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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand couples who can't go anywhere without each other

185 replies

arabesque · 25/07/2013 13:45

It's nice to see couples who are close and share lots of interest. But sometimes it can go a bit far. I have a friend and if you want to meet up with her you have to accept that her DP is going to come too; even if it's just 'the girls' meeting up for a chat.
Every Christmas in work there are arguments and sulks regarding whether or not partners can come to the office party with one girl refusing to attend if her husband can't come as well!

AIBU to just not get why some couples cannot have any kind of separate life, separate friends or separate interests?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 25/07/2013 18:29

I find joined at the hip couples weird, probably because if my husband followed me around like a puppy all the time I'd find it annoying and controlling. I like my own space. luckily my husband has similar views. You can enjoy spending time together without always being together and one of those couples who won't even let their partner attend the doctor by themself but has to tag along as well.
I've never invited a friend out and had her bring her husband. If she did then the next time we went out I'd make it clear that the invite was just for her. Feeling unable to have an ice cream unless your spouse has one is just weird. I'm not sure I'd bother to tell my husband if I was out and had an ice cream, in fact I know i wouldn't because I had a couple of days out with the kids last week and had ice creams and didn't mention it. it didn't seem that important.
Surely your self confidence must deteriorate if you never go anywhere alone and it must be hard to decide if the 2 by 2 habit is for enjoyment or necessity.

IneedAyoniNickname · 25/07/2013 18:57

. When his kids are staying with him, she even gets up and dressed to go with him on the school run can't remember who posted this, but I bet his dc hate that! Its certainly the inability that their dad has to do anything without his gf/her dc that makes my own ds1 so sad.

For clarification, sils dh wasnt there when she refused an ice cream.

When I was with my ex we went shopping together, I don't drive, and wouldn't trust him to buy a weeks shopping. Plus we liked doing some things as a family. We also occasionally did the school fun together. I love picking my dc up, and only don't do it if I can't.

I have a friend who's been married 30years ish, him and his wife seem so happy, and so in love still. You can tell by the small glances they give. When me and ex split, and i was having major depressive moments, I asked the friend what the secret to a long happy marriage was. He said hardly seeing each other! When they were 1st married they went to different unis at opposite ends of the country. Her job means she often spends time abroad, and obv goes alone. It means they really value the time they have together. Plus I think they are just one of those 'lucky' couples who are meant to be.

TheRealFellatio · 25/07/2013 19:00

Couples who can't, or couples who don't want to? don't undersandand the first, I understand the second.

Boomba · 25/07/2013 19:05

as a SP, it gets on my nerves on 2 counts;

  1. I dont want to be a gooseberry all the time
  2. now i dont have to put up with my idiot X anymore, i dont want to tolerate everybody elses
Bogeyface · 25/07/2013 19:34

My parents neighbour has done the "replacement" wife three times now. He was remarried after his first wife died within a year, within 6 months of her death he was married to their neighbour (she owned the house) and when she died he had another woman moved in within 3 months. Possibly not a good example though as he is a lazy needy selfish man, but just wanted to point out that it does happen.

HoratiaNelson · 25/07/2013 20:02

Hmmm, I don't think brushing teeth together and going to bed at the same time is weird...it's one of the nicest times of the day Blush me and DH always go to bed together - if one of us has to stay up late working, the other will stay up to get them company.

We are pretty dependent on each other - don't like to be apart from each other that much, but we definitely socialise separately. Just glad when we both are back home at bedtime!

Sprogstersmum · 25/07/2013 20:02

So if you are a joined at the hip kind of couple how do you manage to both go on all the nights out - who looks after the kids? Pre kids me and dh would go out together every weekend now it's more like twice a year cos we need babysitting. However I go out with female friends about once a month while dh looks after the children. I just don't understand how it works on a practical level unless u just don't go out.

Boomba · 25/07/2013 20:12

horatio that brings me out in a claustrophobic sweat, just reading it! Grin

Bogeyface · 25/07/2013 20:12

Sprogster my Dsis will go out but only if her DH is working. He works shifts and if he is not working on the same night that she has been invited out then she wont go. That is the same for a quick coffee in town, she wont do that if he is off. He is the same.

If they are both not at work then they either go together or not at all.

size20knickersandfatter · 25/07/2013 20:21

My Dad moved in with someone 6 weeks after my mum died Shock

We were all very Hmm but he just can't cope with being alone. He and his gf hold hands all the time as well and it's annoying. It means if you're walking with them you have to walk behind or on the road Grin

At least I know my place!

AWeeBitConfused · 25/07/2013 20:38

I have aspergers and I find it helpful to have my Dh with me at social outings.
I'm very jealous of people that can just socialise without the mine field that my aspergers causes for me.
If having my Dh with me gives me a little bit of extra confidence is that so bad really?

Bogeyface · 25/07/2013 21:23

Thats totally different though Wee, as it would be if you were crippled by shyness for example.

I think the OP was talking about people who could spend time alone but choose not to, the sort of people that literally do everything together with no breathing room either way.

NomDeOrdinateur · 25/07/2013 21:27

As TheRealFellatio said, I think you need to distinguish between those who "can't" do things separately and those who "don't want to." DH is my best friend (and was for years before we became a couple) and, like most people, I get to see him less in a normal week than his colleagues do. Therefore, I look forward to spending time with him even if we're doing mundane things.

Neither of us see friends often (mostly due to distance, but also busy/conflicting schedules) but, when we do, we go together. We have similar interests and look for similar qualities in friends, so everybody enjoys themselves. We're both nice people who make an effort to be good company, so I'd seriously have to question my friendship with anybody who objected to the fact that DH and I generally come as a pair.

I can understand why other people might want to do things differently, but I don't see any reason why what we do should be considered odd/irritating/insecure.

SoleSource · 25/07/2013 21:34

We go to the toilet together, I push he wipes. That sort of thing.

AWeeBitConfused · 25/07/2013 21:35

But I don't see how it is different I don't have the fact I have aspergers stamped on my forehead and it's not something I tell people.
So to an outsider it would just look like I choose to do everything with my Dh.
It is a little upsetting that I would be judged as harshly for this as this thread would suggest.

SoleSource · 25/07/2013 21:37

I don't judge you Aweebit I think it is lovely people are together no matter how they choose to spend their time.

Bogeyface · 25/07/2013 21:37

We go to the toilet together, I push he wipes. That sort of thing.

:o

nom I think that you wanting to spend time together is fine, after all a married couple who dont want to spend time together probably are not in a good marriage! But if a girl friend asked you and say 4 other girlfriends out for a drink, would you automatically assume your OH was invited too or would you not go if he wasnt? Its that sort of thing that annoys.

Boomba · 25/07/2013 21:42

do people who do everything with their partners, find they socialise mostly with other couples?

itsallaboutyoubaby · 25/07/2013 21:44

Yes I find this weird, sometimes totally inappropriate too.

I have a friend who is like this with her DH, she has two young boys. If one boy is invited to a birthday party all four of them turn up en masse. So, one 5 year old is invited to party - two adults and one 3 year old stay at the party for the duration. Including house parties, not just ones in halls.

Weirdness!

Nomoredramaplease · 25/07/2013 21:51

I had honestly never considered this behaviour weird. Do all you who spend loads of time socialising without your DH's also go out with them? And if so are you all loaded?

LostLion · 25/07/2013 21:59

Meh, I do everything with DP, we like each others company and have the same friends, I don't see the big deal. We're not the sort of people who do the whole girls or boys night out..... I know it's not for everyone though.

This^^ describes my DH and I too. We do everything together mostly. Now we also drag the kids everywhere too.....so possibly we are guilty of being off-putting to others Blush

itsallaboutyoubaby · 25/07/2013 21:59

I go out with my DH when we have a babysitter. I go out without him plenty. We are not loaded.

I think it's beyond odd for four people to turn up to a party that ONE child has been invited to.

Nomoredramaplease · 25/07/2013 22:03

Yea you're right that is odd, I'm firmly in the drop and run category. Just wondering about how much socialising other people are doing as compared to us. DH and I are lucky if we can afford one night our every other month and it wouldn't really occur to me to spend "my" share of the money going out with my friends and him staying at home and then him doing the same with his friends.

LostLion · 25/07/2013 22:03

So if you are a joined at the hip kind of couple how do you manage to both go on all the nights out

ummm.....we don't go out at night much ever.

itsallaboutyoubaby · 25/07/2013 22:09

It largely depends on babysitting if you have small dc, as well though nomore. We don't have local babysitters - we go out as a couple when my Mum visits, maybe one every 3 months? That usually involves taxis, big dinner and wine

I go out with a couple of friends for dinner maybe one a month or so - I drive so no booze, we go on a week night so use a voucher, it probably costs a tenner.