AIBU to expect school to change DD class so she can be with friends?

[oreocookiez]

DD due to go up to senior school in September, she has been in the same friendship group with 3 other girls since infant school...senior school have put the other 3 in one class and my DD in another. She is really upset and so are her friends.
DD has had a very emotional year, problems with ex husband emotionally abusing her, his GF was nothing but a complete bitch to her, in the end she stopped visiting him. It destroyed her confidence and she was a very quiet little girl for a while. This last term she has really perked up and has been getting back some of her confidence.
Letter from senior school arrived last Thursday with the class allocations in and she has been an emotional mess since, some of it hormones I expect but some of it rejection and knowing she will be the only one of her 4 friends in another class.
Phoned senior school and spoke to head of year 7, he was nice and said he understood and would see what he could do. He phoned back and said after discussing it with the deputy head he was not able to move her to the other class.
Rang and spoke to her (she was such an old bag), refused to listen to my point of view told me to make a complaint if I wasnt happy with her answer, Said it would do DD good to make more friends and that I was being over the top. Was flippant and rude, talked over me several times (I wanted to throttle her), she refused to move her point blank.
Transition day tomorrow DD not wanting to go in as she is so upset, back to hiding under her bed feeling sad and rejected...... Do I take her in or keep her at home.....????
Phoned Ed Authority who advised me to make a formal complaint in writing to the head teacher and then if that didnt work to make a complaint to the governers of the school.
I feel so angry they wouldnt listen am at a loss what to do tomorow....

OP I hope your DD is okay today.

This happened to me and I never really recovered from it - that might sound melodramatic, but all my friends were in one other class, I was on my own in mine, yes, we saw each other in lessons, but not that many, and in the meantime I missed out on all the in-jokes, the things that they'd done together that morning in registration, never got to sit with them in assembly, never had a partner in PE, on trips away I was with my class and they were with theirs - I had the crap bullied out of me at school by my 'new friends' and was lonely and miserable, feeling like I was on the outside of things all the time. I wasn't a confident child and found it very hard to make new friends. I'm still in contact with my one best friend and FB with some of the others I was split from, but none of the people in my actual class, the ones I was supposed to make new friends with.

I think some people on this thread have been remarkably harsh. I do hope you manage to get it sorted out.

I agree - one of the reasons schools have classes is the children bond with each other and their teacher as a unit. School trips, sports days etc can be a real issue.

There are some comments here that would be harsh and dismissive even without the special circumstances of this very distressed little girl. And which do not seem to acknowledge that every school organises teaching and classes differently. And for those who say the school can't take all this into account - some schools can and do and would never do a 3:1 split unless there was a good reason - so they clearly think it is important and does matter. Not all children settle in and change friendship groups quickly.

OP, I do hope it goes OK today for your dd, try and be positive to her and with her, help her see the positives, and in the background try and see what you can find out about how the school is organised - for example, some schools have form groups, teaching groups, a house system, vertical tutoring etc etc, and see where that takes you. I would try to work with the school if you can.

I have found that often thing I thought would be an issue were not and vice versa - I hope this proves the case for your dd and that she settles happily.

Some comments here are so lacking in understanding but that's probably ignorance and lucky posters.

My older lads would have been told all will be fine and get on.

Dd3 unfortunately is like your dd op and Corey's, emotionally fragile due to outside dreadful events so need far more sensitive careful handling and its very difficult.

Op agree with Corey, be enthusiastic, encourage new friends and keep plugging away at the school.

Love cat, hope you are ok, that's a sad post.

Anyway Op, I really hope it has all gone well today and she has put some effort into getting to know the other kids in her form.

You know Xylem for some children just getting there will be a huge effort , it would be lovely if everyone was robust and able to make friends and smile easily but for some children this is a massive ask .

I fell for the " it will be fine, they all make friends " line , it wasn't like that for my ds , I wish now I had paid more attention to his distress and less to well meaning adults who thought everything could be solved by " manning up"

Outt, so difficult but you can only do what you think best at time. Absolutely true that kids are individuals and swim while others need help not to sink.

Fine balance.

I think the op has a grevience. If the school ask about friendship groups and then ignore the results then why bloody ask.

They should have split the friends in two groups of two.

'If the school ask about friendship groups and then ignore the results then why bloody ask.'

I agree thebody And why put some kids with NO friends and some in groups of 5? That is what happened to my DD and some other girls another year.

I think a few people are being way over the top. "Psychologically damaged" is not a term that is used very often at all because it's inappropriate as well as plain wrong in this context. While I do think the OP is going too far in getting things changed, if her DD starts and cannot settle, then she has every right to fight, fight, fight but at least let her try the transition day! Children and young people who have had difficult experiences obviously should be supported adequately but it's not helpful to constantly run around in circles catastrophising. The DD may very well be picking up on her mum's anxiety - says the person who picked up on her mum's anxiety about her daughter starting secondary school and thus, I used to vomit with anxiety!

I think it is very harsh that 3 are in the same form without your DD.

Just popping in to see if OPs dd had a good day. I do hope so.

I wonder if just maybe the transition team have put her in that group as there's someone else in a similar situation and they can see a friendship could be made? You just don't know without being there really...

I work at a secondary school and I know that the team have spent weeks and weeks visiting all the new students, speaking with their current teachers and then at least 2 days grouping them all for yr 7.

No school worth it's salts would make a child stay in a tutor group if they knew she was not happy. Transition to yr7 ranks as one of the most traumatic times for our youngsters and of course that upsets us, if we see our baby's are upset, BUT you have to let the school do this. Of course, you know your kid best, but they're not just pulling names out of a hat. There will be a reason.

If its the wrong reason, then it can be changed.

God Maureen your school sounds lovely and so do you.

Hope ops dd was ok today.

It seems really unfair to put three out of four friends together, and one on their own. I think this would be difficult even for a fairly confident child.

OP - I hope that the transition day has gone well, and your dd has found some other nice children in her form.

Thank you Thebody I've just seen and helped through so many very sad and unhappy yr7s, not just with tutor group issues, that I can't believe that in this day and age schools don't have the best interest of the children at heart.

YADNBU

I am in the same boat. Three classes, four best mates, my son is the one who has been put in a class on his own.

I am a teacher at said school and I know that in year 7 all classes are in their form class, starts to change in year 8. My son has said he will not be able to be himself with these kids. He is genuinely upset, been with his friends since age 4 years old. I have emailed headteacher and asked him to be moved. No classes are full so shouldn't cause any issues at all, fingers crossed!

YANBU. It sounds really harsh to put 3 kids from a friendship group in one class, and the other 1 in a class by herself - even if we were talking about a confident child without the issues that the OP's DD has. And not all kids do settle down and find new friends easily. Not all kids are confident or good at making friends.

I was in a similar position in secondary school and never settled in. All my friends from primary ended up in different tutor groups to me, all with at least one other friend in their tutor group. (And this was a big deal, as my secondary school taught the tutor groups together for all subjects except PE in yrs 7 & 8. Streaming for Maths and English started in yr 9, but all other subjects were still with the same tutor group.) I was an extremely shy child, and at the age of 11 was still too terrified of new people to make friends easily. I never managed to make any friends within my tutor group, and ended up being bullied or ignored by most of the kids within the tutor group, while gradually losing contact with my old friends. End result being that by the time we got to yr 11, I was completely isolated socially.

Anyway, I hope the OP keeps trying and manages to get the school to look at this again, and get her DD into a class with at least one of the girls from her friendship group. And I agree that in the meantime, it's important for the OP to be as positive as possible to her DD about starting school and meeting new people.

Thanks for all the supportive and understanding messages. My Dh and DS2 tried really hard last night and this morning to be upbeat and positive about how she would meet new people and have a great day, ds2 arranged to meet her at lunch to say a quick hello and told her all about the great cookies they have in the lunch room. When we arrived at the school DD's friends waiting for her and we all went in together, 3 went to one line and she went to the other.... DD burst into tears and so did one of DD's friends. There were other kids around upset so she wasnt the only one! I kept being positive and then had to leave. Texts from her at lunch time saying she was so miserable. Only 2 girls in her class from her other school, 4 from another and her. All ready established as friends! She said her class had lunch first and she sat on her own but tried to talk to the other girls who were not really chatting back.
Deputy head came over to her to ask if she was settling in and said "has your mum calmed down now?" - am really pissed off she asked her that

As she was going back to her classroom DD sees other 3 of her group arm in arm walking to the lunch room, they ran to see her and all had a quick chat then DD had to leave them.

When I picked DD up she was in a state, had been crying most of the day and looked awful. I tried to be positive and asked her about the cookies and what they did but didnt make any difference.

During the day I did some investigating after some suggestions from you all - went to junior school saw HT and explained situation, she assured me that nothing had been said to the senior school about seperating DD and she felt it was unfair they had done a 3 - 1 split. She rang the SN teacher who came down to talk to me and also said the same thing , that it was nothing to do with them why they had been split. She said she felt I should make a fuss and DD was not the kind of girl who would find it easy to "get on with it". Rang up senior school spoke to another SN lady who said the reason DD had been put in that class was that as she wasnt statemented but had some emotional problems they wanted her to have an LSA around. School only has LSA's for statemented kids and they dont have that many in her year, there are 2 in her new class (boys). She has never needed an LSA before and doesnt bloody need one now! the only reason she is unhappy is they have split her up from her mates! FFS!

DD spent evening sat with me watching TV, hardly spoke, cried when DH got home to see her.... a very sad little girl who feels she is now being punished again by the school for what her father put her through. Some of the posters on here really have no idea.

I doubt the deputy is an old bag...

Just you think how many phone calls the HOY's and Deputy's get a day/week from parents who want them to do xyz. They will not change things on your say so, they have to look at all the dynamics.

And again, I agree with Maureen .

My school has also spent weeks going around the primary schools, we have had the children that need help come to us in groups too so they get the feel of the school before the transition day so they know what to expect.

They do want the best for all of the pupils believe it or not.

Right. You need to make an appointment with the school and speak to the SEN department, right now, before summer starts. You can't possibly have this ongoing until September. It's just not fair.

That DHT sounds vile and I can't believe she had the gall to speak to your DD about you! Totally unprofessional and completely unnecessary! She clearly has no idea about the stress transition has! Bet she usually only speaks to KS4 & 5 and was just there to show interest as a senior member! She needs bringing into line.

Don't do anything other than make an appointment on the phone. You need to get all your fact straight and let someone see you face to face. Difficult conversations have a habit of sounding different on the phone, iyswim! It's the same on here, written conversations often come across very different, which is why many people on here immediately suggested that you were unreasonable I think.

Please come back and keep us updated. As I said up thread somewhere, this sort of thing is very quickly sorted in my completely average London school, so I've kinda got the bit between my teeth for you now!

Blimey! I've never been so popular with my comments on a thread! >

Are you sure the school didn't do it for a reason? It might be that they felt it would be better for your DD not to be in a class with these girls for some reason? I'm not sure a formal complaint will help at all. I'd concentrate on encouraging your DD that all will be fine (because it will).

I'm with lovecat on this one. Exactly the same thing happened to me (3 friends in same class, me by myself) and, because of various shit things that had happened or were happening at home, this was the final trigger to my becoming extremely depressed.

Tbh, I don't find suggestions that decisions about class allocations are deliberated over for days and really thought through helpful. I'd rather think that what happened to me was born of idiotic thoughtlessness, than a school deciding that it was a good idea to isolate a particular child so much.

Hang on, I didn't see your later post about SS and the Ed Psych. That changes things. Can you get the Ed Psych to speak to the school maybe?

Maureen - I have emailed the HT at senior school and asked to make an appointment to see her. I cant be doing with her being upset over the summer holidays. We also have to see CAFCAS at the start of August re her -sperm doner - father to ensure she does not have to see him again. More stress for her to deal with.