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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First week back at work from mat leave, H arrives home before me but didn't collect DS from childminder - twice!

103 replies

Jammy321 · 15/07/2013 21:50

Last week I started back at work after one year maternity leave. My DS goes to a child minder, two minute drive away. On Thursday, my trains were delayed and literally turned up a few minutes before 6pm, was rushing to get there and obviously to spend a precious 45 mins or so with my baby. It was DS's first day at child minder and I got back and my H was home, he normally gets back well past 7:30pm. He said he had a head ache and if I wanted him to collect him, I should have let him know I was running late. I had no idea he was even home!! I was even more surprised that H couldn't be bothered to spend time with our baby, particularly given that H had dropped DS off at 7:15am, its a long day for DS. To top it off, H did it again on Friday but instead he left work early and went to our local pub. Got back home around 7:30pm and said he'd been at the local pub. I collected DS on Friday and he was the last lonely looking child there and I ended up getting upset with the child minder. Meanwhile, H was a few minutes away in the pub. I don't think H cares one bit about our son and he thinks I am being unreasonable for being mad at him. I keep saying to him I don't understand and he just says he had a headache. I told him he was selfish and unsupportive, particularly given it was my first week back. What do you think?

OP posts:
Nagoo · 15/07/2013 22:32

When the kid is two you'll be secretly taking days off and leaving them in nursery just to get some headspace.

4 a year, and I bloody love them.

YABU. But I get you, it's the guilt thing.

Seriously, at some point, going to fetch your kid out of their paid childcare early so you can spend time with them is not going to feel like a treat.

thebody · 15/07/2013 22:36

of course he cared about his baby but men do see things differently.

you have been off with him for a year and have just gone back to work and relinquished him to a childminder, that's emotionally hard.

your dh's life hasn't changed as much as yours has recently as he's used to being away from his child at work.

calm down and talk to him tell him how you feel but be premiered to listen to his views too, I suspect he will see it that you pay for child are to a given time so why collect early.

as an ex cm I can tell you kids thrive in any good loving setting.

this parenting is an emotional business.

Pigsmummy · 15/07/2013 23:11

You need to communicate with your husband. How long does "hi DH running late so can you pick up our child from child minder, see you at home x" actually take to say or type?

farewellfarewell · 15/07/2013 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairylea · 15/07/2013 23:29

Yanbu. I would be furious too.

SirBoobAlot · 15/07/2013 23:31

Don't think you can be annoyed with him on the day he had a headache, really, but the pub thing would really annoy me.

You need to speak about all this now, before it gets bigger.

thebody · 15/07/2013 23:32

see I don't get it's awful at all. you pay for child are and you use it!

being awful is getting off work early but collecting child late from the setting.

obviously the op is emotional now as its bloody hard to return to work and use child are for the first time but her dh is used to doing this.

they do need to talk but painting the dh as evil etc is just silly really.

Turniptwirl · 15/07/2013 23:35

I think you're overreacting since it had been agreed as your job to collect ds. Sit down with dh and explain you think if he finishes early he should pick up ds (and let you know). Agree on a day or two per week for him to do this regularly if you can.

Dilidali · 15/07/2013 23:42

I would have had his head, no ifs, no buts. Yes, make a mistake/ have a headache etc once, fine. But going to the pub when you know your kid is at a childminder, I can do a bit of origami and I know exactly what I would have used!!!! Nip it in the bud!
It's fine him going to the pub/gym etc, but wait a bit, put your kid to bed.
My husband is of the same opinion, by the way, he had no bussiness in the pub while his kid was at CM.

JADS · 15/07/2013 23:51

See I am on the fence here op.

My dh used to finish work between 4.30 -5. Our ds was with the cm until 6pm. He would come home first for an hour then pick up ds. When I picked him up, i would be rushing to get him for 6. His arguement was that he had paid for it so he would use it. As an aside, the cm gave them their tea at 5.30 and ds ate much better with the other kids so I wasn't too concerned about the 6pm pick up. If the cm charged by the hour rather than the day, I would put my foot down.

So I can see why you are annoyed esp with him going to the pub, but I also see where he is coming from

JADS · 15/07/2013 23:56

Sorry I didn't realise ds was only with the cm thursday and friday. That is a bit off.
Why is he suddenly finishing early?

holidaysarenice · 16/07/2013 00:03

Your husband is already doing half the drop offs/pick ups, so really you wanted him to do 3/4's last week. Yabu

BackforGood · 16/07/2013 00:17

I think you are over reacting too.
It's my dh's job to drop off (at school breakfast club in our case) and my job to make sure they are collected, or safe elsewhere after school. If there is some reason why he can't drop off, then it's his job to let me know that I am covering... he doesn't expect me to know this by thought transfer. If I need him to collect them from anywhere, I let him know, as, once again he doesn't know this by thought transfer.
If he came home ill, I wouldn't expect him to collect the dc - in fact,I would be mightily annoyed to turn up to collect them only to find them gone.
However, until we know if he does the drop offs and you collect, or if you are trying to do it all, it's more difficult to know about the pub being U or not (I suspect it is, but then have never worked in a culture where everyone toddles off to the pub at the end of the week).

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 16/07/2013 00:28

I also wondered why he was finishing early, and it makes me wonder whether he has done this at other times you don't know about. 7.30 is late to get home with a very young child, and may mean that parent never seeing the child in the evenings. If he is now finding that he can leave earlier after all, I think he ought to be spending that time with his son, with trips to the pub as an occasional thing - not his first course of action when he gets an early dart.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/07/2013 07:10

Why -if he has done what you agreed- are you mad with him?

RobotBananas · 16/07/2013 07:47

Sorry, but I'm failing to see the problem here. He does drop off, you do pick up. He didn't know you were running late, and it prob didn't occur to him to get your DS. The pub is a separate thing, but also not a problem.

For some reason he managed to leave work early twice this week - is this likely to happen often? Sounds like the set up you have will work well, and this is more about going back to work and worries about leaving DS .

He could have started dinner though

NewAtThisMalarky · 16/07/2013 07:54

I suspect that your husband is on a lose lose here. Pick him up and you'd have been mad that your son wasn't there when you got there, leave him as per the plan and he has done the wrong thing too.

MrsMelons · 16/07/2013 08:14

I don't think it is too much to expect for him to have called/texted you to say he is leaving early and would you like him to collect DS but if he had a headache maybe he just thought as you had already arranged to collect it wasn't an issue.

The thing I find odd is that I know my DH would call to let me know he was leaving early as was unwell, I would assume that was normal communication between couples, also I don't think I would have an issue re the pub either as long as he told me, if I was the one having to do all the rushing around after work the least I would expect him to do is check first!

Original poster
Jammy321 · 16/07/2013 08:14

Whilst I was off on mat leave, I can remember once if that, that H came back home before 6pm. He just never does, its always passed 7:30pm. Yes, H does the drop off in the morning, but our DS is awake before 6am, I give him a bottle then, dress him and get him ready, get myself ready and am out the door at 6:30am, which is when H gets up himself. H literally just does the 'drop off', I pack DS's bag the night before and H just drives DS there.

The problem is that I thought he would use his initiative and think to make things a little easier for me, particularly on my first week back at work, that he could have collected him. He chose not to. And god forbid, I actually thought he might like to spend an hour with his son, get him ready for bath, etc. As usually given his working hours, H would only see DS on weekends anyway. To be honest, I think that's the way he likes it. To arrive back early, not to collect DS and not to start dinner, or at least offer, just makes me think what a selfish knob he is. It was a headache, not a bed striken illness and then the pub.

OP posts:
MrsMelons · 16/07/2013 08:16

BTW I do think you are overreacting a bit though, you had made arrangements so it wasn't like he let you down, however I suspect this is more around the emotional side of leaving your DS.

Presumably when he doesn't leave work early your DS would be at the CMs from 7-6 anyway.

Cuddlydragon · 16/07/2013 08:17

Wow, needawee that as mean, best watch your judgy pants doesn't cut off the blood supply to your common sense. OP, YANBU. I'd be furious. My DH and I compete to see who can get to our DS faster. It only takes a text to say I'm on my way to get him. You need to nip this in the bud. He can go to the pub when the baby is in bed for me time. Hope work isn't too bad.

MrsMelons · 16/07/2013 08:17

Sorry xposts - I see where you are coming from, he should want to spend time with his son - it sounds like there are more issues than this though (not prying but just how it sounds)

LIZS · 16/07/2013 08:25

If the arrangement was for you to collect then I can see why he didn't. Feeling bad about being last goes with the territory I'm afraid. Your dh has got used to his own agenda with you and ds at home so you definitely need to tell him what he could do to support you if the opportunity arises again. Also get him to look after ds while you do something nice at the weekend.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 16/07/2013 08:30

See....you've had a tough week, all emotional because it's your first week without your baby...you've endowed the childminder thing with your sadness and some guilt...your DH hasn't....that's ok too...he isn't the Mother. He does love DS of course but in HIS mind you were getting DS....he was home early...score! He just didn't think about DS being last in the CMs house like you did.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 16/07/2013 08:32

And I agree with Lizs it's part of the territory. I can't go to my DDs reception picnic today because I have to work. Once, I would have felt TERRIBLE about it...but now, I know that she'll be fine....she won't be endowing it with all the emotions that I am....she'll be having fun...she isn't the only child whose Mum won't be there...about 2 thirds of the class have two parents who work.

Your DS didn't know he was the last...he's a baby...