Not to be tested as a tissue match for estranged brother who needs kidney?

[GoodTouchBadTouch]

My husbands brother is 28 and having dialysis (?) 3 times a week, we aren't in contact with him, haven't been for years, no big bust up, he was just a bit of a wanker as a teenager, and identifies as a communist so there was no reason to see him again when we moved. We have only seen his mother twice in 10 years.

My husband still speaks with his mother (the are Scandinavian) and she told him a while ago that its getting to the point where he will need a transplant and my husband straight away said to count him out.

She was horrified and got upset. My husband said he doesn't want to go over to be tested as there is no point and we haven't heard from her for a while but I can see it being brought up again if she isn't a match. (she is diabetic anyway)

Im relieved he feels this way of course, but didn't forbid it or anything. I was reminded by the organ thread and just wondered what you would do? As we are quite cut-off I can only see one point of view. Ours. I hope we aren't being unreasonable... I don't think so

[Trills]

Giving a kidney is not a small thing. Not at all.

[noddyholder]

It is a gift you need to feel you want to do it. I have met people on both sides of the fence.

[ReallyTired]

Many kidney problems are genetic and we have two kidneys for a reason. If a young father gave away a kidney and then developed kidney disease it could leave his children fatherless.

Donating a kidney is not the same as donating blood or even bone marrow.

[noddyholder]

In genetic cases it is rarely suggested ime. I know whole families with polycystic disease and it isn't an option. BTW both my donors are in excellent health absolutely no suggestion that it will shorten their lives at all.(first transplant 30 yrs ago and donor fairly old now and in perfect health) Obviously all cases are different. As I said its choice.

[diddl]

I can understand that the mother is desperate & would mpre than likely do it herself if she could, & I suppose doesn't get that others might not feel that way.

For me though, the thought of one child taking such a risk for the other is awful.

[Zara1984]

YANBU. It's not like giving blood, it's a major thing that would affect DH's health. His body, his life.

[Poosnu]

I think that your DH would have to be absolutely certain that he wanted to donate. If he is in any way unsure he shouldn't even consider it. It's just an awful situation to be in, all round.

I would donate to my DC and also DH, but probably not to anyone else and certainly not a virtual stranger (which is what the brother is).

[OrangeJuiceSandwich]

I once read a story about a sister who refused and her brother died. It was heartbreaking. If I were the Mother I think, sadly, my relationship with the refuser would be over.

My sister and I aren't close but my God, I couldn't just let her die. Why not at least have the test, he might not even be a match?

[Broodymomma]

I have just been through this with my mum who was in complete renal failure for 7 years. I knew from day 1 I wanted to donate I was scared but never had a doubt. To start she would not hear of if but as time went on we were starting to look at the real possibility she may start to loose limbs.

I went through all the matching process and was only a 4/6 match for her and being different blood types it comics red things.

What did come out was during the process several times they said if there is a shred of doubt in your mind we can rule you out now and say you are not a match and she will never have to know its because you don't want to do it. Just saying because perhaps if there is feelings of guilt at saying no he should know they always give you a get out clause during testing at least they did with me.

However there is also something called a pair exchange where they put you into a pool of people who have a live donor who is not an ideal match and they pair you up so you donate to their recipient and his brother would get their donors kidney assuming its the perfect match.
Perhaps he has other people who are considering doing it that they could look at this? Does not have to be a close relative.

Good ending to our story though 6 days before we were due to be run on the pair exchange my mum got a kidney from some angel who we will be forever thankful to.

[pigletmania]

Saggy I am not telling you what to do, but if it came down to reality would you? That's your feelings does not mean that others feel te same and they should be made to feel bad for not donating a kidney! just because I don't want to donate outside my immediate family does not mean I would want the person dead , that's a horrid thing, of course not, I would hope tat they find a donor ASAP!

[PearlyWhites]

Yabu unbelievably so.

[Morloth]

What would be the point in wasting everyone's time and money in testing?

If he is a match the pressure would be immense.

People's bodies are their own, the only reason he needs to say No is 'I don't wantto'.

[pigletmania]

Gosh some people are so pious. Pearly have you read all the posts from the experts on here or those who have been through it!

[FryOneFatManic]

I have thought about this before. I also looked into the real risks for the donor. The NHS website is very bland about the risks and I don't think it gives the full picture.

I will only donate to the children. DP already has some health issues that would make recovery harder anyway, so I would not donate to him as the risks to the donor could potentially leave our children orphaned.

[passmetheprozac]

I started reading this thread with YABU, how could your dh stand by and let his little brother possibly die...

However on reading the thread, my view point has completely changed your dh is NBU at all. The possibility of having life risking surgery shouldn't be taken lightly, and there are too many what ifs to justify doing this.

[wannaBe]

So to all those who say they would donate to a stranger and how could anyone not, I assume you have all looked into the real possibility of being live donors then? After all there is a massive shortage of donors in the UK and iirc live donation is something that has been considered as a real possibility. So if not, why not?

At the end of the day it?s a matter of choice. This sn?t a biit of blood or bone marrow we?re talking about major surgery here. And while people can live normal lives with just one kidney, clearly this is not meant to be the case or we wouldn?t have two.

And people place farr to much emphasis on ?family? assuming that because someone is family you must automatically have that bond with them. Not all families are close. Not all siblings are close. These siblings haven?t spoken for ten years. This isn?t about someone just having been a twat as a teenager ? these siblings grew up together and don?t have that sibling relationship.

No-one should feel obligated to put their own life at risk just because it?s ?family?. How far should that go? I would donate to my child, my sister or my sister?s kids or my parents, but what about cousins I haven?t seen or have no relationship with, should I donate to those too? Just because they?re family even though it?s in name only? Of course not. Because in truth if you didn?t have a relationship with that family member before donating, it?s a bit of a romanticised view too think that you might develop one after. If they?re not a nice person, receiving a kidney isn?t necessarily going to change that.

[TimeofChange]

As I said earlier a friend donated a kidney to her brother.
She was a healthy young woman before the operation.
She was off work for 12 weeks and needed a lot of care for four weeks. It took 12 months to recover, but it has adversely affected her hormone balance and personality.

She has severe PMT most of the time.
She ended up back in hospital twice with a major infection in her remaining kidney and on intravenous antibiotics.
She now is unable to drink more than two units of alcohol per week.

Our bodies do not have two kidneys so we can give one away.

You don't just have a kidney removed and go back to work two days later. It is a major op that takes a lot of time to get over.

[juneau]

HIDNBU. For goodness sake, surely its the most basic human right - the sanctity of each person's own physical being? To have the right to say who can enter it, tamper with it, and take parts of it away!

To all of you who say 'How could you be so heartless?' or something along those lines - shame on you. I'm guessing none of you with such cut and dried views have ever been in this position, because those who have are much more understanding of this man's position. He doesn't love his brother, he has no relationship with him - his and the brother's choice - so why should he put his own health on the line (the surgeon olympicsrock details what those considerable risks are)? To say he has two kidneys and he doesn't need both is utterly missing the point. They're HIS kidneys and he can choose to keep them or donate them to someone he cares about and that is utterly his choice, 100%.

[FlankShaftMcWap]

This has thrown up some interesting questions for me, I've recently been investigating the possibility of being a live donor for a stranger and I have estranged family. It must be said that the reasons for estrangement are quite significant.
I have come to the conclusion that I would give to a stranger without hesitation. Whereas I would not give to my estranged family members under any circumstances whatsoever. So yes, I suppose I would let them die. That's fucking awful isn't it. I'm not sure whether I would fully be at peace with that decision if one of them actually died, but I couldn't stomach the alternative.
I'm sorry, after this rambling self analysis I still don't know if you are BU or not! But I suppose each of us has free will over our own bodies.

[pigletmania]

Exactly our bodies are our own, they do not belong to anybody else. There is a reason biologically we have two kidneys. Fair enough if people want to donate, that is fantastic, but tey should not make others feel bad because they decid not to

[noddyholder]

Time of change that sounds dreadful for her but is not the norm although am glad to be corrected. My brother and I had the operations on a Wednesday and went home Monday. My brother was out shopping at teh end of the week! In pain but very determined. Neither of my donors was off work for more than 6 weeks. This is why there needs to be more information as medicine moves on all teh time and improves keyhole organ retrieval has transformed donation

[noddyholder]

My donors have no restriction on travel,alcohol consumption etc so obviously I don't know anything about that.

[SaggyOldClothCatPuss]

I lost someone I hadn't seen in some time. I let anger and hurt rule my response when she made contact. She later killed herself. If I hadn't turned her away, I could have got her help and she would still be here. I have to live with that guilt. THAT is why I would get tested.

[Trills]

My dad gave my brother a kidney.

He can NOW eat and drink and travel as he likes (no contact sports though).

It was difficult and unpleasant and risky and painful for quite a while, and not something to be undertaken lightly.

[Lweji]

Saggy, don't beat yourself.
She may have made contact because she was tidying things up before she killed herself.
A different response from you might not have made any difference to what she did.

But I agree with not letting anger dictate our responses. Some goodwill and forgiveness may improve the lives of both sides.