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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand couples who can't go anywhere without each other

185 replies

arabesque · 25/07/2013 13:45

It's nice to see couples who are close and share lots of interest. But sometimes it can go a bit far. I have a friend and if you want to meet up with her you have to accept that her DP is going to come too; even if it's just 'the girls' meeting up for a chat.
Every Christmas in work there are arguments and sulks regarding whether or not partners can come to the office party with one girl refusing to attend if her husband can't come as well!

AIBU to just not get why some couples cannot have any kind of separate life, separate friends or separate interests?

OP posts:

PaulSmenis · 26/07/2013 11:36

at MIL issues. This a very good reason for spending certain times of the year apart. It also gives me the time and space to be a total slattern for a few days without getting all guilty and feeling judged by DP! It's a win win situation for me at least!

JewelFairies · 26/07/2013 12:03

I used to know a couple who even went to the loo together. Honestly, why?
I wonder if this is a control thing? (He finally got away from her by taking his own life.)

I also know a couple who will always come to children's parties as a family. The couple don't speak to each other at all once there, but always turn up together. Again, I wonder if she doesn't trust him (she may have a point, he tries it on with other women even if she's nearby).

And joint email addresses just give me the creeps, or worse, a woman only sending and receiving email from her husband's account.

Fourwillies · 26/07/2013 12:12

I had a friend like this, who was suddenly swept off her feet and insisted on dragging LoveOfHerLife everywhere. Including my girls only birthday dinner, a Colour Me Beautiful party and a candle party. The ignorant dickhead sat there making loud rude comments about how shit it was alternating with attempts to grope friend. It was ghastly.

They're not together now.

Treagues · 26/07/2013 12:14

I go on holiday once a year with friends, no dh. I love it. He travels for work and adds on a couple of days as a holiday sometimes. He loves it. Neither of us minds. The rest of the time we are together.

I find it a bit sad when I can't see friends on their own occasionally, no partners. The conversation is different. Always being in a couple limits things and indeed sometimes you don't get to see a particularly lovely side of a person. I'm remembering a friend who always went places with his girlfriend, and then one night she was ill and stayed in, so he came to the pub and talked so beautifully about her and why he loved her: wouldn't have happened at a boring old couples-out-for-drinks evening.

Also, frankly, sometimes the partners are right cocks, and it's sad to let a friendship slide.

lainiekazan · 26/07/2013 15:19

at notion of bloke at a candle party!!!

Lottapianos · 26/07/2013 15:25

This used to be me - partner would come along with me to cinema with friends, pub with friends, dinner with friends. He was an abusive pig who was jealous of me having friends and thought I was going to be off and at it with every bloke I laid eyes on so sometimes it was easier to invite him along just for a quiet life. If I insisted on going out without him, 9 times out of 10 he would just show up at some point in the evening anyway. It was mortifying and I hated it.

Not saying this is the case for everyone who always shows up with their DP of course!

josephinebruce · 26/07/2013 15:37

I did the whole joined at the hip thing in my early 20's with the X. All our friends were couples and we all went out together as couples. Then I left the git and suddenly didn't get invited anymore!!!! In the last 2 relationships I've had we've gone out together and also done out own thing and it feels so much healthier. I've also found that I still get invited out after the break-ups too!!! Lol.

googlyeyes · 26/07/2013 16:06

I think there's a huge difference between wanting to spend a lot of time together and being utterly co-dependent. The latter is deeply, deeply creepy. FIL is like a huge toddler, trailing after his 'mummy' all the time. He can't decide whether or not to fart without asking MIL's opinion!

It's very dangerous to subsume yourself completely into someone else and lose your own identity and ability to be self-sufficient.

everlong · 26/07/2013 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fourwillies · 26/07/2013 16:15

Or a candle party? What about tupperwear?

higgle · 28/07/2013 13:55

I mentioned to my brother that the Ashmoelum Museum in Oxford was a good place for a family to go because if you have different interests you can split up and look at a huge variety of different things. He said he and his wife wouldn't find that of interest because they would never dream of splitting up in a museum and gallery, they do everything together!

Rollermum · 28/07/2013 20:11

YANBU! Sounds tedious. I love spending time w DH but there are limits!

CaptainSweatPants - no way!! Why would anyone have joint email and FB?

And that ice cream thing is hilarious! Like they are children!

And I've used my exclamation quota for the month.

Bogeyface · 29/07/2013 01:01

I was asked to leave a BBQ last night (not just me, the other guests were as well) because the host was tired, and although the hostess was just getting into her stride she said she needed to wrap it up as "X is very tired so we will be going to bed soon"

I, not realising the significance said "OH sod him! You can stay down here and get drunk with us!" and she looked at me like I had suggested she drink a pint of cat sick.

Bogeyface · 29/07/2013 01:02

I should add that it was 9pm and they are most definitely joined at the hip. Last time we went out and she went to the loo, he asked she wanted him to go with her.......

jammiedonut · 29/07/2013 04:36

There is definitely a difference between wanting and needing that time together. Dh and I both worked 60/70 hours a week, shift work so rarely fot time together for the first couple of years. When we did we were loath to spend that time separately (I'm talking one night a fortnight where we didn't just sleep in the same bed but managed a meal together!). Now that I'm at home with ds and have more free time myself I'll spend the time he's at work with girlfriends etc if they want 'girl time' but any opportunity to spend with dh is precious to me, even though I now see him more than I did in the early days. Obviously I'm flexible and CAN go out for a night out separately, but often I simply don't want to! I tend to think each to their own, if that's how a couples relationship works for them, so be it. Oh and when dh and u get a chance to do a school run together, we do. Ds loves having breakfast with his dad and swinging between us as we walk, and dh is a bit intimidated by the mums, so likes me there as a buffer.
We make sure ds gets quality time with each of us though if that makes a difference.

Mckayz · 29/07/2013 05:12

My DH works abroad for 2 months. So I spend a lot of time without h

Mckayz · 29/07/2013 05:14

Bloody fat fingers!!

So I spend a lot of time without him. But for the 2 months he's home we are pretty much joined at the hip. We do the shopping en famille as I can't drive so I need him to come. We don't usually both do the school run. Unless we are going out afterwards.

kezLOU1977 · 29/07/2013 08:59

My DH and I always go out together, we always have and always will. We enjoy each others company so much and always have the best time when we are together and our friends wouldn't dream of inviting one without the other. As for work Christmas do's, well if I'm not invited then neither of us goes but tbh they usually make an exception because I am so much fun ;)
I think it's great but then this is my 2nd marriage and I made sure I chose someone I could have a great time with because my 1st husband and I rarely went out together and that suited us fine!

HairyGrotter · 29/07/2013 09:04

DP and I are considered to be joined at the hip. However, we're both independent, but enjoy our nights out! We went clubbing on Friday and had a ball, but I also go to festivals with friends and he stays at home.

Being co-dependent is not healthy, but enjoying the company of your partner is great. DP is my best friend and I love hanging out with him, but we have time apart due to work. I wouldn't invite him to a girly night because that would be unfair on my friends, and I doubt DP would enjoy it overly!

imnotmymum · 29/07/2013 09:08

Me and my DH do everything together. Granted not his works do as they all blokey beer dos but he comes to mine. We have the same hobbies and interests and have only spent time apart for the last 19 years when having babies and the hospital chicks him out! We do not have separate nights out as I would hate it without him. Additionally I hate doing lots of things without the kids...

shewhowines · 29/07/2013 10:52

I think it's all very sad that you only have room in your life for one person. Having a second child doesn't diminish your love for the first. Having extra friends and socialising on your own should enhance your life. I find it sad that people don't experience this for whatever reason.

I too think there is an unhealthy aspect to most of it. Insecurity, lack of confidence, dependency and/or controlling behaviour from one half, must be the root even if the parties involved can't see it.

Having said that we share an email account, it just happened that way. I do have my own but it is too much hard work to change everything over now and check two accounts, so I rarely use mine. I doubt people would see us as joined at the hip though.

Sparklysilversequins · 29/07/2013 11:05

How do you manage to shop when he's away for two months mckayz?

MangoJuiceAddict · 29/07/2013 11:27

YANBU. There's more to talk about when together if you have separate hobbies/social groups. I've spent a lot of time without my DH over the years as he was studying and now has a very stressful job. So I've found hobbies and made new friends to keep myself busy. And DD keeps me busy too. Its nice when we have family time with DD and nice when its just DH and I. But I can't think of anything worse than DH coming out drinking with me and my friends!

Still18atheart · 29/07/2013 11:30

YANBU

I hate it, I'm single atm andI love it but I feel like a gooseberry at all social situations even girls night outs.

And even when I'm in a relationship I need my own space and independence. Go do your own hobbies/ see your own friends don't follow me around like a lost sheep.

Mckayz · 29/07/2013 11:45

I do online shopping or spend a fortune in the crappy co-op Sparkly. But I prefer to go to the shop and pick my own food. So we go together.

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