To not understand couples who can't go anywhere without each other

[arabesque]

It's nice to see couples who are close and share lots of interest. But sometimes it can go a bit far. I have a friend and if you want to meet up with her you have to accept that her DP is going to come too; even if it's just 'the girls' meeting up for a chat.
Every Christmas in work there are arguments and sulks regarding whether or not partners can come to the office party with one girl refusing to attend if her husband can't come as well!

AIBU to just not get why some couples cannot have any kind of separate life, separate friends or separate interests?

yes the party thing is rude and weird. you invited the dc not his family.

my ilaws talk in unison too and fil is so controlling. they are very insular. it sounds horrid but I wonder what would happen if one of them wasnt around suddenly as they have no real involvement with the community and are so insular. they are lovely but its something I am aware of.

Nothing wrong with socialising togather and alone and having a healthy combo of both.

But couples who do apsolutly everything togather without fail even things that it is unacceptable to do are quite likely to make me think there is domestic abuse occurring

I was going to add a clause in there saying in the absence of care needs but intentionally left that off due to the higher probability that a disabled person is being abused by a intimate related carer.

We do some things together and some things apart, like most people.

DP won't come out to stuff he's not invited to, and has been to his works dos alone, as have I.

I play darts on a Wednesday night (winter league only), and DP plays cribbage (both winter and summer leagues) same night. We have a babysitter and 2nd person home takes the sitter home (so someone is in the house with the DCs). Very occasionally our respective teams might be in the same pub. If so, we don't interfere with each other's games.

It really doesn't feel right if the various DPs attach themselves to our darts nights.

We do sometimes do the supermarket stuff together, but that is usually because we'll have been out elsewhere together and pop in on the way home. Otherwise I do most of the shopping. And there is absolutely no way in hell would I have DP around for clothes shopping.

Bogey - I never plan go out with a group of friends and not DH, but none of our friends would invite just one or the other of us anyway. We all get on so well that I'd find it a bit uncomfortable if one of us was excluded, unless there was something very personal/special going on. However, on reflection, I think that's mainly because it would affect the way I perceived our friendships, rather than because we object to being separated...

I can remember a couple of occasions (years back) when we were both invited out with a group of his PhD colleagues and I told him to go without me because I was busy studying or just not feeling great, and a few occasions when I suggested that he go on his own to his friend's house to play guitar (something we generally do together) because I thought it would be nice for the two of them to catch up without me. On each occasion, I'd have been a bit sad if he hadn't gone just because I didn't want to.

The only time I've specifically arranged to go somewhere without him was a trip to see Mumford & Sons with my DB, who only had one spare ticket. I had a wonderful time with DB (probably the best time I've ever spent with him) and didn't feel bad about leaving DH due to the circumstances, but I do remember wishing at one point that he could be with us as he'd have loved the gig.

On a similar topic - MIL once offered to pay for DH to go abroad without me (holiday/visiting relatives) when we were both students, living together in a not-great area, hours away from any of our friends and family. We both thought it was very (as did my parents and extended family) - would many people on this thread regard that as clingy?

If you were only living together and young enough to be students then I don't think it's unusual for parents to offer to pay for their son to go somewhere but not his girlfriend. They probably thought your parents could offer to pay for you as you aren't their responsibility and students often change girlfriends. If you had been married it would have been odd. We give money to my stepson who is a student for his holiday but not to his current girlfriend.
I don't see me handing out money to my kids' boy and girlfriends when they are students either. We have enough kids without paying for other people's.

YANBU, me and dp find it very hard to go any where with each other

my best friend and her DH are like this. if I ask to go for coffee on a Saturday that he isn't working she wont come (fair enough- they want to see each other at the weekends) and will rearrange for a Saturday where he is working. she would never come to mine for a drink without him- invitations now go to the 'two of you'. I don't really mind tbh as she does make the effort to see me when he is at work so we do get just us time and he is such a lovely person that I now consider him a good friend too and get on with him as well as I do with her. there is nothing I would say to her that I couldn't say in front of him.

the only time it does kind of get odd is when he goes on his staff night out at xmas best friend and I have to go and have a meal elsewhere in the same town that he is in and then entertain ourselves with a drink or two until his meal is over and we can join him/them for drinks. I don't mind socialising with him but I hate some of his colleagues who are very in your face characters- but I go for best friend, and because I don't get a xmas night out otherwise (self employed)

Nom If we could only afford to go out once every couple of months then yes, we would go (have gone? "Its complicated"!) together. But that is a fact of finances. My Dsis and her DH have a very large disposable income and still only go out with each other or other couples.

Its having the choice to do things seperately but refusing to do anything apart that is weird. Like my BIL will go to their study to surf the internet and she will go and sit with him. She will go to the bathroom to dye her hair and he will sit with her. Its the.....neediness? clinginess? that is a bit odd. The look you get when you suggest to one of these people when you suggest that they do something on their own.....

Bogey - yes, that does sound rather excessive! I find it really hard to imagine people actually living like that...

2rebecca - it wasn't the fact that MIL only offered to pay for him that bothered us. It was the fact that she offered on the basis that he would leave me on my own for a couple of weeks (in a dodgy area, hundreds of miles from anybody we knew, outside of term) to see people we'd previously visited together. We'd been together for years by that point, and had lived together for at least 1.5 years, with a further 1.5 years on the lease, no break clause in the contract.

I really can't imagine ever suggesting that to a hypothetical DS of mine, and I'd definitely advise my DB against doing it to a live-in GF in the same circumstances. From your response, I get the impression that you think it's okay as long as the relationship isn't yet established enough for you to take it seriously - would that be fair to say? Thanks for your reply, it's very helpful - I'm trying really hard to understand MIL's viewpoint on this, and similar things, as I think she and I have very different ideas of what's acceptable within a family.

I used to know this couple who did everything together.
Visit to the dentist or dr, they both went. Pop to the shop, they both went. School drops. Shopping. Meet up for coffee. Work events. School events. Went to bed together. In the house, if he went in the kitchen to get a glass of water, his shadow would be with him. Driving lessons. Interviews.

One of the many arguments they would have, was about the toilet. He would go and she would wait outside the door for him. When she went, she wanted him to wait outside for her.. Hence the arguments.

Really couldn't understand it. Very strange and claustrophobic. No longer together. He got fed up with it.

The school things btw weren't for their dc's. Her mates dc's.. I felt a bit sorry for her in a way to be that possessive of people.

Who goes supermarket shopping for pleasure? Isn't that what Internet delivery is for?

I have two pet whinges- the new partner who suddenly means that your friend can only ever come for a drink if he is away, which he never is; and couples who walk down the street holding hands so we all have to walk in the traffic to make room for them.

Actually, make that three hates- couples who do slurpy kisses and bum pats in public. Get a room, FFs.

I have a friend from work I have known for years...when she was single she was a great laugh, was always happy to be spontanious & meet for a glass of wine down the pub, drop by each others houses etc..well that was until she met her DP, oh my god they have been inseperable ever since. She goes EVERYWHERE with him, & the girly meetups came to an abrupt stop as she "wanted a cosy night in with her man." I even remember phoning her up once, as I needed to drop by her houde & collect my purse that Id left behind. Her response? "Oh Im sorry but Tony is making me Sunday dinner as a treat, can you come tomorrow instead?" So because of Tony getting all romantic over a few spuds & a packet of Paxo, I was left without my cash & cards. Another time Id mentioned to her about organising a hen party for my sis, & would she be able to go? Well of course not, as "I hardly get to spend weekends with Tony, it would be unfair for me to leave him alone on a Saturday night..."
Oh yes, god forbid.

Did I mention they both share the same birthday? Yes, I kid you not.

familiarity and contempt springs to mind

We have a mix of shared and separate interests. We met in a walking club, and our best friends are mutual friends. Generally that's done together, but at the moment I can't go because of our new baby (particularly as the PGP hasn't gone yet) so I'm happy to encourage him to go on his own and carry on. I get a long term benefit from the arrangement as we are more likely to keep it up if one person goes, and in the future I can walk and he has the DCs.

I can still fit Guiding around the DCs. DH is happy about that. We're on camp next week and he's looking forwards to 4 quiet nights on his own.

I once went travelling without him. A friend said "anyone free in Sept and fancies a trip to Mongolia?" I said yes. DH couldn't manage 4 weeks off work (it was a quiet time of year for me and spared me from twiddling my thumbs for a month. The first week was fused with a group holiday, then we parted company in Germany, he went home and I travelled on. I like a chance to miss him- it makes me appreciate him. Oddly we had to fly to Germany on separate flights as he needed a return and I needed a single. He and the friend on the phone booked the last two seats on the plane, so I had to go on another flight later on!

Having had a parent die as a child, it's important to me that we can function separately. Also doing independent things gives more scope for conversation.

I've lived in some rough areas as a student Nom but never anywhere where I wouldn't have managed living alone if my flatmate wasn't there for a few weeks. If it was out of term time and that bad could you not have found someone else to stay with? I'm not sure why your boyfriends parents offering to pay for him to have a holiday was seen by you as such a bad thing.
Most people are only students for a few years and can change relationships quite a bit. Even now we've been married a few years my husband and I have some holidays apart as sometimes we want to do different things or can't get the same time off work.
If in a couple of years when my son is a student he felt he couldn't go abroad on holiday because his girlfriend wouldn't cope without him for a couple of weeks I'd consider her a bit of a clingy drag. You should have more freedom as a student. There's plenty of time to play house later.

One of my friends had an overlap of partners. I don't know if that had an impact on their BOGOF coupledom. It's been five years since I've seen her on her own. We've stopped asking her to events without partners.

Nom, I agree with your pil. I have known my partner for almost 30 years and wouldn't expect ils to pay towards any of my holiday expenses. In fact I wouldn't expect them to pay towards their ds or dgs. In the circumstance you describe, we would consider the £500, a contribution to a joint holiday fund. They sound very generous towards their adult offspring.

My dsis is like this. If I ask here to do anything without her dh she just ums and ahs and then goes no contact till the deadline has passed because she won't go without her dh.

My MIL when ex was younger wouldn't take her dc out on days out when younger because "it's not fair on Dad"

My parents are the same. I remember my Dad sitting me down as a teenager and telling me "me and Mum are a team so I will never argue or go against with her about you, we will be here a long time after you've gone." My Mum was physically and verbally abusive and he never intervened, even when she did it right in front of him that was what he called not "arguing or going against" her.

I think it's ridiculous, I don't speak to my parents anymore and it's fast going the same way with my sister. It affects your other relationships if you're like that.

I don't know the exact quote, but it goes something like, "The children of lovers are as orphans."

Some couples are so conjoined that their dcs feel left out. I know that dh had that experience. In 49 years he has never been anywhere with just his mum or dad. Even when dh instigated a trip as an adult, to the cricket say, mil would either insist on going (and then, surprise surprise, feel ill so have to be taken home) or make a fuss about it and fil would pull out.

My DH is well into cycling and mountain biking whereas I can barely ride a bike, so that is a hobby that is well and truly his. I have been to support him in a few mountain bike races, but that is never any fun as it is always in the winter so is freezing and I see him for about 10 seconds on the circuit!

However, one of friends partners insisted on going to every race and even attended a 24 hour race that they were doing. It was camping and when he had finished his stint she had laid out a picnic rug with cutlery and food (just for him though, not for the other guys!)

He repaid her dutiful devotion by shagging a prostitute on a stag do last year, while she was pregnant.

second time in as many days I have mentioned that on here, my rage about it must be peaking for some reason

I was in a restaurant last night and there was a very young couple sitting at a table near us. He was sitting on a chair and she was on a banquette type seat opposite him. Between courses he would get up and sit beside her and put his arms around her and they would hug and kiss etc.
I hope they're not still doing that in ten years time

ps there was a slightly older couple at the table beside them. You knew, by the way they looked at each other, that they were madly in love. But they were chatting and eating - no public displays of affection, slurping the face off each other in front of other diners etc.
It looked much more romantic and if I was asked which relationship would last I know which I would choose.

LOL @ BOGOF coupledom!

Partly this may be about the way that many people hate being alone, and feel dull, lonely and mis when they are. If you like to be in company most of the time, I can see why you would choose your DP to be with.

People like me need several hours a day by themselves and feel quite ill if they cant get it. For us it would be very hard to do everything with DH/P.

I have a friend who I only ever see with her DP. He is a lovely bloke, but we naver have a girly night. It makes me wonder whether she doesn't want to be alone with me! So it's always my DP, Her DP present. We all get on well and have a laugh.

2rebecca - thank you for the clarification. I suppose we must just be very different people - for us, it's not a matter of managing/coping in that situation, it's a matter of not wanting to be in that position unnecessarily.

I can't imagine wanting to go on holiday without DH, and he wouldn't want to go without me - we don't leave each other alone for days on end if we don't need to, and we much prefer to save nice things for when we can do them together. That's not "playing house", as you so dismissively put it - it's just what comes naturally to us and makes us happy.

I object to being called a "clingy drag", though - as long as a couple is happy with their way of doing things and not hurting anybody in the process, I can't see any justification for being so nasty. I don't think of friends who do travel all over the place as "self-indulgent, wasteful, overgrown children" or label a couple who spend Xmas etc separately every year as "having commitment/MIL issues." If that's really something you would think about a woman who cares about your son and makes him happy, then I hope that your DS's future girlfriends have either a similar outlook to you or (better yet) absolutely no interest in what you think of them.