To think my kids dad is a waste of time

[Joanne279]

Hello everyone,

Just after your thoughts...

My kids aged 8 and 5 go to their dads once a fortnight from sat morning to Sunday tea time.

My first issue, are the sleeping arrangements. He lives with his gf and her 2 kids in a 2 bed house. Their dads other child sged 11, my eldest, and his gf kids aged 7 and 9 all sleep in one room. My son age 5 sleeps in their dads bed! With their bedding theyve prob had sex in! And their dad and his gf sleep on the sofa.

My second issue are the hygiene issues. They don't wash. They don't clean their teeth. He doesn't change their pants. He doesn't brush their hair! I have to send 2 changes of clothes and I'm dumped with all the washing when they get home.

My third issue are toys! Broken and dirty toys from the car boot. Today's luxury item was a china money vase with a HUGE Crack all the way round glued back together! Followed by broken Lego covered in pen! Yes you can get bargains from the carboot but every time they come home it's another bag full of crap! They break within hours of being home then I'm left with the tears of broken toys :(

I'm at my wits end. I've tried asking him about the issues and I've tried yelling but he just won't address any issue!

Seriously, am I being a bit of a snob, or is he falling a bit short of a decent standard?

Thanks.

You are suggesting that no parent could possibly know if teeth have been brushed or not, after I've explained, and others have, how they can tell if teeth have been brushed? Are you deliberately trying to be goady here allnew? Or are you not even aware of how goady your posts are when reading what a number of posters in a similar position to the OP are saying? Is your default setting to doubt everything an RP says, just because you are a step parent? Or is there some other reason why you think it reasonable to suggest that every parent posting here similar tales of fecklessness in ex partners are also lying/exaggerating?

I very specifically said

"I do wonder how the OP can know though that the teeth haven't been cleaned there in 11 months"

and

"not sure I could unless he'd been eating some if those awful fluorescent sweets"

Neither of those are the same as the "no parent could possibly know if teeth have been brushed or not" statement you've just accused me of

"Or is there some other reason why you think it reasonable to suggest that every parent posting here similar tales of fecklessness in ex partners are also lying/exaggerating"

Not at all, as I said above, it's the very specific points made in the OP that I saw as exagerration/projection. I personally have never seen a piece of broken lego and thought it was unbreakable. And I think I can say pretty confidently that a 5yo will not be able to detect semen on bedsheets

So there is no sarcasm in your post where you say you 'simply questioned' how the OP can tell if teeth have been brushed given the 'confident assertions' made by other posters about the teeth brushing? You stated you 'simply questioned' despite other posters explaining how its possible to tell if teeth have been brushed or not i.e. you still question how its possible to know after its been explained a number of times. Why? If you are not questioning every poster who states 'with confidence' that this is possible, what exactly are you saying then? Your faux innocence isn't quite cutting it allnew. Say what you mean but don't make out I'm misinterpreting what you are trying to say. You are still questioning the OP, and others (myself included) how it's possible to know how personal hygiene is dealt with at another home you have no access to and do not witness what happens. When it's been explained a number if times how its possible to know.

If you are not suggesting that those stating this are liars or exaggerating, what are you saying then?

Assuming for one moment that the OP is quite right to be seriously concerned about her DCs welfare when they are in their Dads care - is yelling at him a solution? What if that doesn't work?

My DSS doesn't brush his teeth or wash daily at his mums. He says he forgets and his mum doesn't always remind him and she is often at work when he gets ready for bed. DP taught him how to wash his intimate areas after he got an infection. His clothes are often food stained and grubby. DSD regularly sleeps in her Mums bed where her Mum has had sex earlier in the day.

What can DP do about that?

My POV is that it cannot be asserted by posters that these particular children have not brushed their teeth once in 11 months while at their fathers house.

For example if they are brought back to their mothers house on a Sunday afternoon they will presumably have eaten something that day. Of which the remains will be on their teeth. To me that is not proof that the teeth were not, for example, brushed on the Saturday evening.

And as I have stated several times, the general context of the OP, including "broken lego" and the sheets they must have had sex on, gives the impression of some degree of exagerration/projection to me

When you are bringing up 2 young DC by yourself its hard work and what would be the decent thing for your XH to do is to bring them home clean and tidy and having washed their clothes . That way once a fortnight you are getting a break from the drudgery of those chores.

It does sound like he is not going to do that though and however annoying it is perhaps focus on the positive that they are still maintaining a relationship with their Dad and hopefully there are no long term effects from dirt and junk food in small measures.

It's been asserted by the OP that this is the case. Yet you think she's lying/exaggerating. I stated I was confident it was a laziness issue, and not just being forgetful issue, if this has gone on for 11 mths. I can only go on what the OP has stated, and given my own experience with my ex, I'm willing to accept this is a genuine issue for the OP. You clearly think the whole post from the OP is one big lie/exaggeration despite the fact she's clearly wound up by it. But then again, RPs only get themselves wound up for no reason to cause arguments and make their ex's life hell. Isn't that the narrative you are reaching for here? It couldn't possibly be a lazy ex who actually doesn't bother his arse with parenting his own kids, could it?

It couldn't possibly be a lazy ex who actually doesn't bother his arse with parenting his own kids, could it?

Well, it could - but then again it might not be.

The OP is thinking the worst whereas other people think differently.

I, for instance, don't think my DSC mum is lazy and can't be bothered to parent her own DCs, I think she chosen to bring up 2 DCs on her own and it's hard work, so sometimes things get missed.

"RPs only get themselves wound up for no reason to cause arguments"

You seem to have trouble sticking to what is actually being said and are wondering into wild projction about RPs in general. I'm not in any position to make any comment about RPs "in general" and so do not, and have not.

"It's been asserted by the OP that this is the case". I think she's exagerrating about the "broken lego", yes. And i think she's projecting about the sex stained sheets.

The OP is exaggerating about the Lego, projecting about the sheets and you question how she can tell teeth aren't brushed every time the DC go to there dads. You haven't actually said 'liar liar pants on fire' but you might as well have allnew. But then I'm having 'difficulty' reading what's been said so what do I know eh? And it's not nearly as fun actually saying the OP is lying, when you can insinuate and 'question' what she's said.

I guess that's what happens when you post in AIBU...

Oh dear god "'liar liar pants on fire' Do grow up

bunch putting the other issues to one side for a moment, if the OP is taken at face value and she has been told by her 5 yr old DS that he sleeps on sheets that are soiled from his dad and G/f having sex, there are some pretty significant safeguarding issues there - he's either been told or witnessed the act that led to the stains at some point in his short life.
Red flag there straight away - the issue of teeth brushing is pretty insignificant in comparison.

YANBU - this would make me uncomfortable too. Mainly because of what China has just posted.

I suppose none of us know if:

• the 5yo has told the OP about the sex/stains
• the OP is making assumptions about the sheets being soiled with sex stains, but the 5yo is unaware

allnew I may be wrong, but I think the OP said in one if her later posts that her DS told her.

How does the fact that it's only once a fortnight so it won't hurt them make it OK?

So he only sees them once a fortnight, but in even that short time doesn't seem to offer them basic care!

OP-if it's just a question of things being done differently, then I think you need to let it go.

But if it's a question of he cant really be bothered with them when they are there, that's another matter.

Do they enjoy their stay with him?

From the OP:

My son age 5 sleeps in their dads bed! With their bedding theyve prob had sex in! And their dad and his gf sleep on the sofa.

Key word here is 'probs' all supposition and hysteria. They may well be perfectly clean sheets.

But the Op would have their freshly launder kix in a twist if the child was sleeping on the sofa and Ex and new partner retained the bed.

Quite simply, the OP has issues with her Ex and anything will be used as a stick to beat him

If my 5yo told me that he'd slept on sheets which were stained with semen, or that he was aware sex had taken place on, I would be contacting social services on that aspect alone as an absolute priority, not posting on an internet forum interspersed with details about teeth and broken lego.

I thought holly had already established that was just 'supposition and hysteria' allnew? Or have you not quite finished suggesting the OP is lying/exaggerating? Do continue with your dissection though. I'm sure there's more you could post to suggest the OP is one on 'those' exs.

bunch come on, it's either one or the other.

Either the OP was speculating about the stained sheets, in which case, it is quite fair for posters - such as Allnew- to question the accuracy of the other allegations she has made, OR, the OP's first post was accurate and therefore, she is demonstrating a significant degree of poor judgement by continuing to permit her DCs Dad and girlfriend unsupervised access, because there are apparent safeguarding issues.

The speculation that the OP expresses in the first post does provide an implication of the OPs thought process regarding her DCs Dad - lets be honest, it's quite likely that the DCs sit in a sofa where their Dad has had sex, too

You are and you aren't.

I agree with you that not washing and brushing their teeth or changing their underwear is not acceptable, that is basic hygiene and if my kids came back to me like that I would be livid too. Whilst at this age they should be capable of physically doing these things for themselves kids do often forget if not reminded especially when theirs a lot of them and they get engrossed in playing or chatting, it is nothing for him to just tell them not to forget to brush their teeth after breakfast or ask if they have been done, thats what I always do its not hard.

Again only ever feeding Pizza and McDonald's would annoy me a little bit too but as others have said it is only once a fortnight so I would probably suck it up as I would know they are getting fed well in-between, if he was seeing them a bit more often or for more than one night and the doing the same then I would have to say something.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable about the sheets as you don't know for sure that they aren't changing them before hand although given that they are too lazy to even oversee the children getting dressed or cook the occasional meal I can see why you would jump to the conclusion that they haven't done, I would probably assume the same but unfortunately you can't prove this so you have no choice but to let that ride really.

I think you are being unreasonable about the sleeping arrangements but you haven't mentioned the children's genders or the reason why one of them sleeps separately (is it for this reason or just that they won't all physically fit in the one room?). I assume they only have a two bed house as that is all they can afford so whilst its less than ideal it probably cannot be helped and is not going to do them any harm, its only what would happen at a slumber party so as long as the kids are fine with this set up I'd not make a fuss about it.

Again with the toys YABU, for all you know they mithered for that bit of tat. Just have a throw away when broken policy or ask him to keep toys he buys for them at his house so that they have things of their own there for when they visit.

bunch it's only you on this thread who is persisting with some 'them and us' mentality. I have stuck to the points made on the thread. If you want a brawl with someone on the RP v NRP fight you're so determied to persist with, then I suggest you start your own thread. I'm neither, so I wouldn't be posting on it.

Fact is that these children are not getting basic care when they are with their father. If this was happening every day with a resident parent, there would be uproar, so why is it okay if it's 'only' once a fortnight? FWIW I would also object to them being fed crap every time - how hard is it to heat up a tin of soup or something? But the lack of basic hygiene is not acceptable. And the sleeping arrangements are very very odd.

boob I can assure you that there hasn't been outcry in response to my DSC treatment by their Mum - who frequently neglects their basic care as you describe it, expects them to play musical beds to accommodate various overnighters and who relies on take-out food several times a week.

She's a single mum, raising DCs on her own while trying to hold down a demanding job, and she is doing her best.

Why can't the OPs DCs dad be given the same benefit of the doubt?