Not to be tested as a tissue match for estranged brother who needs kidney?

[GoodTouchBadTouch]

My husbands brother is 28 and having dialysis (?) 3 times a week, we aren't in contact with him, haven't been for years, no big bust up, he was just a bit of a wanker as a teenager, and identifies as a communist so there was no reason to see him again when we moved. We have only seen his mother twice in 10 years.

My husband still speaks with his mother (the are Scandinavian) and she told him a while ago that its getting to the point where he will need a transplant and my husband straight away said to count him out.

She was horrified and got upset. My husband said he doesn't want to go over to be tested as there is no point and we haven't heard from her for a while but I can see it being brought up again if she isn't a match. (she is diabetic anyway)

Im relieved he feels this way of course, but didn't forbid it or anything. I was reminded by the organ thread and just wondered what you would do? As we are quite cut-off I can only see one point of view. Ours. I hope we aren't being unreasonable... I don't think so

Totally agree greythorne

Quite a few people on here saying that they wouldn't hesitate to donate a kidney even to a stranger. Not so many saying they have actually done so.

Well it doesn't really come up that often in real life.

I'm on the bone marrow register, for a start. Are you?

I was worked up to be a living donor, in the end a cadaveric match was found on the occasions required. I would have done it for my DC, but never for an adult I am afraid, the risks of long term morbidity are enormous. I respect those who do, and if I ever needed to again for a child, yes in a flash, but for an adult in my opinion, no, yanbu.

My sister doesnt speak to me but id give her a kidney if she needed it. I'd be tested for any family member tbh. Its an organ. Its not like theyre asking for a hug and to go on the xmas card list

I have more than one estranged relative. I'd still get tested. I might be estranged from them, but they're still my blood and I wouldn't wish them dead.

For those that are willing to donate to a stranger there is a website that tells you how to become an altruistic donor. Because of the large number of people of the waiting list and the (relatively) simple process of matching then I think most people could be matched. Have a look at www.giveakidney.org/

Personally I wouldn't be willing to donate to a stranger. I am a blood donor, on the bone marrow list, have had a donor card since I was 14 and am in the middle of being tested for breast milk donation. But a kidney is something that I might "miss" so it is going too far for me.

I would donate without question to either of my children, I can't donate to my husband due to our blood types (but pretty sure I would), probably to my brother. Not sure about my parents as I have 2 very small children and they are both in their 60s so I would have to think carefully.

What Morloth, Greythorne and MummyToKatie said.

And I agree that being tested if he knows he won't do it is not worth while.

Birdsgottafly I know your comment was ages upthread. But are you honestly saying that communist states e.g. China and USSR haven't committed human rights abuse?

Lots of eople are saying they would give a kidney, even if they were estranged from the person or fell out with them, really! If it came to the crunch would you! It's very easy to say now, but I wonder if you would actually if it became reality! It does not mean they will die, they will rob ably go on a transplant list, and might get a donor.

Considering to donate an organ at this stage, when the brother needs dialysis, but is coming to the point when he'll need a kidney, is different than the brother will die within days without a kidney.

Your OH may change his mind then, or not.

A friend of mine got one, which was not a live donation. So, it's possible.

Kidney donation could be dangerous for the donor. It's major surgery and he might need the kidney himself later on.

In contrast, bone marrow donation doesn't have many risks.
And donating organs after death has no implications to the quality of life of the donor.

So, your OH INBU

Some on here are making out tat donating a kidney Is easy, like giving blood etc, but if you read the surgeons post up tread it s not! There are risks to the donors health, the donor could die ad leave a fami without a parent, it could make te donors body more vulnerable. It is not something to be taken lightly, and only something I would do to somebody extremely close. Nobody should be made to feel bad because they do not feel they are able to go through all the risk to be a live kidney donor. Op dh has every right to refuse, it's his body, life and kidney atte end of th day. If it was as easy as that I am sure tat most people would become live donors!

Exactly lwuj giving bone marrow s totally different, less risky and the body regenerates. You cannot make another kidney! Sometimes a person develops one failed kidney and survives on the other. Op dh woul not be able to do that if his kidneys failed

Kidneys and communism and it not even 8am.

Only on mumsnet.

I was estranged from my dad for 20 years. When he was dying we both realised that actually the reasons for our estrangement no longer held significance but that we had slipped into the habit of not communicating ( and therefore an out of sight out of mind way of living) mythologising the last difficult meeting as a good reason not to be in touch.

Don't get me wrong my dad was a difficult and sometimes violent man so I'm not describing an idyllic father daughter relationship gone off the rails during the difficult teen years when we all do and say silly things.

I made the decision to reconcile, if there had been any thing I could donate to make him better I would have. My choice, and I respected my sisters choice to stay estranged. However while I am totally at peace with my dad, our past and his death, my sister is struggling with her relationships with men, her memories of our childhood and the fact that he is gone, she cannot have the discussion, make the peace etc the opportunity has passed. It's for the rest of HER life. He no longer worries about it of course as he is dead.

It really is your husbands choice, only he can know how he will feel in the face of the death of his brother, and his mothers grief and her possible upset.

If he is tested however he can make an informed choice, a definite choice which will leave him with no possible what ifs into the future. Because like my sister it's a decision he will live with for the rest of his life...what anyone else thinks really doesn't matter, it's his internal conversation that does.

It's interesting that on this thread, all the people who have been involved (donor, recipient, medical staff, friends of donors etc) are saying it's emotionally charged and difficult and medically not 100% reliable and takes its toll on both donor and recipient...and yet we're still getting posts like 'I'd do it in a flash for a stranger! I hate my family but I wouldn't hesitate to give 'em both my kidneys if they needed them!'

I'm estranged from my brother - grown apart, he the favourite - and I know my parents would want me to consider donating to him. However, there's simply no way I would do it. I have children who need me. That is it. It would be unfair of them to press the point and if they did, I would consider myself (further) undervalued and dispensible. Years of therapy would ensue etc etc etc. None of this 'Of course I would do this selfless thing for a sibling' life is rarely that simple.

I think people have a perfect right to choose what they do with their own bodies. It was the "I wouldn't donate a kidney to a a communist" that pissed me off.

Exactly vellimetry very easy to say in fron of a computer, and in a spur of the moment, but if it became reality, knowing the risks how many would! I personally would donate liver, bone marrow, lung possibly, but kidney I don't think so for someone I was not close to and fell out because of their toxic beaviour. Hats off to those who have, bu for me personally no

And who are you to tell me what I would or would not do? Do you know me? Speak for yourself please.
Like I said, I have estranged family. We don't talk, but I'd rather they were alive and we dont talk than dead.

belli I know where you're coming from totally

velli even

Think this is a very interesting debate. I am one of the ones who earlier said I would donate a kidney to a complete stranger, I am actually on the kidney.org site but sadly my own health now prevents me being considered for anything I'm also on the bone marrow register though. My reasoning is simply that my life and both my sons were only saved by massive medical intervention, dozens of blood/plasma transfusions, drugs and it looked for a while 5 years ago as if ds1 would need a donor organ. I saw children waiting for donor organs and things i never want to see again while in hospital. So short of killing me they can have any part of me they want or need to help anyone who s ever been in the same position.
Only my position of course and I respect anyone with a different viewpoint, it's a very personal decision.