AIBU to expect school to change DD class so she can be with friends?

[oreocookiez]

DD due to go up to senior school in September, she has been in the same friendship group with 3 other girls since infant school...senior school have put the other 3 in one class and my DD in another. She is really upset and so are her friends.
DD has had a very emotional year, problems with ex husband emotionally abusing her, his GF was nothing but a complete bitch to her, in the end she stopped visiting him. It destroyed her confidence and she was a very quiet little girl for a while. This last term she has really perked up and has been getting back some of her confidence.
Letter from senior school arrived last Thursday with the class allocations in and she has been an emotional mess since, some of it hormones I expect but some of it rejection and knowing she will be the only one of her 4 friends in another class.
Phoned senior school and spoke to head of year 7, he was nice and said he understood and would see what he could do. He phoned back and said after discussing it with the deputy head he was not able to move her to the other class.
Rang and spoke to her (she was such an old bag), refused to listen to my point of view told me to make a complaint if I wasnt happy with her answer, Said it would do DD good to make more friends and that I was being over the top. Was flippant and rude, talked over me several times (I wanted to throttle her), she refused to move her point blank.
Transition day tomorrow DD not wanting to go in as she is so upset, back to hiding under her bed feeling sad and rejected...... Do I take her in or keep her at home.....????
Phoned Ed Authority who advised me to make a formal complaint in writing to the head teacher and then if that didnt work to make a complaint to the governers of the school.
I feel so angry they wouldnt listen am at a loss what to do tomorow....

Yanbu. Make the complaint citing all the reasons given as she does have special circumstances, then you know you have done your best for her. But I would make her do transition as hopefully she will meet some lovely people and then not be so worried anyway. You don't want her ending up a school refuser over something the school could sort out for her easily.

If she has been in the same friendship group since infants, the school are right.She needs to learn to make new friends

YABU girls fall out and make new friends in teenage years. By the time I got to 15YO I had no 'best friends' because the ones I had had before had been bitches unkind to me and I widened my circle of friends in response.

It is hard for you because you want to protect her but she will cope and see her friends out of lessons and it may help her in the long term to widen her circle of friends IMO.

Have people not read the OP? The daughter isn't with any of her friendship group. Three quarters are together, the OP's daughter is separated.

I think given your recent issues I would ask for special leniency, coupled with supporting letters from her current teachers and special needs teachers hopefully they can change something.

But in the meantime I would definitely talk to your daughter and try and put a positive spin on it for her, because if they don't help you she is going to have to somehow deal with it.

Usually I would say leave it she will cope but given the circumstances I do think you have a case ,can you get CAMHS or SS to write ,generally schools will take notice of them ,alternatively a less formal approach maybe for the primary school head to call the head/head of lower school of the senior school to spell out the background,it sounds as if they may not quite have comprehended the implications in these particular circumstances

When I went to secondary school I had one girl from my primary school in my class and one girl I knew from ballet. Otherwise I knew no one from my primary school in my class. I thought it was great I knew 2 people in my class, until 18mnths later they 'forced me out' of the friendship, everything in school is done in pairs...

As my Father would say to me when life is shit 'it's character building'.

I think you need to put your energy into supporting her through this time, not complaining.

Frankly it sounds as if this little girl has had more than enough "character building" in the last year and is in need of a bit of nurturing and TLC .

While I have empathy for your daughter's situation given her difficulties, I think YABU and going as far as complaining to the local authority is OTT for this situation. Many schools do not even consider friendship groups when allocating tutor groups. As hard as it's going to be, she needs to understand that, as you get older, you cannot always have your mum there to fix things for you.

YANBU. DD has had the same best friend since nursery year and when they were split on starting secondary, I phoned the pastoral head of year seven, and she put them in the same form. Although they have made new friends and become part of a group, they are still best friends.

They are not set for most subjects so it would have made a huge difference if they were separated.

The school moves children into different forms all the time when there are friendship issues or kids who would be better off elsewhere. DD happened to end up in a lovely form from the start and five kids who were unhappy in other forms requested to move into her form have been allowed to do so. Form sizes are small enough to allow for those pastoral decisions to be made.

Not everybody does fit in at secondary school and becomes independent, makes new friends etc. Some kids become damaged by bullying or loneliness and move to different schools or spend years being miserable. OP, your daughter has had a tough year and could do with the support of friends, as your primary school realises.

Actually I disagree with the majority.
I think people are very quick to leap in with the "won't stay friends" "won't matter by the end of year" "see each other at lunch"etc.
We're not talking about the end of year. We're talking about a nervous insecure little girl wanting a friendly face in her form for the first few weeks. Is that really a ridiculous idea?

And having had experience, the "they can meet up at lunch/break" etc. Isn't good either. You've got the "find a partner" in Pe and other subjects, the time the other form is kept in, or asked to do something at lunch/break, discussions over homework, makes them the odd one out even when they can get together.
And also if they're meeting up lunch/break with their old friends it's very hard to make good new friends.

Then you've got the issue if the other three are together, are they putting friends together mostly? In which case she may end up in a class where the majority are already in friendship groups. Yes she might just happen to get on with another child, but they may not be ideally matched.

I would ask for an urgent appointment with the head. Take your letters of support. If the other parents are supportive, would one of them happily move with your dd? Two and two would make more sense if they don't want a large group of friends in one form, and having other possibilities might help.
I don't think the form numbers will be an issue, as either they're full and will have had to deal with some appeals getting in at some point, or they're not full, in which case there's spaces.

yabu they need to learn to mix with different people , all the classes are mixed up in senior schools , if they are true friends they can meet up for breaks.

Given that the head of year sounded sympathetic but then dd had to remain where she'd been put I would bet there is something going on behind the scenes that you don't know about. Someone has decided that she should be split from them (other parent's requests, senco, junior school, secondary school interpretation of reports??).

I think given the circumstances the school should have tried to deal with it a bit more sensitively. In hindsight perhaps you should have phoned to speak to the school earlier as it probably would have been easier to do change things before they were announced but its too late for hindsight now unfortunately.

Does she know anyone else who is going to be in her class come September? Would one of the other girls be willing to move class so they had 2 in a class rather than all 4 together? I would take her in tomorrow and encourage her to try to enjoy it/get to know others but at the same time arrange a meeting with the head of year and/or head teacher and sit down with them and explain all the ins and outs of the situation (which will be useful for them to be aware of anyway) and why you feel it is so important (more than the normal "oh but they have been friends for years") and hopefully something can be sorted.

Good luck getting her settled no matter how it works out with classes.

My daughter went up to high school last year and was placed in a class without any of her friends, just two boys from her old class. She has made loads of new friends and still sees her old friends at break, lunch and after school. Don't worry, it won't be as bad as you or her are imagining.

YABu she will make new friends they always do when they go to high school give it till christmas these friends might be a thing of primary school

Sounds to me that this teacher is an old boot who is totally unsympathetic - nothing going on behind the scenes, just one person who doesn't believe in "pandering to children". I think that given your DD's horrible last year, they ought to be making allowances for her. If she hadn't gone through that I would be in the YABU camp, but she has, so YANBU.

It is a difficult one. As a former Head of Year these things are sometimes difficult to sort out for a number of reasons. chedder the OPs DD will not be the only pupil at high school who has has a rough year and the school is probably trying to spread SEN pupils to best fit tutors. I am sure she is not the only pupil from her primary in that group, so there will be someone she knows just not her BFFs. She should go and OP should make her go in as positive a frame of mind as possible - perhaps arrange a meeting with the BFFs after school to discuss what they have done etc?

Once school has started and if her DD is still unhappy then there will be room for movement. At the moment the school are probably dealing with many calls like this (I would get 3/4 calls a day for a couple of weeks).

Let her go, telling her that there is plenty of time to change and that this is just a taster.

Why couldn't they have put 2 in one class and 2 in the other?

YABU - Its senior school, tutor groups are not the only people you are allowed to talk to all day.

I still think, given her circumstances they should of put her with one friend. Don't they normally ask who you would like to be with and try to accommodate at least one of your choice.
If the reason is to try to show independence etc why are not all the kids mixed up?
Year groups do a lot together and yes she will make new friends regardless but I still believe they could change this. You could ask if there is a reason for the decision, and decide yourself accordingly.
There maybe an open day from primary school before the hols where she may meet the rest of the class, this maybe enough for her to decide that actually she can do this

Come back and update,OP. I also tend to believe that it really won't matter by half term. Try to be brave.

I don't think YABU but I do think she definitely does need to go in tomorrow, and you should persue your complaint as advised by LEA.