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AIBU?

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Original poster

First week back at work from mat leave, H arrives home before me but didn't collect DS from childminder - twice!

103 replies

Jammy321 · 15/07/2013 21:50

Last week I started back at work after one year maternity leave. My DS goes to a child minder, two minute drive away. On Thursday, my trains were delayed and literally turned up a few minutes before 6pm, was rushing to get there and obviously to spend a precious 45 mins or so with my baby. It was DS's first day at child minder and I got back and my H was home, he normally gets back well past 7:30pm. He said he had a head ache and if I wanted him to collect him, I should have let him know I was running late. I had no idea he was even home!! I was even more surprised that H couldn't be bothered to spend time with our baby, particularly given that H had dropped DS off at 7:15am, its a long day for DS. To top it off, H did it again on Friday but instead he left work early and went to our local pub. Got back home around 7:30pm and said he'd been at the local pub. I collected DS on Friday and he was the last lonely looking child there and I ended up getting upset with the child minder. Meanwhile, H was a few minutes away in the pub. I don't think H cares one bit about our son and he thinks I am being unreasonable for being mad at him. I keep saying to him I don't understand and he just says he had a headache. I told him he was selfish and unsupportive, particularly given it was my first week back. What do you think?

OP posts:
PassTheCremeEggs · 15/07/2013 21:54

YANBU.

This would make me absolutely furious! Doesn't seem like he's much of a team player!

McNewPants2013 · 15/07/2013 21:55

Was you late picking up your Son.

LaurieFairyCake · 15/07/2013 21:55

I understand what you're saying but I think you're overreacting a bit.

Once someone gets it in their head they're not doing something (picking up kid) then they don't - I have literally driven past the place where dd is at scouts knowing dh was possibly on way to collect her (road I normally go on shut) - just wouldn't occur to me to deviate.

I'm just saying he might not be doing it because he's uncaring but just because its not in his head to do it Smile

The fact you're struggling with leaving your kid at the childminder is separate and possibly making you sensitive (totally understandable)

How about instead of getting mad you agree that whoever is home first picks up the kid?

WhoNickedMyName · 15/07/2013 21:56

YANBU.

Your H sounds like a selfish twat.

LindyHemming · 15/07/2013 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HenriettaPye · 15/07/2013 21:59

YANBU, I would be furious

AuntySib · 15/07/2013 22:00

Nip this in the bud now, or it'll be your job to do the pick-ups forever. As he is clearly able to leave work early, make it DH's job to collect at least 2x pw. Specify the days- you don't want it to be your reponsibility to negotiate this every day.
FWIW I don't think it means your DH doesn't love your baby,, just that he wanted some time to himself, or maybe didn't even think about it. If he's doing morning drop-offs, maybe he assumes you will pick up unless you tell him different.
BTW, my DH regularly used to forget to pick up our kids from CM/school, even when he knew he was supposed to. Never met a mum who'd forget! I used to get really angry, but nothing really worked - he just wasn't across everything in the same way that I was ( still isn't).

AuntySib · 15/07/2013 22:01

Nip this in the bud now, or it'll be your job to do the pick-ups forever. As he is clearly able to leave work early, make it DH's job to collect at least 2x pw. Specify the days- you don't want it to be your reponsibility to negotiate this every day.
FWIW I don't think it means your DH doesn't love your baby,, just that he wanted some time to himself, or maybe didn't even think about it. If he's doing morning drop-offs, maybe he assumes you will pick up unless you tell him different.
BTW, my DH regularly used to forget to pick up our kids from CM/school, even when he knew he was supposed to. Never met a mum who'd forget! I used to get really angry, but nothing really worked - he just wasn't across everything in the same way that I was ( still isn't).

NeedaWee · 15/07/2013 22:01

Blimey, 7 am to 6 pm

Poor little soul.

foreverondiet · 15/07/2013 22:01

I can see both sides here.

Don't think it unreasonable for your DH to go to a pub if it was your turn to pick up your DS. Again, if I was ill probably would want to leave child in childcare so do see why he did that....

Think probably best if you work out who is taking and collecting on each day, and then if you are running late can text him and ask. If he is running late he can ask you.

Even 10 years in, my DH have different views about finishing work early for any reason - I always rush home, to see kids he never would. However he does always come home on time when I can't.

Annunziata · 15/07/2013 22:02

There's no need for that at all, Needawee.

usedtobe · 15/07/2013 22:04

I'd be upset too. If he gets home before you he should call you and ask if DS needs picking up

My bf does that and that's not even his child.

Kithulu · 15/07/2013 22:04

Did he want to have kids? Did he take an active role before you went back to work?
Sounds like a knob....LTB

Original poster
Jammy321 · 15/07/2013 22:05

We agreed that I do the pick ups but he is never, ever home by 6pm. He works in the city (we both do, so a good one hour plus commute) and he always arrives back past 7:30pm. I'm in at work super early, then leave early. That's like me saying, oh can you take DS to nursery and I can have a lie in, because you do drop off and I do pick ups. I would never do that. If the shoe was on the other foot, I just would not arrive home and sit around, whilst my 1 year old son is 2 mins away in someone elses house, and say well you were meant to pick him up. Gee, I didn't think it would be too much to ask (well, I couldn't even ask, because I didn't eve know he was at home!!)

OP posts:
ballby · 15/07/2013 22:06

Aww c'mon Needawee. He's with a childminder, in a house which is probably homely and full of children, love and fun. Don't be so mean.

Trills · 15/07/2013 22:06

I think you should both discuss and agree who will pick up your child, rather than just assuming that it will happen.

McNewPants2013 · 15/07/2013 22:07

I think it's better to keep the baby in a routine.

I have friends that still use the nursery/childminder when they have booked time off work.

Belchica · 15/07/2013 22:07

I think you are both new to this. Its a very emotional time with lots of change. but don't beat yourself or DH up. Get through the difficult first week or two and then sit down together and write The Rules! Your DH probably just hasnt adjusted to you not being at home yet and is still conditioned to you being DS's primary carer and looking after all his needs. Now that you expect him to share this responsibility, I think he needs sat down and telling. But don't bollock him for what's already happened. Chalk it up and move on...a headache and a Friday visit to the pub aren't worth lots of agro. Just make it clear what's expected of him in future.

And don't worry about DS. If it really was lonely face, it was probably because he was missing his buddies who'd just gone home...and not because he'd been pining for mummy all day.

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom · 15/07/2013 22:07

I agree ,he needs to have at least one day where it is his job. Or he'll forever see it as yours except in cases of 'a favour'.

If he came home sick I have some sympathy -depends how ill he was. The pub stuff is knobbish though. If you are off to the pub, you agree it when there is a child to be picked up. Shows again that he sees your DS as your responsibility, not a joint one.

Mimishimi · 15/07/2013 22:07

YANBU at all but why did you get upset with the childminder? It's not her fault yours was the last child left...

AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom · 15/07/2013 22:08

Hang on, does he do drop off every day?

Original poster
Jammy321 · 15/07/2013 22:12

I didn't get upset as in angry at the child minder, I meant emotional and teary because I was the last mum to pick my child up and felt terrible about it. I think it really goes to show how bloody selfish and uncommitted he is, really because it was my first week back at work and it's not like he came back early (and not pick up DS) to whip up dinner or make it a little easier for me, it was a head ache (not migraine) and then the pub. Gee, I would have loved to go to the pub on Friday, particularly given it was my first week back. I still cant get my head around how he just couldn't give a damm.

OP posts:
aquashiv · 15/07/2013 22:19

Agree discuss agree .I f you are paying for a child care and therefore if either of you want to have some time off then so be it.
Your child will not be damaged by this but your relationship will if you don't discuss and find an agreement.

McNewPants2013 · 15/07/2013 22:19

I take it you are out of the house before your son wakes up, so your husband wakes DS up and gets him ready for the childminder and then goes to work. Then you pick him up and gets him ready for bed.

I suspect from your point of view if DH is home early it would better DS spending time with a parent rather than the childminder. which is NU

Tigresswoods · 15/07/2013 22:25

Was it your first week back?