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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to be tested as a tissue match for estranged brother who needs kidney?

228 replies

GoodTouchBadTouch · 11/07/2013 12:53

My husbands brother is 28 and having dialysis (?) 3 times a week, we aren't in contact with him, haven't been for years, no big bust up, he was just a bit of a wanker as a teenager, and identifies as a communist so there was no reason to see him again when we moved. We have only seen his mother twice in 10 years.

My husband still speaks with his mother (the are Scandinavian) and she told him a while ago that its getting to the point where he will need a transplant and my husband straight away said to count him out.

She was horrified and got upset. My husband said he doesn't want to go over to be tested as there is no point and we haven't heard from her for a while but I can see it being brought up again if she isn't a match. (she is diabetic anyway)

Im relieved he feels this way of course, but didn't forbid it or anything. I was reminded by the organ thread and just wondered what you would do? As we are quite cut-off I can only see one point of view. Ours. I hope we aren't being unreasonable... I don't think so

OP posts:
Holliewantstobehot · 11/07/2013 13:50

Do you actually know if his brother wants your dh to donate a kidney - just wondering if it's his mother's idea as she obviously does not want her son to die and the brother is unaware your dh has been approached.

My df died of kidney failure - he was on the donor list but refused to even consider me or my dsis giving him a kidney. That was his choice to make. I would see if your dh would consider meeting with his brother and seeing if they can rebuild a relationship, but make it clear he does not want to donate a kidney. That is his choice to make.

But I think if his brother dies and he has not tried to make peace he may regret it and it would be of some comfort to his mother if the worst happens.

dreamingbohemian · 11/07/2013 13:54

Yes, I think if he had looked into it and decided it was too risky, that's an opinion you have to respect. To just refuse point blank without thinking about it is really harsh.

I think it's even more sad to have rejected his brother all these years when he likely got his communist stance from his father, at that age. It sort of sounds like it's your husband who's the odd one out in the family politically and this is sort of his chance to say a big fuck you.

RoxyFox211 · 11/07/2013 13:55

I don't quite understand why him identifying as a "communist" would be a factor in you guys not keeping in touch? :s but I'm guessing this is all entangled in a bigger picture. As its your husbands decision he is nbu to make it I suppose. Will the brother die without it? I think it is a hard decision which would probably require intense thought process...

Mama1980 · 11/07/2013 13:59

I do understand his reasons, and respect his position. But to my mind he may be able to save a life, any life the relationship or lack thereof is irrelevant to my mind. I could not be with someone who refused to even consider this.

Original poster
GoodTouchBadTouch · 11/07/2013 14:04

He didn't think about it to be honest, it was not an option for him as they are virtual strangers (the lot of them).

We live as if we don't have any family.. so I understand his reaction completely. I know that in a reverse situation we wouldn't ask.

When our first was 2 he had meningitis and was in hospital for a week, we thought he would die, and didn't think to call anyone. I had 8 weeks with a false cancer diagnosis and he didn't mention that to them either... I cant blame his mother for asking but I dont blame my husband for refusing.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoodTouchBadTouch · 11/07/2013 14:06

Im just amazed at the people who would donate to a stranger! How wonderful and selfless! That's not meant sarcastically!

OP posts:
TotallyBursar · 11/07/2013 14:07

I think, like many of these big decisions, we are usually much more keen when it is hypothetical than when faced with the surgeon.
It is easy to be selfless and sure of your choice in the abstract, it is different in reality.

Many people say they would always help or put themselves at risk for another - in life though there are far fewer heroes that broke the door down, went under the bus, jumped in front of the gun or otherwise risked their life than there are onlookers - I wonder how many of those people thought they would freeze or try desperately to keep their head down? We like to believe we are good people, being selfless is a huge part of that. Many of us don't succeed.
Some of us do, some of those people will be the ones sure of their reaction but not all of them, some surprise themselves and the onlookers may have to make peace with the same choice.

The focus shouldn't be on making him change his decision by applying emotional pressure it should be on helping his mother and brother come to terms with it. It's all hypothetical anyway, the chances of him being both a match and a suitable candidate are slim.

BlackeyedSusan · 11/07/2013 14:09

my first thought would be what if one of the children needed it. after all it is in the family and you can not be suer (though could research possibilities) whether they are at higher risk.

RoxyFox211 · 11/07/2013 14:10

Flatpackhamster! Your ignorance is baffling. It is leaders who recurrently commit the crimes you're talking about, because they are power hungry and bad in the head. Not because of their social, political or religious leanings (although that's often used as a guise and it seems to have fooled you :/). IMO the concept of communism - in principal - is a lot less flawed than the current capitalist system, however I'm not a particular advocate of it just merely stating facts. I'm not "a communist" although I definitely can see where they are coming from. Just like I'm not a Christian or a Muslim, although I can see where they are coming from, and do not brandish them all members of the crusaders or alqaeda. Your logic is ridiculous. Sorry op off topic.

daytoday · 11/07/2013 14:12

We are not talking about donating an assert we are talking about a body part. We are made with two kidneys, there seems to be an assumption that one kidney is extra. It is not uncommon for a kidney to fail or start working inefficiently especially in old age. Kidney and urinary affections are very diff when you are functioning on one kidney.

Your husband has no obligation to anyone but himself.

doingthesplitz · 11/07/2013 14:15

There's a few gaps in the OPs post. When you say the brother was a 'bit of a wanker' in the past did he do something unforgiveable or was it just the usual 'arrogant young guy who thought he knew it all until he grew up' stuff?

You say he's only seen his mother twice in ten years which seems strange. Scandinavia isn 't that far away.

Was there some kind of a big falling out that explains your husband's apparently cold attitude? Not looking for details but just a bit more context.

KobayashiMaru · 11/07/2013 14:15

Communism and communism are not the same thing. Capital letters make all the difference.
conservative and Conservative are also different, as is Liberal and liberal.
Also, btw, Stalin was never a communist. He might have been a Communist, but that is entirely different.

Back to the OP, YABU. Potentially letting a sibling die because you didn't like them as a teacher, man thats cold. I'd give my neighbour a kidney, and I barely know them. I'd certainly give a sibling one without question. wouldn't occur to me not to. And I don't think I'd be friends with someone as harsh as the OP and her husband.

Cherriesarelovely · 11/07/2013 14:17

Your Dh is not BU at all in the way that he feels. It is a complicated situation and a completely personal decision. I agree that his mother does not have a right to put pressure on him to be tested even though I feel for his brother.

Cherriesarelovely · 11/07/2013 14:19

I actually would consider donating a kidney if someone close to me needed one....I would actually consider doing it for someone who was not that close to me if I didn't have a child myself. But that is my decision and I wouldn't judge someone else for having a different veiwpoint.

KobayashiMaru · 11/07/2013 14:20

*teenager, not teacher

8thplace · 11/07/2013 14:22

I have an estranged brother, but if him or his DC were ever in this position I hope I would know about it and be able to be tested for them and would happily donate with no quarms.

I might not like what he has done to me in the past, or the way our relationship has become,but he is my kin, and I would want to help.

How would you and your DH be thinking if the situation was reversed?

TheCraicDealer · 11/07/2013 14:23

I think "identifies as a communist" was just the OP's shorthand for the brother being angsty about her DH's (and subsequently, her) choices and why they don't have a relationship, rather than as a derogatory term.

pigletmania · 11/07/2013 14:24

Yanbu at all really, your dh does not have a relationship with his brother. Would you donate to a toxic family member tat wou no longer speak to, I mst certainly would not. Brother might not die, he will go on the list for a transplant. Yes I am on the organ donor register

Original poster
GoodTouchBadTouch · 11/07/2013 14:26

There's a few gaps in the OPs post. When you say the brother was a 'bit of a wanker' in the past did he do something unforgiveable or was it just the usual 'arrogant young guy who thought he knew it all until he grew up' stuff?

No, not at all, his family have never been close because my husband doesn't share their political views, sounds trivial, but they were very anti-education, and threatened to sabotage his graduation, were actually angry when he got a degree and got married.

His mother has softened a bit since we had the children, and he sometimes sends photos to her, which she is nice about.

8th place - I know my husband wouldn't ask for a kidney, or any other help from his family.

CraicDealer - Yes that's it.

OP posts:
Mollydoggerson · 11/07/2013 14:26

What if your husband was the one needing a kidney and his brother refused to get tested, how would you all feel?

I don't think you are being unreasonable as such, just very cold hearted not to even consider the testing.

But to each their own and all that.

greenhill · 11/07/2013 14:32

This is an interesting discussion about subjective and objective opinion. If only it weren't RL.

Subjectively your DH's DM thinks " I have two children: one is ill and needs help, the other one should do something about it."

Objectively your DH thinks "I have a brother, he is ill. I don't have a relationship with my original family, it is none of my business."

Neither are wrong, but maybe your DH should have a test to see if he is compatible, as a donor. If he isn't, the problem is solved and his DM can't complain about your DH any longer.

If he is compatible, it is then up to him (and his conscience) to make a decision which may or may not affect your family too.

I'm on the fence as regards to reasonableness or not. Mainly because it doesn't affect me personally. Your DH also thinks it doesn't affect him personally either. His mother doesn't see it that way though, does she?

No decisions are made in a vacuum free from emotion. It sounds like he has some relationship with his DM, but not enough to do this.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/07/2013 14:34

How sad and tragic actually that a family aren't close because they don't share the same political views.

Oh well, takes all sorts I suppose.

diddl · 11/07/2013 14:38

What's the point in the test if you wouldn't have the op, though?

It's the sort of thing I'd like to think that I would do, but in reality, probably wouldn't.

Would probably be too scared of dying during the op/one kidney not being enough when older.

ENormaSnob · 11/07/2013 14:49

Yanbu

I have a biological father and his family that i have never met.

Id be more likely to give a kidney to the bloke over the road tbh.

ReindeerBollocks · 11/07/2013 15:03

I donated a kidney (and spoken about the process at length on here). It has to be a decision that you would wholeheartedly stand by, as it isn't an easy thing to do emotionally, let alone physically.

I donated to DH as i could see how much of a detrimental effect diaylsis had on DH. DH has a brother who he gets on with but there was never an offer for testing/request for testing by either DH/BIL. Donating leaves you vulnerable after an op while you recover and also long term only having one kidney. It sounds like it should be an easy decision but thats far from true. I would never judge anyone for not donating a kidney to a family member, ever.