to want to strangle DD (16). She insisted she did not want to go to her school Prom until today - the day of the prom!

[Lionessy]

As her circle of friends had decided they did not want to go, she decided she did not want to either. Was not cool apparently and they did not have a dates (probably because all the boys are scared of them!).

I went ahead a bought her ticket anyway as I hoped she would come to her senses. What teenage girl would'nt want to dress up in a beautiful dress, glam up and go out to a country mansion for a posh dinner and disco with all their school friends huh?

This morning, after leavers assembly at 10.15am, she finally caves in and wants to go . Cue me rushing around all morning like a blue arsed fly getting a spray tan organised, nails, buying the ruddy dress (luckily we hit the jackpot and found a gorgeous one), underwear, jewellery etc.

I am now knackered and want to go back to bed. Luckily DH has the day off (told him to book it off in case she changed her mind) so he can drive her to the venue an hour away. Everyone else of course, is going in a limo. DD will have to arrive in our old jalopy as she told the girls booking transport she was not going! She has just had a tantrum as to why we can't find her a limo at a few hours notice .

AIBU to want to strangle her?

One of her friends, who also was not going, has also now decided to go so her mum has had to get onto to the school as she was in tears about it, begging them to get her a ticket! Another friend (the ring leader, who decided not to go) was also upset about not when we just bumped into her in town as she now sees that she's made a mistake.

If I'd have done what her daughter did, my mum probably would have done the same as OP. And she's a good mum who gave me brilliant moral guidance. Years later, she'd still be reminding me of 'that time of your Prom...' so she'd have her revenge

I don't have as good a work ethic as she has because of the way she brought me up. I never had to do chores or a Saturday job; I just had to concentrate on doing my school work and being a kid. That was because of family circumstance, my mum had to work and keep house from a young age, and didn't want that for her children.

I think it probably would have been a good thing if I'd have hoovered up and worked in Boots, but I did well academically, I didn't demand too much (I think), I've a good attitude to value for money and am mostly grateful to people to putting themselves out for me - so long as they're not too martyrish about it .

Plus, you only get one shot at being a mum, and that was the way she chose to do it. At least she's not Rose West.

My dad's favourite saying was: 'there's more than one way to skin a cat.' And there is. Despite being a very pampered child, I somehow learned the way the world works, so he couldn't have been doing too badly either.

Oh God. When I was getting married at 28, I had a mad moment and thought the wedding dress I'd chosen, that my mum had paid for, made me look awful.

She offered to buy another, and she would have done, if I hadn't come to my senses and realised I was just panicking because it was an important day for me and I was being silly.

Of course, to teach me a lesson, she could have told me to wear the dress she'd paid for, or buy my own. And she'd have been right. But she wouldn't have been my mum.

Somehow we came to the right decision and she's a great mum.

Limited-but if your mum had bought you a new dress and THEN you'd kicked up another fuss about the type of material for example, would she have told you to get a grip or run out and got you another dress?

I did the same with my wedding dress and a week before the wedding mum un picked it and practically re made it. Had it still not been right and I'd made a fuss and it was directed at her I'm pretty sure she'd have told me where to get off

I can see the point in treating the prom as a one off and seeing the dd's behaviour as exam stress related one-off-ness.

Unexpected kindness and understanding at one crucial point can make all the difference with teenagers.

But Lionessy's 22:24 post last night about the activity camp suggests that this is not a one-off, but that she makes a bit of a habit of making the arrangements she thinks are best anway because she doesn't take the daughter's word for anything.

"You know, I do know my DD and I know she says a lot of crap that she does'nt mean. That's does'nt mean I take her at her word."

I can see how tempting it is if the daughter is given to making wild statements about not wanting things. But it's not going to work in the long run: very soon, her daughter is going to be an adult who has to make her own decisions. In fact, very shortly she will have to start making arrangements for university and adult life, and she will have to stand by those arrangements.

Now that the prom is over and hopefully a happy memory, I think it would be much kinder for her mother to step back a little bit and help her daughter to get used to the idea that she makes her own decisions and then has to stand by them.

In fact, having everything sorted behind your back by a mother who knows your mind better than you do could be very disempowering for the dd and leave her feeling very insecure about her own abilities.

She did a fab job with the dress though, it was perfect and tons better than how the dress maker made it!

I am thinking, having re-read the OP, that

What teenage girl would'nt want to dress up in a beautiful dress, glam up and go out to a country mansion for a posh dinner and disco with all their school friends huh?

Might have been mentioned/subtly implied to the daughter quite a few times.

she finally caves in is a bit of a clue.

I am not judging the OP for this - proms aren't my thing, but I can certainly imagine not being able to stop myself from having a subtle war of attrition about other things.

I am therefore thinking that perhaps this teenager isn't as much of a madam as might be initially suggested.

If in deed at all.

She'd have definitely got me another dress. She'd have talked about it forever more, which would have been be her prerogative and my cross to bear. I guess I didn't want to bear it, which was my prerogative.

Anyway, we came to the right decision because it was a lovely dress and I was being a bridezilla.

It's a very good mothering technique and I'm not sure I've picked it up.

Valium my mum has a 50s Singer with a beautiful wrought iron table and something tiny, black and lovely from a bit earlier that she cadged from DH, who's a good sewer too, but who needs a much more modern machine for his work.

I did sewing at school. I was beyond clumsy.

I was never allowed to use the Husqvarnas. They were for the competent girls who wouldn't break the needles by machining over their fingers.

My mum has a Singer too,I love the noise it makes so soothing

With regards to the lesson being about not being allowed to change your mind - it would be different if she had changed her mind a few days before and made some of her own arrangements. What I would find impossible to reconcile is the very last-minute change of heart, followed by the apparent presumption that her mother and father would completely bend over backwards to accommodate her and then the gall to complain about the (IMO overindulgent) arrangements that had been made.

Last minute schmast minute. I am completely convinced that lionessy has been leaving pictures of prom dresses and around the house for weeks. The poor girl was just worn down and couldn't take it any more.

You may be onto something merry .

Yes, I rather think that this may be Mummy living vicariously.

YY bogey, merry and zingy.
What's so wrong with telling child NO. And TOUGH TITS.
As usual, wimpy parents will leave their problem kids and their pwincess attitudes for someone else to deal with ie teachers/employers etc.

I dont think this parent is like that Fun.

Cory, I have to admit I've been lurking on this thread thinking exactly what you last posted.

And what is wrong with, just occasionally, being the Best Parent Ever?

Sometimes my children just have to deal with disappointment.
Sometimes I move heaven and earth to sort something out.
Sometimes I am Evil Mother
Sometimes I am Best Mother Ever.

No wimpy parents or spoilt pwincesses here.

*And what is wrong with, just occasionally, being the Best Parent Ever?

Sometimes my children just have to deal with disappointment.
Sometimes I move heaven and earth to sort something out.
Sometimes I am Evil Mother
Sometimes I am Best Mother Ever.*

I agree it is all about balance innit and I am not wimpy and I do not have pwincesses either

It's possible to be indulged and still learn to do things for yourself. One of my mum's warnings was 'never get into trouble with the police because there are some things Mummy can't sort out.'

I took the same warning to be about applying myself at school and work, handling money, personal safety etc.

She has a habit of telling me: 'You should have said this, or that...' Lots of mums do. But I'm perfectly capable of ignoring her or telling her to back off when she's being interfering.

Yes, she does still refer to herself as Mummy and I'm a grown woman. Nevertheless, I'm secure in my maturity, though you'll just have to take my word for it .

This about a prom
Which is not a school disco.
Neither is it changing mind last minute about which sauce to put on ice cream
Nor is it about throwing a strop on an ordinary day of the week.

Sometimes, extraordinary events mean extraordinary things happen on both sides.
Sometimes in life, flexibility is the key.

How is a prom different from an end of year disco?

Although I do suspect the OP has influenced her daughter, I don't think she is the worst parent in the world for doing this.

To me, anything involving spray tans and limos would be the stuff of nightmares.

However if the daughter enjoyed it and the mum got a kick out of her going its pretty harmless.

I'm just suggesting that the daughter may not be as much of a spoilt princess as others have read.

As I understand proms are pretty run of the mill these days (thank god they weren't in my day). It's not as if the mum was forcing the daughter to enter a beauty pageant - it was just taking part in what every one else was doing.

It isn't just about one extraordinary event though, is it, yams?

The OP posted on this thread about another event (far less of a rite de passage, just a holiday activity) where again she had overruled the daughter and made arrangements behind her back because she doesn't think her daughter knows her own mind.

That post was intended as a comment on her general assessment of her daughter's decision making- and I quote:

"You know, I do know my DD and I know she says a lot of crap that she does'nt mean. That's does'nt mean I take her at her word."

It wasn't "yes, but this is such an extraordinary event that normal patterns go out of the window". It was "my daughter says a lot of crap so I am not in the habit of listening to her".

That is the bit that seems tricky to me. That attitude would have made me very insecure and unhappy as a teen, and I wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't secretly have that effect on the OP's dd.

Imho our children do to some extent grow to our expectations. If you make a habit of treating your child as an adult they are more likely to get into the habit of thinking of themselves as adults- and then a bit of flexibility will do no harm. If your default position is "no point in listening to her, mummy knows best", then there doesn't seem much point in the daughter ever making an effort to behave in a more adult way.