties and move away (physically and emotionally, Ive done both and dont regret it)

I hope the rest of the build up is less stressful and that you enjoy your day! Good luck :)

[Ezio]

Audeca, Do you like the venue?

Fam, just ignore them all, they are no loss to your family, especially DD, whats gonna happen when she defies her grandmother, one side of her family are gonna suddenly reject her, no way would they do that to my baby.

[Famzilla]

Audeca, is there some really strong reason as to why they don't like the venue?

I would say stand your ground, but I know how difficult it can be!

It has just dawned on me that my dog will end up giving me away at my wedding. I don't have loads of friends as I am incredibly shy, and unless I relent and apologise to my mum I won't have any family there either!

Oh well, my dog will look great in a suit..

[Panzee]

Due to complicated family situations with exes and a general unwillingness to make a fuss my brother and his wife went to Gretna and pulled two witnesses off the street. Could this be an option for you?

[Ezio]

Fam, if your dog treats you better than your own family, i'd say go for it.

[facedontfit]

The dog will be perfect........

[MidniteScribbler]

If I got married, I'd totally have my dogs walk me down the aisle :)

Could you and your husband walk in together? I've seen it done before and it was actually really lovely.

[Tapirbackrider]

Famzilla I'm fairly certain that there are loads of MN'ers who would love to give you away at your wedding, or form a human barrier if necessary!

We do have previous for helping out... here

[DameDeepRedBetty]

Just read that thread Tapirbackrider - it happened when I was off MN for a few months. Awwww....

I was once grabbed to witness a Handfasting at Glastonbury, it was luffly.

OP - your wedding, your rules - your LIFE, your rules. And we'll all be here cheering you on.

[DontmindifIdo]

OP - a lot of brides now don't have anyone walk them down the isle, you can walk in on your own. However, I went to a wedding a friend with a 2 year old DD, her DD 'gave her away' - is your DD walking and able to do that?

What you need to remember is, your Mum is used to the fact that she believes you all need her in your lives, as a child, you needed her to be happy with you or she could make your lives hell, but you don't live with her, you have no need for her in the same way, now it's down to if you want her to be part of your life. Both your parents seem to think that your mum not talking to you is a problem you need to fix. Don't call, don't back down, see if they realise you don't actually need to fix this.

Distance emotionally does work. Limited interaction, limited information, not rushing to say sorry or call her.

Audeca - is the parent in question paying? if not, it's not their choice. If they had a very good valid reason (like an old friend died in that hotel or somehting equally understandable) then fine change, but if not, then tough, you arrange your wedding, they can decide if they want to go or not. I've known 3 people who've had relations throw the "if you don't do what I want, I'm not coming to your wedding" tantrum. In all 3 cases, the couple stuck to their plans, and the relation didn't carry out their threat not to go. Refusals to turn up only work if you make their attendence important to you, if you just say "ok, well your choice, the wedding will still take place" often it'll shock them, they aren't expecting you to accept them not going, they are expecting you to run around and act like they are important.

[Famzilla]

Awh that thread is so lovely! Just read all 23 pages and may have looked at the photos and shed a tear, wtf is wrong with me?

I get on really well with DP's friends and I know they would all be happy to walk me up the aisle. As would any of my girly friends, but it just doesn't seem right for a woman to walk me up the aisle IYSWIM. I do like the idea of DP doing it actually, with the dog and DD toddling behind

Am loving the idea of a MN human barrier! I'm actually chuckling at the thought of inviting DM into a 'nest of vipers'. She'd probably expect you all to agree with her that my hair & make up looked shit and that DP must be embarrassed he's marrying such a scruff.

I'll give you all ice cream and hog

[Katisha]

You don't have to be "given away" or " walked up the aisle" in this day and age. I walked up the aisle with DH. And back down again obv!

[Jux]

I think your idea of you and dp walking together, with dd and dog behind would be absolutely lovely.

Though I got on really well with my dad, I couldn't see myself letting him 'give me away'. Just couldn't. I knew he'd be quite hurt if he didn't though, so I just resolved not to get married! I was in my teens then though. As it happens, he died about 15 years before I did get married anyway and no one gave me away.

It is not unusual these days for the bride to give herself away - after all, she belongs to herself and no one else.

[slug]

DH and I walked up the aisle together, as did several of my Dsis' and their respective partners. I like the idea of the dog though. Could he/she pull a cart with your DD in it as well?

[Tapirbackrider]

You're remarkably chilled about it OP - just shout if you need a barricade...payment in cake and gin

Dame It brought a tear to my eye that's for sure.

[MidniteScribbler]

Don't forget the doggy bridal wear!

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Walking down the aisle arm in arm with your partner, and DD toddling behind, is a brilliant idea. You should absolutely do that.

[oscarwilde]

Wow - where do family get off refusing to attend a wedding because they "dislike" a venue they are not paying for? Even if that is the rationale for non-attendance - keep it to yourself ffs. I would probably only go to Vegas for an extremely close family member or friend would still think they had taken leave of their senses but unless a venue causes health or safety issues, or is located somewhere I can't afford to get to, then OMG BOG OFF with your opinions!

Famzilla - if your family keep up this particular line of sh*te, do let us know in due course and we'll arrange an MN guard of honour at the door. Otherwise, I would assume they don't wish to know. Issue them with an invite like any other guest (and treat a non-response accordingly) and don't invite any further comment by telling them of your plans. Believe me, it is far less painful.

[Famzilla]

Hello!

Just thought I'd update as to be honest it's really therapeutic for me to write it all down and get reassurance that I'm not a bitch.

DM asked to see DD last weekend and I said we were busy but would be at a local event that she always goes to without fail so may bump into her (I thought it was better to say we were going to be there than bump into her). She told me she wouldn't be going as "DF's entire business has collapsed and we're flat out broke". (this is impossible by the way, I feel like she was just trying to make me feel bad for them?). I left it at "let me know if you need any money", but refused to engage in any conversation about it.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Today DM text me asking what I want for my birthday. I say nothing, a few times as she doesn't acknowledge it the first. Not in a brattish way, just a "I really have everything I need thanks". So she asks to see DD, like nothing has happened.

She asks me to spell out what she's done wrong as she has no idea. She can't believe that I would stop DF having a "nanny". After not giving her the arguement she wanted she just left it with "I'll speak to you when you can show me some respect" before asking for my address so she "can at least send my daughter a birthday card".

The guilt I feel now is overwhelming. Over the past few weeks I feel like pandoras box has been opened, a lot of suppressed memories of things she did and made me do (not sexual by the way) have come flooding back and I am just a walking ball of rage. I feel like screaming at her, at my DF as well for letting it happen.

Sorry to anyone reading, I appreciate this is just self pitying word vomit.

Part of me thinks I should let her see DD over the weekend, if even for an hour. The guilty part I guess because the rest of me knows how insane that is.

[Bogeyface]

Remember, this isnt true guilt. True guilt comes from you knowing that you have done something wrong. What you are feeling now is manipulated by an abuser, it is the direct result of emotional abuse and is therefore an injury and should be treated as such.

When you hurt your leg you rest it, she has hurt your heart so you should rest it by not allowing any contact with her as she will continue to hurt it.

And if for no other reason, you should not see her so that your precious DD doesnt suffer her abuse too.

[BergholtStuttleyJohnson]

Are you my sister? Your mother sounds exactly like mine. Don't tell her anything about the wedding, just arrange it all yourself and refuse to speak to her about it. Easier said than done I know.