Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First week back at work from mat leave, H arrives home before me but didn't collect DS from childminder - twice!

103 replies

Jammy321 · 15/07/2013 21:50

Last week I started back at work after one year maternity leave. My DS goes to a child minder, two minute drive away. On Thursday, my trains were delayed and literally turned up a few minutes before 6pm, was rushing to get there and obviously to spend a precious 45 mins or so with my baby. It was DS's first day at child minder and I got back and my H was home, he normally gets back well past 7:30pm. He said he had a head ache and if I wanted him to collect him, I should have let him know I was running late. I had no idea he was even home!! I was even more surprised that H couldn't be bothered to spend time with our baby, particularly given that H had dropped DS off at 7:15am, its a long day for DS. To top it off, H did it again on Friday but instead he left work early and went to our local pub. Got back home around 7:30pm and said he'd been at the local pub. I collected DS on Friday and he was the last lonely looking child there and I ended up getting upset with the child minder. Meanwhile, H was a few minutes away in the pub. I don't think H cares one bit about our son and he thinks I am being unreasonable for being mad at him. I keep saying to him I don't understand and he just says he had a headache. I told him he was selfish and unsupportive, particularly given it was my first week back. What do you think?

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 16/07/2013 14:02

It isn't about keeping to routines for me. Just the fact that he didn't want to spend extra, bonus, time with his child.

If my DH ever finished work early his first question to me would be to ask if I wanted him to collect them from school. He recently did 99% of the school runs morning and evening because he could and he knew it would be back to not being able to do any very soon.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/07/2013 18:03

So many posters, so many assumptions.

I would say that you couldn't make it up but so many posters have.

Original poster
Jammy321 · 17/07/2013 19:32

I guess there are so many assumptions. Honestly, I think some things just should be assumed and didn't think they needed spelling out. This being one of them. Its not about routines for our baby, going to the pub or H doing his share of the deal (i.e. pick ups). Its about what he thinks is right / wrong and what I think is right / wrong, and actually most importantly I genuinely think its sad. Sad for our son. I wouldn't dare think of doing that, and H did it and thought it was perfectly acceptable. Plus doing it on my first week back at work (I'm back full time), its pretty unsupportive.

OP posts:
LondonMan · 17/07/2013 20:34

Honestly, I think some things just should be assumed and didn't think they needed spelling out.

If you're going to be angry every time he's not you, you're both going to have a miserable life.

I'm thin-skinned, I'm hurt by criticism, if my wife was going to be angry about things I had no ability to predict, I would consider that bullying and emotional abuse on her part.

He only did something wrong if he knew at the time he was doing it was wrong.

I would have done exactly what he did. I love my daughter, but I get enough time with her, I don't need to go out of my way to clock up extra hours. At most 15 minutes in any period of care are enjoyable, the rest of the time is OK but almost certainly less enjoyable that whatever else I could be doing. (And she's 3, so at a much more interesting age.)

BackforGood · 17/07/2013 20:40

I agree with LondonMan
You talk about assumptions, but surely you are doing quite a lot of assuming, and projecting the way you feel, to think that your dh should respond in the same way as you do to each small situation.
I have 3 dc. I have always worked. I have done the majority of taking to and fetching from the CM, but if for some reason I ha got out of work early, I wouldn't have automatically rushed to have picked any of them up early, but it doesn't mean I don't love them as much you you love your child. I actually think that it's quite offensive to suggest that it's 'sad' that your dh didn't feel the need to rush to spend that little bit of unexpected time with his child, implying that somehow if you do that, you don't love them as much.

mummytowillow · 17/07/2013 21:02

My brother does this Sad He and his wife both work full time. He will finish work, go home, lay on settee with his ipad while his wife has to pick the kids up from two different locations!

He couldn't care less and she has to ask him to 'babysit' his own kids Hmm if he agrees she has to put them to bed before she goes out or he refuses to do it!

Charmer isn't he Blush

WipsGlitter · 17/07/2013 21:08

My DP would not think to do anything unless I to,d him but if I'd texted and said I was running late he would do what he was told. He just has no initiative.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/07/2013 21:12

mummytowillow
"My brother does this"

Your brother doesn't do this at all, the OP and her DP have an arrangement by which he drops off and she picks up.

He needs to know that the OP won't go off on one if he picks DS up early.

He can't read her mind.

Kiriwawa · 17/07/2013 21:15

But this is both their child isn't it? Surely you just text/call the other person and say 'I've got off work early,will collect X'

Do you really need a rota on a laminated sheet for this kind of stuff?

diddl · 17/07/2013 21:17

Is it really wrong to assume that a father would rather pick up his young child than spend time at the pub?

I'd assume that of my husband.

I'd also assume that he'd pick up early-especially if it's LOs first week in care-& let me know!

WipsGlitter · 17/07/2013 21:18

No not a rota but he's not a mind reader either.

diddl · 17/07/2013 21:20

Why do you need to be a mind reader?

You use your initiative!

Kiriwawa · 17/07/2013 21:21

Why does he need to be a mind-reader?

mercibucket · 17/07/2013 21:35

surprise

when he was coming home to wife, kid, routine, more work, he needed to work late

when he was coming home to a quiet house, he can get home early

you will settle into a routine the pair of you, i guess he is enjoying this week of peace and quiet. personally, yes, it is upsetting but i would let it slide as a one off, with the expectation it doesnt happen every week (the pub/home alone part). we just text each other - first home picks up

AmayaBuzzbee · 17/07/2013 21:54

I totally see your point. Your DH is supposedly an adult and should be able to think/use common sense without being specifically asked to. Am gobsmacked he preferred going to pub instead of picking up his baby who is also going through a massive change getting used to CM and time away from parents. What a knob, I really feel for you and your son. I hope this was a one-off.

WipsGlitter · 17/07/2013 21:59

Some people genuinely don't have initiative.

Shamoy · 17/07/2013 22:10

I think its more thoughtless towards you than the baby tbh.
It's your first week back at work. He finished work early and swanned off to the pub letting you carry on with collecting ds and cooking dinner, getting ds to bed, sorting the stuff out for the next day.
I'd like to think a caring, thoughtful husband would think 'great I've got off work early ill start the dinner so dw can sit down and we can chat and relax after her first week' even if he didn't think to pick up ds (which I could forgive if he'd shown any kind of thought at all towards his wife!!)

Whothefuckfarted · 17/07/2013 22:18

I think you're extra mad because you feel a tad guilty going back to work full time.

However I agree with you. If it was my partner getting off work early he'd be texting me saying, I'm on my way home, will pick up baby on way. He should have done this IMO. Seems from what you've said that he doesn't really spend much time at all with your son :( You'd think that would make him want to pick him up even more..

He dotes on her and any extra time he can give to her he would jump at the chance. She's 16 months old.

Original poster
Jammy321 · 17/07/2013 23:06

Thanks for all of you who can see why I found it upsetting. Its really nice to hear you can see it from my perspective. I'd spent the last 12 months caring for my baby, then to leave him in child care, that alone is emotional, then be mentally prepared for work. This transition back to work is hard for a mother, everyone knows this. So, for those of you who think my H's behaviour is normal and you would have done the same, maybe you should think about it. Maybe when you have three children and you want 15 minute of peace, you say you would rather enjoy the peace, but surely when you have a one year old son, who you would only see (in waking hours) on Saturdays and Sundays from 6:30am (not that H ever would get up that early on weekends) until 7:00pm and its your wife's first week back at work, you would have collected to your son, just to see him, have a little play, tickle, bath and give him his bottle (DS already had dinner), start our dinner, to make your wife's transition back to work just a little easier. To not do this once, but twice in a row - that's really not right. Its nothing to do with bullying or rotas, just being a supportive husband and father. That's the part that's upsetting part - the sad part.

OP posts:
TalkativeJim · 17/07/2013 23:24

OP I agree with you.

It was hard for both me and my DH when our DD1 went to nursery at a year old.

She would sometimes have to do a long day and it felt awful. Felt she was also having to put in a 'long working day', without understanding why it had to be that way.

We both went down to 4 day weeks so her first year in childcare would just be 3 days a week.

My DH took unpaid leave to get her to a year old before she had to go.

If either of us could finish early, it was great to be able to go get her as soon as possible. Breakout from the baby gulag!!

She loved nursery, by the way, and we're really glad looking back that she went - I think it was really good for her development in many ways.

But it's asking a lot of them when they're tiny, especially at first. We both felt the same way about it - we were asking her to undertake a challenge for our benefit! Our tiny baby. It was a very emotional thing.

If my DH hadn't felt the same way, I would have found it really hard to be sanguine about that. It drove to the heart of what our caring for her meant to us both. The thought of him choosing to make DD 'do overtime' so that he could go drinking - I'd have been livid. And sad. Probably partially hormonally driven of course... but especially during that stressful time before she had settled, I would have totally lost it had he not felt, like me, that she shouldn't have to be there one second longer than our jobs required.

I feel for you OP.

TalkativeJim · 17/07/2013 23:30

I guess that's what I'd say to him to try and get him to see your point of view OP. You made your tiny son work overtime so that you could go drinking. That's what it felt like to me - that our baby was having to shoulder some of the stress of going out to work. She was having to work too - be up and out of the house, hold it together all day, until she could come home and relax in the evening. I wouldn't have wanted her to do that a second longer than necessary.

AmayaBuzzbee · 17/07/2013 23:39

Well said TalkativeJim

SarahAndFuck · 18/07/2013 00:25

I think the first time might have been understandable thoughtlessness on his part.

He had a headache and came home, you were due to pick up the baby anyway. He never thought to ring you to say he was back and did you want him to collect the baby instead. Possibly because he was feeling a bit off and wanted the peace and quiet, possibly because the arrangement was made and it didn't occur to him to change it.

I think I would let that one go.

But the second time would piss me off. You'd just spoken to him about picking up the baby himself if he gets home early, so instead of coming home when he leaves work, he goes to the pub so he doesn't have to bother.

breatheslowly · 18/07/2013 00:33

I still think you are overreacting. I really wouldn't expect my DH to pick my DD up early instead of going to the pub or enjoying his headache at home in a quiet house and you certainly can't expect things of him that you don't set out clearly. Men aren't mind readers (nor are women) and it is unfair to have expectations of your DH which you have not communicated to him. Not all women find leaving their children in childcare to be traumatic, not all children find going to childcare traumatic.

I think you may need to reframe your DS's experience at the CM's in your own mind. Sometime he will be the last there. Rather than think of that being sad, think of it as a great time to get quality one-on-one time with the CM. Your CM will play a huge part in your DS's life. A colleague suggested to me that with routines for children, you should start as you mean to go on. So rather than pussyfooting around the first few weeks with early pick ups, you just keep to what you have planned and your DS won't start to expect early pick ups.

redskyatnight · 18/07/2013 00:47

Actually I think I would preferred him not to pick up from the childminder during my 1st week.

Because I'd have wanted to talk to the childminder myself, find out how DS had been, what he'd played with, how long he'd slept and what he'd eaten.
And to see for myself he was happy in his new surroundings.

Whereas DH would have forgotten all of that by the time I got home.