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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect school to change DD class so she can be with friends?

273 replies

oreocookiez · 02/07/2013 17:33

DD due to go up to senior school in September, she has been in the same friendship group with 3 other girls since infant school...senior school have put the other 3 in one class and my DD in another. She is really upset and so are her friends.
DD has had a very emotional year, problems with ex husband emotionally abusing her, his GF was nothing but a complete bitch to her, in the end she stopped visiting him. It destroyed her confidence and she was a very quiet little girl for a while. This last term she has really perked up and has been getting back some of her confidence.
Letter from senior school arrived last Thursday with the class allocations in and she has been an emotional mess since, some of it hormones I expect but some of it rejection and knowing she will be the only one of her 4 friends in another class.
Phoned senior school and spoke to head of year 7, he was nice and said he understood and would see what he could do. He phoned back and said after discussing it with the deputy head he was not able to move her to the other class.
Rang and spoke to her (she was such an old bag), refused to listen to my point of view told me to make a complaint if I wasnt happy with her answer, Said it would do DD good to make more friends and that I was being over the top. Was flippant and rude, talked over me several times (I wanted to throttle her), she refused to move her point blank.
Transition day tomorrow DD not wanting to go in as she is so upset, back to hiding under her bed feeling sad and rejected...... Do I take her in or keep her at home.....????
Phoned Ed Authority who advised me to make a formal complaint in writing to the head teacher and then if that didnt work to make a complaint to the governers of the school.
I feel so angry they wouldnt listen am at a loss what to do tomorow....

OP posts:
thismousebites · 10/07/2013 14:22

No do not let this drop. I'm glad I didn't even if it has caused the shit to hit the fan.
I told the Head that i had been "reliably informed" that certain parents had requested for my DS to not go into the same class as their DS. I hadn't but it was the only way I felt I could get the truth out of him.
He did have the decency to look shamefaced and waffled on about how he had to take parental preference into consideration. I thanked him for allowing me the same consideration (not), as it would at least have been nice to have been informed instead of having to play cat and bloody mouse with him.
Having 2 younger DCs still at his school, I informed him that in future I would not be acting as the school taxi, taking other peoples kids out on school trips, so they had better inform the other parents. I also told him not to try to get me to donate money, raffle items, buy raffle tickets, donate on non uniform day etc etc, as from now on all I required from him was to teach my DCs the national curriculum.
He looked a bit gobsmacked but I just thought so what?
All I wanted was for him to be upfront and straight with me not hide shit like this, as I may have been a little more understanding about it if he had.
OP, do not give up until you have got to the bottom of it!

InViennaWeWerePoetry · 10/07/2013 15:53

No words of wisdom I'm afraid, but I'm in a similar situation. My DD has been with me roughly 2 months now under special guardianship and at her new school for a matter of weeks, 2 of which have been missed due to circumstances out of my control in the transition period. Despite all the disruption, she's started to make friends with a nice group of girls in her class. I've had a letter home from school today informing me they're trialing a new system of mixing the classes up next year, along with the new class lists for year 4 and none of DD's new friends are in said new class, she doesn't even recognise half the names Hmm These things might not matter to all children, but for others like my DD and the OP's who are in a difficult situation emotionally to start with, I can see how it can make all the difference. I'm drafting an email to the HT this evening.

thismousebites · 10/07/2013 16:13

Good for you InVienna.
Makes me spit blood that these "professionals" can mess with our DCs heads due mainly to what seems to me sheer bloodymindedness.

melika · 10/07/2013 16:38

My DS had no friends when he started secondary, now he has plenty of new friends. Sometimes it can be a disaster to go up to secondary school with your old classmates, I did and I was bullied by them. I had an awful few years. Sometimes, its better to let it be.

InViennaWeWerePoetry · 10/07/2013 17:09

But Melika, surely in the case of the OP's DD, given the circumstances, it's better for her to have the best support network possible in the transition from primary to secondary? You're quite right, some children go to secondary with no friends and have no choice but to start from scratch, but the OP's daughter already has a close, established group of friends. It's a different situation. I went from a tiny school of 8 to a year to a school of almost 100 to a year mid secondary knowing no one and although I suffered from confidence issues on the whole I coped fine, so I know it can be done. However, I had no emotional problems at the time, they can make a huge difference to a child.

In the case of my own daughter, she's 7, has recently been removed from an abusive home environment and started completely afresh in a different school just over a month ago. She's done the going with the flow and starting from scratch thing once already this term thanks, she really doesn't need to do it all over again come September.

thismousebites · 10/07/2013 23:15

Well my DH doesn't seem to share my concerns on this issue. He claims that when he started at secondary school he didn't know anyone either.
I pointed out to him that was totally different seeing as how he had just moved up to Derbyshire from Wembley.
Some people just don't get it.

Preciousbane · 10/07/2013 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedHelenB · 11/07/2013 07:54

I think it could well be that the other parents have requested this. One I knew about had a lot of issues & a very kind hearted friend but the mother of kind hearted friend thought she needed a fresh start, unburdened by someone elses problems. Both were lovely girls.

melika · 11/07/2013 11:58

But Invienna they were my best friends and I think we were together because of this.

Biggest mistake of my life.

thismousebites · 11/07/2013 13:23

I would have hated having to move to secondary school without my friends.
Admittedly we did all sort of drift away from each other over the years by choice on all sides and no bad feelings involved.
But we all supported each other at the beginning and I hate to think of any child not having this support.

bruffin · 11/07/2013 14:19

Unfortunately know too many cases like Melika and Preciousbane where friends have been far from supportive and caused a lot of heartache.

melika · 11/07/2013 15:10

So OP its not all doom and gloom, she will probably be better off. You have heard 'familiarity breeds conptempt'.

xylem8 · 13/07/2013 20:36

any further news?

Original poster
oreocookiez · 16/07/2013 20:17

hi all just to update everyone who has been offering me support, the school have changed their mind and decided to move dd to the other tutor group with her friends in, she is overjoyed and so are her friends. She is so looking forward to senior school now. I even had a letter of apology from the cowbag deputy head saying she admitted to not looking into the circumstances before making her mind up about my decision. All sorted now :-) :-)

OP posts:
Sirzy · 16/07/2013 20:19

Fantastic news!

BrianTheMole · 16/07/2013 20:30

Thats brilliant. Well done.

Lilka · 16/07/2013 20:32

Brilliant news :)

Hope your DD enjoys going come September and has a great school experience

ExitPursuedByABear · 16/07/2013 20:35

Well done

Original poster
oreocookiez · 16/07/2013 20:37

Ive just been reading through some of the bloody awful things people said.... why post and be unkind? it was really nice as the mums of her 4 best friends wrote supportive letters sayng their daughters were also sad they had been separated from my dd.

OP posts:
christinarossetti · 16/07/2013 20:39

Great, and very promising in terms of how the school deals with things that the deputy head had the strength of character to write and apologise.

Hoolit · 16/07/2013 20:41

Very pleased for you and your daughter.

BrianTheMole · 16/07/2013 20:48

why post and be unkind?

bored and nothing better to do I expect.

skyeskyeskye · 16/07/2013 21:40

Well Done. I wish my parents had fought for me like you fought for your DD and then I might have had a happier time in secondary school.

Your DD should be very proud of you.

PastaBeeandCheese · 16/07/2013 21:47

I'm pleased for you OP. Hope you and your DD enjoy the summer break and have a great countdown to September.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 16/07/2013 21:50

wowzers. have just rtft. well done op for not giving up and sticking up for your dd. sounds like she has lots of support around her. im so glad she's happier now. i hope she has a fab time at school with her friends Grin