about my Boyfriends birthday & his mum

[crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo]

First AIBU but I really need to know if I am .

Its my Bfs birthday on Tuesday , he has just told me he is going for a meal with his mum & family Tuesday evening so will be busy from 4 - 8 .
I have not been invited despite us been together for 3 years (we don't live together) .
He is working Tuesday morning until 1pm & i have appointments Tuesday from 1-4 (several appointments) .
He says it is not fair that i can't see him on his birthday & expects me to palm my Ds off on my Dm on a school night so i can take him out I have told him i won't do this as Ds comes first & i told him to ask his mum to make it later or for the day after & he can't as she will be upset (huge case of pfb) .
I thought i was his family but apparently not as he does everything his mum says even if it means cancelling our plans

Am I been unreasonable to think that after 3 years he would see me as his family as well as his mum & sometimes put our relationship first or should I just suck it up

[2rebecca]

Don't say it's just because his mum didn't invite you to this meal though as it isn't about her. It's about him and the fact that after 3 years your relationship still isn't close enough for the 2 of you to be discussing his birthday plans together and then letting other people know what the 2 of you have decided. You are still an afterthought and he regards your son as an inconvenience not someone he wants to celebrate his birthday with.
I think discussing the relationship is fine, but I'd want some time apart from him even if he protests he'll change/ it's all his mum's fault/ he didn't think 1 little meal would upset you so much etc.

[shewhowines]

Remind him that it was the straw that broke the camels back, not the whole reason. And you do owe him a proper chat.

You could move on from this if he can genuinely reassure you that he has reassessed his priorities and shows that he is really ready to commit to you.
I wouldn't rate it actually happening though. If he does manage to persuade you, at the first sign of things slipping, then you respect youself and get those fine balls of steel out again.

[pigletmania]

Op there are times in life where you cannot avoid confrontation, this is one of them. You need to be assertive really and get some backbone!

[crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo]

I plan on been upfront with him & certainly don't want to get back with him

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

I agree that you should meet him in public.

Tell him why you no longer want to be with him, he needs to know. Then he can decide whether in future relationships, he wants to change that about himself or not.

But if he does try to pressure you into resuming the relationship, ask him why he wants to try to make someone be with him who doesn't want to be with him.

that's always puzzled me about people who try to force someone to be in/stay in a relationship with them and it is the obvious question that nobody seems to ask. I don't want you. What is wrong with you that you want to try to make me be with you when I don't want you.

[sue52]

You are doing the right thing. A 30 year old child who needs cuddles from his Mum is not what you and your DC need in your lives. Just stay strong and don't back down when you see him.

[crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo]

Thankyou Hecsy & Sue

[OnIlkelyMoorBahtat]

delurking to say well done crazyhamster, you stick to your guns when you meet him (and YYYY to meeting in a public place!)

[crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo]

Thanks Iilkely

[pigletmania]

So crazy, how did it go?

[pigletmania]

So te suspense is killing me

[YouTheCat]

Me too.

[crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo]

Piglet & You

I met him at my local library so he couldn't shout I didnt give him much chance to say anything until I said my piece, According to him im been unreasonable & he has a healthy relationship with his mum & im just jealous at which point I laughed n told him to get knotted

I went all dressed up , I even had the very fit librarian flirt with me & asked me out while I was renewing Ds' books

My ex was [shocked]

Me [grin

I have not felt this good about myself in a long time & I must of been 17 when I were last asked out

Thankyou for all your help

[YouTheCat]

Good outcome then.

Can't believe he thinks his relationship with his mother is normal.

[crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo]

Very good outcome

I told him he needs to reassess his life & maybe see a psychiatrist.

[pigletmania]

Good on you op, his reaction just confirmed you I'd the right thing. Bollocks healthy relationship, obsessive mre like! Wat did you tell him?

[shewhowines]

So was he upset at all at the thought of losing you or was he only upset that you had the cheek to finish with him.
Did he try to get you back at all?

[crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo]

Oh yeah he tried the whole sobbing & begging thing but I told him to stop embarrassing me , he isn't use to me been so Cold so he was pretty shocked .
I just told him im not playing second fiddle to his mother & after 3 years still not classed as family so their is no point at all.
Oh & id rather have a man than a boy

[crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo]

Oh & he said its my fault that im not seen as family because if id of let him in move in with me then his mum would of seen us as a proper family & she would of been able to come round every Sunday for dinner [shocked]

[shewhowines]

Well he might have had a bit of a point on the last one. You hadn't said he wanted to commit to moving in with you.

[crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo]

He never mentioned it to me before as I had told him not until he had a stable job or any job as im not able to pay his way as well as mine & my Ds'

[shewhowines]

Fair enough then. If he made no effort to do that, then he wasn't that keen to move in with you.

[YouTheCat]

So he isn't working either? He wanted to go from sponging off his mum to sponging off you didn't he?

[pigletmania]

Good on you op, you don't want him freeloading from you, let mummy do that! Come round every sunday fr dinner, in YOUR house. My god he really is a dependent child, not an adult. You did well Crazy, here's to a new life, and finding yourself a Maaaaaan