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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to be tested as a tissue match for estranged brother who needs kidney?

228 replies

GoodTouchBadTouch · 11/07/2013 12:53

My husbands brother is 28 and having dialysis (?) 3 times a week, we aren't in contact with him, haven't been for years, no big bust up, he was just a bit of a wanker as a teenager, and identifies as a communist so there was no reason to see him again when we moved. We have only seen his mother twice in 10 years.

My husband still speaks with his mother (the are Scandinavian) and she told him a while ago that its getting to the point where he will need a transplant and my husband straight away said to count him out.

She was horrified and got upset. My husband said he doesn't want to go over to be tested as there is no point and we haven't heard from her for a while but I can see it being brought up again if she isn't a match. (she is diabetic anyway)

Im relieved he feels this way of course, but didn't forbid it or anything. I was reminded by the organ thread and just wondered what you would do? As we are quite cut-off I can only see one point of view. Ours. I hope we aren't being unreasonable... I don't think so

OP posts:

EagleRiderDirk · 11/07/2013 16:01

I am estranged from my sister and I have often thought about what would happen if this situation arose. I would be the type who would, despite the fact I cannot forgive her actions, get tested and consider the possibility of donation. However I know categorically that even if we weren't estranged my sister would never consider that for me, as anything that impacts on her life is a no go. Revelations like that help put me at ease over the estrangement. Its completely up to your DH, and now I have DCs I would think twice for their sake about doing it for anyone other than them.

noddyholder · 11/07/2013 16:05

This is why organ donation needs to be discussed much more before the need ever arises (and hopefully it never will!) It is highly emotive but teh person who needs the organ is so ill by the time that stage comes that tbh (in my case) I was desperate and didn't ever consider the implications. I have had experience twice and as Reindeer says it is very very difficult decision for both parties. My mother donated a kidney to me when I was late teens and afterwards she acted like it had never happened and said she didn't want to discuss it. I was too young to take that on and it has had a terrible effect. Talk to your families so that everyone is clear. There is nothing wrong with saying no but you need to realise what that means if the tables are turned. You cannot imagine what it is like to really really need it and be kept alive by a machine until you are there so people who say they would be happy not to receive can't really know. And people close to death are not always rational either so the sooner we all talk about this stuff the better.

TotallyBursar · 11/07/2013 16:41

Noddy - if that was aimed at me then please don't assume I'm speaking glibly about my decision. Or have not been in a position to have to think about it.
People have different approaches to their mortality, life shapes us all differently. I can see lots of people might feel fear when it is reality, some of us have come to acceptance. These are both ok. The main thing though is people are allowed to change their mind - but if you are sure that you have made a choice that fits with your personal ethics then helping support that choice when the time comes does not necessarily include pushing for acceptance of a live donation against previously held wishes.

If it was just comment proximity, nvm.
I'm sorry you have had to deal with that. I hope you have found resolution to what must have been difficult feelings in a hard situation.

whois · 11/07/2013 16:50

If my brother (who I am close to) was to die unless I donated a kidney, I would do so. If DP would die without my kidney, I would donate

No fucking way would I for someone I wasn't close to. I probably wouldn't even donate to my mum and dad despite thinking the world of them, bacause at age 65+ I think my ongoing health is more important than theirs.

Totally, totally not U to refuse in this case.

noddyholder · 11/07/2013 16:51

Not directed at anyone just my experience and POV

ReindeerBollocks · 11/07/2013 17:27

I adore Noddy on MN as she has always been a great source of help and support. But actually she is right that often donation needs to be discussed WAY before it is actually required, so everyone knows where they stand.

I will also say that discussion doesn't always solve other issues ? it was absolutely my decision to donate and i pushed quite hard with medical staff and DH to do so. I was concerned DH would die due to the toll of diaylsis. However even discussing it for hours didn't help ? DH feels immensely guilty about the donation and never acknowledges it, whereas i'm proud of donating and even more so that DH is stable and well. It causes arguments post donation due to our conflicted feelings.

However i know DH was much happier with those that were straight forward like BIL who was quite honest that he didn't want to donate. They both knew where they stood and no false hopes were raised, which i think Noddy was saying about false hope being devastating for the ill person.

OP ? this is entirely your DH's decision but if he is not comfortable and doesn't want to entertain the idea then he should at least be respectful enough to say so outright, so that there are no chances his brother to get his hopes up.

noddyholder · 11/07/2013 17:48

Thanks Reindeer This subject is so huge and not for the faint hearted (or kidneyed!)

Alisvolatpropiis · 11/07/2013 20:59

Your DP is not being unreasonable.

I would not live donate to a stranger,which is what his brother is to him effectively. Live donations to strangers is an amazingly selfless thing to do. I don't have it in me to do it though.

Immediate family I was close to I would donate to.

When I die my organs are there for whoever needs them.

jollygoose · 11/07/2013 22:24

I cant believe how fencwe sitting most of you are. The brother needs a kidney so presumably he might die without one. Your husband has two he only needs one what sort of man is he that he would let his brother die without trying to help unfuckingbelievable!

Alisvolatpropiis · 11/07/2013 22:27

But what if one of his children needs a kidney in the future and he can't help them because he's donated a kidney to a man he barely knows anymore let alone likes?

Live organ donation isn't just about "matching". The levels of regret and resentment that could follow if the above situation happens or he suffers lifelong health complications because of it are potentially massive.

I didn't sit on the fence. I said in his shoes I wouldn't be tested either.

Morloth · 11/07/2013 22:29

Your DH's body belongs to him.

That is the end of the conversation. Either people have bodily integrity or they don't.

There are people I would donate a kidney too, none of my siblings are on that list. I love them, but quite frankly not that much.

timidviper · 11/07/2013 22:33

I would not give any part of my body to somebody I did not really really care for. These ops are not totally risk free and do you think his DB would care for your family or help you much if anything went wrong? Probably not.

GW297 · 11/07/2013 22:39

I am estranged from my brother too and often think about what would happen if either one of us was in your husband's brother's situation.

eyestightshut · 11/07/2013 22:52

Organ donation is a gift. It is not compulsory. It is not something to be emotionally blackmailed into because of a blood relationship. YANBU.

NorksAreMessy · 11/07/2013 22:52

reindeer you are a wonderful person, although you don't need me to tell you that.

Amazing.

LoveBeingUpAt4InTheMorning · 11/07/2013 22:57

Yanbu, I wouldnt for one of my siblings. He is basically a stranger, of I were to give one to a stranger I would certainly pick someone nicer.

pigletmania · 11/07/2013 23:00

Yes reindeer you're amazing ad totally right. To donate you have be e absolutely certain, doubting is nt without its risks to, t does eave the body more vulnerable. Op dh is well within hs rights to refuse, e has a family to cnsifpder too, and those guilt tripping op have no right too, and are being utterly unfair. There is Noway I would donate to family I ve cut off from or estranged from.

olympicsrock · 11/07/2013 23:12

I'm a renal transplant surgeon. Mother cannot donate due to diabetes. DH would be able to donate even if not a good match as there are "paired exchange " programs. We even do transplants between diff blood groups now. BIL is likely to need 3 transplants in lifetime - a live donor kidney will last longer, live vs deceased donor is more important than than how good the match is.
But the question is does DH want to go through major surgery, risk death , be unable to help you or DC in the future if you needed a kidney and have a swollen painful testicle for life (happens usually after kidney donation). I personally would not donate a kidney unless i really loved the recipient. But the downside is that DH will have to live with the reality that without a living donor his brother will be lucky to make 50 years old. Personally i think YANBU not to donate.

northernlurker · 11/07/2013 23:13

I work in admin in a renal unit.

lisad123everybodydancenow · 11/07/2013 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mymatemax · 11/07/2013 23:29

I couldn't say no to a stranger let alone a family.
Life & quality of life is precious.
I don't think YABU but personally I do not think I could sleep at night

lougle · 11/07/2013 23:31

flatpackhamster Thu 11-Jul-13 13:10:44

"Wasn't there that hilarious thread recently where someone posted 'AIBU to not understand what's wrong with Communism' and loads of cretins came out and said that the problem with Communism was that people were too flawed to appreciate its magnificence? I laughed."

Please don't use the word cretin. It is an offensive and pejorative term link.

northernlurker · 11/07/2013 23:41

Mymate - with respect, the world is full of people who have said no and they sleep fine because this is NOT an obligation. It's a gift which isn't for everybody to give and it's not an automatic 'will not regret' situation either. Believe me I do know what quality of life looks like and I still wouldn't do this except for my babies.

Greythorne · 11/07/2013 23:44

YANBU

I think it is sad the family is so fragmented but your DH's body is his.

Forced organ donation? Forced pregnancy? Forced abortion?

No thanks.

pigletmania · 11/07/2013 23:49

Mymate and lisa totally unfair, have you even read oympicrocks or nrthernlurkers posts! Why should op dp risk his life, and make himself more vulnerable fr someone he is not close too, it's a very big thing to be a live donor

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