AIBU to expect school to change DD class so she can be with friends?

[oreocookiez]

DD due to go up to senior school in September, she has been in the same friendship group with 3 other girls since infant school...senior school have put the other 3 in one class and my DD in another. She is really upset and so are her friends.
DD has had a very emotional year, problems with ex husband emotionally abusing her, his GF was nothing but a complete bitch to her, in the end she stopped visiting him. It destroyed her confidence and she was a very quiet little girl for a while. This last term she has really perked up and has been getting back some of her confidence.
Letter from senior school arrived last Thursday with the class allocations in and she has been an emotional mess since, some of it hormones I expect but some of it rejection and knowing she will be the only one of her 4 friends in another class.
Phoned senior school and spoke to head of year 7, he was nice and said he understood and would see what he could do. He phoned back and said after discussing it with the deputy head he was not able to move her to the other class.
Rang and spoke to her (she was such an old bag), refused to listen to my point of view told me to make a complaint if I wasnt happy with her answer, Said it would do DD good to make more friends and that I was being over the top. Was flippant and rude, talked over me several times (I wanted to throttle her), she refused to move her point blank.
Transition day tomorrow DD not wanting to go in as she is so upset, back to hiding under her bed feeling sad and rejected...... Do I take her in or keep her at home.....????
Phoned Ed Authority who advised me to make a formal complaint in writing to the head teacher and then if that didnt work to make a complaint to the governers of the school.
I feel so angry they wouldnt listen am at a loss what to do tomorow....

The ops dd has lost contact with her abusive father and his bitch girlfriend and has suffered very much!!!

She isn't just upset over her friends for goodness sake.

Bit of compassion here even if we all Suspect and hope she will eventually settle. She will need gentle sensitive handling.

Would you tell an adult of domestic violence to just get in with it!!! And life is like that???

Xpost Corey, totally agree and same here.

Hi Oreoz, I hope things have been better than expected today for you and your DD. I think thebody is right. I'd take that approach, but I would also keep plugging away with the governors etc in the background. With a bit of luck it will work out one way or the other. I think you are right to be concerned in your circumstances.

I don't want you to worry more, but I think some of the posters on here are giving you a hard time when you don't deserve it - I started high school in a class with only a couple of children that I knew from primary school and none that I had previously been friendly with. I was also in an emotionally delicate state at the time. I had a shit time of it throughout high school and spent several of my teenage years suicidal. I did find some good friends who I'm still friends with now, but not until the final year.

I think I could have had a much smoother ride if I'd have had a less shaky start and a friend at form group time would have made a big difference. It was a big school and I pretty much didn't see my old friends again. To be fair, my parents made no effort to help with this either, so there were no playdates etc. They presumably thought I'd be OK.

Good luck with it all, you sound like a great mum.

Yanbu. I think this practice of ignoring children's friendships is really dismissive and old fashioned - when would anyone deliberately split up adult friends like that? In year 7 it may well be lots of subjects. This happened to my sister 20 years ago, she has a tough time at primary school and finally made a group of friends in her final year - only to be split from them at secondary. School said she would be fine, she wasn't. She was depressed through most of secondary school and didn't make proper new friends until 6th form. It doesn't always work out.

This was me a couple of years back. It does make a difference. DD was upset all the way through the holiday. The class kept talking about 'who they were with'. Not only was DD the only one with NO friends at all but she was lumbered with a disruptive bully whom they thought DD would be a good influence on! As predicted it all went tits up and was a nightmare the first few months. She did make friends after a few months but there is no doubt at all that it was far far harder for her than those put with primary friends. I would kick up a massive stink. I tried with DD but they wouldn't budge..Good luck.

All these people saying they are only together for registration - this is just not true. I know several secondary schools where classes are taught together (often ones that stream). It can really matter.

OP, I understand where you are coming from, and feel for you and your dd. I think you need to try to be positive now in front of her - these primary school friendships can be a millstone. And I think I would try and have a less heated, perhaps face to face conversation with the woman you spoke to, explain what has happened to your dd (did the school know the background when they did the class allocations - it seems v odd to do a 3:1 split?), for the future in general. I would probably let the class allocation go now, unless they are taught in that class for most subjects.

I wish DS hadn't Bern with his friends. It caused more harm than good and I ended up with a very hurt boy. He would habe been better off knowing no one. It's not good to rely on primary school friends at secondary school, someone usually ends up getting hurt. I made sure my DD was well prepared for this when S's he started secondary.

My DD had put 9 friends down on the 'want to be with' list and got none of them yet all the other girls were put in groups of 3-4. I don't get why they do this. My other DD had 6 in her class from same primary, all close friends yet another girl was totally on her own!

I also agree that friends in forms are very important. They provide a familiar face/comfort at first for the period building up to start school and then for the initial period where they are taught in forms (up to year 9 at my DC school). This is more so for anxious children like my DD who was totally shafted by the school. More confident children may find it easy to make new friends but shy or anxious/previously bullied children may struggle. They should be put with at least 1 friend from primary.

OP I would really push for for a change. Otherwise chance are they may have to move her in a few months anyway, happened to another friend of mine. My DD cried all through the summer holidays and I really resent the school putting her through that.

Do they do vertical tutoring? Or year group forms?
If its vertical tutoring there will only be a max of three yr 7s in a group (as in my school). It's not like she won't have any friends there will be others from her existing class in her tutor group.
You need to make her not pick up on your anxiety as it will make it worse for her.
This is all part if secondary school. It's natural for her to worry but honestly after the first day there I will be surprised if she even mentions not being in the same tutor group. Teachers make a lot of effort to make yr 7s feel happy and secure in the first few weeks. She will be fine but you have to let her grown up and face challenges. That's a leaning curve for you both I'm afraid x

I am wondering whether the primary school (and possibly other parents) have advised that your DD has become too dependant on these other girls.If they had said an outright 'no' our policty is not to change class allocations, then that would be one thing, but the fact that they went away and talked and came back with a no, makes me think there is a reason behind it.
I think you are underestimating your DD.You need to jolly her along a bit and not buy into all this 'woe is me' stuff.Tell her thousands of children start at secondary school every year not knowing a single face. She is spending 7 hours a day, 5 days a week with her new class, it will be impossible not to get to know them.I think it is very sad that you both won't even give this a chance!!

"woe is me" sounds a somewhat hard expression used of a child who is showing signs of being emotionally damaged, xylem8

I take it you have never had to deal with a traumatised child

it is a fine balance; you do need to build up their resilience without tipping them over the edge

and I speak as somebody whose dd has made two suicide attempts after trauma partly to do with school anxiety

I am not in favour of moving all obstacles out of the way of even a severely traumatised child

but the thought that thousands of children cope is not much of a comfort if yours doesn't

Sorry but YABU. Asking the school to transfer her to a different class is absurd. She'll be in different classes depending on subjects anyway.

Sorry didn't mean to be harsh.
But how can you possibly know she won't cope.You are making it more likely that she won't by agreeing with her that it is a bad thing instead of putting a positive spin on things.
You are underestimating her! Why do you think she won't be able to smile and talk to other children who will all be wanting to make new friends
And something else, the more you push for your DD to be with her friends , the more the school will be concerned that your DD has become unhealthily dependent on these other girls.

Do Y7s change classes for every subject? They certainly don't at our school.

Y7 are taught in their forms in my DC school.

Agree with xylem8

Sounds like you have a good case - they could at least split the group 2 and 2 lol. Why not ask the Headteacher at your current Junior school to have a word presuming they are aware of the issues?

It may not just be for registration - it depends - some Comps don't set subjects till Y8/9.

How can we know whether the OP is underestimating her dd or now, xylem? Do we know the dd?

To me, hiding under the bed in a child this age does look like a potential warning sign: that's how dd started going downhill.

Yes, it could be an overprotected child pulling a fast one. But it could equally well be a child on the verge of a breakdown/fullblown school refusal.

It is not ime how most mentally healthy 12yos deal with challenges.

I agree with putting a positive spin. But would keep an open mind re the rest.

It is a shame but I think the best thing for DD is if you take her tomorrow and make it a positive. Lovely new friends, fresh start, still being able to play with others at playtime or have them to your house. I think the less upset you get about this the less upset DD will get. And I think starting your relationship with the school on a good note is a good idea too.

OP If it helps any and it probably doesn't, my child started the first year of Senior School at a brand new school last year not knowing a single person as we had moved into the area during the Summer. He is quite shy but it was fine and he has made friends.

Conversely when 2 friends and I were the only people due to start at Senior School from our Junior School (we went out of catchment) they were kind enough to put all three of us in the same form to make is easier for us and that was 1970s when child psychology wasn't so much of a consideration. Nevertheless I only stayed long-term friends with one of them and soon made new friends who were equally swotty and boring as me.

If they tried to accommodate every child that wanted to be in the same class as their friends then there would be chaos. Also you should send her to the transition day. She can't not go just because she is not in the same class as her friends. If she puts it off then things will be even more difficult when she starts school. She may even make some new friends while she is there and she will know who the other kids in her class are for when she starts in September

Is it just for form class? If so she might be with her friends in other lessons??

I'm sure OP's DD is there by now. Hope she's doing OK.

I feel for you as DD (robust little beggar but still...) is at induction day today and knows nobody at all. Maybe she's at this school (stranger things have happened) and will take a shine to OP's daughter, you never know!

This happened to me at senior school. They had got the numbers slightly wrong, so after a week asked if people wanted to swap. although i had made friends in my new class, I jumped at the chance. In that week though, already new friendship groups had started and I was 'late' in joining them and it affected my friendships for some time to come.

Please try and help her see the positives here. Take her on the first day as if she doesn't start with everyone it'll be even worse. There will be a lot of people in a similar boat and looking for new friends.

She will be fine, but it's natural to be nervous now.

What happens if she does get moved but is then put into different sets / groups?

She could be spending a matter of minutes with them for registration and no more.