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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think my kids dad is a waste of time

241 replies

Joanne279 · 28/07/2013 17:38

Hello everyone,

Just after your thoughts...

My kids aged 8 and 5 go to their dads once a fortnight from sat morning to Sunday tea time.

My first issue, are the sleeping arrangements. He lives with his gf and her 2 kids in a 2 bed house. Their dads other child sged 11, my eldest, and his gf kids aged 7 and 9 all sleep in one room. My son age 5 sleeps in their dads bed! With their bedding theyve prob had sex in! And their dad and his gf sleep on the sofa.

My second issue are the hygiene issues. They don't wash. They don't clean their teeth. He doesn't change their pants. He doesn't brush their hair! I have to send 2 changes of clothes and I'm dumped with all the washing when they get home.

My third issue are toys! Broken and dirty toys from the car boot. Today's luxury item was a china money vase with a HUGE Crack all the way round glued back together! Followed by broken Lego covered in pen! Yes you can get bargains from the carboot but every time they come home it's another bag full of crap! They break within hours of being home then I'm left with the tears of broken toys :(

I'm at my wits end. I've tried asking him about the issues and I've tried yelling but he just won't address any issue!

Seriously, am I being a bit of a snob, or is he falling a bit short of a decent standard?

Thanks.

OP posts:
bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 28/07/2013 20:59

There was me explaining how Disney dads weren't being excused and china cups comes along and does exactly that Hmm

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 28/07/2013 21:01

kim I'm sure I'm not the only one who has realised while on a weeks holiday that the DCs didn't wash/brush teeth one night!

The OPs DPs Dad has a new routine with his family and I know I would struggle to integrate more DCs into our homelife every other weekend without things slipping!

kim147 · 28/07/2013 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 28/07/2013 21:04

bunch thing is, I've done what the OPs DCs Dad is doing, i struggled to remember routine, and my DD is with me 50% of the time!

Perhaps I should have called SS about my own abilities?

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 28/07/2013 21:04

China this set up has been going on for 11 mths. How long would you excuse this father then?

kim147 · 28/07/2013 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 28/07/2013 21:07

We all forget stuff occasionally china, but to not remember once over 11 mths?

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 28/07/2013 21:11

bunch but its one night/morning every two weeks - so no chance for the DCs to learn and unlikely that it will become automatic for Dad because its only 24 times a year - interspersed by 13 days each time!

It took me about 3-4 weeks after DD was born to 'remember' to change DD automatically - and she was with me 24/7. If I'd only had her with me once a fortnight, she probably would have been out if nappies by the time it became 'automatic' to me!

Perhaps Dad should write a checklist or other prompt - but I can only reassure the OP that it wasn't 'laziness' in my case, just lack of familiarity.

jellycake · 28/07/2013 21:17

Can I have a go at this one from both angles as I have been a step mum and I send ds to his dad's.
Can I say that it is incredibly difficult trying to get the children to wash etc, I don't know about you but my own son needs an enormous amount of nagging to wash and brush his teeth and he's nearly 14 now. As a stepmum you try but I didn't feel that it was my place to make an issue about it. Mr Jellycake was always being the wonderful weekend dad which I had a whole other issue with and wouldn't push them to stay clean etc.
Now the shoe is on the other foot as Mr Jellycake is with someone else I have to work really hard not to make all these things an issue but as long as ds is happy to go to his dad's and happy to come home I try not to go ott about it. Are you sure that this is really the issue and there's not underlying issues. Believe me there are other fathers who are far more useless, at least he sees his children...

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 28/07/2013 21:18

China, you are comparing what a new mum goes through in the 1st few weeks after birth, when exhausted from the birth/feeding/days turned upside down, to a father who previously lived with his children for at least 6 yrs if my maths is right, who moved on with a family with similarly aged kids who I would imagine also need to be cleaned/brush teeth/change underwear etc. Its hardly the same thing is it?

I don't personally think the OP is U for feeling the way she does but I think she has to deal with things differently if she wants to keep her blood pressure in check. But I cannot excuse the fecklessness of this father in the way you are trying to. It's not rocket science, and I think after 11 mths of this, I'm fairly confident it is a laziness problem rather than him just being very, very forgetful.

HeySoulSister · 28/07/2013 21:20

Op maybe you could give them a sticker chart for them to take with them and give the special stickers for dad to dish out

This way he remembers and won't feel judged (protects his ego a bit whilst you get what you want)

Beastofburden · 28/07/2013 22:45

I think the OP is feeling very hurt and upset by the situation and there is clearly history around hygiene and general values of the kids' father. OP, I can see that in an ideal world you would just say no staying over, but that isn't really an option. Nor is reforming him.

In the short term, I would only worry about safety issues, such as the nine year old supervising the others, and I would say something there.

Junk food and dirt- well, none of us would run our homes that way. Your kids can be trusted though to decide which they prefer. If they grow up deciding that clean and healthy is the way to go, that is a good lesson for life. Without actually slagging off your ex, you can all still have a good giggle about the state of them when they get in. I think it's the frustration and the history, which has got to you. Trust me, if they go camping with the scouts or guides later, they will come home dirtier than you could ever imagine, and you won't mind at all.

Try to have confidence that your parenting is what counts, and that your ex is probably not going to get any more competent at it, but he is not your problem any longer. You are not responsible for him, and his incompetence does not reflect badly on you.

ForgetfulNameChanger · 28/07/2013 22:53

china, I think it either takes an incredibly lazy person or an incredibly stupid person to not realise for 11 months that their child might need their teeth brushing, hair brushing or a wash. Not knowing the child's routine is not a valid reason to not know that a child needs to follow basic human hygiene.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 28/07/2013 23:01

forgetful I always remember after my DD has gone to bed that I should have reminded her to make her packed lunch for the morning.
It's something she needs to do four evenings every fortnight, and has done for the last 3 years - and yet I still forget nearly every time, even though I know she needs to eat!

Maybe I'm just incredibly stupid, or very forgetful - but it certainly means I'm not perfect!

ForgetfulNameChanger · 28/07/2013 23:07

china, good for you. That doesn't mean that this man isn't lazy or stupid too :)

squoosh · 28/07/2013 23:30

YANBU.

The hygiene issues would really bug me, bit baffled as to why people are making so many excuses for him, he sounds completely lazy.

But in the interests of your blood pressure maybe you need to make your kids responsible for their own teeth cleaning and pant changing.

allnewtaketwo · 29/07/2013 06:17

I do wonder how the OP can know though that the teeth haven't been cleaned there in 11 months, or that the DS has slept on soiled sheets for 11 months. It's just not even possible for her to know that.

urtwistingmymelonman · 29/07/2013 06:58

joanne.i completely sympathise with you.
I posted on here a couple of weeks ago about what gos on at my sons dads and was flamed!
if hes not making them clean there teeth and wash then that is neglect.
a pp poster said that one day of not cleaning their teeth wont hurt.
really?
why cant he be arsed to make them clean their teeth when he only has them once a fortnight for godsake?
and my sons dentist has told me that you need to help and supervise childrens teeth brushing until they are at least nine.
I also agree that if it was the mother neglecting her childrens hygene there would be a whole different response.
on the subject of the toys however I think yab a little bit u.
it seems that some people find it acceptable that only mums with custody need to make an effort with parental duties and that when the children go to see their dads at the weekend he can be as lazy and neglectful as he bloody well likes.

urtwistingmymelonman · 29/07/2013 07:00

allnew.
as a mum who cleans her sons teeth I can tell if they have been cleaned or not.

allnewtaketwo · 29/07/2013 07:26

Hmm not sure I could unless he'd been eating some if those awful fluorescent sweets.

And what about the soiled sheets?

urtwistingmymelonman · 29/07/2013 07:35

my son used to come back from his dads at the weekend and didn't tell me that he wasn't cleaning his teeth but when I went to clean them that night they looked yellow and furry!
when I asked his dad he admitted that he hadn't been cleaning them as son made a fuss about it and it was 'hassle' getting him to do it.
he was only three at the time.
if I gave up trying to get my son to do anything everytime he made a 'fuss' he would never clean his teeth,eat,get dressed for school,do his homework etc.
having to nag your children for their own good is a part of parenting unfortunately and people who don't bother because it is too much hassle are lazy parents.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 29/07/2013 08:39

Allnew, why are you questioning how the OP can tell if teeth have been brushed? I can tell if my DD has brushed her teeth or not because you can see the built up plaque from not brushing. I can also tell if my DD has been washed because she has eczema and she comes back scratching more through the lack of care over her skin. I can tell that she's not had her hair brushed because of the amount of knots in it when I have to brush it. I know all of this without even asking my DD if she's brushed her teeth, had a wash or brushed her hair because I know the difference, what with being the parent who has to do all of these things.

As for the soiled sheets, I'm taking that as an assumption based on the OP's overall view of things at her ex's. She won't know one way or another if they are clean sheets or not, but I'd doubt someone would change their bedding for the sake of a child visiting if they demonstrated the level of laziness this father has.

Its fair enough to suggest OP. has no way of knowing that, but not on IMO to suggest she cannot tell if her children have brushed their teeth, hair, washed or changed their underwear. It's called being a parent who gives a shit about their child's welfare.

urtwistingmymelonman · 29/07/2013 08:44

what you said buncha.

allnewtaketwo · 29/07/2013 08:53

I purely questionned it because a number of posters have confidently asserted that he hasn't brushed their teeth once in 11 months.

And I guess my impression is that the OP appears to contain some exagerration/projection. E.g. "broken" lego, the state of the sheets on the bed, which she could not be aware of.

HollyBerryBush · 29/07/2013 09:04

It's all a bit hysterical for what is to all intents and purposes a 30 hour visit (Sat morn till Sunday afternoon).

It's not and endless diet of pizza and McDs - its one meal a fortnight. I dont think anyones teeth fell out because they forgot one brushing. In a house that crowded, missing one bath a fortnight isnt going to render someone 'stinky' either.

The over crowding would be my issue, lack of privacy and christ knows how many other unrelated children all vying for the fathers time. It doesnt seem like there is any quality to these visits - but if the children enjoy them, then they continue