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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to say no to this request from a friend?

1001 replies

TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 10:16

An old friend is getting married in my home town next month. She has been talking about it non-stop since she got engaged last year and everyone's very happy for her. She sent out save the date cards and all was good.

Invitation time came around, and nothing arrived. I wouldn't normally have asked but since she had sent the save the date, I assumed DP and I were invited.

Turns out nope, we're not, and neither is another of our close friends (also from our hometown). She didn't offer up any explanation for it, other than to confirm that we weren't invited. Fine, her prerogative to invite whoever she likes to her wedding. I was a bit put out, I'll admit, since we'd had the save the date card, but oh well. Our other excluded friend was very upset and had a chat with the bride. During this conversation, friend was informed that the bride sent out the save the date cards knowing she wouldn't invite everyone and seemed to be under the impression that the cards were for the purpose of telling people about the wedding before the guest list had been finished. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think that's the case? About 20ish people are also not invited.

Fast forward to now, four weeks to the wedding, and the bride has emailed me. No mention at all of not being invited etc. However, she is now requesting my help with decorating the venue. Apparently most people are coming from out of town so she doesn't have much local help and doesn't think she will be able to find the time to do it herself. She also mentioned wanting to keep the decorations a surprise for the wedding guests so doesn't really want to ask for help from the few locals that are invited.

I'll accept not being invited, like I say it's up to her. We have been friends for a long time and it does hurt that I'm not invited but I'm not going to make a scene over it.

But AIBU to refuse her request for help? Does it look petty? My perspective maybe a bit skewed but I think she's being cheeky.

OP posts:
Arisbottle · 21/07/2013 13:41

I did explain but people were still offended. I could not afford to pay for a hall to decorate .

starfishmummy · 21/07/2013 13:41

I can remember my mum's good friend not inviting her to her daughters wedding (Mum had known daughter since childhood) and then asking if she could come and pick roses from our garden to decorate the church.
The garden was full of rosebushes but when the friend came there were remarkably few blooms.......

YellowDinosaur · 21/07/2013 13:41

Delighted with the message you've sent.

CrazySexyCool123 · 21/07/2013 13:42

Someone may have said this already but I know exactly why you were given a save the date but not invited.

She probably has to pay for a minimum of 80 guests to be catered for at the wedding but doesn't really want to pay for any more than this. You are 'B' list. At approx 90% of weddings people will have drop outs. I wouldn't be surprised if you are 'upgraded' once people say they can't make it as she will feel that she is losing out financially. She knows you will be free as you have saved the date.

TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 13:42

Just to clarify on the issue if finances, the bride was quite clear that in her opinion, the purpose of save the date cards is to let people know when the wedding is prior to finalising the guest list. The list wasn't later narrowed down upon realising the finances involved, she never intended to invite everyone who received a save the date.

There is definitely not an issue with cost anyway.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 13:43

Oh, and no reply yet!

OP posts:
JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 21/07/2013 13:44

Arisbottle - are you saying that you invited people to a wedding before you'd organised it and costed it out? I don't quite understand.

oohdaddypig · 21/07/2013 13:47

Crazy, ah I see. Personally I find the practice of last minute invites to weddings horrible as you know you are there to make up numbers. I always decline.

Is that not extremely bad form in itself....

manicinsomniac · 21/07/2013 13:48

It's a great email.

But I don't think she'll reply at all. I wouldn't. I'd just die of shame quietly and never contact the OP again. But it would make sure I never behaved like that again so well worth sending.

QueenStromba · 21/07/2013 13:49

I think TidyDancer may have won Mumsnet with this one - truly shocking.

ReginaPhilangie · 21/07/2013 13:52

You don't need an excuse, just say no. If she asks why just say because you don't want to. If she can brazen in not inviting you then she should expect it back.

Mintyy · 21/07/2013 13:52

Eeeeeek, I must pack for holidays but am now going to have to keep checking back in for the reply.

This possibly tops last week's bridezilla who emailed her friend to say she wasn't inviting her teens to the wedding because she found them annoying because they spoke to adults!

PrivateBenjamin · 21/07/2013 13:54

She's a cheeky bastard! Well done Tidy, can't wait to see if she'll be ashamed or come out all guns blazing about your ungrateful attitude.

Shitsinger · 21/07/2013 13:55

Oh Fab ! Could this pan out like the Takeaway thread did Tidy ? Grin

Arisbottle · 21/07/2013 14:01

No we announced that we were getting married, we both had well paid jobs, but had huge financial commitments so we could not afford a wedding. People assumed we were having a big do, in reality we had the legalities done and then went home .

We did not invite people because there was nothing to invite people to. Some people chose to come and then people got offended as they assumed there was some kind of secret guest list from which they were excluded.

Turniphead1 · 21/07/2013 14:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SisterMonicaJoan · 21/07/2013 14:04

I think the bridezilla with either not reply or will be all faux offended about how YOU are attempting to spoil her day out of jealously from not being invited. Afterall, she took the time to send you a Save the Date card because she knows you would want to know she was getting married, giving you the opportunity to be pleased for her...

toomanyfionas · 21/07/2013 14:06

Outrageous.

So glad you told her straight.

ZenNudist · 21/07/2013 14:11

I've heard of people sending surplus save the dates to people they intended to invite then couldn't afford / couldnt fit in the venue. It's usually a good way to announce 'I actually don't value you as a friend'. IMO it's the same deal for sending good friends evening invites (broadly acceptable for work pals, uni friends you never see, second cousins etc etc). Better no invite than a half arsed one.

Your ex-f wins awards for wedding induced insanity. Good on you for dropping her (from a great height). Grin

FairPhyllis · 21/07/2013 14:11

If there is no issue with cost ... then she can hire someone to help her decorate!

TidyDancer · 21/07/2013 14:11

Shitsinger - I'm always amazed when people remember that thread!

I clearly have grasping relatives and cheeky bastard friends!

I promise you there is some normalcy in my life! Grin

As yet, still no reply!

OP posts:
manicinsomniac · 21/07/2013 14:16

Two of my best friends had "Disclaimer: Being in receipt of this 'save the date' in no way guarantees an invite to the big day itself." printed on the bottom of their save the dates.

But it was a JOKE!

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 21/07/2013 14:16

Tidy - if you haven't heard by a certain time, could you do a chaser and let Bridezilla know you need to get her reply as you have hundreds of followers on Mumsnet dying to know what she says next....? Smile

MrsEdinburgh · 21/07/2013 14:19

Marking my place too...

GemmaTeller · 21/07/2013 14:22

I woudn't even bother giving her an excuse, just say' no, sorry'.

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