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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect school to change DD class so she can be with friends?

273 replies

oreocookiez · 02/07/2013 17:33

DD due to go up to senior school in September, she has been in the same friendship group with 3 other girls since infant school...senior school have put the other 3 in one class and my DD in another. She is really upset and so are her friends.
DD has had a very emotional year, problems with ex husband emotionally abusing her, his GF was nothing but a complete bitch to her, in the end she stopped visiting him. It destroyed her confidence and she was a very quiet little girl for a while. This last term she has really perked up and has been getting back some of her confidence.
Letter from senior school arrived last Thursday with the class allocations in and she has been an emotional mess since, some of it hormones I expect but some of it rejection and knowing she will be the only one of her 4 friends in another class.
Phoned senior school and spoke to head of year 7, he was nice and said he understood and would see what he could do. He phoned back and said after discussing it with the deputy head he was not able to move her to the other class.
Rang and spoke to her (she was such an old bag), refused to listen to my point of view told me to make a complaint if I wasnt happy with her answer, Said it would do DD good to make more friends and that I was being over the top. Was flippant and rude, talked over me several times (I wanted to throttle her), she refused to move her point blank.
Transition day tomorrow DD not wanting to go in as she is so upset, back to hiding under her bed feeling sad and rejected...... Do I take her in or keep her at home.....????
Phoned Ed Authority who advised me to make a formal complaint in writing to the head teacher and then if that didnt work to make a complaint to the governers of the school.
I feel so angry they wouldnt listen am at a loss what to do tomorow....

OP posts:
shewhowines · 04/07/2013 11:00

I would write and thank them for thinking of your Dds special needs in putting her with an lsa, however in this case, that thinking will backfire because of the friend issue and then explain.

Come across as reasonable and reiterate that a solution needs to be found that really does address you DD's particular needs. At present this is not it, and indeed, is actually putting her under more pressure and stress which is completely counterproductive.

I can't stress enough the requesting everything in writing again. I managed to get DD moved class because of this and was seen to be reasonable because I kept calm, put good reasons in writing and perservered. Other parents have not got what they wanted because they failed in one or more of those areas.

If you have a meeting, immediately follow up with an email summarising what was said in the meeting. Take notes during it even. EVERYTHING needs to be recorded.

DeWe · 04/07/2013 11:42

Sounds not dissimilar to when I was told that dd2 (physical disability) had to be separated from her friend because she had to have a particular teacher. Why? Because that teacher had taught a deaf boy before. Confused
Um... forgive me but I think my (then) 4yo could have demonstrated how dd2 and her friend could have been placed with the same teacher together. And I didn't think teaching a deaf child had any relevance at all to teaching dd2 anyway. (SENCO laughed when I told them-they'd recommended putting her with her friend)

My personal opinion was that they did it without thinking and then had to think of a reason later, and that was the best they came up with, and I would suspect the same in your situation. If nothing else, if it really had been such an informed decision that they thought was unanswerable they would have told you why when they first said no.

In my case I mentioned this to the head a couple of years later and he was furious about it. Said that should never have happened. So I would go and talk to the head. And tell him what the DHD said to your dd. That's dreadful.

Loa · 04/07/2013 12:02

I'd put your reasons in writing to the head and why their logic is flawed and try and get written back up from professionals currently involved with your DD.

Writing is harder to ignore and going to the top to get things done is often quicker would also by pass the deputy head - who does seem to be dismissing the problems and labeling it as you being upset.

I think they are not currently understanding your DD issues and needs.

It is important. I didn't have any of the problems your DD has - I'm was just shy but I was separate from my friends. First two years I was with new class for all but maths and it was that way till G.C.S.E years. The rest of my class was in friendship groups and didn't really mix - new friends I did make were in lower sets and only saw for P.E.. It really didn't make for a happy time for me and caused unnecessary stress. Obviously I got though it - but I don't think it did me any favors.

Original poster
oreocookiez · 04/07/2013 20:55

Hi, thanks for those of you who are so kind and supportive. I have written and attached medical letters via email to HT, the schools complaint procedures state she has 3 working days to respond. DD was unhappy this morning but I told her this will be sorted, I will do what I have to do. They are with tutor groups all over year 7 and only streamed in maths. I wish people on here would stop saying it doesnt matter, please tell that to my DD! Thanks again for the lovely people on here x

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByABear · 04/07/2013 22:02

Hope your dd is ok. I have had similar issues with my dd. It is so important.

BrianTheMole · 04/07/2013 22:15

Well done op. Hope you sort it out. Keep us posted.

ukatlast · 04/07/2013 23:17

Quote OP: 'Deputy head came over to her to ask if she was settling in and said "has your mum calmed down now?" - am really pissed off she asked her that'

The way I see this is that Headteachers command their salary and position because of their ability to overrule overzealous Deputy Heads like this one...she is a total biatch based on what you have described but you've got to put your case for them to be in a position to overrule her. This Deputy Head is happy to keep fobbing off. The first teacher you spoke to was sympathetic but unable to overrule the biatch.

It is not the norm for kids to cry on their induction day at Senior School and they know this.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/07/2013 00:02

I agree with others re writing down the reasons why to send to the school.

I can completely understand why it is a big issue for your DD. The group set up was very important in my school too as we were taught in those groups exclusively (except for PE,Maths and the languages) exclusively until year 10. I'm fairly sure my high school experience would have been more pleasant had I been in a form with primary school friends.

I hope you can get the school to see why you're so concerned.

ljny · 05/07/2013 00:41

Good on you standing up for your daughter, Op. She's had a horrid time. It's not a normal situation, and here's hoping the school recognises that rather than digging in their misguided heels.

xylem8 · 05/07/2013 09:46

Glad to hear you are fighting your DDs corner and wish you the best of luck getting this sorted so that she doesn't spend all summer worrying.

In the meantime emphasis to her that a secondary school is very different to a primary one.it is not really a place for socialising and chatting, it is a lot more quiet and purposeful.At our school even in art they are not allowed to chat much.
Also when she meets up with her friends at break and lunch they will have lots to talk about comparing different teachers (and boys!)with her friends in teh other class

Hullygully · 05/07/2013 09:55

keep fighting.

stupid fuckwits.

go you!

Hullygully · 05/07/2013 09:56

When my dd (with no real issues) changed schools she was sent for a taster day with one class, and then put in another one when she actually started. She came out really upset and I went straight to the HT who apologized and moved her to the original class.

These things REALLY matter when you're a child.

Fumingorange · 05/07/2013 09:58

Of course it matters, your poor DD. I think you are bloody brilliant for trying to sort t out. Many parents wouldn't bother. I really hope the school sort it out for your DD.

christinarossetti · 05/07/2013 11:15

It's not necessarily the case that they will mix at breaks or lunchtimes actually - many schools stagger them.

Good luck, OP. Hope that this is sorted quickly.

WillowinGloves · 05/07/2013 22:26

Totally agree with shewhowines. That's how we succeeded too.

Useful phrases like 'addressing her needs' make it more objective and harder for them to dismiss you as a 'mum who needs calming down' (cannot believe that was said to your DD!!)

Your DD may be too fragile to contribute but I think the other reason we succeeded is that my DD came to meetings with me and was able to put her own case clearly. She was actually more determined than me! Perhaps your DD could write something to be taken into account?

Hope it goes well - do let us know.

PS. Maureen - wish you were in our school!

thebody · 05/07/2013 22:58

Keep going op. well done and keep us posted.

Love Maureen.

Burmillababe · 05/07/2013 23:01

YABU - you can't expect the school to change classes around because of one child - presumably she will still be able to see her friends.

cory · 05/07/2013 23:08

"YABU - you can't expect the school to change classes around because of one child -"

You can if the child has a special reason for needing the support of her friends. Just like you can change classes to a different floor to accommodate one child if that child happens to have mobility problems. Schools do that sort of thing all the time. Special cases call for special measures.

primroseyellow · 05/07/2013 23:41

My DS was separated from his friends in a similar way when he went to secondary school. He was miserable for the whole of the first term (and this never improved, if anything he became even more miserable) until I finally persuaded the school to move him. I deeply regret not taking action earlier. I have never forgiven the school for what they did (going into everything I found out about the school's dubious reasons would take too long). DS has left school now but I still feel incredibly angry when I think about it. So you are right to argue your daughter's case and the school's argument about her needing an LSA is frankly ludicrous, she needs to be with her friends to settle and the school should accommodate this.

2712 · 05/07/2013 23:43

My DS has the same problem. Only five children from his primary going to the same secondary school in Sept, he is the only one not in the same form group as the other four who will all be together. Think this is so unfair as school policy makes a big deal about keeping friends together.
Not happy about this and he hasn't even started there yet!

Lilka · 05/07/2013 23:52

Only just seen this thread

I completely agree with cory

I hope your complaint works and your DD is quickly moved (or has a friend moved to her class). The set up of your DD's class seems tough even on a completely happy child, it's very hard to make friends if most kids are already in groups.

The DH was completely unprofessional and I would be fuming and complain about that as well

I think some people are assuming that all children are capable of adjusting after being mostly cut off from their friends. A girl like the OP's DD probably isn't capable of adjusting happily in the class set up described. It isn't like 11 year olds possess the coping skills that 18 year olds usually possess when they move to university, so I'm not sure why someone is comparing to that either

2712 · 05/07/2013 23:57

Surely that can't be true? That parents at primary school can ask for thier child NOT to be placed in the same class as such and such! Does that really happen, and do the school really go along with it?

Lilka · 06/07/2013 00:07

2712 It does happen. A work colleague of mine asked for her child to NOT be in class with a girl who had been bullying hers - the primary school had been hopeless at dealing with it sadly, and her DD had been called names, taunted, kicked and pushed etc. So she asked the sec school for seperate classes, which she got

Willabywallaby · 06/07/2013 07:24

I have now changed my mind with 'it's character building' (it did always wind me up when my Dad said it). I wish you all the best for sorting out this upsetting situation.

2712 · 06/07/2013 07:47

Well if I hear so much as a bloody whisper that any of the parents have done that with my DS there will be some shit happening. I am normally quite timid and tend to avoid any kind of confrontation but I would seriously lose my rag over this.
I have a sneaky suspiscion about one of the other pupils. His mum has always disaproved of our DCs friendship as she looks down on nearly all the other parents. Would so enjoy letting her have both barrels!
If I asked the school why my DS had been placed in a different class would they be obliged to tell me?