to say no to this request from a friend?

[TidyDancer]

An old friend is getting married in my home town next month. She has been talking about it non-stop since she got engaged last year and everyone's very happy for her. She sent out save the date cards and all was good.

Invitation time came around, and nothing arrived. I wouldn't normally have asked but since she had sent the save the date, I assumed DP and I were invited.

Turns out nope, we're not, and neither is another of our close friends (also from our hometown). She didn't offer up any explanation for it, other than to confirm that we weren't invited. Fine, her prerogative to invite whoever she likes to her wedding. I was a bit put out, I'll admit, since we'd had the save the date card, but oh well. Our other excluded friend was very upset and had a chat with the bride. During this conversation, friend was informed that the bride sent out the save the date cards knowing she wouldn't invite everyone and seemed to be under the impression that the cards were for the purpose of telling people about the wedding before the guest list had been finished. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's the case? About 20ish people are also not invited.

Fast forward to now, four weeks to the wedding, and the bride has emailed me. No mention at all of not being invited etc. However, she is now requesting my help with decorating the venue. Apparently most people are coming from out of town so she doesn't have much local help and doesn't think she will be able to find the time to do it herself. She also mentioned wanting to keep the decorations a surprise for the wedding guests so doesn't really want to ask for help from the few locals that are invited.

I'll accept not being invited, like I say it's up to her. We have been friends for a long time and it does hurt that I'm not invited but I'm not going to make a scene over it.

But AIBU to refuse her request for help? Does it look petty? My perspective maybe a bit skewed but I think she's being cheeky.

Crying with laughter at some of the responses, especially boozybear!

Seriously though, I would have kept the moral high ground and been very straight, no anger just facts, so she couldn't claim sour grapes or jealousy on your part.

Oops! Don't know what happened there! Cheers Pictish.

She won't give a last minute invitation, I just know she won't. I genuinely believe she feels she hasn't done anything wrong. Plus she has confirmed already that I'm not invited and feels that the save the date concept is something that it's not.

You can't fight someone like that, so I figure I may as well have some fun instead. :)

I cared about the non-invitation in the beginning because I regarded us as friends. Her behaviour has shown that this clearly is not the case, so how she feels about me post the emails is really of little concern to me. If she retells this story, any reasonable person will see it the way you lot have, that she's bonkers and rude. And that's good enough for me.

Have read the whole thread, some of it twice, and I still can't get my head round somebody thinking this was an OK thing to do. How could she possibly think this was ok?

But do ask her to hook you up with some of the gear she's on. That's some good shit!

Jeez Nota, i want what shes on, if theres something outt there thats makes you very thicked skin and have more brass than a brass band.

I fucking want it.....

If the demented mare comes back with an emergency invite, then I think NotAFoodBabyAnymore's response at 23.10 is a good one... though I do like TalkativeJims at 23.13!

I don't want any of the shit she's on... I like my friends and would quite like to keep them thanks!!

So let me get this straight....
You don't like me enough to invite me to your wedding, but you think that I like YOU so much, I would jump at the chance to give up a day of my life to decorate your venue, as a nice surprise for the people that you DO like enough to invite. Does that about cover it?

You'll excuse me if I decline...now kindy go fuck yourself with an oar.

Just chucking together some of the best bits into one. The Op needs a killer parting shot.
All hands on deck!

"I did save that date, however I cannot waive any part of my fee on this occasion".

I think she'll reply so I suspect I will be needing the power of mumsnet for another response!

I think she has asked me because outside of my normal job (I work in the NHS (non medical)) I am an amateur artist and am okay at interior design. This has never been employed in a wedding setting though, so she's stretching things anyway. But that combined with the fact that I am near to the venue is probably all she thought when she asked.

I do very much like the oar response.

I worry that if she retells this story, she's will slant it to paint herself as misunderstood and the victim of you, the bitter and vindictive cow who wouldn't help her on her "special day". People can and do believe anything, that's why manipulative people get away with as much as they do. This is classic manipulative behaviour. They create a ridiculous drama out of thin air (in this case, issuing a cheeky request nobody with any decency would make) and make the other party have to defend and justify themselves in a situation not of their making. You have no way of controlling what she says about you and how she conveys what happened here. You don't say much about what kind of a person she has been, in your experience, in the past. Does she have form for this sort of self absorbed/emotionally unintelligent behaviour? Or is this totally out of character?

Here's what I'd say if I wanted to slant this: "Well, as you know, I was really struggling on numbers for the wedding, and we really couldn't not invite DP's Great Aunt Hilda and his boss (it's his career you know). It was really difficult to leave out TD, but what could I do? I thought she'd understand, you understand, don't you (

Crying with laughter..

Do it but explain you are currently working through some things and so are in your 'carrion phase'.

I saw a film where one character said "I'd just like to be sure we agree what just happened here. Did you ............ and did I ...........? Have I got that right?" Non aggressive, but made the point

Tbh Tidy - my final response would be caustic yet flat. A dismissal. No insults or outrage, just facts.
It's good fun thinking of stuff to write, but ultimately you want to convey that you're cool, but she has behaved like an arse, so must be shooed away.

Job done.

Talkative that is brilliant!

You should hire yourself out !!

And I agree with springperennial.

Dying to know what a 'carrion phase' is please!

Does it involve daubing the walls with shit?

Bootsy, a fellow artist!