AIBU to expect school to change DD class so she can be with friends?

[oreocookiez]

DD due to go up to senior school in September, she has been in the same friendship group with 3 other girls since infant school...senior school have put the other 3 in one class and my DD in another. She is really upset and so are her friends.
DD has had a very emotional year, problems with ex husband emotionally abusing her, his GF was nothing but a complete bitch to her, in the end she stopped visiting him. It destroyed her confidence and she was a very quiet little girl for a while. This last term she has really perked up and has been getting back some of her confidence.
Letter from senior school arrived last Thursday with the class allocations in and she has been an emotional mess since, some of it hormones I expect but some of it rejection and knowing she will be the only one of her 4 friends in another class.
Phoned senior school and spoke to head of year 7, he was nice and said he understood and would see what he could do. He phoned back and said after discussing it with the deputy head he was not able to move her to the other class.
Rang and spoke to her (she was such an old bag), refused to listen to my point of view told me to make a complaint if I wasnt happy with her answer, Said it would do DD good to make more friends and that I was being over the top. Was flippant and rude, talked over me several times (I wanted to throttle her), she refused to move her point blank.
Transition day tomorrow DD not wanting to go in as she is so upset, back to hiding under her bed feeling sad and rejected...... Do I take her in or keep her at home.....????
Phoned Ed Authority who advised me to make a formal complaint in writing to the head teacher and then if that didnt work to make a complaint to the governers of the school.
I feel so angry they wouldnt listen am at a loss what to do tomorow....

Yes keep pushing for her to be with her friends because of her emotional state, friends are th best thing she can have. I'm surprised they didn't take this into account at transition time. Good luck.

2712, I have asked for this myself with one child. I think you'll find that many secondaries also ask the primaries if certain children would be best separated, too.

Neither seems likely in this case.

Why so angry though, 2712? If two children don't get on, why not ask that they be separated?

FWIW - my dd knew no one at her new secondary school, cried & was miserable on her transition day this time last year & is now in a circle of friends whoi are very similar to her & happy as larry. Personally I think it would be easier if they did just mix everyone up & no requests made & then it wouldn't seem so unfair. Best advice would be for her to be herself, do the things she enjoys doing & she will make new friends.

But that!s just it. My DS and this boy have always got on we'll. Other boy has asked lots of times if he can come for a sleepover with my DS and I have always said yes....... But his mum won't let him.
Think she has just taken a dislike to my DS however she's always been quite happy to let me drive her DS to and from school when the school have needed volunteers to take the kids on a day out somewhere

Hi all. thanks for the support. DD has been quiet this weekend and said to me why do all the bad things happen to me, she thinks she is cursed to a bad life.
I had a letter off the school yesterday acknowledging they had received my complaint and saying they will get back to me shiortly..... hope it gets sorted soon

Oreo. I used to work in a large secondary and help with placing the incoming students. The first placings were given to SN kids, and we chose how to best place them according to THEIR needs, not the most convenient for us.
Then we paired them up so that no one was alone.

I would say that they are badly failing your child.

I am out if date with the UK, but you used to be able to demand a meeting and IEP. You can do this route, and have written into her IEP that she needs to be with at least one friend.

I only had to sort out the English dept, but I went to hours of meetings with the junior schools so that we knew how to place students within all subject areas. Then we met them and talked to them and went to their schools and met their parents.

I had 7 main feeder schools to co-ordinate, and managed it.

As a teacher I try not to be a pushy parent, but in this case I would say SHOUT UP for your child. Complain, complain, complain.
Use SN, being a pushy parent, teacher contacts, whatever it takes.

The school have messed up and should be fixing this and apologizing to you and dd, and making sure that she is happy.

Ah bless, I keep thinking about your situation and wondering.

Personally, I'd give them until Wednesday, before I start chasing it up. It's easy to forget that there are actually only two working weeks to get this sorted, so you can't afford to hang about.

Looking forward to some good news for you.

So glad you have not let this drop OP. I have also contacted my DS s new school re this issue and have asked him to be moved.
Keep going and don't let them fob you off as your DCs happiness is too important.

I was changed class just before the Induction Day as my dad died the week before, so I was moved to be with my best friends. I'm suprised that with specialists/ other agencies being involved that there hasn't been more consideration of her friendship group.

Unfortunately his funeral was on the Induction Day. I went into school for the morning, and got picked up at around midday. At the start of the year I felt that I had missed out as teachers referred to things I had missed in the afternoon. It will be better for her in September to go on the Induction Day.

That must have been so hard for you, Mook.

Same thing happened to me when i started secondary school. I didnt like it but my parents made me go to school. I got over it!it was hard at first but i made new friends. You cant keep her off imo it doesnt set a good example, if she doesnt go in. Not everything in life goes the way we want it too, but wr just have to face it and deal with it.

Plus even though it was scary not having my friends in my group there were lots of people in same position as me so we had things in common! It helped my confidence and was a goid thing even if i didnt think so at the time

people with easy going dc don't get this at all. Anxious etc dc do NOT settle in and make new friends - they just get more anxious and end up school refusers which takes another school and teir parents months to sort out
the school needs to meet your dd's needs

YANBU and I also think you're fab for taking this further. A lot of posters and teachers can be very dismissive of children's friendships and do not understand that not all children are jolly-along types. I was bullied terribly at school as I didn't know anyone at first (and all the new friends I enthusiastically tried to make in the first term completely turned on me in the second term) I didn't get settled until year 10. I was a happy confident girl in year 6, friends with everyone, and was really a shadow of myself for the following few years. Don't let this go! You are doing the right thing.

Well I aked the school why my Ds had been split from his primary school friends and was furios when they told me that it was on the "recomendations of his primary school head", who thought it would be good for DS to have a "fresh" start.
The reacher from the secondary school spent about an hour with my DS and had decided in that time that he was super confident and so would make new friends very easily.
I told her that I had known my DS a bit longer than she had (11 years) and that he was in fact a very shy and sometimes anxious little boy who had only come across as super confident because he was in a group of friends.
Unfortunately she refused to put him in a class with his friends, so I went to the Heads office at the primary school to personally thank him for his fabulous recomendation
I also asked him if he would mind not having quite so much input when it came to DD and DS2 s time to move to secondary school with regards to allocation of form groups!

Fingers crossed thismousebites that the head was right & he has a fresh start. Bear in mind also, that children do behave differently away from their parents.

Hi all, had a chat on phone with the SN teacher of DD's new school who told me they are doing a proper investigation into my complaint about the deputy head and that my DD's needs have been ignored. I also had a phone call from their other deputy head asking if I could send a copy in of the letter I wrote back in may as they cant seem to find it! not good!
The SN teacher said no matter what they outcome they will help DD settle which still signals to me they may not move her.
Spoke to DD's junior school teacher yesterday to see if she is aware what's going on, she has had calls from DD's new school asking to talk to her. She had not got back to them as yet but was going into the new school this morning. She said she would back DD all the way and is hoping to be able to help.
Im not feeling too hopeful though and its starting to get to me now, am so worried they wont move her as I know how badly it will affect her and I know it sounds a little selfish but It is me who has to deal with the emotional backlash of it all and not the school!

Thanks for the update.

Really hope that they do sort it out. It just seems ridiculous that they didn't put one of her friends with her, and do a 2 & 2 split.

Don't give up. If they refuse to move her, get them to put their reasons in writing and inform them that they will be failing her if they don't move her and you will be escalating it as far as it needs to.

oreo do you think there is something someone is not telling you?
Have the parents of your DCs friends had anything to do with this decision at all?

My experience is that the SENCOs actually have little say in such things, so it is probably more that she is stating what she can do, which is help her settle no matter.

thismousebites I think you might be on to something there.
The school will be aware that the step up to high school is a big one. and each child will have challenges of their own.
I can imagine a situation where a parent does not want their DC to be nursemaid to an emotionally damaged child.The more the OP talks about how much her DD needs these other children, the more alarm bells will be ringing for the school about the expectations being loaded on the 3 friends.
I am sorry if this sounds harsh and I feel desperately sad for the OP's DD, but I think the only thing that makes sense is that a parent or parents have said something to the school and to be fair I can see both sides.

I have some sympathies, but when I started secondary school my close friends were in different reg classes, my son knew no-one when he started secondary school and I moved schools at 13 and again knew no-one.
My daughter was with a friend in her reg class but they fell out soon after wards and she had to make new friends. Both seem to have had different classes for different subjects since starting their schools, now they are older their friends are those who do the same subjects or have similar hobbies.
At their primary school they were always splitting the year group up into composite classes with other years due to the class numbers. if they got put in a different class to their friend then that's just what happened.
If I had made a big thing about it then maybe my kids would have picked up on that.
In this case as the girl seems very fragile then as her mum I would have tried to get her changed, but I wouldn't have told her that (so she isn't focussed on getting her class changed) and would be trying to build up her confidence so she doesn't see this as a rejection and just as teachers having to balance classes of lots of different children, and telling her that hardly anyone is still best friends with their primary school friends when they are older and lots of girls in her class will be looking for new friends.

Oh, OP, definitely do not let this go. I don't like the sound of your DD saying that all the bad things happen to her. DD has just had a complete meltdown (after GCSEs) and has been suicidal. I did not realise at the time just how bad things had been over the previous few years as she had played everything very close to her chest and told us nothing.

Please watch her and listen to her. I hope you get this resolved and the school will budge and put her at least in a class with one friend. Take the matter as high as you need to. Fight your DD's corner with all your might. I know you are already doing this. I'm just asking you to keep going. Some DC can cope with anything life throws at them and others (like your and my DD) are more fragile and need a bit more of a hand. I really, really pray that this gets resolved to your and your DD's satisfaction.