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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect school to change DD class so she can be with friends?

273 replies

oreocookiez · 02/07/2013 17:33

DD due to go up to senior school in September, she has been in the same friendship group with 3 other girls since infant school...senior school have put the other 3 in one class and my DD in another. She is really upset and so are her friends.
DD has had a very emotional year, problems with ex husband emotionally abusing her, his GF was nothing but a complete bitch to her, in the end she stopped visiting him. It destroyed her confidence and she was a very quiet little girl for a while. This last term she has really perked up and has been getting back some of her confidence.
Letter from senior school arrived last Thursday with the class allocations in and she has been an emotional mess since, some of it hormones I expect but some of it rejection and knowing she will be the only one of her 4 friends in another class.
Phoned senior school and spoke to head of year 7, he was nice and said he understood and would see what he could do. He phoned back and said after discussing it with the deputy head he was not able to move her to the other class.
Rang and spoke to her (she was such an old bag), refused to listen to my point of view told me to make a complaint if I wasnt happy with her answer, Said it would do DD good to make more friends and that I was being over the top. Was flippant and rude, talked over me several times (I wanted to throttle her), she refused to move her point blank.
Transition day tomorrow DD not wanting to go in as she is so upset, back to hiding under her bed feeling sad and rejected...... Do I take her in or keep her at home.....????
Phoned Ed Authority who advised me to make a formal complaint in writing to the head teacher and then if that didnt work to make a complaint to the governers of the school.
I feel so angry they wouldnt listen am at a loss what to do tomorow....

OP posts:
skyeskyeskye · 03/07/2013 23:25

This happened to me when I started secondary school. There were 6 of us that went up from our school, 2 of us girls, and they put us in different classes. I was devastated and asked to move, but the Headteacher wouldn't move me. Then another girl moved into my village and was put in the same class as my friend. They then became good friends.

Everybody in my class paired up quickly with new friends except me as I was very shy. I spent every break time with my old friend and hated lessons. I found it very difficult to make friends at that time and was picked on quite a lot because I was so shy.

I can totally see where you are coming from OP and think that you should do whatever is possible to get your DD moved. Chances are that all the girls will make new friends anyway, but at least your DD will start with her friends. A 2/2 split would have been much fairer. Althought everybody else went into new classes in pairs, they soon made friends with other girls, and hardly any original friendships remained by the end of the first year, so I can see why people are saying that she will make friends, but it depends very much on the child involved.

Donnadoon · 04/07/2013 00:19

Poor little mite, Definately dig your heels in over this, complain about the Deputy's comments tomorrow! Keep stating how worried you are for your dd s mental well being, I was so sad to read of the other 3 going to their line and your dd staying on her own in hers Sad
Sorry you've had some heartless comments on this thread, you've had some lovely helpful ones too Smile

cory · 04/07/2013 00:22

"Rang up senior school spoke to another SN lady who said the reason DD had been put in that class was that as she wasnt statemented but had some emotional problems they wanted her to have an LSA around. School only has LSA's for statemented kids and they dont have that many in her year, there are 2 in her new class (boys). She has never needed an LSA before and doesnt bloody need one now! the only reason she is unhappy is they have split her up from her mates! "

This sounds like an instance of the well known phenomenon of treating all children with problems as if they had exactly the same needs.

Like that time the LEA insisted that our wheelchair using dd could not possibly attend the school we had chosen- because it had no provision for the visually impaired. Hmm

I would sit down and write a very polite letter to the head/SENCO whatever, detail exactly what your dd's needs are and what they are not, and if possible get a letter from the Ed Psych or other professional to back you up. Ask them very nicely if it would be possible in view of your dd's very specific problems.

tiredaftertwo · 04/07/2013 00:25

I am so sorry she had such a bad day. It sounds like the school had a reason for doing this - but they got it wrong.

I think many children would be distressed at being separated from their friends when the friends are all together - it would be very different if all the children had been separated IMO, but it must feel awful for her as they all go off together in another direction, especially given the other issues she is dealing with. I am surprised at some of the dismissive posts from teachers and parents here - if schools do try hard to get the classes right, then it is because they think it matters. So if they get it wrong, which will happen sometimes, then that matters too.

Is there someone who could go with you to see the HT? And could you ask her current school to write as well, or could the HT phone the new HT?

Really good luck. Do reassure her that people do tend to clump together on days like this, clinging to anyone they know even if they do not like them (!) - it will be hard for her to understand that at the moment.

Good luck.

BrianTheMole · 04/07/2013 00:56

I agree with you op. she's still really young and it is bloody unfair. I remember the transition into secondary too well and I'm old now. I would keep fighting and not take no for an answer. This is going to have a huge impact on your dd otherwise.

MidniteScribbler · 04/07/2013 01:08

OP, when you approached the school, did you take all of the medical evidence with you? A parent approaching us just because a child was split from their best friend wouldn't get much joy, but medical needs would absolutely be taken in to account.

Also, how would the mothers of the other three girls feel if you approached them and asked if one of their daughters would mind switching classes with your DD? The school has given what they believe to be a genuine reason for your daughter to be in a class where she may get more support, so it may be that you could get one of her friends in to that class with her. If one of the parents of the other girls went to the school and said that their daughter didn't mind switching, that could help as well.

Good luck.

PastaBeeandCheese · 04/07/2013 06:41

I think seeing the head in person is a good idea. I feel very sorry for her.

I think the OPs saying YABU should think about what your DD has already gone through in her life and then ask the question whether it would really hurt the school to put her in a class with her friends.

I think it must be causing more distress to your DD than it will cause inconvenience to the school.

I agree that lots of primary school friendships cool and change at senior school but that should be because your DD or her friends change and make new friends rather than through unfortunate circumstance.

Poor DD..... At least she has you. My mother would have been entirely unsympathetic and told me to suck it up.

Lweji · 04/07/2013 06:46

They are going to the same school, so they can still hang out at the breaks, surely.

She's not in a different school.

Try to be positive for her and show some confidence that things will be ok and she'll make new friends.

exoticfruits · 04/07/2013 07:07

You do realise that it isn't like primary school and it is just for registration and possibly one session a week? They will have different combinations for different subjects where they will spend much longer together or apart- not to mention breaks and lunch times.
Try by all means but it really only for admin purposes.

exoticfruits · 04/07/2013 07:09

Mine didn't make friends through their tutor groups- they had so little time in them.

outtolunchagain · 04/07/2013 07:14

In many schools the class is the teaching group in yr 7 and as the school have said that this group has 2 LsAs it would seem that this is probably the case here .

NewFairy · 04/07/2013 07:15

Op I really feel for you, and I think you are right to push this further in your DDs circs.
At my DDs secondary school, the tutor group are together for all lessons except maths, so if dd didn't have friends she would be stuck all day.

Good luck x

exoticfruits · 04/07/2013 07:17

If that is the case then I would definitely push for change, since my DCs went there for admin only it really didn't matter.
Don't they stream for lessons? I don't think I would be happy with mixed ability classes.

christinarossetti · 04/07/2013 07:36

I don't know what it's like now, but when I went to secondary school we were only streamed for maths in what is now Y7. The rest of our time we were with our class.

I agree with those who say foreground your dd's medical/psychological needs in your discussion with the Head. I'd worry that bringing up the deputy's unprofessional behaviour would get her or him on the defensive, though.

If they still refuse to move your dd (and I can see that it's trickier now that classes have been allocated if they're all full as they'd have to move someone else out), ask for their reasons in writing and take it from there.

NewFairy · 04/07/2013 07:37

Seems to work well, but I always wonder if more streaming would help. Having said that they are consistently top in the county for comps, and in top 100 nationally, and they do stream more from year 9.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 04/07/2013 07:38

Different schools do things in different ways. Dds form stay together for most of the lessons and are only split into sets for a few until yr 9/10

NewFairy · 04/07/2013 07:38

Sorry that's to. exotic fruits

OhYouBadBadKitten · 04/07/2013 07:40

Grin I appear to be typing very slowly. Half a dozen posts appeared while I typed mine!

pigletmania · 04/07/2013 07:47

I was going to say Yabvvvvu but after reading the horrible things your dd has been through she needs consistency right now and to feel confident and happy which will not be achieved being in a class with nobody she knows

ll31 · 04/07/2013 09:26

Seem as if school made decision for a reason so would be inclined to see how it goes. Would worry tho that your dd has picked up on your worry which is exacerbating hers.

xylem8 · 04/07/2013 09:32

I am so sorry that the transition day was not better
A couple of thoughts

  1. Do you have, or could you get, anything in writing from the ed psych saying your DD needs consistency.To prove that the school are directly flying in the face of an LEA professiona's advice woyuld certainly lend a lot of weight to your case.
  2. If I have understood thi right, there are only 7 girls in her form and 4 of the (over 50%) are already a friendship group!That sounds a very difficult situation for any child to fit into.
xylem8 · 04/07/2013 09:33

another thought
how did the Deputy head know who your DD was?

FreyaSnow · 04/07/2013 09:33

OP, please do come back and tell us how things are going. The situation is so sad for you and your DD. I hope everything works out.

thebody · 04/07/2013 09:36

Am so sorry op, really thought about your dd last night and hoped she had been ok..

You are doing the right thing. Plug away and don't give up. Be a right pain in the arse and hopefully the school will budge.

The deputy head sounds very unprofessional and make sure you tell the head you don't appreciate comments like this to your dd.

Get any professional you can behind you to get this sorted before the summer break.

Keep us posted

shewhowines · 04/07/2013 10:31

Write down your reasons why she should change classes, preferably in an email for speed. Send it and ask for a response in writing.

If that does not work then meet face to face and have a copy of the email at the meeting, along with supporting medical evidence and letters from primary. Again ask them to respond to it in writing.

You MUST keep a paper trail so that the school can't wriggle out of anything. Take it to the governors and LEA if necessary.

IME they get much more wary if everything is in writing, as then they are accountable.

Keep going and good luck