First week back at work from mat leave, H arrives home before me but didn't collect DS from childminder - twice!

[Jammy321]

Last week I started back at work after one year maternity leave. My DS goes to a child minder, two minute drive away. On Thursday, my trains were delayed and literally turned up a few minutes before 6pm, was rushing to get there and obviously to spend a precious 45 mins or so with my baby. It was DS's first day at child minder and I got back and my H was home, he normally gets back well past 7:30pm. He said he had a head ache and if I wanted him to collect him, I should have let him know I was running late. I had no idea he was even home!! I was even more surprised that H couldn't be bothered to spend time with our baby, particularly given that H had dropped DS off at 7:15am, its a long day for DS. To top it off, H did it again on Friday but instead he left work early and went to our local pub. Got back home around 7:30pm and said he'd been at the local pub. I collected DS on Friday and he was the last lonely looking child there and I ended up getting upset with the child minder. Meanwhile, H was a few minutes away in the pub. I don't think H cares one bit about our son and he thinks I am being unreasonable for being mad at him. I keep saying to him I don't understand and he just says he had a headache. I told him he was selfish and unsupportive, particularly given it was my first week back. What do you think?

Do the two of you not have mobile phones to communicate? How was your husband supposed to know that your train was late and your ds needed collecting? And why would you assume he had collected him, without informing you? Suppose you had turned up and your ds had already gone from the cm? Why are you not keeping each other informed of your whereabouts at the end of the day?

I would be angry too OP. If he is going to be this rigid about pick ups, I would do nothing in the morning other than get ready and go to work. He should be getting your ds up, dressed and off to cm if you have to pick up every single night (even when he is sitting at home). He has got used to you doing all childcare because you were at home and things have to change now you are both working.

It's not about him collecting instead of the OP is it, though?

It's that he could have had some alone time-or even just time with his own child who he doesn't see that often, & went to the pub instead!

Not only that, on the times he was early, he didn't start dinner or do anything at all!

Fat I disagree. Why is it a competition? It should be played by ear....I mean a pick up is hardly stressful! It's not like packing a bag, feeding a child, getting them into car and all before work!

You need to remember that this is a new arrangement for DH too ? he is used to you being at home with the baby, it probably never crossed his mind that he could pick him up early.

I also suspect you?re feeling a bit emotional because of going back to work. Sounds like you feel guilty that you are leaving him with the childminder, and that if you (or DH) can reduce that you should do so!
Looked at from another point of view, maybe it?s better for DS to get used to his routine (e.g. to learn he leaves after he?s had tea) rather than picking him up at random times so he never quite knows when you are coming.

I also suspect that once you?ve got used to your new routine that you won?t be rushing off to pick DS as soon as possible every day ? you?ll stop off on the way home to do some shopping if you have time, or put him in childcare when you?re not working so that you can get jobs done ? thoughts that probably seem entirely alien atm.

A pick up is stressful when you have to rush out of work, hope train on time, you're cutting it fine if train is delayed, might just make it in time...only to find your dh is sitting chilling out at home before strolling off to the pub!

And OP's dh doesn't feed child or pack bag either because OP does that! All he does is put child in car, drive to destination 2 mins away!

The crux here IMO is that mums think differently to dads. Mums think constantly about how to do x with y time and kids.

Dads IMO generally seem to think how do I do x with y time. It's not they don't love their kids. Dads just appear to think differently altogether. I have had several fall outs with dh and I'm just about after 2.5yrs and two kids coming round to the idea that he just thinks differently.

I don't think he does it to push my buttons!

HMmm....DH collects DD from the CM at 5.30, and if I finish before that then I collect her and will message him to say so. Sometimes Im there only fove.minutes before he is. but I wouldnt drive past without getting her.

Stuff like drinks after work etc are usually pre arranged, even if on the day. IT is a long day for your ds, and would be nice if he could get home a bit earlirr every now and again.

You are overreacting big time.

A headache that is bad enough to do an hours commute is bad. Maybe not a migraine, but still damn painful. He'd have been grouchy and not playful - much better for your son to be with the Cm.

Then he wasn't at home, he was at the pub. Where presumably, you wouldn't want your son.

He got home early twice. It's rare, so not worth changing arrangements over, and he thought you had pick up covered. If anything, the only thing you could beaannoyed about is that he didn't tell you he was home. And that's clutching at straws.

I'd understand if he just took holiday but didn't help, but that isn't what has happened.

He sounds selfish and unsupportive to me. For the first time in yonks he comes home early and rather than make your life easier he sods off to the pub! I'd be fuming.

I think plans need to be agreed upon so that DH knows what you expect of him. I agree with other posters who say it wouldn't have occurred to him to pick DS up. What you have to remember is that while your life has completely changed since you started back at work, DH's life is still basically the same.

You need to talk to DH about what you want him to do and how he can support you. Going from full time at home to working full time is a massive transition and you need his support. Good luck to you.

People are really overreacting here. Selfish and unsupportive for sticking to the original plan?! Really? Get a grip, people.

CM is paid for and will get paid even if DS is picked uo early. OP arranged to pick DS up, so why would DH assume to intervene and do it himself? It's best for DS to be in a set routine (ie. gets picked up after tea at a certain time) than for things to chop and change randomly because SOMETIMES his dad might get off early.

I dont think you are over-reacting at all. Sounds to me like life hasn't really changed for him since having a child. It doesn't for many men quite frankly.

So I would make sure that you communicate and if he is going to be back early make it clear that he should let you know and you will agree what the plan should be. It may be then that you can stay at work and catch up a bit if he picks up DS. IF may even be, god forbid, that you can have a drink after work with colleagues.

But if you let responsibility for DS become solely your responsibility then you will be stuck with that from here on in.

I think it is strange that he only makes it home early once, in the whole year of your maternity leave yet manages it twice in the first week you are back. Are you sure he wasn't one of those men who would stay at work/sit in a Layby/go to the pub, deliberately, to miss the chaos of home with small kids and the work involved putting them to bed?

It's not unusual, OP.

I used to child mind a lovely little boy full time whose parents both worked. Mum had a week long residential course, so she told me that the dad had taken a week's leave as well to spend some much needed time with his son. She said he would probably bring the boy in for a few hours a couple of times during the week for continuity.
Didn't see him on the first day, but from Tuesday onwards, the boy was back here full time whilst the dad went off to play golf. He asked me not to mention it to mum when she returned!

It transpired that the boy had spent most of Monday sobbing and asking for me and the other children in my setting, and dad had thought he would have a better time with me.

On another occasion, one of the dads had been working away abroad for a week and was coming back at lunchtime on the Friday. The mum said that he would pick the children up early at 3pm on his way back from the airport as he would have missed them so much.
At 4pm, I called the dad to ask where he was. He was sitting in his front room in his house watching an important international football match, having driven right past my house to get home. His kids were sitting with their welcome home cards by my front door.

Don't want to generalise, but I see it all the time.

I was thinking that too shewhowines. Are you sure he hasn't been down the pub on other Friday nights when you were on ML?

And can I ask why you always pack your DS's bag etc for the CM? It seems to me a bit as if you've done all the caring for your DS in the past year and your H has just got used to the arrangement where you do all the work and he gets to be part-time fun dad.

At weekends, does he get up with DS so you get a lie-in/change his nappy/take him out etc?

I think you are over reacting

The arrangement is that you pick the children up end off.

so in his head its just not something he is expected to do

He came home early because he was ill - well I woldnt have rushed to get my own children if I was too ill to work myself

the other day he went to the pub so still was unable to get him

I think you are feeling anxious becuase YOU feel guilty about leaving hin whuch is perfectly normal

the other day he went to the pub so still was unable to get him

Seriously??

He is a father now. He should at least think about picking up his child. He could at least ring you to check.

DS having very little impact on his life and thinking I'd say. Nothing to do with your guilt feelings. DS has TWO parents.

I don't buy this 'men and women think differently' stuff. Men get the privilege of not having to think about lots of the logistics during maternity leave because their partner is there to do it, and does it. That doesn't mean that men as a whole just don't think about their kids, worry about them, want to spend more time with them when they get a rare chance to do so. My DH does all these things. The men who don't think about this stuff don't do it because they see it as someone else's job.

shewhowines that's what I thought as per my post above.

malovitt that is a really sad story about the kids waiting for their dad.

"the other day he went to the pub so still was unable to get him"

But surely he chose to go to the pub??!!

I think for a lot of mums, we just don't get how children aren't as at the forefront of fathers thoughts as they are with us.

OP misses her son whilst working & her first action if given the chance would be to collect him early therefore having more time with him.

Her husband doesn't think like this & it's upsetting when someone gets the chance to do what you would love to do & doesn't bother.

Not only that, he's still only thinking about himself-not as being part of a family.

"We agreed that I do the pick ups but he is never, ever home by 6pm. "

The reason he is coming home early now, and he never did before, is because DS is now at the childminder. He is not "making an effort to come home early so he can spend time with his child," he is "leaving work earlier so he can have some non-working time to himself without having to look after his child."

It would make me sad and yes I do think he is letting the side down but TBH I do understand it.

If you agreed that you would do the pick ups then, unless something changes that you have communicated then it is for you to do.
If you had said to him "if you're early, could you pick him up and let me know" then that's different.

If nothing else, you turn up at CM, he's picked up the dc, you burst into tears because you were looking forward to seeing ds's happy face upon seeing you... I've known this happen.

The coming home ill, I don't think he should have picked up, coming home to the pub, if it's a rare thing, then I wouldn't worry. If it starts to be weekly, then object.

In all honesty (with 3 dc now so less pfb) If dh had agreed to pick up and I came home a little early, I probably would not pick up, but would go and have a few minutes to myself.
These moments are rare when you have a tiny, and what can stop you going insane when they're small and so needy. I love my dc and love being with them, but I really treasured bath time because I had 10 minutes where I knew I wasn't going to be disturbed. It meant that I was much better with them for knowing I could have a short break.

I think it's sad-it's the LO's first week at the CM & his own father went to the pub, rather than pick him up & have time with him!