AIBU to expect school to change DD class so she can be with friends?

[oreocookiez]

DD due to go up to senior school in September, she has been in the same friendship group with 3 other girls since infant school...senior school have put the other 3 in one class and my DD in another. She is really upset and so are her friends.
DD has had a very emotional year, problems with ex husband emotionally abusing her, his GF was nothing but a complete bitch to her, in the end she stopped visiting him. It destroyed her confidence and she was a very quiet little girl for a while. This last term she has really perked up and has been getting back some of her confidence.
Letter from senior school arrived last Thursday with the class allocations in and she has been an emotional mess since, some of it hormones I expect but some of it rejection and knowing she will be the only one of her 4 friends in another class.
Phoned senior school and spoke to head of year 7, he was nice and said he understood and would see what he could do. He phoned back and said after discussing it with the deputy head he was not able to move her to the other class.
Rang and spoke to her (she was such an old bag), refused to listen to my point of view told me to make a complaint if I wasnt happy with her answer, Said it would do DD good to make more friends and that I was being over the top. Was flippant and rude, talked over me several times (I wanted to throttle her), she refused to move her point blank.
Transition day tomorrow DD not wanting to go in as she is so upset, back to hiding under her bed feeling sad and rejected...... Do I take her in or keep her at home.....????
Phoned Ed Authority who advised me to make a formal complaint in writing to the head teacher and then if that didnt work to make a complaint to the governers of the school.
I feel so angry they wouldnt listen am at a loss what to do tomorow....

Get SS and/or the ed psych talk to them if they have been involved. If she is that bad , she probably does need to be moved.

Yabu, sorry to hear of problems she has had, but not relevant to which registration class she goes in.

Hoolit her class teacher from juniors and the special needs teacher from juniors are writing to the school to support what I have asked. They have been supporting her with counselling at junior school and were brilliant through the whole court and CAFCAS process which was horrible for DD.

OP - was there a form to fill in, or meet and greet event where you could specify a friend or two that your DD mixes with?
This used to be my role in school and I always made sure parental requests were adhered to.
It will seem like a very big deal for your DD now but it really will mean nothing by Oct half term.

Is there a summer school at the high school she can attend and get to know some new friends before school starts properly? We have two weeks of summer school and it is a lifesaver for kids who have come from non-feeder schools, out of the area, vulnerable kids, those with SEN etc.

Life is full of disappointments and part of helping your DD to be an independent person is to give her the skills to deal with them. It's difficult, but Mum can't step in all the time to make it better.
Why not have a discussion with her about all the fantastic new people she will meet, and she can still meet up with her old friends at break times?
She should at least give it a chance, but a big part of how successful that is will be down to her attitude at the start. If you are positive and up-beat about it, it will help, but if you are full of negativity then she will certainly pick up on that.

Op - given your update then I can understand your concern more than I did. However, take heart that I am sure she will settle. Get some very quick 'play' dates set up with the new friends in her class.

There must be a reason for the decision. Regardless of the deputy head being an old bag (as I think you put it), both the head of year 7 and her cant be wrong. They cant both be children haters who deliberately want to make your dds life harder. I still think there must be more to it.

I can understand why this matters so much, given what she's been through, but she will be in lots of different classes and there's going to be nothing you can do about it. It's not like primary where you've got the class and they stay in the same room and they're all together.

She'll go to registration and then the bell will go and the kids will scatter to their different classes. Then swap round after break. Then it's lunch and then back to reg and then scatter again for the afternoon lessons.

If she's in the same registration group - she may see them for 5 minutes twice a day if she's not in any of the same classes!

I know it's going to be hard for her but she may see some of them in the different classes and they can meet up to eat lunch together so if it is just about sitting with different people while the teacher calls the register, it honestly will be be ok, if you can help her to see it.

Well to be brutally honest thats the way life works, sorry but she will have to get used to it. There will be other kids from her school in her class so she will not be in a class where she does not know anybody. She will be there to learn for her future not socialise so why on earth does she need her best friends with her?

Definitely send her in tomorrow. Keeping her home will just make the situation worse. If she knows that you believe she will do badly without her friends, then she will never find the confidence to make the best of it, and she may well end up having to stay in the class she has been allocated.

If she doesn't go in, she will find it even harder to make new friends when the term starts.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can already, but I don't think you can expect the school to swop your dd just because you have asked them to. There will be other parents that aren't happy with allocations, probably some that have their own valid reasons for thinking their child should be accommodated, and they can't fix it for everyone.

I know it's horrible when this happens, we went through similar last year and it was awful. But it has turned out really well.

frogwatcher, I thought that myself if there was more too it.... her current junior school teacher said to me that she had recommeded that DD be placed with at least one of the other 3 but there are no guarantees.... it is such a shame as she was really starting to perk up. EP said to SENCO that she should have minimal upset as was worried she would have to see Child and adolescent mental health if her self esteem confidence got worse.

It would be very difficult for them to change her form class, as to do so another student would also have to swop with her ( why should they? they may be happy with their form class) or one of the form groups would have to increase in size (31 students? some classrooms may have difficulties accommodating this?).

I'm sure she will settle, but it must be difficult for her to see that at the moment.

I really feel for your DD but to be fair i think she's lucky that she has one of her 4 closest friends in her class. My DD will be with non of her 3 best friends though she doesn't need the emotional support that your DD does.

I know it's a bit late but i really think that you should have written to the school before the class allocations. As it is i would write to the school with your complaint (but try and smooth over your clash with the deputy head) and hopefully if there's some shuffling of classes in the months to come, then they may take your wishes into consideration.

I would reassure her that these are Form classes only and that she might even end up with all her friends in subject lessons. Ask her to give it a go and make sure you have plenty of treats for when she gets home tomorrow.

It's such a big step for them to be moving to high school. Even children without the past emotional abuse are probably feeling a little nervous right now.

Actually I don't think YABU. At the very least the school could offer to split 2 and 2 if they feel she needs to get out of her friendship circle more. Transition to secondary school is a bloody big deal maybe some posters are forgetting how absolutely terrifying it is. I knew no one at my new school and I was dreading it. To know my three best friends were in another class without me would have ruined my summer holiday, knocked my confidence, made me dread starting school and that's without all the hassle your DD has gone through with her dad. I'd recommend the ed psych writes a letter recommending minimum upset including not splitting up friendship group. I have a feeling the school must have done this deliberately/for a reason because (I imagine) feeder primary schools tell secondary schools who the friendship groups have been and who to keep split up. Perhaps you need to find out why.

In my school you got taught in your form until GCSES then it was by subject streamed so you'd only see them break and lunch.

I don't think YABU. If all four friends had been separated fair enough but to keep three together and leave one to fend for themselves is not on.

I do think you take her in tomorrow but I would keep on with the head re. The complaint.

It would have devastated me as an 11 year old.

OldBeanbagz she isnt with anyone from her friendship group... teacher from junior wrote her recommendations for seniors but there are no guarantees, I did contact them at the start of this term and put my concerns in writing. They just dont care! DD inconsolable ATM, bloody school!

Hate the high handed arrogance of teacher you spoke to. Reminds me of my dreadful head of year when my best friend and I aged 11 plucked up the courage to go to her office to put our case for my friend to move to our class with the rest of our friendship group. She smugly told us we would probably not still be friends by the end of the next term. 30 years later we are still friends and my poor pal spent 5 years in the "wrong" class having to make arrangements every break to meet up with the rest of us.

Op - only you know this as none of us know what she has been through etc. However, from what you are saying it appears that she is very reliant on things remaining as they are and very reliant on the other 3 girls. Is that really a good thing going into high school - for the other girls, and your dd? Rather than maintaining the status quo, maybe good strong support to cope with the change and develop a wider group of friends will actually be beneficial?

From the other girls points of view it must be quiet challenging having somebody totally reliant on you at such a young age. I still think there is more to it and this maybe the reason. I know from experience that parents will say one thing to your face and yet another to the teachers - I still wonder if one, two or three of them requested a change. But I expect (and hope) I am wrong.

If the EP feels so strongly they could write in, as could the SENCO but to be honest the friendships will drift and change in time anyway. Will your dd cope if the friends drift off with others and leave her in a month or two and they are in the same class? Or would that be preferable to having to get new friends now, with the excuse that they were placed in different classes.

I agree that it wouldn't seem so bad to her if they were all separated, but to know that three are together and you are the only one apart, must be very upsetting for any child, let alone one with issues anyway.

I strongly suggest you don't keep her home tomorrow. That catastrophizes the situation and encourages her to feel that the world is doing her a great injury. And genuinely makes her situation worse because she misses out on some interaction with her new classmates.

I see why you're trying to save her from any little hurt you can control at the moment, because there has been so much beyond your control that you couldn't help her with, but truly this would not be a good idea.

Round here each child chooses a "buddy" to go up to high school with so that no-one is on their own. The year 7 learning mentor at DD's school told me that threesomes never work out, and I'm surprised they do this at your DD's next school.

Does the school know the background? As it does seem unfair to split the group into three and one.

Incidentally, by the first half term most of the pupils weren't going around with their "buddies", but had made new friends.

Sorry oreocookiez i misread your post.

In which case i'd complain a bit more forcefully and if you don't get anywhere with the head of year/deputy head, then write to the head or to the governors.

If you can only persuade her to go tomorrow, i'm sure she's make a few friends and will have the chance to meet up with the old ones at lunchtime/after school.

frogwatcher DD does have other friends in school and doesnt depend on the other 3. They are all close friends and tend to do most things together. DD been invited to go camping next W/E with one of girls. I can see your way of thinking but to split her up from all of them seems very unkind. Its swings and roundabouts I suppose, last year one of the girls dads left and the other 3 were there for her... ones dog died last week they all supported her. They are a sweet little bunch.. weekends consist of taking turns for sleepovers, park and going to someones house including them all being here.... If one of them was unhappy with DD I feel I would have noticed or the other mums would have mentioned it. ( I hope).

Its a pity this has happened but she should definitely go to the transition day and see how it goes - it may turn out fine and if it doesn't it gives you a firmer ground for complaint. Its reasonable for a school to have a policy of not swapping people around unless there is a clear necessity for it - would cause all manner of problems.

FWIW my dd only knew two other girls when she started secondary, they were together in a different form from her (they split them strictly by alphabetical order of surname, except if there are twins who don't want to be together). So of course, DD made new friends in addition to them. They're meant to be working in class at secondary and even if working in groups that's often not with their best buddies. Her best friends aren't in her form, they're bus pals but they meet up at break.

It feels harsh that she is the only one of her group on her own. I would go with it for now and see how she gets on, get her excited about meeting new friends and if it really doesn't work then go back to the school. My DD was the only one in her year 7 class last Sept, but she chose it to be that way. She was excited about making new friends and now has a group of great friends. It's worrying and upsetting but try to be positive and encourage her.