AIBU to expect school to change DD class so she can be with friends?

[oreocookiez]

DD due to go up to senior school in September, she has been in the same friendship group with 3 other girls since infant school...senior school have put the other 3 in one class and my DD in another. She is really upset and so are her friends.
DD has had a very emotional year, problems with ex husband emotionally abusing her, his GF was nothing but a complete bitch to her, in the end she stopped visiting him. It destroyed her confidence and she was a very quiet little girl for a while. This last term she has really perked up and has been getting back some of her confidence.
Letter from senior school arrived last Thursday with the class allocations in and she has been an emotional mess since, some of it hormones I expect but some of it rejection and knowing she will be the only one of her 4 friends in another class.
Phoned senior school and spoke to head of year 7, he was nice and said he understood and would see what he could do. He phoned back and said after discussing it with the deputy head he was not able to move her to the other class.
Rang and spoke to her (she was such an old bag), refused to listen to my point of view told me to make a complaint if I wasnt happy with her answer, Said it would do DD good to make more friends and that I was being over the top. Was flippant and rude, talked over me several times (I wanted to throttle her), she refused to move her point blank.
Transition day tomorrow DD not wanting to go in as she is so upset, back to hiding under her bed feeling sad and rejected...... Do I take her in or keep her at home.....????
Phoned Ed Authority who advised me to make a formal complaint in writing to the head teacher and then if that didnt work to make a complaint to the governers of the school.
I feel so angry they wouldnt listen am at a loss what to do tomorow....

Op - it does sound as though your dds situation is a little different to most and that you are not necessarily being unreasonable.

However, I am still intrigued as to why two senior teachers are backing each other in not moving her. I think that is what I would want to know first.

YANBU. I can't believe how unsympathetic so many posters are being tbh.

My friend had a similar situation when her dd went up to secondary (without the back story tbh, her dd was just nervous about secondary) - she rang the school, they said we can't promise but we'll see what we can do - rang back later and they had moved her.

I do think she has to go in for the taster day though. I assume she does know someone else in her new class? These things have a way of not being quite as bad as our fears ime.

Can I just ask OP, have you been having these conversations with the school in front of DD? And then relaying the conversations to others with DD in the room? You said, she is dealing with rejection from knowing she's been split up from her friends. Did she say that or has she heard you say that?

All these things are very negative. That surely won't help your DD even to try to embrace the prospects of new friends?

And have you told her, you are are thinking of not sending her tomorrow? Again, that's not going to help.

I do empathize with you, really I do, but like others have said, if she really can't get along with her new tutor group the school will find a way of moving her. These teachers are actually human, so I've heard!

Believe it or not, schools up and down the country are working very hard to arrange groups and are fully aware that they might not get it right first time!

No matter what a tough year she's had, you need to put your feelings aside and show her this is a time for new beginings. Jolly her along and be positive about things. God knows, it sounds like you need some positives right now!

Shoewhore I totally agree. Can the "buck up its life" brigade not remember what it was like being 11 and starting secondary, thats before this poor girls background is taken into account. FGS.

I agree with MaureenMLove.

I think to take a friendship group of four and isolate just one is very hard on the lonely one, in any circumstances. And it doesn't really matter if groups do shift during year 7, it's good at least to start out with friends by your side, particularly ones of such long standing.
In a slightly different experience, my DD made a whole bunch of friends in year 7, but they were all in the other half of the year so she could only see them at breaktime/lunchtime. She had no friends in her own class and that matters when it comes to registration/group work etc. It took three months of 'discussion' with the school, who put up all sorts of objections, and we had to take it up the management team to get her moved. Result? She is thoroughly happy, has blossomed and loves school even more! Friendships ARE important.

Oh, and we made sure to thank the helpful senior member of staff and update her on how much happier DD was so that she knew we appreciated her taking our views on board! Some teachers, sadly, are unhelpful, and you just have to find your way to the good ones - there will be plenty - which is difficult until you know your way around the school. Then put your case, remain unfailingly polite, and do show you understand the practical issues they are dealing with. Good luck.

YANBU You must be so worried for your dd FWIW I wasn't with my best friends and was glad because I actually did really well at school and looking back I think I may have messed around and been a bit silly and chattier had they been with me IYSWIM. I was able to get my head down and work better without the distraction of my funny, crazy best pals

very wise words from maureenmlove. op please think about what your own anxieties are here?

I do feel for the op but as assistant head of year 7 I can see where the school is coming from to some extent.

I am currently arranging the form classes and the pupils have been asked to give 1 buddy who they want to be with (any more and it would be a nightmare to try to arrange). It may have been that all the girls picked the same 1 person, except op's DD, when it came to doing the classes, they may have been put together and then due to numbers she could not go in the same one... Plus previous poster mentionedallocating SEN into specific groups. For example, we have SEN class (although not common knowledge to the kids), this way we can have our most supportive teacher as tutor and give extra LSA's to that class.

Our school teaches maths in setted classes and other classes do tend to be mixed ability form classes, up until year 9. We do tend to shuffle after first half term if things aren't working, which most schools do... I would say hold off until November and see how she is until then.

On the other hand, if she has a CAF, this should be shared with the school (the lead's responsibility, not op) and her issues can be placed on the CAF. Also, op could request a review meeting with everyone involved and invite the new head of year to further discuss issues...

I will admit I have not read it all..

However my 4 year old starts primary and he will not have any friends as he goes to a preschool the otherside of town, at least your dd's friends are in the same school. It really matters more for breaks and lunches than in lessons as they shouldn't be chatting anyway.

This happened to me moving up to secondary, and it was bloody awful. Being the only one from my primary class meant I was an immediate target for bullies, and meanwhile my friends from primary made new friends but kept the old. It took years for me to settle.

I would keep on at the school but to be honest I wouldn't want my daughter going somewhere so lacking in empathy towards an eleven year old.

At a grammar school which takes from a huge number of infant schools it is normal for a child to start without knowing a soul in the school never mind the class.She will be fine

Branleuse Tue 02-Jul-13 17:49:16
"shes expecting it to be like classes in primary school where youre with the same people all day. It wont be. She'll probably be with her friends in other classes"

This was my immediate reaction and has been dc's experience. Do you know how it works in your dd's new school? Maybe transfer day can put her mind at rest on that score.

In any case, I do agree with the posters who suggest that your most important job is to build up her positive coping skills.

(and fwiw I have a dd whose severe anxiety issues has led to suicide attemps in the past so am not speaking without understanding of your difficulties).

Nothing wrong with trying to pull strings, but even that (if you discuss it in front of your dd) should be couched in terms of: "I will see what I can do but we need to have a Plan B in case the school are not able to do this".

Seeing you helpless and frustrated will exacerbate her anxiety.

It might also depend on whether they have "vertical" form classes where siblings are allocated the same form groups or year group forms?

Even if they were all together or 2 and 2 they probably wouldn't see each other much until break as others have already pointed out.

They are probably going to split the whole year group in two or three different ways anyway for different subjects - e.g streamed for maths, English etc. and different splits for practical subjects like science, technical and so on?

Secondary schools seem to have very different policies on this. Some actually ask children who they want to be in a class with, and do their best to accommodate preferences so they get off to a good start. Others (such as the school my DD went to) refuse point-blank to take preferences into account. When my DD's year 6 class was visited by the year 7 tutor, she told them that they would all be in a class with at least one other child from their primary school. This didn't happen and my DD was in a class on her own, which she was upset about.

For everyone telling the OP she is BU, it's easy to forget what a scary transition it can be when you move from a small primary to a large secondary. It sounds like the OP's DD has already had a hard time emotionally this year so could do with the security of having friends around. It seems particularly unlucky that the other three girls are in a class together, so she will feel even more excluded - it's not as if they're all in the same boat. The deputy head sounds like a nasty piece of work.

In primary they spend all day together in one class. This will end at the start of secondary when tutor groups are just for registration in the morning then they will be moving around the school to their different classes and will be put in sets by ability.

Would you be fighting so hard if your daughter was in a higher set to her friends and she wanted to go in a lower one to be with them all day?
Then what happens when they start doing their options in a year or so time. Are they all going to choose the same subjects? Highly unlikely.

You need to stop fighting the school and need to help your daughter understand how secondary school works to enable her to enjoy the experience.

I agree that the deputy head sounds less than sympathetic but it might be the case that the OP was the latest in a long line of parents making a request about form group placements.

It might be the case that they have several children with difficulties to place and she has a real headache on her hands.

Or she might just be an unsympathetic person.

I hope the transition day helps allay some of your DDs fears OP.

YABU it's secondary school. AS many others have said she WILL make new friends (esp if you are positive and supportive, place your anger about his on her and you will inhibit that).

There will be many things that are coming that re inflexible and a bit of a " knock back" not least teenaged girls them selves. Use this to teach some resilience please .

I think some posters haven't had to deal with effectively a psychologically damaged child. I have so I understand op.

This happened to me when my dd was very fragile after a terrible event.

First tell your dd you are trying to sort it out but she has to go to school and be extremely positive.

Give it a few weeks.

I suspect she will have expanded her friendship group, which is desirable as 4 friends isn't enough back up in senior school.

Keep positive, ask new friends to tea/ sleep over with maybe one of the old ones. Take them shopping, you will have to work hard maybe.

By week 4 I bet your dd is far happier and the 3 old friends will obviously still figure but within the context of other new friends.

Best if luck and hope things get better for you both.

Coming back I remember my first year of secondary and college course I went which both did the same at the start..

You have a bit of time where the teacher asks each child to stand up say who they are, what primary they went to, if they know anyone else in the class, what they like etc

So it gets the ball moving for new friends eg say your dd likes horse riding... But so does Jessica they both don't have any friends in the class so they get talking about horses to start with and a friendship forms

I'm a teacher and I totally understand your concerns but they will have been put in these forms for a reason

By the time 1/2 term comes she probably won't even be friends with her existing friends. They branch out and make new friends. Honestly she will be fine. It will only be for registration in the tutor group anyway. They get mixed up all over the place for lessons so she may/ may not bd with her friends then

YABU.

What happens when she starts college and isnt with her friends?

Will you call up for her then?

What about uni or starting work?

Will you call up for her then?

Life is not always going to go exactly how your dd wants it to and I think you are giving her the wrong message by complaining to the school. She is growing up and needs to realise that sometimes in life you just need to accept things for how they are and get on with it.

On the one hand, this is a psychologically damaged child so she does need different handling from others.

Otoh the best handling for a psychologically damaged child isn't always to solve all their problems for them.

Much of the time, it's about putting in extra effort to teaching them coping skills, helping them identify a Plan B, teaching them to approach scary situations positively. This is what CAHMS always seem to recommend to us anyway. I sometimes feel it is how I have spent the last 5 years. It's much harder work than dealing with an ordinary child. And definitely harder work than just moving all obstacles out of the way. But it has paid off.