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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to be tested as a tissue match for estranged brother who needs kidney?

228 replies

GoodTouchBadTouch · 11/07/2013 12:53

My husbands brother is 28 and having dialysis (?) 3 times a week, we aren't in contact with him, haven't been for years, no big bust up, he was just a bit of a wanker as a teenager, and identifies as a communist so there was no reason to see him again when we moved. We have only seen his mother twice in 10 years.

My husband still speaks with his mother (the are Scandinavian) and she told him a while ago that its getting to the point where he will need a transplant and my husband straight away said to count him out.

She was horrified and got upset. My husband said he doesn't want to go over to be tested as there is no point and we haven't heard from her for a while but I can see it being brought up again if she isn't a match. (she is diabetic anyway)

Im relieved he feels this way of course, but didn't forbid it or anything. I was reminded by the organ thread and just wondered what you would do? As we are quite cut-off I can only see one point of view. Ours. I hope we aren't being unreasonable... I don't think so

OP posts:
Justforlaughs · 11/07/2013 12:56

I find it slightly hard to be objective as I can't imagine not offering to be a donor for any of my own siblings, but I also haven't gone rushing out to donate a kidney to "Joe Blogs down the road" and it sounds like your DH's brother is little more to you than Joe Blogs would be to me. So, no, I don't think YABU.

HeySoulSister · 11/07/2013 12:57

He did bad things as a teen? He's a man now, time to forget

If anything happened how would your DH feel knowing he never tried to re establish a relationship?

The donor issue I'm not sure about

hiddenhome · 11/07/2013 12:59

YANBU I think it's reasonable to expect parents to donate kidneys to a child, but not the other way around.

myfirstkitchen · 11/07/2013 13:00

Not unreasonable.

I'm sure people will say if they were in that situation they would do it. Easy to say when you aren't in that situation though.

A tough one because he needs it, but I think someone's entitled to hang onto an organ of theirs they're using too.

Debsndan · 11/07/2013 13:00

YABU.

ThePowerof3 · 11/07/2013 13:01

Wow that's a hard one, his brother could potentially die though it depends on whether DH could cope with that

LessMissAbs · 11/07/2013 13:02

Its a personal choice and there is no right and wrong. Whatever decision your husband makes will be based on reasons that are right to him.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 11/07/2013 13:02

I'm sure you'd hope he would do it if it was the other way round..

JollyGolightly · 11/07/2013 13:02

If there's no chance at all that your DH would donate a kidney, there's no point in his being tested. So HINBU and nor are you.

holidaysarenice · 11/07/2013 13:02

I have seen both sides of this, a brother who wouldn't donate to his sister. She died. And a mother who gave to her daughter - both healthy and well.

I think what he did as a teen is completely irrelevant, he was a child.

I also think of the view like this, if I was a mother, and I had loved both my children, how would I feel if one child wouldn't save the other child? If one died due to the actions of the other?

It is a very hard situation.

Birdsgottafly · 11/07/2013 13:02

I wouldn't deny a relative a life saving organ on political view points (and would love to know what is so bad about Communism) , unless they were Nazi's/National front or another extremist party that deny's other's Human Rights.

I would think carefully, especially if there is Diabetes in the family and from my own health POV and the impact on my own family.

What makes it easier is that his Mother lives in another country and there is limited contact, i cannot imagine what it must feel like to have one child in that position and another who won't even get tested. I hope that i never have to find out, so be kind to her.

I would get tested, but say that, it doesn't mean i will donate, in a way, if he isn't a match, it clears your DH's mind and also absolves him in the family.

Then if he is a match, he can make his decision and be sure of his reasons, as he may not think this matters to him, but it may, later on.

Sparklymommy · 11/07/2013 13:03

As a mother with kidney disease I may in the future need a transplant. I will be forever grateful to anyone who would even take the test for me. However, I would refuse to take a kidney from with of my sisters, as they have children too and if there was then a problem with their remaining kidney they would have jeopardised themselves for me. I would never be able to forgive myself.

Yanbu. Especially if you have children.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 11/07/2013 13:05

your husband is entitled to do whatever he sees fit, but many people are a bit of a wanker as a teenager! They grow up into nice, decent people but your husband hasn't given him a chance. He's judging him not by who he has grown into, but who he was as a child.

To be written off by a grown man for a decade because of how you behaved during adolescence seems more wanker like than being a teenage pillock!

curlew · 11/07/2013 13:05

You're estranged because her a communist???????

ThePowerof3 · 11/07/2013 13:06

That's an amazing attitude Sparkly

ILikeBirds · 11/07/2013 13:08

I think it's difficult as the operation to donate is more risky than the one to receive. I'm not sure it's a level of risk i'd be willing to take for a virtual stranger.

Something like refusing bone marrow donation could perhaps be unreasonable.

Itsjustafleshwound · 11/07/2013 13:10

I'm just a bit Shock by the views ...

If I was in a position to help a family member (genetically linked) I would.

flatpackhamster · 11/07/2013 13:10

[THREAD HIJACK]

Birdsgottafly

I wouldn't deny a relative a life saving organ on political view points (and would love to know what is so bad about Communism), unless they were Nazi's/National front or another extremist party that deny's other's Human Rights.

Only on Mumsnet (or Comment is Free) would someone not understand what was wrong with Communism. What about all the dead people? Stalin's 50 million, Mao's 100 million, The Khmer Rouge, Kim Il Sung. Communism and Nazism are as awful as each other.

Wasn't there that hilarious thread recently where someone posted 'AIBU to not understand what's wrong with Communism' and loads of cretins came out and said that the problem with Communism was that people were too flawed to appreciate its magnificence? I laughed.

GrimnirTheImpaler · 11/07/2013 13:11

YANBU

This is another situation where it should be accepted that no-one has the right to tell someone what to do with their own body.

[I wouldn't do this for my brother (although I would consider it for my other siblings). I don't speak to him and I think the world would be a better place without him - he was or is a child abuser.]

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/07/2013 13:12

I totally agree with Hecsy - to not want to try and help because he was a bit of a wanker in his teens seems very harsh.

If your DH needed help and his DB was his only chance what would you think if a flat no was given.

Obv his body his choice and all that but I think he is being U to just write it off and not even see if he could help. If he is refusing because he is worried about the impact on you, the kids, future medical problems then fair enough but if he is just refusing because he doesn't like him, well, that makes him a bit of a wanker too to be be honest.

sashh · 11/07/2013 13:13

Well you don't know if your dh would be a match anyway.

I would donate, but for selfish reasons, I couldn't live with myself knowing another human being (communist and or Scandinavian or not) had died and I could have prevented it.

ThePowerof3 · 11/07/2013 13:14

That's so true Ilikebirds

CajaDeLaMemoria · 11/07/2013 13:16

I will also need a donor kidney soon.

I wouldn't expect anyone to give me one. I wouldn't accept one from anyone with children. I do not feel entitled to someone else's organs. I'd struggle letting DP give me a kidney, even though we have no children.

It's not a cut and dry issue. You have to go with what you feel inside, and live with that decision either way. Nobody has the right to expect an organ.

noddyholder · 11/07/2013 13:16

I have had 2 transplants. You don't know what you would do if you were in that situation. Imagine your child needed a transplant and this brother was the only match? If your dh would be prepared to stand by and watch his dc on dialysis and living a shadow of a life then yanbu.

purpleroses · 11/07/2013 13:18

If I was your DH, I would find out (online or from GP) what the chances of being a match are. If they are low, then I would definitely get tested, because it would give an opportunity for a future relationship with his DM and DB - he could make it clear at the time that he's undecided whether he'd actually donate. If he refuses to be tested I think he'll probably lose both relationships.

If the chances of being a match are high though, then there's not so much point in testing unless he would be prepared to give a kidney.

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