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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my Boyfriends birthday & his mum

202 replies

crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo · 07/07/2013 22:48

First AIBU but I really need to know if I am .

Its my Bfs birthday on Tuesday , he has just told me he is going for a meal with his mum & family Tuesday evening so will be busy from 4 - 8 .
I have not been invited despite us been together for 3 years (we don't live together) .
He is working Tuesday morning until 1pm & i have appointments Tuesday from 1-4 (several appointments) .
He says it is not fair that i can't see him on his birthday & expects me to palm my Ds off on my Dm on a school night so i can take him out Hmm I have told him i won't do this as Ds comes first & i told him to ask his mum to make it later or for the day after & he can't as she will be upset (huge case of pfb) .
I thought i was his family but apparently not Confused as he does everything his mum says even if it means cancelling our plans Angry

Am I been unreasonable to think that after 3 years he would see me as his family as well as his mum & sometimes put our relationship first or should I just suck it up

OP posts:
pigletmania · 07/07/2013 23:24

And why are you with such a man who does not respect you or care for you Hmm. He sounds like a knob, this old be a dealbreaker for me. Leave the fecking bastard!!!!!

Original poster
crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo · 07/07/2013 23:31

Myname its weird because it wasn't just a cuddle he was led on the sofa having cuddles & quit frankly yes I would find it a bit odd if my 30 yo Ds was to do this .

Tommy He didnt choose his mum told him & he won't say no to her .

Bella I know , just taking a while to work up the courage

Imade Yes but he is not 4 years old & doesn't have school in the morning

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 07/07/2013 23:32

Nieces and nephews but not you. That's awful. Really it is.

To have a relationship with someone for three years and not to be invited to their birthday meal.

It's horrible.

McBalls · 07/07/2013 23:33

His mum is not the problem, his relationship with his mum is not the problem.
The fact the he doesn't include you -after 3 years- in a family meal for his birthday tells you loud and clear how little he thinks of you.
Or is it maybe that he knows how much you dislike his mum and is avoiding awkwardness?

Tommy · 07/07/2013 23:36

I go to my earlier question: how old is he?!
Hmm

bellablot · 07/07/2013 23:37

Why doesn't anyone else think that his mum leading him to the sofa for 'cuddles' at 30 fecking years old is not just plain weird? Men who have relationships like this with their mums are nothing more than wimps. Look, his mum is probably still wiping his arse so get out of the relationship now whilst you still can, you already have one DS to look after

SavoyCabbage · 07/07/2013 23:39

Tommy 30 on Tuesday - she said

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 23:40

Get yourself a grown up and dump the boy

Tommy · 07/07/2013 23:41

yes - I know how old he is...... behaving like a 4 year old.
that is my point
Hmm

Original poster
crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo · 07/07/2013 23:41

I don't dislike his mum , I just don't want to spend 4 days in a caravan with her .

I have just spoke to him & asked why me & Ds are not invited & he said he would ask his mum Confused
I even offered to pay for me & Ds but tbh id rather not go now .
Also now I know this is not all in my imagination I will be trying to leave him as can't be in a relationship with him while he is still tied to the apron strings

OP posts:
littleginger · 07/07/2013 23:41

I agree with others. Someone has said that it would be ott to ltb for this one thing but i think its very indicative of what he must be like and i cant imagine wanting to put up with that behaviour in the long term.
If 3 years is not established enough for you to be invited to these occasions then when would be?

SavoyCabbage · 07/07/2013 23:43

Whoops! Grin

"Trying to leave him" What do you mean? You don't live with him. Just dump him if that's what you want.

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 23:44

He would ask him mum! How old I he 6 that he needs to get his mums permission and can't speak for himself Shock. No op you need a man not a boy

Original poster
crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo · 07/07/2013 23:46

Savoy He is the type to do the guilt trip/suicide thing so need to try & do it lightly iyswim

OP posts:
McBalls · 07/07/2013 23:46

He will ask his mum if he's allowed to invite you to his birthday meal???

Honestly, this tells you everything you will ever need to know about this man.

You can't say you haven't been warned what to expect.

You'd be fucking crazy to continue seeing him.

fabergeegg · 07/07/2013 23:47

I'd be concerned. On the face of it, your boyfriend's family is not accepting your role in his life, and your boyfriend is not prioritising your role either. I have a fear of parents in law who aren't given a clear boundary line. Endless nightmare. If you're the only one with a small child, hard to see why the parents can't make it later.

Are you sure you've done everything you can to make things friendly between his parents and yourself? Do they know you'd happily come if asked?

I think maybe I would find a babysitter for one night of the year though. If it's something that really matters to him.

McBalls · 07/07/2013 23:47

Oh bollocks, now you're sounding as juvenile as him.

If you want to dump him, dump him.

fabergeegg · 07/07/2013 23:47

sorry, should have read the thread

Original poster
crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo · 07/07/2013 23:49

McBalls Hmm thanks

OP posts:
bellablot · 07/07/2013 23:50

What does this man do for a living?

SavoyCabbage · 07/07/2013 23:53

I think McBalls is saying, you don't need to play his games. His guilt trip\suicide games. He's not your responsibility. He's going to kill himself because you dump him, but he doesn't want you at his birthday meal.

pigletmania · 07/07/2013 23:55

Just dump him, he's not your responsibility, let mummy do it

Original poster
crazyhamsterdisguisedasahippo · 08/07/2013 00:03

Bellablot he has just started his own buisness building Vivariums

OP posts:
MrsMook · 08/07/2013 00:06

If you are not happy with the BF- mother triangle relationship. Leave him. Don't try. Don't think. Don't drag it out. Just do it. Get it over and done with. If you don't end it, what will the future be in a year, 5 years, 10 years.

It sounds like he already has a woman in his life- his mother. If he can't assert himself over his own 30th birthday plans, let her pick up the peices. Don't feel guilty. Free yourself to find someone worthy of you and DS to be a family with.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you won't be happy unless there's a major change to the relationship, and I can't see a relationship saving change about to happen in a hurry.

Fedupnagging · 08/07/2013 00:07

A 30yr old asking his Mum if his girlfriend of 3yrs can go out with them on his birthday? In answer to your original post, yadnbu.

After 3 years, I think that you should be a little higher in the pecking order/thought process. Guess you have to decide what you want to do about it, if anything.

Lots of advice here, but the decision is yours.